Verbally abusive wife
Asalaam Aleikum brothers and sisters,
This is quite an unusual topic to discuss I have been married for a number of years now and Alhamdulillah have a beautiful son. My wife and I are both british and had a love marriage. We were fine for a short time but as time has progressed my wife has become very tempermental, when angry she speaks abuse. I cant mention basically its unthinkable towards me and my family.
I myself I feel are very much to blame as I ignored it just for the sake of getting out of an argument and scared of the fact I might lose my temper and do something silly. I've come to a point were I just feel I cannot take it any more as it has become extremely constant.
The only thing that has kept us together thus far is our child as I do not want him to grow up with out me, but sadly I'm coming to the point where I'm beggining to wonder how long he will keep us together. I have tried to re-search topics on wives who behave like this and what islamic law says about this situation but have not had much luck in this matter. I know the Almighty SWT does not like divorce and I have avoided this as much as possible. But I would like to know where I stand in terms of if I was to finish this relationship, would I be committing sin?
Any advice would be appreciated
Allah Hafiz
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Walaikumsalaam JamilKhan,
Brother, thank you for writing to us about this problem you are experiencing with your wife. I can imagine it took alot of courage for you to write in as it is more common to hear of a man being abusive to his wife than the other way around.
I can understand you are fed up and tired with what is happening in your marriage; as being verbally abused by your spouse - the one person who is meant to be closest to you in all ways; it must leave you feeling hurt, disrespected and intimidated. However, brother before contemplating divorce, have you been through all routes of mediation? Try to remember the reasons why you were initially drawn to this woman and use that as your incentive to strive. Have you told your wife how she makes you feel when she loses her temper? If yes, how did she react? Ask her if she is happy. Have you suggested that she take anger management therapy? Or that you both have marriage counselling together? Is there any specific thing that triggers her off her bouts of anger? Has she been under stress lately? You say that she was fine for a short while and then she became temperamental - can you identify anything that happened that could have influenced her behaviour?
Although you feel like giving up, do try the above before contemplating divorce inshaAllah. I apologise if I have stated the obvious here brother, but even though Allah has permitted divorce if two people cannot live together, I am sure that does not go without saying that we must make full efforts to make amends first. I know that this must be very difficult for you as you are so very tired, so may Allah give you immense patience and wisdom to deal with this matter in the best way.
Best Wishes
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com, Editor
Assalamu alaikum Brother,
I applaud you for writing into this forum. Your situation is not a unique one. What you are experiencing is abuse. There are many cases like yours but most men will not report it because they are embarrassed to tell someone that their wives are physically or verbally abusing them.
Since you have not mentioned whether she has physically abused you there is still hope that you can work this out with her. When someone is physically abused I think it would be much more difficult to reconcile.
What I would suggest is try to talk to her about how you feel. Men have feeling's too. If that doesn't work then talk to her about both of you going for counseling or anger management classes for her. You need to find out why she reacts in such a harsh way. She may not be able to help herself.
So before you decide on divorce exhaust all of your options. In the end if she refuses help then you have to decide how long you can continue to endure the abuse.
Ask Allah for guidance. Make Istikhara to help with your decision. Insha Allah everything will work out for you.
Your Brother in Islam
Abdul Wali
Salaams Brother,
I agree with Sister Z. You say that you ignored your wifes behaviour to avoid arguments. However, by doing so, your wife has continued to behave in this manner and she may well be quite used to this habit of being abusive.
As Sister Z advised, communicate with your wife and try to find out what is the matter with your her and why she behaves in this way. It may be that since you had ignored it, she doesn't realise how hurtful she is being or she may have become more abusive to provoke more of a reaction.
Try to have an amicable discussion together. If this doesn't go to plan, see if you can involve an objective person who you both respect in order to mediate and help resolve these issues.
Marriage has it's ups and downs. Don't be so ready to give up just yet. As advised above, exhaust all avenues before taking the step of divorce.
Regards
Hopeful
salamu alaykum
i feel your pain brother. i am in a similar situation. she has been verbally abusive from the begining. i thought her anger was from outside things. all her friends had houses so i bought one. that didnt work. she started talkin aobut her children in her country. so i thought that was it. i brought them here. nothing changed through it all. i suggested couseling. all i get is its my fault. but when i ask what can i do to make it better she can come up with nothing. i have tried the talkin about it with her. i used to help around the house and do things to try to make her happy. now i dont even wanna be near her. it is like hell on earth. cause when you come home its supposed to be your place of refuge from the world and place to relax. i wish i had an answer for you but im searching for one myself. if you do find an answer let me know!!
As-salamualaikum,
I would say try counseling because I sense that what you mean is she wasn't always like this, that she has changed into this. And dua ofcourse. Try to make her feel like you love her and she is the best woman on earth, seriously. Try to ask her if somebody in your family has wronged her, or you have wronged her, and listen to her. Do NOT start defending your mommy or sister immediately. Listen to your wife. For a woman, when you hold her, hug her, respect her, spend time woith her, play with her kids, buy her gifts, and stand-up for her when your family or anyone mistreat/hurt her, then it means that you love her. If you don't, then she might feel like you don't love her. Tell her not to call you those names or put you down the way she does. I don't know too much about your situation or about human behavior, but there mnight be something really stressing her, maybe even you or your family. If she had always been like this, then I might think otherwise. Because I did know of one woman who was like this, and ofcourse she had always complains about her husband and in-laws, but her attitude, conflicting statements, rude behavior, and lies made me understand the situation to be something different and I actually started feeling sorry for her husband.
Make her sit down and ask her don't she gets tired of all this yelling and screaming and cursing. Ask her Wats bothering her. Help her arnd the house. If she doesn't change send her to her parents house for a month or so cool things off b4 u come to a conclusion. If she doesn't have parents arnd u can stay at a motel or something. Work things out b4 u make any decisions u might regret later.
Salaam
Have you considered that perhaps her mother or father did the same thing? We often learn how to act from our "role models", whether it's the right way to behave or not. You need to also consider that she has not learnt how to deal correctly with any frustration she comes across - just lashing out and abusing you is perhaps how she saw her parents deal with similar issues, so she may know no better way to behave. Your silence was sort of an indirect acceptance and validation of this behaviour - I know you didn't mean it to be, but she subconsciously evaluated it as such. I would advise marriage counselling definitely - she needs to re-learn how to behave with you when she is upset or frustrated. And you need to learn ways to reinforce the newly learnt correct behaviour, and also how to deal with relapses in her behaviour. I don't feel the situation warrants divorce at this stage at all - I feel there is a lot of hope for this marriage. Insha'Allah you will both grow together and re-learn how to have a healthy marital relationship, and also become good role models for your child so the cycle of abuse is interrupted.
Salaam.
dear ameerah , i am happy that u r an optimistic person ..... and u have put in a nice justification for this kind of behaviour too but believe me its a living hell to be in such state! things are not that simple once the problem is chronic and life long.
Hello All,
Im in the same position here. I see people get online and use these forums to vent. i have never been a venting type of an individual but then again there is always a first time. My wife is very abusive. I never knew what abuse was until I started to live with her. My marraige was also a love. The problem what my brothers you guys a dealing with is that may be your wife(s) have some sort of behavioral disorder. I have learned that my wife is a strong candidate for a disorder called border line personality. it is a very confusing disorder. not many ppl have the awareness of this disorder. And people who are suggested counsel help may not realize the severity of the disorder. When some has any sort of a pyschological disorder- it is almost impossible and when i say impossible i mean it. it is close to impossible to get them to get or seek help. all i am saying that i am not hoping that your wife has this or that disorder but atleast mine does. I know people above who have suggested counseling- and they are absolutly right in their way but getting help atleast in my case has not been possible. May God help you with your journey. Mine is very Rocky and i am super depressed now. So may be my advise isnt what you should follow but atleast if you dont do anything about this, than what is gonna happen is that you will lose your self in this battle. You fight a battle if its worth fighting for. Always remember you as a person is the most important person. That doesnt mean that you ignore others but you cant ignore yourself. because if you ignore yourself than you will not be in the position to help others either.
Thanks.
aoa all
i know writing here will not solve my problem! i do not know still i am writing this....i am 32 married with a daughter 3.5yrs and a son 6 months and yes i live in a very abusive relations ship where we fight on useless things, my wife is tempremental and she looses herself completely on small things.we almost had a divorce after 8 months of marriage things got ugly due to joint family system and i lost my control and hit her! but then i left every thing because of her because religion tells me to and its been 4 yrs since then and multiple times i have thought of divorce.some times i feel so sad about my fate. feel lonely and vulnerable! its like what will happen to my kids ,,,,, its like a week goes and then u know its shouting from both sides on things which are not that serious ,, petty small things! i feel sick of this relation ship i wish i would not have married at all but what to do now! and kids....
may be its a testfrom Allah for some ......... may be for some it has to go all ur life, there is no way it can change with out divorce... its a dead end so carry on because of kids ... there is no choice
shafiq, please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I have had this issue with my wife. She has the courage to raise her hand on me too. A incredibly difficult to thing to take.. Every little problem is a huge problem for her. Blam blam blam goes on all the time, even if I loose a business contract of thigs dont work out, she taunts me and makes fun etc. Provkes me all the time.
I have forgiven her a over and over and took promises and she breaks it all the next morning. All I ask her it to discuss a problem without using a an abusive language but she wont.
I have 3 kids with her, and in no mood to divorce her because of that, she probably kind of knows Im not the kind to divorce or abandon so she has taken this for granted, now I wnat to give her a very strong message by telling her to go back to her home and not have her back till I feel I can live with her and she can take a divorce if she wants.
Hope its the right thing to do . Allah forgive me
K, Asalaamualaykum,
I am sorry for what you are going through. It is not at all pleasant being on the receiving end of verbal abuse, especially from one's spouse. However, I will have to ask you to log in and submit your question as a separate post. When you do, try to add more detail explaining the nature of your relationship with your wife, so we can advise you better inshaAllah.
May Allah give you then strength and wisdom to deal with situation in the best way, aameen.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hi there. Here is a video I put together documenting my personal experience with parental alienation. I think it's a high quality production, and a powerful rebuttal to the claim by some experts that parental alienation doesn't exist--that it is just an excuse used by "bad" parents. Please let me know what you think. Please consider passing along this video to whomever you think it may benefit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPpm4Gyi1jk
Thanks!
Dave
brother, i ask Allaah to get you out of this disgracefull situation.
it is a very humiliating situation.
your solution is found in the perfect, mistakenless, infallible Qur'aan.
it tells us how to deal with disrespectfull wives.
in suurah nisaa, aayah 34.
ma'asalaamah
How about giving a quran in mp3 format and in translation to your wife
I guess this will help her
And if she is a homemaker than I guess she will have quite a time to listen to it
This will help her come close to allah , star offering salah and ultimately the anger ghost will disappear
Apart from the above u can also try anger management
But I guess the first will be more effective
Assalamu alaikum
May ALLAH guide me.
I see the requests to post seperate questions, I can see the reason for that, but like the other brothers I have been looking for one place where I can find answers and support. I too am in a desperate situation with my wife. Sadly I am reduced to searching the internet for answers. I have tried to calmly speak to my wife, made Dua, been to the musjid, spoken to the Mullana and my brothers in Islam. I have been to Isalmic marriage councelling, psychological councelling, asked for the family to mediate, psycological couples councelling. We went to many speclists in jinn, witchcraft and evil eye. Nothing has changed. My wife is an Alima, but that too does not stop the physical and verbal abuse. The names she calls me are too foul to repeat, and she punches me in the face. The verbal abuse is in front of family some of whom are children, for the smallest of things. She says I make her do these things, that is why I think there is no hope. She finds a justification for the physical abuse by saying I said something to upset her, yet nothing she says will ever be enough for me to hit her, not even the punches to the face will provoke me to hit her. I will never have a justification for hitting her, as I never want to be such a person and I will not want to face my ALLAH one day with the weak excuse that 'my wife made me do it'. I have faith in ALLAH, but I cannot continue this way. I have tried everything. I feel like I want to go to sleep and never wake up - may ALLAH forgive me. If there is a test from ALLAH, I fear I have failed.
Asalaam alaikum,
You haven't failed, you've just reached the end of the line. After everything you describe, all the efforts and trials, you know what to do, but you're at the point of looking down and not being able to realize that you can look up again.
There comes a point wherein some people will never change. It's up to you to instead change the circumstances by taking your life back as yours' and do what Allah (swt) allows in this desperate situation. I pray that you will realize that the inevitable needs to unfold.
May Allah (swt) bless you and give you the strength to do what is necessary