When a man converts to Islam just to marry a Muslim woman, is it valid?
I am still struggling with my husband a little bit. He is doing his duties as a Muslim, prays and fasted Ramadan. I don't expect him to be a perfect Muslim, no one is and we all have struggles and make mistakes. I pray to Allah every prayer to plant the faith in his heart and push him in the direction of seeking knowledge, however, I feel that it hasn't worked yet..still have faith that it will. He is doing what he needs to do, prays, doesn't drink or eat pork, we paid zakat with no problems.
I just wish that he believed that it was the right thing to do in his heart and I want this not only for his peace of mind, but for mine too, I know that sounds selfish. I still fear that this will be held against me and I will be punished for it on the Day of Judgement, since my husband hung on to Islam to marry me. Perhaps I shouldn't have gone through with it once I knew that, but Allah help me, I love him dearly and after Istekhara, everything went smoothly and it was evident that he was my naseeb. I want him to find that inner peace. I urged him to pray Laylat el Qader, for anything he may want and assured him the Allah will listen, just like what happened with the author you interviewed, but he went to bed and I stayed up to pray and read Qur'an alone.
I can't force him, I know that, I just wish I knew of a way he would accept, a way that would be a wake up call. He has the attitude of if he misses a prayer, it is okay to postpone the next one so he can do them together. I tell him that he can't do that, that each prayer has a time and even if for some reason he misses one, he should be rushing to make up for it before the next one is up, not see it as more convenient to do them all together. Tonight he prayed Maghrib barely before Isha' because he was out, and while he was in there he prayed Isha' too but it wasn't time yet. I told him it wasn't time, his response was "I'm sure Allah will forgive a few minutes, I thought it was time". I didn't know what to say except to repeat that each prayer should be done on time, he kind of got irritated.
I am at a point where he does what he needs to do with an occasional push from me, but lacks the belief that Islam is the true path. Allah help me, I feel so guilty and frustrated, I am afraid that because he reverted to Islam because of me, that I will be the one to be punished because he did not believe...I don't know if this is true..may Allah forgive me if it is.
We are working on getting help and in contact with Islamic guides and we're taking it slow..he did declare his Islam and said the shahadateyn with two witnesses and in front of a Shari'a judge and we got married the Islamic way. My question is:
Since he reverted completely just to marry me and doesn't have the belief in Allah completely yet..is his Islam conversion valid? Is our marriage valid?
-Dana79
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Dana,
I find your post interesting. You say that your husband just converted for the sake of marriage, and you question the marriage's validity because of that.
But what I see, is a man who is taking steps towards practicing Islam. Usuaally when someone converts for the sake of marriage, it is in name only and after the wedding life continues as usual for that person. I can't say the same for your husband.
For someone who converted just for you, it is commendable that he tries to pray his daily salaat. Yes, it would be nice if he was as steadfast as you, but Dana not everyone is a perfect muslim. I certainly am not, but I would never deny that I am a muslim.
Can I suggest something to you? Not everyone will agree with me on this, but here goes. Don't sweat the small stuff. That's right. For example, I know very few people who stay up and pray on Laylatul Qadr. I stay up, and so does my mother, but that's about it - my brothers don't and never have, nor do my friends. Similarly, there is some schools of thought that say you can pray Isha an hour after maghreb - so perhaps what your husband did was not incorrect, and I am certain that Allah will forgive us if we pray a few minutes early or late.
I hope this advice helps. I know there will be others who will write to you and tell you that you should be more strict with your husband and you should question the validity of your marriage. I am not that person. I see a marriage that is likely attracting much barakat! You husband is trying, sister. There is a saying...I don't know the exact words...but it is something like, if a man loves you he will seek God through you. So this man converted because he loves you. But Dana, he also made a commitment to love God. YOU brought that into his life. There are huge blessings on you for that, but, even bigger blessings on him.
Maryam,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
This is difficult because there are two possibilities
a) you're being too pushy and enforcing practice on him as he accomodates himself and rationalizes or at least accomodates the belief and intention behind the practice/ritual; that is to say does he see things like prayer as an empty ritual to do whenever for your satisfaction, or on time to remember Allah SWT
I kind of see where Maryam is coming from(had he just converted for you I think he really would not have continued his practice after converting), also look at your own 'Muslim' community and I don't think they even perform a lot of the rituals he performs. I also see where you're coming from. But then again maybe he sees how important it is for YOU, his spouse, that he does it for your satisfaction more than ALLAH SWT
b) he really doesn't believe (assuming you have genuine reason to doubt him) and only converted for you. If this is the case and you both don't have children, then personally I would always take the path of less risk and end it here.
It's difficult to say just because you say he converted for marriage but then you don't go into detail on how you meet (ie in a haram way or was he at the mosque as an unsure potential revert and why you think he only converted for you) and maybe what his intention might have been.
I'm not sure this would make a strong case for talaqq unless you can offer more evidence for his intention, something you as even his spouse, seem not to be able to judge. Please provide more details esepecially about his intentions.
Talk to him
The reason I said end it here in b, is because if this is a problem in a new marriage, imagine twenty thirty years down the line when, as a father figure, he has to lead her children in prayers or fasting, but adamantly refuses to do so. This could be extremely difficult in raising one's children. Something to also think about and why I prefer staying on the side of caution with seperation. I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this one, from a traditional sense.
So the reason I brought up fasting was because I am watching a MTV True Life Documentary on an Interfaith Marriage between a Christian woman and a Jewish man. The Christian woman goes to a Church that celebrates all the Jewish holidays to help with the relatsionship, but the Jewish man is adament about bring up the kids Jewish, despite the wife being the only one who fasts on Yom Kippur!
I think this is the potential risk when a partner doesn't have imaan.
if she leaves the love of her life. because he is trying hard., but she is unsure, do you know of a muslim man that would marry her? people speak so down of those women who are divorced and any muslim would know that a divorced woman is the most talked about...
I honestly think that if he is trying so hard and praying, not eating pork. or drinking is amazing. It is not easy to make praying a part of ones busy schedule, but it is good that he is trying hard.
The issue of where they met and was it in a "haram way" is irrelevant at this point.
They are married.
The issue is, are Dana's concerns legitimate enough for her to question her marriage.
At the end of the day, Dana, only you know the extent to which your husband is committed to being in an Islamic marriage. No one here can answer that for you.
Pretty much. I only asked because I think the OP intentionally left out information which may have helped us garner her husband's intention. I think more than an Islamic marriage, the underlying issue, which is your husband's practice of Islam, is only something you can garner.
Dana, your husband sounds like he is a better Muslim than many of the so-called "born Muslims" that I know, some of whom don't pray at all, or pray Jumah only. What right do you have to question the sincerity of his conversion and faith, or that of any other Muslim? Who appointed you to be the judge of other's faith?
The Messenger of Allah (sal-Allahu alayhi wa-sallam) said that we are a nation who takes what is apparent. That means if we see a person declaring the shahadah and praying, we accept that person as Muslim. We don't question what is in their heart, or the degree of their faith.
If you feel your husband is not religious enough, that's another matter that has nothing to do with the validity of your husband's conversion or the validity of your marriage. That is more an issue of compatibility. My suggestion is that since your husband has come so far already, be patient with him. Don't keep haranguing him or you're going to end up driving him away. No man likes to be nagged.
Let him grow into faith at his own pace, and let him practice Islam in a way that is comfortable for him. Don't be so pushy and judgmental. Be a loving and kind wife, set a good example of faith, and that's it.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I think i made an attempt to answer a similar question posted sometimes ago. . . . . Wael is right by saying u shld let him grow in faith at his own pace, but whilst doing this, u shld'nt also relent in u effort of showing him d truth of d religion. U shld always remind of d salah once it is time and other good deeds that Allah has ordained, THIS is ur duty as his wife and Allah will ask u if u dont do it.. . Another thing is that u shld do d da'awah and d preaching with hikmah so that he shld'nt get irritated or disgust with what u are saying
On the Day of Judgement, no one will be answerable for another's actions
Am not saying she will take d burden of his sins of not praying. But Allah will question her as to why didnt she do her own part in showing him d truth whilst been so close to him as his wife
Huh Trueblood, is it that there is no mosque close to u that u dont here d call for prayer or what.. But you seem to be very responsible person, even for u taking ur time and coming to this site to perticepate in answering peoples problems shows that u really have a great concern and zeal for d religion.. . . . Dont u know d consequences of missing d 5 prayers?? At least u should be d one to advice people on praying 5 times a day since u are being borned and raised up a muslim... U dont ve any excuse my dear friend, at least u suppose to be indoctrinated with this beautifull religion since u are raised up with it unlike reverts that would force themselves to leave there social wag life and embrace d ethics and code of islam. Is not easy to make such a u-turn... From not praying to praying 5 time a day, from social drunker to a tee-total, from a party rider to a responsible person, etc etc.... Pls trueblood make serious ur prayers from today before ur death come., and may i ask u, are u a male or a female?? are u leaving in an area where there are little or no muslims?? Pls i need ur reply asap
Well thanku
Im a male
Secondly , i live in a muslim dominated area there are plenty of mosque around here the nearst one is in our building compound next 2 my house
Mosque is not the problem
Problem is despite of hearing the call for pray i dont go
All my friends are muslim , but they also r not strict
Although im a born muslim , but u can say im just a muslim for namesake
I know leaving a single pray is a very great sin , but i cant really help
Islamically im lost means really lost
I do pray 5times but only in the month of ramzan which ever person does
Sometime i think im the worst muslim in the world
Are u residing in jordan, lebanon or indonesia or malasia??? Pls my dear brother, this is a very serious issue. U ve to make serious ur 5 prayers not least, so that u will save ur self from d punishment of d grave and from d turment of d hell fire in d hereafter... U dont know when death will come to u., it may be now in this very minute, it may be tomorrow, it may be few years to come and no one knows... U may be in a car and there will be accident that will lead to ur death, u may be crossing a road and a car will hit u whilst u dont know and it may instantly lead to ur death, i know of instances where a people slept in a sound and healthy condition but alas during d next morning all of them where dead. This often happens frequently and u wonder what is killing such people. ... Brother u know d heat and pain of hell fire is 70 times d fire of this world,. i want u to imagine a fire out break in an industry or a house, can u dear enter into such fire for just 30 minutes?? U cant even endure d pain for 5 seconds, not alone d fire of hereafter and u know u can never escape Allah... True blood u have to be serious with ur prayers for ur own sake. I know its not as easy but in ur own case u dont ve any excuse... Just if d time for d prayer comes, make up ur mind, beat up ur hearth and defeat d devil, force ur self to go and pray and also ask Allah to help u in ur course... And sorry , are u a married man with kids or are still an ummarried school student??
Salam sister
Reading your post even when your husband is a revert he try to pray daily 5times
Not like me im a born muslim n i only pray the friday salah n that it
I dnt knw how many times i have heard the call for pray and never answered it
Your husband although a convert is a better muslim than most of the born muslim including very much me
@ Sr. Dana
You are being too harsh on him - that will drive him away from you AND from Islam. Let go - don't sweat the small stuff; no one likes being nagged; step in his shoes and try to see how would you feel if he were to criticise you for not floowing Islam the way you want him to for your satisfaction? There is no comulsion in religion as says Allah SWT Himself in the Quran - lead by example - if he sees you doing it (and pray to Allah to bring him closer day by day and step by step to islam) he will do it (just like you lead children by example). You are not answerable to Allah for his level of sincerity to Him! He is better than many "born" muslims who are clueless as to their relationship with Allah SWT
salam,
i have the same problem, i live with a man who is not convert muslim, he has a dog and
since i wear hijab i dont' feel confortable driving around with a dog in the car. He says that he is not
christian and i am really attached to him. what do i do to get out of this???? i know i am the worst
muslim woman out there but i sake forgiveness from Allah and prayers from my fellow muslim
i really need to step up and do something about it, i am only 20 years of age and he's twice mine.
he first tricked me that he will convert and he never! by the time clicking i realized that i am wasting time
and
Sister,
You know what the problem is. Do the right thing even though its so difficult. Leave this haraam relationship for the sake of Allah.
If you want further advice, please log in and submit your question as a separate post, thank you.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Mimi sister,
Leave this man. Dont focus or waste your precious time with him. Your relationship is not halal. Please terminate all contacts with this non-muslim and never ever forget he played around with your trust! He tricked you sister! Don.t put your foot towards his direction. Get back on track and turn back to Allah! Make repentence to Allah for disobying His command. Marry a faithful MUSLIM man only- inshaAllah,will be best for you in this life and most importantly in the hereafter! Break all contacts with this unfaithful, untrustworthy and kuffar man. Even if he says sorry and he will try his best to become muslim, you should stay firm with your decision and don't accept his apology. Sister, please turn to Allah. Allah loves those who turns to Him and asks for forgivness sincerely and never turns back to the sin again.
May Allah (swt) guide you to straight path only.
Parveen
,
Sr. Parveen
It is easy for you to label this man "unfaithful, untrustworthy and kuffar man" but don't forget, it takes 2 hands to clap - she is equally guilty of living with him and letting him have the most precious part of herself willingly.
He only took what she WILLINGLY gave him.
Had she not given him her body, he would not have any reason for him to be called all these names.
Think about it with a cool head!
You cannot be with this man. Your relationship with him is haraam because in islam, a muslim woman cannot marry a non muslim man be he a jew or christian or athiest or anything except he is a muslim. . In fact he has to convert to islam before you even think of marrying him.