Molested and lost trust in Allah but now how can I fall in love with HIM again?
It has been 18 years and each day the pain gets worse than before. I was molested multiple times when I was younger. No one knows. Not a soul. My hands are shaking while typing this. Tears are falling down my face. I feel like there is a huge rock on my heart. I hate him so much. How can someone be so evil? I was so young; I didn't know what was happening. I am now married with two lovely kids. They are so beautiful and innocent. I am so thankful for everything Allah has given me. But I am so angry for what has happened to me.
Every morning on our way to school my mother would recite a Duaa, asking Allah to protect us from all evil in the world and keep bad people away from us, but it didn't work. Evil came to me every day. I get so sick to my stomach every time I get my flashbacks. I remember every moment of it. I remember his hands, his face, his smile, his mouth... I remember how confused I was the first time it happened and I remember when he made me touch, kiss, and “hug” him.
After I had my daughter I suffered from post-partum depression. I went to see a therapist but I couldn't get myself to open up. I began having major panic attacks and detailed flashbacks. The worst thing was I was unable to trust my husband any more Every time he would touch me I would get flashbacks and start crying. I avoided any intercourse with him because I didn't want my lovely moments with him to be associated with my previous horror.
Things are better now but I don’t know how to connect with Allah. I don’t pray any more. I just have so much hatred in my heart. How can Allah allow this to happen to me? My mother prayed every morning for me but it never worked. I need to know how can I clear my mind and heart and fall back in love with Allah. Again I am so thankful for my healthy children and my lovely husband. But I find myself questioning everything.
Is there any hadith or verses from the Quran I can recite when I'm in my dark place?
What is his punishment? Will I ever get my revenge? And what will happen to me? Is Allah punishing me now? Am I getting any anger for the pain I'm dealing with?
11 Responses »
Leave a Response