Islamic marriage advice and family advice

What does my marriage istikhara mean?

istikhara dreams %photo

I’m 17 (almost 18) and have been dating a 19 (soon to be 20) year old for just over a year now. I love him unconditionally, and feel he's the one. We realize it’s wrong to date and have always had the intention of getting married, however cause I’m still in full time education we hadn’t spoken to our parents about getting married.

A friend of mine told me we could have a nikah without our parents’ consent, but we had doubts in our mind about it and did istikhara, and it came back as a bad sign, his older sister explained that even though she had also agreed to allowing us to have a nikah she realized its wrong for so many reasons, cause our parents would be hurt if they found out we’d got married behind their back and that would also displease Allah. His sister said that when the time comes she is more than sure that her family will approve of me and her brother to get married and that she will be more than happy to know that its me as she adores me. We assumed that this was the answer to our istikhara prayer.

As I’m a friend of hers, I had attended their older sister’s wedding and met their family, with them being unaware that I and her brother were dating, only his cousins and friends were aware. I honestly felt like a part of their family, they were so loving and caring. At the time of their elder sisters’ wedding his mum suspect that me and him were dating but both his sisters quickly convinced her that we weren’t dating, despite suspecting we were dating she was still so sweet towards me. His mum still asks his sister about me and has invited me to come and visit the family again.

We’ve now decided that in seven months’ time, he will come and speak to my parents and that we could at least have an engagement then married later insha Allah, cause we feel guilty for keeping our relationship a secret. I decided to perform istikhara as he suggested we should do so, the reason being for this is because if we weren’t supposed to get married it would be wrong to carry on dating and assuming we will get married.

I’ve performed istikhara on a number of occasions to find out whether or not him and me will get married. But all I seem to have got is a dream in which he was in, we met up and my younger sister was also present, (she has never met him) I’m not sure what this dream means, it’s not often that I see him appear in my dreams, please help? Does the dream have to be of me and him getting married?

And also if I need to perform istikhara again can someone else do it on my behalf? Do I go along with the sign from previously? (When his sister mentioned that she is certain that him and me will get married when the right moment comes.)

~Soniyah


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7 Responses »

  1. Soniyah, Asalaamualaylum,

    1) It is HARAAM to be in a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, Allah(swt) says: "And come not near to the unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a Fahishah [i.e. anything that transgresses its limits (a great sin)], and an evil way (that leads one to Hell unless Allah forgives him)." (Surah Al-Isra,Verse 32)

    And the Prophet (saw) warned us: "The zina of the eyes is looking, the zina of the ears is listening, the zina of the tongue is speaking, the zina of the hand is touching and the zina of the foot is walking. The heart wishes and and longs and the private part confirms that or denies it." Ibn Battaal (ra) also said: "Looking and speaking are called zina because they invite one to true zina. He then said: "the private part confirms that or denies it."

    You are indulging in something very wrong, so STOP, now before you fall into more sin. Please read this: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/the-sin-of-fornication-and-adultery/

    2) REPENT, do TAWBAH immediately - both of you. Please read this link: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/tawbah-in-islam/

    3) Secret marriages are also HARAAM, the Prophet(sws) said a marriage without wali is invalid, invalid, invalid! If you feel that a relationship needs to be kept secret, then something is very wrong.

    4) Stop making this relationship into a sordid underground affair. Stop keep secrets. Both of you speak to your parents about it so they can proceed the matter. Hopefully your parents will do your nikah soon, but until they do, keep your distance from each other - if you fear Allah, you will adhere to this.

    5) To understand how to do istikhara properly, please read this: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/salat-al-istikhara-the-guidance-prayer/

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Asalaam alaykum

    You post needs altering, so I'll do it for you.

    I’m 17 (almost 18) and have been in a harram relationship a 19 (soon to be 20) year old for just over a year now. I lust for him unconditionally, and feel he's the one. We realize it’s wrong to date , but really haven't done anything regarding an intention of getting married, and we haven't spoken to our parents about getting married.

    A questionable friend of mine told me we could have a nikah without our parents’ consent, but we had doubts in our mind about it and did istikhara, and it came back as a bad sign. His older sister explained that even though she had also agreed to allowing us to have a nikah she realized its wrong for so many reasons, cause our parents would be hurt if they found out we’d got married behind their back and that would also displease Allah. His sister said that when the time comes she is more than sure that her family will approve of me and her brother to get married and that she will be more than happy to know that its me as she adores me. We assumed that this was the answer to our istikhara prayer.

    As I’m a friend of hers, I had attended their older sister’s wedding and met their family, with them being unaware that I and her brother were dating, only his cousins and friends were aware, and so we've been hiding from them. I honestly felt like a part of their family, though I am not, they were so loving and caring. At the time of their elder sisters’ wedding his mum suspect that me and him were dating but both his sisters quickly lied to her that we weren’t dating, despite suspecting we were dating she was still so sweet towards me, because she has a big heart even though we took advantage of it. His mum still asks his sister about me and has invited me to come and visit the family again, and though she is welcoming to me, neither me or her son honor her or respect her enough to be truthful.

    We’ve now decided that in seven months’ time, he will come and speak to my parents while we keep our haraam relationship and that we could at least have an engagement then married later insha Allah, cause we feel guilty for keeping our relationship a secret, as we should. I decided to perform istikhara as he suggested we should do so, instead of him having the courage to make a decent proposal and inform his parents, the reason being for this is because if we weren’t supposed to get married it would be wrong to carry on a haraam relationship and assuming we will get married.

    I’ve performed istikhara on a number of occasions to find out whether or not him and me will get married. But all I seem to have got is a dream in which he was in, we met up and my younger sister was also present, (she has never met him) I’m not sure what this dream means, it’s not often that I see him appear in my dreams, please help? Does the dream have to be of me and him getting married?

    And also if I need to perform istikhara again can someone else do it on my behalf? Do I go along with the sign from previously? (When his sister mentioned that she is certain that him and me will get married when the right moment comes.)

    And of course, I haven't even mentioned that apparently I've ignored obeying Allah (swt) through this whole post.

    The truth doesn't seem so nice this way. Yes, this is the tough love response, but you need to wake up and smell the coffee. Either have him make a proper proposal and get married or stop all contact. You guys have lied enough to his parents, are dragging others into it and seemingly have little fear of Allah (swt). The latter should have been enough to stop this.

    • Professor X

      Thank you for adding those points. Sister, just to reiterate:

      1) Both of you are lying to your parents and seem to be taking it lightly
      2) And you disobeying Allah but in your post have shown no concern for this
      3) Furthermore, you have made lots of excuses about why you cannot marry yet.

      If you both want any chance to have blessings in your marriage, stop doing what is wrong and start doing what is right. You are not a child. If you are old enough to have a relationship, you are old enough to get married. Insha'Allah, you will step up and start behaving like a Muslimah and hopefully take the advice here in a positive light.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Dont be turned away by the above response, it seems bad but in reality professor x just removed the cover of your relationship, you age shows your young, its loves young dream and you bend the corners around islam because you want to be good muslims, but want to keep seeing each other, sadly you cant, but your in a good position, since his older sister knows, so make a move, why wait 7 months go for it now, i mean its not like you going to change in that time, BUT be careful, make sure your ready for marriage, its a HUGE responsibility on both your parts, and if i may say so myself it starts of sweet, but once your settled you have to be able to handle the pressure, and when your young you got to be ready and mature, so make sure you ready before you commit, this is the rest of your life.

    Best of luck sister, insha'Allah everything will come good.

    • Another thing, dont trust your friends unless they are genuine, and their knowledge may be limited, so consult others before making rash decisions, good think you never went for a secret nikah, that would have been undoubtly bad.

  4. Wow. What a load of nasty, judgemental and self righteous people!! Someone, who may be young and appears a little naive, has reached out for advice. Instead of doing this in a supportive way in order to show her the right path and guide her, you have condemned her, belittled her and shamed her. You're nothing better than bullies. You have no right to put someone down like that, no matter how "haram" her behaviour may or may not be.

  5. Salaam sister,

    Please for the sake of your Aakhirah do not indulge in a haraam relationship - I know the above comments seem harsh, but it is the truth, and should not be sugar coated.
    Also as it's displeasing to Allah to have premarital relationships you are depriving yourself of blessings if you do marry.

    It is good that his mother was sweet towards you but be aware that the situation could very likely change drastically if she finds out - so expect the worst and hope for the best.

    Leave this haraam relationship for the sake of Allah sister and for no other reason. Ask this guy to speak to his parents and approach your parents as soon as he can. In the meantime refrain from having contact with him alone. Never ever meet a non-mahram alone because shaitaan is the third when this happens. You have made mistakes but you can right them but cutting contact and doing things the Islamic way. Any meetings should be with a third party present, preferably your mahram. So the sooner you get the parents involved the better! By this stage chances are the situation has changed- as Im aware the post was published a while back - InshaAllah for the better.

    As for the istikhaarah - please see the link sister z has posted. I dont know what, if anything the dream means. But istikhaarah is not about dream interpretation, it is about a feeling.

    Sister Z sums it up perfectly:
    "Both of you speak to your parents about it so they can proceed the matter. Hopefully your parents will do your nikah soon, but until they do, keep your distance from each other"

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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