We are separated – now what?
Asalamu alaikum. Me and my husband have now been separated what seems to be close to 6 months. We have 2 young toddlers together alhamdulilah. I have read somewhere that if it has been 4 mnths and the husband has taken an oath of not getting intimate with his wife, that they would have to re-do the nikkah (something along those lines anyway). He has sworn to me that he "is not a man" if he comes back to live in the house and he isn't going to come back. Now, does that sound like an oath?
I was also told that after 6 months of separation, the man has to give a new dowry again? Allahu a3lam, i couldn't find anything online to clarify this to be honest.
Honestly speaking, I feel like the majority of men get influenced too easily by other men and are scared of looking like they love their wives nowadays, but you could argue those are immature men I suppose. Our problems were something that could be easily solved, it's when others have an opinion on your relationship, that the problems start. I also have issues with my in-laws but they are not that major, I believe if you really want to work on your marriage, nothing can get in between, so although they do play a part in our problems, I can ignore that for the sake of my marriage.
If a man could leave his wife and his babies that easily, without even fighting for the relationship, maybe he didn't love them that much anyway. Alhamdulilah, I feel like I have found myself and have gone closer to my deen since, so thats a positive thing, but at the same time I don't think it's fair to not even TRY to reconcile at all. Everyone is acting like nothing is wrong. He says he does not want a divorce and that he does not take it lightly, yet he mentions he is going to get his own house and wants the kids to sleep over some days. This honestly doesn't make sense to me. I want you guys to help me here in shaa Allah and give me some advice.
Jzk
Zulekha
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Did you guys argue/fight a lot? If your problems were easy to resolve why you guys did not resolve them? How old is your husband? Were their intimacy problems between you two?
Is you husband providing you financial support for you and kids?
If you want to reconcile don't mention him saying "is not a man" part.
If all channels of communication are closed off on your husband's part, then I guess all you can do is to wait for your divorce to go through. I know you'd probably prefer to patch things up and continue with your marriage, but in any relationship it takes both / all parties to WANT to make things right. If your husband is comfortable and decisive about his decision of not going back to you, then I don't believe there's more to do in your situation.
Assalaamualaikam
If you are keen to try to reconcile with your husband, then the next step would be to find out whether he is willing to try as well - it's a process that requires effort from everyone involved, so if he isn't interested, it's better to know sooner rather than later.
If he's willing to try, then the two of you could try to find a Muslim marriage counsellor and work on the problems you had, with the hope of being able to resolve the difficulties, inshaAllah. However, if he isn't willing to try, then it'll be hard for there to be any reconciliation.
He's mentioned that he doesn't want a divorce - it would be helpful to find out why. Does he want to fix the problems in the marriage? Does he have concerns about what a divorce would mean? Is he happy to keep you hanging on as his first wife while he goes and marries someone else? Once you have some information about why he doesn't want a divorce, you can start to decide whether you want to stay married or whether you want to consider divorce so that you can move on with your life.
Before making any big decisions, consider the potential impacts on your children, and pray istikhara.
Midnightmoon
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