Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why has my Muslim man not contacted me?

Why hasn't he contacted me?

Why hasn't he contacted me?

Hello - Firstly I may be 'naïve' to start with, but that's who I am, not intentionally th0ugh!

I would like someone, if possible,  to maybe give me some advice as to 'why' the man I have been contacting for the last 6 months hasn't written or skyped for about a week or more?

Sorry, I know that seems strange but to explain it a bit further, here goes!!

I have been Skyping  a lovely man from Amman, Jordan for the last 6 months. I live in Australia, so that's a problem in itself!!  We get along very well and we both seem to have the same interests and are very honest with each other, so far, anyway!!  He is 63 with 3 grown-up children and I have 2 of my own. He is also retired, but, he is also very busy, despite that.

Yes, he is very aware that it is Haram to do anything like that - although I wasn't aware of it until he told me. He contacted me first via a Penpal Website. I, at first, was not interested at all in any kind of 'romance' or 'relationship'.

We started writing to each other and we found we really liked each other. We got along well and seemed to have the same values and interests. The fact that he is Muslim didn't mean much to me at the time. In fact, I find very endearing that some is that devoted to Islam and prays 5 times a day. Even more during Ramadan - although we did not contact each other at all during that time. I just missed him so much!!

He went on a 3 week holiday on the 12th September, 2014, and was only there for around 3 weeks - this I'm positive about!!  He has, I think, been home for at least a week or more since then and has not contacted me at all, either via Skype or email.

We had no argument prior to his leaving on holidays. I told him to "take care" while he was away and he told me "not to worry".  I can't understand 'why' he has not contacted me since coming home. I'm dumbfounded really!!  I do realise he is busy, too, and could just be 'catching up' with his family  and friends.  I have no worries about that as family is very important to Muslims. I'm busy, too, but at least I make time to email them to say "hello!"

He also said prior to his leaving that because of the way he contacted me, it was very complicated for him, which I understand. But, he has 'not' told his family about me, and that is what worries me the most!!  I won't be someone's 'secret', no matter how much I love them!! Although he has said he would marry me as he has asked me twice "if I would consider him as a husband".  My answer has always been "yes", but it must be out in the open, so to speak!! He seemed happy with that. I have just finished reading the Qur'an and am more than happy to convert to Islam, if necessary. No, not 'just' for the sake of marriage either. That would not be fair!!  I really enjoyed reading it very much to be honest!!

He has also said that he will not marry another Muslim woman. The reason? He was honest with me and said she left because he wanted too much Sex and she didn't. So she left and now lives in the U.S.A. They are both divorced - so he says, anyway. Yes, I do know that he may see her whenever he wants to. I do know that they can remarry, only after she has married someone else and divorced them first.  Please correct me if I am wrong with that!  After all, they do 'share' 3 children between them.  I am happy to live with that, if necessary. He only wants 1 'wife' at a time and doesn't believe in the Polygamy side of being a Muslim.

How long do you think I should 'wait' before he doesn't contact me to give up on him?

I have sent him numerous Skype messages but he has not logged-in to there since he left on holidays 4 weeks ago.  He has not replied to my email messages either. I just want to know what's going on - if we are still together or whether I need to 'move on' and find someone else in my life. I was ready to move to Amman, if I had to. But, he also knew that that would not be for awhile as I did not have the money to do so, as yet.

Please, any feedback or thoughts would be very much appreciated - whether 'positive' or 'negative'.

Sorry if my letter is a tad 'long-winded' but I needed to explain it in full.

Cheers


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16 Responses »

  1. OP: He has also said that he will not marry another Muslim woman. The reason? He was honest with me and said she left because he wanted too much Sex and she didn't

    A 63 year old Muslim man's wife left him because he wanted too much sex. Is sex the reason this man does not want to marry any Muslim woman?

  2. Dear Firefly,

    Your story is strikingly similar to something I read on another post on this site (though I can't find it now). The person also mentioned an online relationship to a man who didn't want to marry a Muslim woman either and that he was divorced. Anyways, even if it is the same person or a different person, I suppose my point is that this isn't all too uncommon that people go on the internet to escape from the realities of their life. Escapism is a temporary technique and it often involves many lies. There isn't any way of you finding out how much of what this person said was true.

    As for the two of you getting along, I know that it sounds like a great feeling to feel compatible with someone, but the truth is that we are compatible with many people. I do think that, as you said, you are being naive to think that you and him are somehow more compatible than any other two people--and even if that theory may seem fitting--it hasn't been tested and proved. Compatibility is just a potential possibility until real life, like finances, living arrangements, household chores, don't enter the equation--this really stinks up that fake sweeping feeling--meeting for just a while, in your free time, to relax, talk and have fun, isn't going to determine if the both of you really do make a couple.

    This Muslim man isn't any different than any other Muslim man. Recently, someone asked me if Muslims can date--and when I responded with no, the answer back was, "I know of some Muslims who do." Of course there are. There are Muslims who do things that are right and wrong, like everyone else. There are Muslims who drink, or go to clubs, or date or fail on a promise--just like there are Christians, Jews, Hindus, Sikhs, Buddhists, etc etc, who do those things too.

    As for moving on, I don't think you should even look back. This idea of moving to Amman for this unknown man is a huge risk--He could be a criminal, he could be a wonderful man--but, either way, you don't know. Muslim or not, waiting for this man who is on "holidays" is a bad idea and I suggest that since your interest in Islam has peeked, seek more knowledge in the community you live in. Talk to some sisters and you will learn that the relationship you were involved in was wrong--even if none of your talk was sexual--talking alone privately with him was unacceptable in Islam and he KNOWS it.

    I hope your question is answered. May Allah ease your difficulties and help you on this journey, Ameen.

    • To Saba,

      Thank you for your advice to my question.

      I'm well aware that all men are basically the same in reality!! Makes no difference 'what' 'race or 'religion' they claim to be.

      As for me moving to Amman at the 'drop of a hat' - that will not happen any time soon!!
      When, and if, I do visit Amman, my Son will travel with me as he will not allow me to travel by myself. I will appreciate his support very much!! If, we do decide to meet, eventually, it will be in a 'public' place, not private!! You have to start somewhere!!

      All relationships, no matter who they are with, are a 'risk'.

      As you will see from my reply to SVS: he has since returned from his holiday which had to be extended because of his son who recently moved to the U.S. His son moved to San Francisco.

      There has to be a certain amount of 'trust' in any relationship - that being said, I m certainly not moving anywhere in a hurry - not until I am, and my family, are 200 percent positive that he 'is' legitimate!!

      Your 'input' nonetheless, is very much appreciated!!

      Cheers,

      firefly

      • Everything is a risk. Opening the front door and walking out is a risk--but not ask risky as walking on the road in the middle of traffic. Some activity, I think you will agree, is more risky than other things.

        Anyways, since you asked the question here, about your Muslim bf, I thought I would address that since you appear to not know much about what you are getting yourself into. If you peruse the stories here, you will find questions from women, Muslim and not, who feel they were misled by Muslim men.

        Be aware that at any point, this man could suddenly decide to not pursue a relationship with you because he feels drawn towards following his religion and not dating--he may end up offering no explanation, no matter what he says to you now.

        I don't mean to offend you, but I find it very difficult to digest when a person asks for advice, especially about a situation similar to yours, but then defends it. You are being too trusting with this man, who you are willing to trust enough with your life if you move (or visit) to Amman. I don't think that is just naive--I think it is, for the lack of a better word, unwise! Also, you have bought his story about his wife and not wanting intimacy--as IF that has something to do with being Muslim. If you do a little bit of research, there are plenty of non-Muslim women who may not want or do no desire intimacy--because of health reasons or emotional reasons--Intimacy is complicated. By the way, intimacy is extremely easy at the beginning of a relationship when hormones are the driving force, but later, over years and in this case, many years of a relationship, intimacy MAY require work!

        You have decided to believe everything that he has to say--including he didn't meet his ex-wife/wife--I think it was important to throw this information out and for something for you to think about. Not because I want to be right or to hurt you, but instead to warn you that deciding to trust someone blindly especially from afar, doesn't actually make them trustworthy (or a liar) - it is just very high risk.

        Take care and all the best.

        • Saba,

          No matter 'what' or 'how' I say something on here it is going to be taken the 'wrong' way anyway!!

          Firstly, Yes, I did say their relationship ended because she stopped wanting intimacy - but I did not say it had anything to do with being Muslim!! That can happen in any relationship. I only stated that was 'why' it ended. I didn't feel it was my business to ask anything further.

          Secondly, I'm not 'blindly' believing whatever comes out of his mouth as you seem to think!! I'm undertaking a 'background' check on him at present - which isn't hard to do either, if you know how to do it correctly. It is a very thorough check as well.

          I do appreciate your concern though. I have no intention of moving anywhere at present or in the near future either. Give me at least some intelligence!!

          If, at any time, I do find that I am being lied to or misled - I will, without any question, drop him 'like a ton of bricks' as we say here.

          Yes, I have read the numerous stories on here with regard to women being misled and lied to by Muslim and non Muslim men, too. It happens to all walks of life.

          I am certainly looking after myself - despite what you my think of me.

          Cheers,

          • I am certainly looking after myself - despite what you my think of me.

            Dear Firefly,

            I don't think negatively of you.

            I only offered my opinion in light of a Muslim way of thinking because you posted it on this site.

            If you want to hear that everything will be ok and that this is normal, I'm afraid that you will not hear that here.

            You have written:
            "I would like someone, if possible, to maybe give me some advice as to 'why' the man I have been contacting for the last 6 months hasn't written or skyped for about a week or more?"

            A person in my family (in his 60s) had strung along many women, married, divorced, single in online relationships and all of them 'trusted' and 'believed' him word for word and, like the man you know, he prayed five times a day - but he was engaging in the relationships and was not serious, but led the women to believe he was. I can't stop thinking how similar you sound to those women. Anyways, it was my sincere effort to share with you things I thought would help you. Clearly, I was in the wrong.

            All the best to you.

  3. You want advice as to why he has not contacted you again.

    I think you want us to tell you why. My thoughts: he's not interested in you any more.

    You don't really know him, so don't read too much into his disappearance. There are a lot of men online who are open to a Skype relationship.

  4. Hello,

    In response to SVS who asks: OP: "Is sex the reason this man does not want to marry any Muslim woman?" The answer to that is an emphatic "NO!" There were other reasons for his wife to leave the marital home. They have been divorced for over 8 years. I have been divorced for the same amount of time and single for 11 years.

    I'm only conveying what he has told me: Sex was only part of it - but as he has stated, she was not interested in sex full stop!! It was 'gradual', over a period of months with her, he said.

    He has also told me that she stopped reading the Qu'ran daily, she stopped her daily prayers as well. She lost her faith in Islam. He offered to take her to their local Mosque to maybe try and discuss it with their Imam. She refused. She just wanted 'out of the marriage'. Maybe it 'pained' him too much to see her lose her faith and that's why he doesn't want another Muslim woman. It's not for me to 'question' him about it either!!

    The point is: "I trust him totally!!" Marriages break up for a number of reasons. Hopefully people 'learn' from their first marriage.

    Since writing this letter - which has been over 2 weeks or more - and has only just been published here, he has returned home from his trip to the U.S. and told me he had to extend his holiday by an extra 3 weeks. No, he did not, at any time, see his ex-wife while there. It had to do with his eldest son who recently moved to the U.S.

    Please don't judge him by what is written here. If, at some time, we do decide to marry, yes, it will be a mixed marriage. If we are prepared to put the 'effort' in to making it work - then we will do our best to make it work for both of us. He is a 'good', kind' gentle, man and I know him better than anyone who judges him here.

    Cheers,

    firefly

    • Are you the same person who posted here and said she was having a cyber-sex relationship with an elderly man from Amman? Sorry to put it so bluntly, but your story sounds familiar, and I'd like to make sure you are the same person.

      • To 'A',

        In reply to your question. "Yes", I'm the same person. With one difference now - since his return from the U.S. I have told him that there will be no cybersex at all from now on. That is nearly a month ago. But, it did make him sit back and think out his actions though.

        It did take him by surprise - but he was told at least one of us will be going by the rules!! I will not 'back down, either!!

        What happened between himself and his wife was over 8 years ago now and in his past. They have both gone their 'separate' ways with their lives. He was very concerned about his wife back then and tried to help her. You can't help someone who refuses help!!

        He is still a very caring and religious man, despite what you may think of him here!!

        Cheers

        • Firefly: With one difference now - since his return from the U.S. I have told him that there will be no cybersex at all from now on.

          That may be the reason he stopped.

  5. Firefly: He has also told me that she stopped reading the Qu'ran daily, she stopped her daily prayers as well. She lost her faith in Islam. He offered to take her to their local Mosque to maybe try and discuss it with their Imam. She refused. She just wanted 'out of the marriage'. Maybe it 'pained' him too much to see her lose her faith and that's why he doesn't want another Muslim woman. It's not for me to 'question' him about it either!!

    Is this the same guy "who does cybersex with you on skype"? He seems to be very religious, very much concerned about his wife not reading Quran and doing daily prayers. He even offered to take his wife to local mosque.

  6. I don" t mean to sound harsh or funny, I found it pretty funny when you said he doesn't want to marry a muslim women anymore because they don't like to much sex!!! Geez even at 64 years old talk this way how sad is this, is like he is in it for sex what a shame lol!!!

    • To Iraqigirl,

      I didn't say he didn't want to marry other Muslim women because of sex!!! That would be pretty pathetic!! For whatever reason - that is 'his' decision to make - not mine or yours!!

      The fact that you seemed to think it funny - no matter what his reasons are - is fairly immature on your behalf also!! So typical of young girls attitudes these days!!

  7. To Saba,

    I wasn't trying to appear 'ungrateful' at all. Thankyou for letting me know about your own family member who was leading women along also. That was probably hard for you to do, too.

    Time will tell I suppose in my case. Rest assured, if he is 'leading' me and other women along, he will 'stuff-up' somewhere along the line and will be caught out!!

    You certainly weren't 'wrong' in trying to warn me at all!! It is very much appreciated indeed.

    It's just hard to 'know' these days who are 'genuine' and 'who' are fraudsters especially when living thousands of miles apart!!

    What I don't understand is 'how' they can live with themselves 'knowing' what they are doing is wrong!!

    I'm very sorry that you had to deal with it with one of your own family members.

    Thank you again.

    firefly

  8. I do feel sorry for you. I honestly think this man is lonely and wanted to just spend time with someone. I really don't think you should waste your time with him he don't seem interested. Something may have happened and that could be the fact he only know. But I do honestly think this man was wasting your time and may have used your feelings without considering your feelings in the process. May you find the courage to move on from this and leave him to it. Your deserve better.

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