We want to marry in secret
Salaam.
I was seeing someone and we both fell in love and decided we wanted to get married to each other, we both told our parents and my family accepted as he was muslim and I loved him. However, he's family didn't and gave him an ultimatum between me and his family. As his mother was ill, he didnt want to make her worse, and didn't want to risk losing his whole family so he decided to end our relationship. He then found out that his mother wanted him to get married to his cousin, which is something he said no to and expressed how much he would be unhappy and how he would only ever love me. However, his family emotionally blackmailed him and he was forced to marry his cousin after a month.
He isnt happy, but gets on with things for the sake of his family. Recently I have been very ill and he has realised that he cant live without me and wants to marry me. However, he has said that he doesn't want to leave his current wife, as she look after his mum and family etc, but he said that when we do get married he wants to live with me, To avoid us committing anymore sins, I suggested that we have a nikah, which he has agreed to do, however our families will not know until when he is ready to tell them about me, which he said will be in around 6 months time, and once they know we will live together.
I am slightly worried and concerned though as he won't leave his wife because he is too scared that it will effect his family. He has also said to me he cant do anything sexual with her as he isn't attracted to her and he wants to have children with me etc. I said he should get a divorce, if not now in the future as his wife will want to have children but I don't know what the best thing to do islamically is.
-confused786
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Salaam confused.
I strongly advise you to stay away from secret marriages. They are wrong in Islam as the Prophet (SAW) said that marriages should be publicised. Also by being in a secret marriage you are waiving your rights, which will cause you many problems later on. It goes without saying that his parents blackmailing him and emotionally pressuring him to marry his cousin was very wrong. And Allah swt will question them about their actions on the day of judgement. But at the same time my dear sister, two wrongs dont make a right. And you will be questioned for what you have done, so do the right thing, even if it is more difficult.
Do not have contact with this man, even if you do love him. If you break contact you can begin to move on. That way if he wants to marry you he can do it properly. There is really not an excuse. What is likely is if you marry him you will be constantly waiting for him to leave his wife and will feel used. There are many other sisters who have been in your situation, married secretly and are now living a life behind closed doors just waiting for him to leave his first wife. These sisters often are desperate for children and for financial support and emotional support. Their stories often started off with falling in love etc and him making many promises which in time he realises he can't fulfill.
At the same time, you can avoid zina with him by not putting yourself in any situation which leads to zina. Do not talk to him or meet him or have contact with him. Let him go and put your trust in Allah swt and turn to Him. He will reward you InshaAllah. I pray that Allah swt eases your illness dear sister. Focus on strengthening your relationship with Allah. Everything in this life will perish, but the only thing that remains are good deeds and pious character. Put things in perspective. You deserve a loving husband who is free to love you openly and give you financial support etc. Please only accept that and nothing less.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Sister,
I agree with Sara. If this man did not have the courage to overcome his mother's emotional blackmail before, what has changed that will make him over come it now. What will change in six months time that will make him strong enough to marry you in public? He is just biding his time because he doesnt know what else to do.
Protect yourself. Break away from this relationship. If he wants to pursue marriage with you, he will come to your family openly. It is wrong for you to suggest that he leave his first wife. The best thing you can do is leave him to work his marriage out. Otherwise, I am more than sure that in 6 months time you will be writing here telling us despairingly that he says he needs more time and that you feel used.
Having said all that, is your secret marriage even valid? Our Rasool(sws) said, that a marriage without a wali is invalid, invalid, invalid. Do tawbah sis and try to remove this man from your life. With time and determination, the pain will heal and you will move on inshaAllah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
If one has to be in a relationship that has be a secret, a wise person should not be in it. I hope and pray that you will chose the wise option. Allah wants no nikah in secret - that is why there are witnesses to the nikah and there is a the valima (party by the man declaring the woman as his wife).
Please don't try to fool Allah and His laws by distorting them for your convenience and doing nikah "secretly" - one can try to fool the world, but not Him.
Move on sister, and ask Allah for someone who can be 100% yours from day #1!
Confused,
The best advice I can offer you here is to turn around and walk in the opposite direction. You deserve better than to be someones secret. That is not a way to begin a life with anyone!
Salaam Sister,
All other Sisters have given you good advice mashallah. I will like to add 4 things with clarity.
1- In the begginng of this secret marriege if you do go ahead and do it, you will be excited of 3aroos period and all that, but after just short period the situation will destress you, knowing you dont have full rights as the first wife.
2- Since the brother's family did not eccept you to start with, they will be even more upset if you do this behind there back ( I am not agreeing with what they are doing but this is what would happen). As a result they will be with the first wife side and pull your husband to their side.
3- If he did not stand firmly with you before, its more likely his family will win for the second time.
4- In the whole process you are morelikely to get hurt , more than any one else.
5-Just like you suggest to him to leave his first wife, they will pressurise him to leave you. "Family politics"
Be strong and move on, you dont want a husband to secretly come to see you, you need a husband who is proud to walk with you from day 1. Good luck , I will include you in my duas.
Amna