Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why can’t I move on from this?

just_broken_heart_01large

I wrote here before about my experience with a guy last may. I never stopped trying to find out why he really left me coz he gave me different reasons like he will work abroad and then he will study abroad and now it ended up he said that his parents disapprove of me.

I can't stop thinking or figuring out what is wrong with me, I really have very low self esteem already and because of what happened I felt like I really don't matter living anymore if there are people will judge me because of my background, my race, my work since I am just a waitress.

I swallowed my pride and gave him solutions to solve the issue but he really insisted there is no solution anymore. I really felt the real reason he is leaving me is he felt out of love but I just can't accept it.

I am having hard time. Ramadan came, I still don't give up on him. It came to a point that he told me I am bothering him and annoying him so he blocked me on whatsapp, facebook and skype. He even told me if I will not stop texting him he will... but he never finishes his sentence but I know what he means is maybe call the police.

I am really hurt that time. I always make du'a. That time I can't pray because of my period but I have read that you can make du'a when you hear adhan and that's what I did. I always ask Allah (swt) to let this guy talk to me and forgive me for what I did.

The start of the last 1o days of ramadan, he called me, he asked for forgiveness as well, he was very calm when he talked to me. I told him too that it was just expressing my feelings and I am having hard time to let go. He told me to forget the marriage that he told me last year, I said yes, I am ok and doesn't cry anymore.

But now after eid I still feel sad and depressed, all what happened are coming back to me and I have this feeling again that I can't move on and I am hurting again, I have these thoughts that I am unworthy. I am living here in this country for work and I am staying and living in our company accommodation and most of the time I am alone if my flat mates are on duty so I always feel alone.

I don't know what is wrong with me and as I am writing this I am crying. I just came from the masjid for isha and I want to ask Allah to help me stop these negative thoughts and feelings. I don't know if it just me really that I am not helping myself move on or a jinn is bothering me and putting those negative thoughts and feelings on me.

I even have this thought that Allah (swt) is not helping me because I am Haram. I am a product of mistake since my parents are not married and I was born. My father was a drug addict and my mother used to work as a prostitute in my home country and I was born out of wedlock.

I know I will face God alone on judgement day but those thoughts that there are people who doesn't like me -- it hurts me. I feel like I don't have purpose living here like God didn't really created me for a purpose. Even in my workplace if I received a complaint on my work it creates a big impact on me already negatively that I am not good enough with my profession.

I never missed my prayers even if I never wake up for fajr I make sure I get up before noon for fajr. I attended taraweeh and witr in our local masjid and even the eid prayer. Those are my first time to do and I really meant to get close to Allah(swt) but these negative thoughts and feelings are just so strong.

I just hope this to end. I really want to get over this. I missed being happy and contented. I really want to know why I am being like this!

sheiszahra


Tagged as: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

5 Responses »

  1. Salaam Sister Zahra,

    You are not haram, the reason for how you were born was not in your hands. So you are not to blame. You will be questioned on the Day of Judgement about how you lived your life and not how you were born.

    Living your life is in your hands, being born out of wedlock was not in your hands.

    So stop blaming your destiny and have courage and face the difficulties in life.

    The guy you were having relationship with was not interested to marry you. He just used you and left you when it was appropriate for him. He didn't care about your feelings. Stop thinking about such a cruel guy and thank ALLAH that HE saved you from this horrible guy.

    Keep steadfast on deen, learn and practice more about Islam.

    Inshallah you will get a wonderful husband in the future who knows how to value your companionship.

    May Allah give you peace.

  2. I totally agree with Mr Asif You are not Haram sister it was not in your hands that how you were born and to whom and it will not be questioned the thing that is gonna be questioned is that how your gonna live your life Leave that Filthy person you had a relationship he is just using you and start a new life

  3. Asalamu likum,

    its hard to be leave someone, we are very attached humans.

    But sister, know this- this is why Allah warns us againt even getting close to Zina and relationships with men. This is excatly why. Because you end up a soppy sad mess when that person has played with you, and leaves you.

    Take time to feel sad, but also do something meanigful with your life! please go out, get a job, study, take a course, learn something new. sitting there and feeling sad and sorry for yourself wont help.

    What is your purpose in life dear? think about that, think about your end your after life and do good. Keep busy - i mean really reallyt busy, because it sounds like you have too much time to think and feel sorry for yourself.

    Thats what i suggest, keep busy sister, make dua, and use your time purpousfully rather than waste it thinking about someone who couldnt care about you.

  4. Dear sister,

    You are of value and your not haram, from what am reading your a pious woman and inshallah the right person will come along.... I have been in your situation and I understand your pain. The first thing you need to do is cut all contacts with him, go on 'no contact' for as long as you have to , to be able to move on and heal your soul.

    Yasmins Mogahed's videos on attachement and healing a broken heart will really help you. We are to love Allah unconditionally not his creation. Her videos will heal you sister, so make time to listen to her and Mufti Menks video on relationships.

    Don't humiliate yourself by contacting him, respect yourself sister and learn from your past. Believe me sister, I know how it hurts, and it will hurt for days .Someday you cant even eat food just from the pain. First thing you need to do is CUT all contacts and communication. I am currently on day 22 on NO CONTACT and everyday I don't talk to him or text I tick my calendar... I never want to go back to that.

    Sister, let this be a lesson for you and all of us to stay away from inappropriate relationships, because they destroy your soul as a woman. Stay strong and next time you will be so much wiser, Zina is not worth it, not worth your soul and heart.

  5. I know the feeling sis except in my case it's my husband, I love him to bits but he's so harsh and cold towards me. I find feeling this way is usually a consequence of low self esteem. I agree with breaking contact, which will make things a little easier but ultimately you need to work on yourself and try to figure out what's causes you such low self esteem and then work on that. also keep busy, and distract your mind. Find new hobbies and build up your life in other areas so that you feel happier. In my case for example, despite feeling compeltly broken, I'm diverting all my energy into my career, it's keeping me busy, I'm earning money, and i feel successful knowing im achieving something -'this makes it a little bit easier I guess. In terms of my self esteem, my husband cheated on me, so it led me to believe I wasn't good enough for him, and that I was ugly - this of course wasn't true , but I have to keep reminding myself and I've started to attempt to rebuild my confidence. It will take time, but right now your focus should be you, not him. Work on yourself, and InshaAllah all else will fall into place.

Leave a Response