We’re tired of being his secret family!
Salaam,
Im a mother of two boys (15 and 7). I reverted to Islam 19 yrs ago before I married my husband. He has a first wife and 5 kids from her. I accepted his offer for marriage because I was all alone in a foreign country, realistically, I wanted to stay and become a citizen because I only had a working visa, and lastly because I thought Islam is fair when it comes to having a second wife.
He didn't ask permission to his first wife, I know it doesn't affect anything but I wanted some recognition. Funny we married inside a car with 2 witnesses, one of which posed as the one solemnizing the wedding. He gave a gold coin as my mahr. Not my dream wedding but because I loved him, I didnt care.
When I got pregnant with my first son, he asked me to go home. First reason was, sooner or later his family will see me and he doesn't want any problem. I accepted without thinking as I didn't want to cause problems. Second, it will be cheaper to live in my country and my family especially my mother will be with me during my pregnancy.
It was hard but I prayed to Allah to give me strength. He comes visit for a week, sometimes 14 days and one time 3 months because he had a business here. Once a year for 10 yrs. I hated it. My kids are growing up without him. He doesn't even come for their events because he said it's not important. It's so depressing that his children have their own family now but he can't talk about us because he doesn't want them to get hurt.
What about me? I kept asking what's his plan for his kids. Is he going to let his family know..? When? He said to give him time. What??? 10 yrs is enough time. Now, its been 15 yrs, I'm here alone with the kids doing everything for them. I asked for divorce. I feel terrible that this relationship contradicts Islam's teaching.
fatimah17
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Salaams,
Part of your reason to marry him was to stay in an islamic country, but it sounds like ever since your first pregnancy you've been back in your home country. It seems like one of the main goals of your marriage was sabotaged by that alone.
I agree with you sister. Being married to someone for 15 years and still being a secret is ridiculous. Not only that, but it's a very, very long time to give your rights up of seeing and spending time with your husband. It sounds like all the advantages you hoped to gain were negated almost immediately.
I think you have stayed in this situation for a long time hoping it would change, or clinging to the feelings of love you have for your husband while minimizing or ignoring the actual state of marriage you had with him. Now it seems you're starting to see everything in a more realistic way, and make decisions that are more in line with what you are beginning to value now: yourself and your kids.
I applaud you for taking the time to weigh and intend to go forward with these new and difficult decisions. May Allah make the way forward for you easy and clear. My advice to you dear sister is to get into some therapy or counseling and look at some of the patterns you had or may still have that allowed a situation to go on as long as it did, and work on changing them so you don't find yourself repeating them in the future.
May Allah bless you and your kids.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I cannot believe that you have been in this "relationship/marriage" for 15+ years!!! I guess you are either very naïve or cannot comprehend the real situation here. It does not make sense to me that you are asking a divorce AFTER 15 years. Not saying you should not but what made you stay in this marriage for such a long time and why now?
First, we need to understand here is : did you have a formal / legal document of your marriage in his country? I really doubt it if he has legally married you. If it is an Islamic marriage with 2 witness in a car, then you can ask for a divorce even on the phone.
What are you waiting for? Are you staying with him just because he provides food and shelter? What about your dignity and self-respect? He has no actual involvement and support in your family. You are but a mistress who bear 2 children for him. You are not even a wife!!! It is unfair for you and your children. From the beginning of your "marriage" is not right -sending you home so that his family won't see you or know about you. Can't you see he want to hide this relationship in the first place? If it is halah, why hide it. Please, sister, not because Islam allows 4 wives and you will accept such an unfair offer. He should have treated his wives fairly. He is not a man or a muslim, period. Don't be fool by someone who called himself a muslim and using Islam on his own benefit. Wake up, get a divorce and learn to live on your own. It is going to be hard but at least you will have your life and dignity back.
May Allah guides you and grants you strength to take on a new life.
Assalam alaikum,
You are absolutely correct in wanting to be recognized and frankly speaking, there is no such thing as a secret marriage in Islam--marriages are supposed to be publicly announced and not kept a secret.
I can't imagine living the way that you have been living. It is sad and very disturbing. This no life for you and your children. The part that I find most disturbing and scary is that your children will grow up thinking that this lifestyle is representative of Islam, and it isn't. No Sahaba or Prophet treated any of their wives in this manner. Some men rush into multiple marriages but aren't man enough to let the secret out or handle their personal lives with dignity. We often forget that the same Iyah that mentions marrying more than one states within it "then [marry only] one", but this of course is for those men who "...fear that you will not be just". So perhaps this is the root of the problem. Your husband isn't even fearful of being just and you must let that thought absorb with your mind. If your husband doesn't fear being held accountable for his lack of justice between his wives, it would be difficult to keep on expecting justice from such a man. This is a road that only leads to heartache.
I agree with Sr. Amy and suggest that you go to counselling and begin your journey to healing and decision-making, none of which is easy.
May Allah make it easy for you and your children. May Allah fill your husband's heart with fear in order to be just, Ameen.
Not to be rude, but what did you expect would happen when
1) You got married in a car with random people as witnesses instead of having a proper, Islamic wedding to announce your commitment to one another for your families and community? It's a very dodgy, weird way of getting married.
2) You married your husband knowingly of that fact he had not talked to his 1st wife about you. I don't understand why people keep doing this: they get married to someone and expect they will change for the better after marriage. Why does no one consider it can go the other way around? That things can change for the worse after marriage? Or remain exactly the same?
So you are getting a dicorce now. Good! What's the point of beign tied to someone if they are never actually there? It's better to free yourself and give yourself a chance to find someone else who will ackowledge your existence.