Islamic marriage advice and family advice

We got married, and then I found out he is already married after a week

worried 287x300 %photoAssalamu Alaikum...

My issue is about polygamy. I am married to a muslim man and I converted on the same day.

In my situation, I didn't know at all before we got married that my husband had a wife and on the process of divorce already. After a week of getting married I just then learned about the 1st wife which surprised me a lot and got me confused with the situation.

His story is that before meeting me, for 3 months he tried to get their marriage back on track and settle their issues, after 3 months, as he tried to fix things and it wasn't working,  he gave up, because she's not coming back to him. Then he start searching, then we met. I'm not muslim and really don't have any idea about the religion, but since I love him so much, I took that big step and changed for better and for Him. Then when the 1st wife learned about our marriage she started calling and crying to my husband to bring her back.

For the past 8 months I've spent with my husband she is calling night and day, she is crying and try to win my husband back. We got to the point where I agreed to let her back but I told my husband that I cannot promise that I'll be staying with him for the rest of my life with this set-up, for the fact that I know my self, I cannot lie to my self that this hurts me so much, and never dreamed of sharing my husband with anybody.

I know this sounds selfish, being a Muslim, but I was raised as a Christian, and emotionally I really cannot tolerate this set up. Then things become upside down: one day she will agree the next day she will not agree, she's telling my husband to leave me and bring her back, which our husband won't agree to. Most of the time his 1st wife is the cause of our fights and his threatening of leaving me and  going back to her. She is asking for a baby after which she will divorce him. Things are getting worse, and causing too much fights and  sometimes threats us to leave each other.

He used to tell me he loves me more than her, and I ask him 'if your telling the truth that you and you 1st wife marriage was finished then prove to me'. I asked for their 3rd legal divorce. Then he answered no problem I'll give you a copy but promise me you will never leave me till we get old. So last week he went to the court for their last legal divorce and Im just waiting for the papers.

I just want to know if I am too selfish and if I displease Allah. That I ask my husband to totally finish their marriage? And secondly, We are married by an Imam and with my husbands family, we have 2 witnessnes but not yet legally married of married lawful, is it acceptable? Do I really have the right over him, in the eyes of Allah?

Please I need clarity, for I am still studying Holy Qur'an and Islam.

Thanks and I appreciate in advance any response.

- a1213


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2 Responses »

  1. Salaam my Sister,

    I am sorry that you have had to experience this awful discovery and find yourself in a situation that you did not agree to. Your husband sold the idea of marriage to you as one man with one woman, and now you are in a polygamous situation due to his misrepresentation of the truth:

    “If they (two parties meeting to trade) are truthful and clarify (any and all deficiency in their goods), their transaction will be blessed. But if they lie and conceal (any deficiency in their goods), the blessings of their transaction will be eradicated.”
    Reported by Hakim b. Hizam, in Saheeh Al-Bukhari and Saheeh Muslim

    There is no fault on you in this situation. You thought you were marrying a single man, and it was on these grounds that you accepted marriage. You found out that you are married to a married man, and you have an emotional wife / ex wife to deal with as well.

    You do not have to accept this, and there is no sin upon you for being unhappy with this situation and wanting to hold your husband to his word.

    This woman is behaving hysterically and you have little chance of effective communication as she has one single motivation - to break up your marriage. Do not permit this to go on in your marriage and in your home and in your life. She has got to go and your husband has to make this happen, and he has to make it happen ASAP. I would advise that you sit down with your husband and explain to him very clearly that you are not going to tolerate this any longer and give him a time-period in which he has to sort this mess out: 1 week, 2 weeks or one month - whichever you choose. You must be firm and you must be 100% committed in seeing this through and you must be 100% happy of dealing with whatever consequences come from your action.

    Once she is gone, I would advise that you change your phone numbers to prevent further attacks on your marriage from this woman. Her family should be informed, and they need to know that she is behaving irrationally and desperately and she needs someone to come and assist her back to her sanity and coach her through the breakup which she is in denial about. If she continues to harass you, you may then inform authorities of her presence in your lives.

    If your husband pleads or makes excuses, do not accept them - just go to your families house until he complies. You agreed to marry a single man - end of story. There is no discussion, justification or excuses that will make that simple fact any different.

    You do not have to accept this, you do not have to put up with it and you do not have to find a way of dealing with it. As far as I can see, you married him believing he was single which was falsehood, and the commitment you made was based on a fundamentally essential 'fact' regarding his relationship status. You discovered, after making a commitment that he is married still. This breaks the contract between you - you have every right to kick up a fuss, which I strongly advise that you do before this woman gets even more hysterical and before your husband starts to sleep with her, and before she becomes pregnant.

    The situation is getting worse and worse: you must step in and step in firmly to resolve the problems before they become unresolvable.

    Stand your ground.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

    • Salaam sister,

      Thank you Sister Leyla. Actions was been done already, my husband told me their already divorced and he had the papers but until now I haven't seen the papers. For the reason that we are away from each other right now. But still half of my heart tells me maybe he is lying. Not because I don't trust him but he lied to me many times about her, about talking to her behind of me. So I will just wait till he comes back and believed on him when I already have the proof.

      Any way thank you very much for you advice and I will hold on with whatever decision I will make with regards of my husband's ex wife. I already told him that it's either he'll divorce her or I will divorce him. And I made it very clear to him that in my way of living I never dreamed of sharing a husband to anyone. And what he did was not really acceptable.

      At least now I know, asking him to divorce her was not a sin in my part. And I have all the right to complain and get upset of what he has done.

      Thank you very much I really appreciate it. May Allah continue to bless you.

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