Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I think my husband is cheating on me, what should I do?

cheating spouse %photo

Asalam Alikom,

I have this thought that my husband has been cheating me while he was working in a different city. First I saw he had made an email address that he was using and I did not know about it, and he was e-mailing a girl that was working with him while he was home. From the email it looked like he had told her that he was married and he has a son and also his name. I confronted him and he said she is only a friend but she called him by a "pet name" which was very weird so I let it go.

The second thing is that when he was working in a different state, I saw text messages to this woman's number in the phone bill. I asked him and he said it was his roommate using his phone. After a few messages the girl texted me and said that she did not know him, but that she did see a middle eastern guy in the bar and a white guy together and she was interested in the white guy. She says she does not know what I am talking about and she never met him or had any physical relationship with either one of the them.

The third thing is that I had an email account that he was talking to girls about his sexual desire and dreams. I have noticed he watches a lot of porn and tells me there is nothing wrong with that. So now a lot of things go in my mind like, did he use an escort service, does he do it online on porn sites, and a lot of other stuff. Of course he denies it all and swears that he has done nothing wrong.

When he comes home it looks like he is physically here but mentally some where else, we hardly have sex, I feel like I have no connection to him and every time I feel like I don't know him. So I went to this Hindu temple to see what that teacher will say, and he told me "he is cheating on you and you know about it". Then I went to this other palm reader and she told me the same thing.

I don't know what to do as he totally denies it, I have tried everything that he will tell me but he won't. I have threatened to leave but he says it is all my imagination and I have no proof and don't ruin my kids life. He cries and swears and I am confused what to do.

Please help me, if it is my shaitan that is putting stuff in my heart and if there is any dua that I can do to find out the truth so I can make a decision. My question is if there is any prayer or dua that I can do to rest my heart or to see something so I can move on. Right know I don't know if I am doing wrong or is my heart telling me the truth. Please help.

Thank you.

-malalai


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9 Responses »

  1. asalamu alaikum,

    sis you said "So I went to this Hindu temple to see what that teacher will say, and he told me "he is cheating on you and you know about it". Then I went to this other palm reader and she told me the same thing."?

    you know how dangerous that is? if you visit a palm reader and you don't believe it but you go just for fun, your prayer wont be accepted 40 days.

    and if you actually believe what the fortune teller said, that is shirk and you have left the folds of Islam. repent before its too late.

    as far as your husband, if he says he is not cheating and you have no absolute proof then you should give him benefit of the doubt. due to paranoia the shaitan is adding fuel to the fire. also why does your husband watch porn when he has a wife? I fail to understand when you can participate and make love in reality but you rather watch someone else making love behind the screen and get a kick out of it.

    on a side note some brother tend to look at other women because their own wife does not take care of herself and put some effort in i.e dress nice, make up, work out etc..

    ma salama....

  2. assalamalaikum-
    So I went to this Hindu temple to see what that teacher will say, and he told me "he is cheating on you and you know about it". Then I went to this other palm reader and she told me the same thing.

    1st of all your imn is weak becasue u did the ab0ove 2 crimes-islam prohibits consulting astrologers or palmists or other 'psychics'
    al-Nasa'i from Abu Hurairah reads: "Whoever puts his trust in something (sayings of soothsayers and so on), that will be its only supporter, i.e. he will not receive the Divine help nor success" .
    Hadith recorded by Imam Muslim reads: "Whoever goes to a soothsayer and asks him about something, will lose the recompense of his prayers for forty days (or Allah will not accept his prayers)" .
    Moreover, if this visitor of the soothsayer believes his saying, the punishment will be: "A person who goes to a soothsayer and affirms the correctness of the soothsayer's saying, will be considered a disbeliever in what was revealed to Muhammad " . Since Allah Says (interpretation of meaning): {Say: "None in the heavens and the earth knows the Ghaib (unseen) except Allâh, …} [27: 65]. {"(He Alone) the All-Knower of the Ghâ'ib (unseen), and He reveals to none His Ghâ'ib (unseen)." Except to a Messenger (from mankind) whom He has chosen (He informs him of unseen as much as He likes), ….} [72: 26-27].
    A fourth Hadith reads: "Whoever augers ill omen or the same thing is done on his behalf, predicts the happening of something, or the same is done on his behalf is not of us (Muslims)" .
    Therefore, a Muslim is strongly required to avoid such things and to advise others in this concern if he wants to keep his faith safe.Allah knows best.
    The great Saudi scholar, Ibn `Uthaymeen, said: “Astrology is a kind of sorcery and fortune-telling. It is forbidden because it is based on illusions, not on concrete facts. There is no relation between the movements of celestial bodies and what takes place on the Earth.”
    AND THIS IS THE CAUSE[ we hardly have sex, I feel like I have no connection to him and every time I feel like I don't know him.]OF YOUR PROBLEM-REMEMEBER WHEN A MAN DOES GET PROPER TEA AT HOME HE WILL LOOK FOR IT IN A HOTEL- SO YOUR QUOTA IS NOT FULFILLED YOU WILL GET DISTANCED AND THAT IS DANGEROUS FOR YOUR FUTURE-
    HOLD ON TO DEXUALLY AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE SO THAT HE HAVE NO URGE LEFT TO RUN PILLAR TO POST-
    REGARDS-

  3. Dear brother,
    thank you for your help.He watches it when he is away on his trip. one day when had went to work and came back i use the last open button in the computer and the web site came up and he totalyy denied it. I look very good for my age and i alwys dress up and look ver presabltale, he look sa lot older then me .it is little stuff that is getting in my head like one time he was supposed to stay in Dubai for one night he stayed for two and said he could not find a seat, but he went back to the same hotel and got the same room?
    I also found an email address of a women and he said it is probably a clint.
    another time he came back from his trip and slept on the couch i asked him why he said my back hurts and our mattress needs to be changed, he does have alittle back problem but he has never slept on the couch before.and never compalined about he mattress before or ofter tht night.
    He has offerd to take a lies detector test or go to a marriage counselor, he says please do not detroy this family, if he was in love with some one nothing would stop him from leaving , i tell him you are not in love with some one you are just having sex with other women like escprt, he travels a lot and a lot of things are available to him, we live in the U.S. and he travles in the country or some time out side also.
    very confuse to what to do.plese advise. thank you

  4. salaam sister,

    you should do what you feel is right. if the shoe was on the other foot..would your husband leave you without contemplating it? if you stand for nothing you fall for anything and we have to teach people how to treat us. cheating can lead to alot of things that....is it worth it ...

    ayat

  5. Dear Sister Malalai:

    I knew that there would be posts scolding you about visiting Hindu and Astrology advisers per Islamic requirements but I am little disheartened that brothers Ahmed and Ali spent about 2/3rds of their answers on these items and less on guiding you. Neither do I believe that you are necessarily doing something to alienate your husband, as the research on such issues shows that men doing this often have very devoted wives and families. I also know stories of immigration fraud where it is not younger men but older ones who use women so I believe you when you say that he is older in age and appearance.

    From your two posts it appears that your husband: watches porn on a frequent basis, has used an account to chat about sexual things with other women, may be going to bars, and also he travels a lot and in a Western country. Many other little things you have mentioned that seem strange to yourself (and to me the reader).

    I do know from the research and from real life accounts that situations like this the men will deny everything up and down, even sometimes when they are caught or the evidence is shown to them.

    I am very concerned that your husband is not behaving in an Islamic manner at all and he appears to be effectively shutting you out while continuing on with whatever he is doing. I would advise you to stay calm and collect as much evidence as you can. At the point when you are convinced that he is being dishonourable to you (for some women the evidence you quoted would have already been enough to take action i.e. pornography, bars, chatting sexually with other women) then you need to speak with a trusted Islamic scholar or Imam about what actions you can take. At that point, it is up to you.

    I sincerely hope this is something you can both work through. Sometimes these situations where men carry out these behaviours can go on for a lifetime, while they hang on to their wives for the comforts of a "shell" marriage. I did advise a female colleague whose brother's estranged wife was getting very close to her own husband and trying to manipulate him. They are Catholics. I asked her to focus on her children, act and be happy, and behave with confidence around him. My advice was specifically related to her situation as she was in danger of alienating him and pushing him further away so this would turn the tables as it was not possible for her to draw closer to her husband when she was so hurt and I was worried her family could break apart due to the outside influence. Surprisingly it worked rather quickly as he noticed how happy and confident his wife was (even asked her what she was so happy about) and eventually over time he saw the other woman for what she was doing and closed down communications. HOWEVER - there was no porn, no bars, no sexual chatting or anything like that going on in my colleague's situation and she was also prepared in case she had to separate. Still .... while you observe your husband and stay calm to collect evidence you can also focus on your own and your children's well-being like my colleague did.

    The Quran often gives us directive to use our faculties and to think for ourselves. Your observations and your intuition are gifts from Allah. Do not let anyone convince you of something under your own nose and your own roof that is ringing bells in your mind and gut - no matter how well intentioned they are.

    All the best to you Sister and may Allah show you the path he wishes you to take with this life challenge.

    Allah Hafiz

  6. Salam Sister,

    I am saddened by the brothers above not focusing in on giving you the proper advice. While of course in the future avoid going to palm readers or consult with non-Muslim religious leaders, it is evident that your husband and you need to visit a counselor.

    Your husband is committing haram and zina by watching porn and also having intimate communication via email/text with other women.

    Find a good marriage counselor and have your husband also meet the counselor. Sexual addiction and porn addiction is a major reason for divorces in addition to financial reasons. You should make an agreement to see if your husband can be more open, but having the PC face in open and also he allows you to see his email and also you allow him to see yours. Many husbands and wives often share email addresses.

    Zina or adultery is not just a physical act but watching porn is also Zina. There is no excuse for Zina! Even if you are the beautiful woman in the world, your husband can still be addicted to porn. I have dealt with many porn addicts and many were addicted to porn before marriage. They all love their wives but their addiction was the same as drug addiction.

    All of these brothers required some counseling with an Imam or Psychologist. Majority of the brothers gave up watching porn when they allowed their wives to add NetNanny Application to their PC. Only their wives know the password. That way the husbands could no watch porn on their application.

    You might also want to ask your husband to do an STD test. Many times husbands have extramarital sex and give STDs to their wives.

    If all else fails, then you should ask Imam for mediation and request a divorce. If your husband cannot give up porn for you and for the sake of Allah, then he is worshiping porn and not Allah.

    Please search for a good marriage counselor and schedule an appointment immediately.

  7. Dear brother Seikh,
    thank you for yor advise, this is what i need.The problem is he dennis eveything, and will not admit to it. I have tried and tried in many ways to get it out of him but he will not confess to anything.I am afraid even if we go to a counlser he will open up to her and will not admit to it. i had him do all the tests for sexualy transmited disese and also had all the test done my self. But when i look i to my heart i have no respect for him anymore, and do not love him and for the past 3 months i do not sleep with him, even he tries i told him i iwill call the police on you. My only problem is i have a 14 year old daughter and i am afraid if i leave now her life will be ruined, I only want to stay for one more year until she turns 15 and until then we will se asounslor and will have him take a lie detactor test also.
    I was also thinking to take him to an imom that my duaghte goes to an AMA, americn muslm assosication and just talk to him whie i am not there maybe he will open up to him and he can give him advise in the ligh of Qoran.I jut think our relatonship is an empty shell and with this much stuff happening for the past 8 years it is finally time that i need to take a step and be done with it.
    ounce agian thank you for your kind advise.
    best regard
    malalai

  8. Dear sister Kadi,
    Thank you for your advise he is doing exactly as you said. I showed him the email from his friends and he tore it and said she was only a friend who used to call him a pet name. I showed him the list of girls he was chatting with on line abo his sexual fantasy he said his co worker are using his computer and that is not him.. I know that he knows that I don't believe a word her says and he tries to turn it on me, saying you are young and beautiful and you are doing these things because y have found some one else and want to make it my fault the marriage did not last.
    I have made up my mind I told him today that(he is away on a trip) he can call the house and talk to his kids and come on Skype and I have noting to do with him until I figure out what I will do. I told him at the beginning I did not act strongly and he got More courage to do more and more. I can financially support my self very well, my whole family is here with me and financially very stable, so the financial situation is not an issue I am just worried about my daughter who just stared 9th grade and will really take a tool on her. he Is very close to them and very attached to them and I know he loves them a lot. he said he will go to the counselor with me but my heart is not accepting him anymore as recent as 8 months ago he went to Dubai and he said he could not get a seat to come so he stayed 2 nights there, when he came he was acting very weird towards me and my gut feelings was telling me who is that possible, he aid it is a very strict country and no one can anything there, but if they stayed in the same hotel room and said they are husband and wife no on asks for a marriage certificate do they.
    Even if we go to a marriage counselor we are done, my heart will never accept him after he tells the counselor the truth which I also know, because I can not forgive and forget.
    thank you for your help.

  9. Brother Qasim Sheikh - beautiful advice and important additional points you brought. Perfect!

    To Sister Malalai:

    What you do is your choice, whether situation can be retrieved depends on many things but trust yourself. I don't want to mention who, but a lady very close to me confided a couple times that she seriously regretted she did not take her children and leave an abusive husband years ago. This was very painful for me to hear because the unhappy marriage took a bad toll on the children. When we go through a difficulty it hurts a lot at the time, we may have to cry or stop and take deep breaths sometimes. But years later - we are usually thanking Allah from the bottom of our hearts that we are free of those situations. After a few of these times we really begin to trust in Allah and do our best to move forward knowing that things are changing for a reason or that something else is there for us in the next stage of life.

    May Allah make the way easy for you and give you peace in your heart, and to all the readers also.

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