IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Salaam,

I am a 20 year old woman who lives in Britain. I met a man over 4 years ago when I began college and a year after that I started to like him, I was not a praying muslim then and I deeply regret that I had been in a relationship with him prior to that for 3 years (on and off because we were immature and would have break ups over silly things and also due to being busy with university as after college we were in different cities for university). We ended our relationship 6 months ago and this was all a big build up from a long time ago.

His parents are very cultural, they're pakistanis too but him and his siblings mother and father were all born in pakistan and only came here about 7 years ago so they are a lot more cultural than me and my family. His mother knew I am his friend and at the time I WAS only his friend it was only until after that that we had gotten into a relationship however she was never fond of me even as just his friend as I was very close to him and my image came off very inappropriate to her although I was never that sort of girl. He is the only man I have loved or have ever wanted to marry. Time went on and we thought that we would be able to get around his mum and he was always honest to me about what his mother thought of me and how his dad dislikes british girls even more than his mother.

His elder sister knew about me and we spoke a few times and she also seemed to like me however he has another sister younger than her but elder than him who brought the topic up during summer about me and he told them that he likes me and wants to marry me but his sisters explained that giving me hope is wrong because his mother doesnt like me and what hes doing isnt right.

They thought i wouldnt fit in with them because they all speak in urdu to each other and their jokes and things would be different to me although i DO know urdu and i am very much in touch with my roots as my parents are both pakistani born too and have taught me everything i need to know. He told me then what his sisters had said to him and of course this worried me as they are older and they would know better so I told him to just tell me upfront what he wants and if he thinks its not going to happen to just end everything now however he told his elder sister my reaction and she was heartbroken and very much supportive of the idea of him marrying me because of my reaction as I was telling him in a online conversation how I always thought the fact that me and him got along and we had the same ideologys and views that it would be enough for us to be able to be married and how that even though im pakistani just the fact that im british born would end all of that and make me not marriage material?

His sister then told him she would talk to his parents about me and she did and when his dad spoke to him about it he didn't mention me at all all they talked about was how hes young and needs to be financially secure and basically indirectly made out to him that hes young and what he thinks is love isn't and hes not making the right decisions.

His mother also asked him what my father and mother do and my mother and father are not educated therefore she concluded to him that we'll be uncivilised people and our families won't get along as his mother is a teacher and his father has a medicine degree.

Prior to this we began having arguments because of what was happening so he went to his mother and told her to do istikhara and told me to as well. It was the first time i was doing istikhara and i dreamt of a green pineapple that night and hed told me isitikhara is to do with colours that you see in your dream but when i woke up i thought that maybe i wanted to see that thats why it happened so i repeated it again and i again saw a green shirt in my dream and stopped doing istikhara.

His mother began doing istikhara and she was not seeing anything for many days and me and my family and also him and his family were going on holiday in a few days (of course seperately) so i was getting very frustrated and impatient to the point where then i told him i dont want to marry him as when i told him to do istikhara he refused as he felt its wrong because his mother is doing it at the same time however i did say very horrible things to him that i would have never been happy with him etc but while i was on holiday i ended up speaking to him and he told me that after i left him his mother had seen a bad dream indicating our marriage would not be good but then we gradually became friends with the intention that we will never be in a relationship again and weve left it to Allah and if its going to happen it will.

My mother knows about him and his family and everything and she just wants me to be happy. I believe that when his family do meet me they will like me but im unsure if i will ever have the opportunity of meeting them. Im confused about the istikhara and what it means and also about what to do and how to tackle this problem.

He currently does not have a job as we are both in our 2nd year of university and we will be finishing in summer 2016. I pray i do marry him because i really do care for him.

His family are genuinely nice people and caring people they have just never met me and are very protective over their son as he is the youngest and they feel he is naive and doesnt know what hes doing. I still have great respect for both him and his family.

Currently we both have strengthened our imaan and pray 5 times daily and have realised what deep sin we have committed and sincerely repent for that and pray to not do it again.

bpmuslim