Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Why is our love forbidden?

forbidden love %photo

Forbidden love

My name is Yara, I am a 26-year-old Egyptian girl who has been with a European man for almost 3 years. I love him so much and we belong together. He is not a Muslim but he is a good person and he loves me like no one else ever has.

I love my religion but I don't understand how our love can be looked upon as a sin! My father is completely against the relationship of course, but I don't understand what I am supposed to do. I will not end my relationship and I don't believe I should turn my back on true love just because we don't share the same religion.

We are living in 2009, not the middle ages- would it better that I end this and marry some random Arab man who I don't really love but that is Muslim, when instead I could have true love with my soulmate?! Help me.


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23 Responses »

  1. Asalaamualaikum,

    My dear sister...Islam is a religion for everything and everyone for all times...regardless of whether it is 2009 or not.

    As a Muslim, our love for Allah should be the top most priority. Everything else comes after that...

    There is wisdom behind Allah's limits, wisdom that may not be apparent to us as mere humans...but we can try our best to understand by studying the Quran and authentic Sunnah.

    How much of a practical role does Islam play in your life? If you want Islam to be the centre piece of your life, then automatically you will want your potential spouse to be a practising and kind natured Muslim.

    Have you considered maybe asking your male friend to look into Islam with the hope that he may revert?

  2. asalamu alaikum,

    in islam it is forbidden for a muslim women to marry a non muslim man, but at the end of the day its upto you if you wanna commit a sin, why dont you tell your man to revert to islam? its your decision marrying him will not harm me nor benefit me so hope things work out inshallah

    ma salama

  3. asalamu alaikum

    If you love a non-muslim man enough to stay married to him even though allah (swt) has forbidden it to you, you will be transgressing.The prophet himself said that he and Allah (swt) must be closer to you than your ownself or you won't enter jannah. You say you love your religion but by taking this man in marriage your saying you take him over islam. Divorcing him immediatly would be best. I suggest finding a righteous pious man who believs in islam and does good deeds and that helps you abstain from evil and encourages good. Surely if you find a man like that you will fall in love easily. I hope by the middle ages your not talking about the time of the prophet because whether it be back then or a century from now innovations will not be excepted and what the people back then practiced and what they do now will be the same, so you marry a muslim man as the muslims did 1400 yrs ago.You should read the quran and the sunnah if not daily but weekly to build up your belief in Allah the most gracious the most high.

  4. Dear Sister,

    I know from now that many people would not like my answer. But at the end of the day is just my opinion not a rule....
    I am a converted muslim, married to a muslim man. We live in Europe, he is from Pakistan and myself I am European. Before to convert to islam, I red a lot and talk to many religious people to understand the philosophy, mentality and the religion.

    In my research, I found that Islam is interpreted and practisise in different ways depending on the countries: the tchador, burka, second mariages... in some countries this practices are compulsory and /or tolerated, in others not... e.g.: in Tunisia, more than a marriage is forbiden...in Pakistan up to 4 and in the middle East up to 12....

    What I understood is that Islam is a religion based in the Quran which gives all the rules for living a good life. However, please do not forget, that often Quran is interpreted by Muhlas and depending where they are....their interpretation is different. Also the rules gave in Quran are adapted at the social conditions on the time when the Profet wrote it. Society has changed. And please dont forget that God is love. My personal opinion is that if your husband is a good and decent man, that he loves and respect you, it is not a sinn to be married to him. Maybe you have to discuss with him the religion of your future children that seems to be for me the ground of the rule for women not marring non-muslim men. Men can married non-muslim women because they have the authority and their children will be muslim. As I said times changed, in occident, women we have our word to say and the topic of religion for the future children you have your word to say.

    So if you are happy in your couple just discuss with your husband and try to make understand your family. Love is precious gift of Allah and we are not allowed to waste it. And I am sure Allah bess you if you are a good muslim.

    Good luck

    • I was just looking into this subject, and came upod your response. i thank you all i can, for you truly understand the meaning of life. thank you

  5. My dear sister, if you want an Islamic answer, the answer is absolutely clear in the Quran.

    1) A Muslim woman can only marry a Muslim man - 'full stop'

    and

    2) Islam is for all times - the same rules that were revealed then are the same now, thats why Prophet Muhammed (saw) was the last Messenger. So its not right to twist the rules to suit one's desires...

    If you 'want' to stay within the set boundaries of Islam, then teach Islam to your friend and ask him if he will 'sincerely' revert from his heart. Only then will he be a halaal potential spouse for you.

    Yes, it may seems harsh in comparison to sister Fatima's advice. But I do believe you were looking for an Islamic answer, not a personal one. Ask Allah to strengthen your eemaan and to guide your friend to the truth...

    "Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous. (Al-Qur'an 25:74)"

    May Allah guide and bestow upon us all strong eemaan...Aameen

    Sister Z
    xxx

  6. i can imagine how difficult this is for you.i am in similar shoes in the reverse order

    nothing can be well said than what has been said unto you

    earlier commentators(who spoke against it) have not spoken out of their freewill, not out of desire to see u heart broken but in tandem with the dicctates of Allah. and CERTAINLY not out of crudity of belief.islam is a religion of all time

    Verily, there are things we consider good for us and they may not be.please find consolation in the fact that you will be obeying Allah and putting him first when you decide not to marry him, lest he sincerely becomes a muslim.

    May Allah make it easy for you

  7. Asalaamualaikum Afeez...

    Thank you for your comment...what you say is very true. I know the sister is in a very difficult situation...may Allah make it easy for her.

  8. Yara,

    Let your heart be your guide. I'm a non-Muslim male in love with a Muslim woman. I'm not about to have some human being tell me -- another human being -- what God intends. How they seemed to gain access to the mind of God, I'll never know, but they sure do love to tell other people how wrong they are, and how profane their love is, when it's not what exactly how they believe.

    No doubt there will be with the man you love difficulties, arguments, questions, etc. But love is fundamental, love for God -- who is love -- and love for other human beings, who are as flawed in their thinking about God as you and I are in our thinking about God.

    I hear Allah in your words and in your heart. Don't let Allah's revelation of himself to you in your relationship with your lover get drowned out by those who feel they must practice exclusion to shape their religious identity.

  9. salam and i ll be brief.. The best way for you to have him convert to Islam. You said hes very nice. If hes nice enough and love you enough he ll surely come to Islam cos that the right way. I wish you all the best and Good Luck

  10. I am a 17 year old girl. I don't have a specific religion, although I was Christened. I understand that my opinion may not matter, but i just wanted to say it anyway. And I am sorry if anything I say is offensive to others, I do not mean it that way.

    Okay, people may live through their religion and what it entails. But If you had the chance at love, wouldn't you take it? Would you let a little thing like a difference of opinion, stop you from feeling the most magical feeling in the world? From experienceing life full of happiness and excitment? I don't think you would.
    If given the choice, If others who have commented here, saying that the Quran should be the main thing in your life, where in the same situation as you, they'd probably do the same thing and ask people. It's not as easy as what they make it out to be.

    Personally, I don't think a religion should stop you from being inlove with someone and getting married, living a life with someone you care for. Lifes too short and True love is too rare, to waste.

    • Abii...true, life is too short.

      So those of us who know that at the end of this very short life, Allah/God will send us to heaven of hell according to our actions on earth, then we'll want to spend our life with someone who will help us to please Allah/God first.

      Whom we love, really all depends on what one believes their purpose in life is.

      SisterZ

  11. What I am about to write may offend some of you and for this I apologise...

    I am an Israeli jewish girl, who is in love with an Palestinian muslim. Our love has transcended and endured the most difficult realties that surround us. In this area of the world, we cannot be open about our relationship so as not to cause havoc for both our families. Conversion is not an option for either of us.

    We could not bear to be apart and our devotion to eachother could not be described in words. There are many, many couples like ours and its especially difficult as our relationship is shrouded in secrecy. We tried to separate in the past but it didnt last more than 24 hours....

    Two years ago, after I lost our baby, I knew I had to make a choice. With the help of one Jewish friend who sympathised and understood my situation, I had to tear myself away. The grief was unbearable for both of us and I am still in much pain. I dont think I will ever love anyone as much as I love him. He is beautiful in every single way and I miss him terribly, as he does me. Our deep love for eachother will be carried to the rest of our lives.

    I can only advise you that if you honestly think you have a future together, go for it. However, if you decide to separate because of religion, and only if you are sincere about your faith, do so. The pain will be unbearable but I can tell you that after 2 years I do feel better. I have tried every distraction possible and it does help, I never thought I would survive but I know I did the right thing for both of us. It is somehow possible to overcome.

    Whatever you decide I wish you strength to follow through!

    • Thank you, Tali, for sharing so personal a story.

      It reminds me of another prophet, about whom Kahlil Gibran wrote in The Prophet, who said:

      "When love beckons to you, follow him,
      Though his ways are hard and steep.
      And when his wings enfold you, yield to him,
      Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
      And when he speaks to you, believe in him,
      Though his voice may shatter your dreams
      as the north wind lays waste the garden."

      • Thank you for posting the poem....
        Our relationship could not endure the political, cultural and relgious climate that we live in but it has not stopped me from loving him desperately, as I know he loves me....

        We cannot be in touch but I think about him all the time, its very hard for us to move on, its painful but sadly love cannot conquer all.

  12. Love is very complicated and often confuses people. One thing that must be made perfectly clear is that whatever you do chose to do is what you must live with after death so please think deeply about your actions. Your father has every right to be upset with you for marrying a non-muslim man-I believe that any muslim parent would do the same in his position.
    I strongly encourage you to try and guide your friend of interest to see the truth of Islam and all it has to offer. If he does not convert then if you have married him you must devorce and if you were considering marrying him then please forget about him.
    A muslim woman CANNOT marry a non-muslim man; no matter how much you love him your love for Allah must always come first. Allah always reason for what He has asked of us-and although it may be hard to accept this now-you must have faith and trust in Him and all He has asked.
    Also, 2009 or 3010-time does not alter what Allah has asked. You must always remember that Allah is all knowing and surely had given us the rules He did as a guild which we must follow no matter which period in time we are sent to Earth.

    You may not understand clearly exactly why muslim + non-muslim relations are forbidden but keep in mind:

    1-your only purpose (and the only purpose of all that had/shall/and currently live) is to prove your loyalty to Allah and all He has asked. It's a very romantic idea to think "Life is too short" but the fact of the matter is-this "Life" is only a test-to see how strongly you follow Allah. Your true life shall start after death. Keep this in mind when you are deciding what to do.

    2-Any and all children you have are under your duty to be correctly taught the ways of Islam. A controversy in religion can cause problems here-where as your parter may wish to teach the religion he follows instead.

    3-Simple everyday life may be complicated. As you know, certain things are forbidden to eat/drink such as pork and alchocol. Your partner may wish to consume these which might temp you or any children you have to try these sorts of things. Remember-both parents influence their children!

    If this man truely does love you and all he wants is to be with you then he will understand that you will not be with him if he is not muslim. If he refuses then you seriously need to re-think how much he REALLY loves you!

  13. I understand your feelings, and I can also somewhat understand both points of view, although I must admit I don't know much about Islam (if anything I say is offensive, I really am sorry- I really don't mean it to be). But I would just like to point out something to those reviewers who say that this man doesn't really love you if he doesn't want to convert to Islam: religion is something that you should truly believe in, correct? If something doesn't conform to the way you believe, is it fair to make you change? How would those of you feel if your man told you to change your religion to prove your love? Because when it comes down to it, religion is something that affects you and only you: it is your decision. No one else should have a say in it, because at the end of the day it is you that it affects. (I suppose I should say at the end of life. ...)

  14. Hey

    ألاسلام هو الحل

  15. look sis yara u r ayoung muslim its better to use your brain instead of thinking should i marry him or not its clear now u must follow what sister z says and others as well

  16. my dear friends ...... iSlam hAs SUm LiMiTs but as a muslim i would like 2 say that in islam a relatrion between unknown men n women z prohobhited thz relation z called love in modern words so 4 it u can see this video
    http://youtu.be/uUBV4rPoL8Y

  17. well we are talking here about marrying non-muslim and why your love is forbidden???
    lets clear first what is love according to Islam:
    Islam teaches us to be truthful and realistic. Usually, we love for the sake of Allah and we hate for the sake of Allah. Islam teaches us that a male and female can build up a good relationship founded on marriage.
    We do not say love is halal or haram because it is a feeling. Maybe it is not under control. You can judge what is under control. But people who fall in love are in many episodes away from the cleansed and pure atmosphere.
    If we are speaking about the emotion which we call “love” then we are simply speaking of a feeling. What we feel toward a particular person is not of great importance, until our feeling is expressed in a particular action. Now if that action is permissible, then well and good. If it is forbidden, then we have incurred something that Allah does not approve of. If it is love between a man and a woman, the emotion itself is not the subject of questioning on the Day of Judgment. If you feel you love someone, then you cannot control your feeling. If that love prompts you to try to see that person in secret and to give expression to your feelings in actions permissible only within the bond of marriage then what you are doing is forbidden.
    (Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and an Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada.)says:"In Islam, it is not a sin if you feel a special affinity or inclination towards a certain individual since human beings have no control on such natural inclinations."
    Allaah has established marriage as the legitimate means for satisfying sexual desire, and through marriage a man and woman form a family based on the laws of Allaah, and their children are legitimate.
    When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) saw a young man merely looking at a young woman, he turned his head so as to make him look away, then he said:“I saw a young man and a young woman, and I did not trust the shaytaan not to tempt them.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (885) and classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.
    This does not mean that it is haraam for a man or woman to like a specific person whom he or she chooses to be a spouse, and feel love for that person and want to marry them if possible. Love has to do with the heart, and it may appear in a person’s heart for reasons known or unknown. But if it is because of mixing or looking or haraam conversations, then it is also haraam. If it is because of previous acquaintance, being related or because of hearing about that person, and one cannot ward it off, then there is nothing wrong with that love, so long as one adheres to the sacred limits set by Allaah.
    A person may hear that a woman is of good character and virtuous and knowledgeable, so he may want to marry her. Or a woman may hear that a man is of good character and virtuous and knowledgeable and religiously committed, so she may want to marry him. But contact between the two who admire one another in ways that are not Islamically acceptable is the problem, which leads to disastrous consequences. In this case it is not permissible for the man to get in touch with the woman or for the woman to get in touch with the man, and say that he wants to marry her. Rather he should tell her wali (guardian) that he wants to marry her, or she should tell her wali that she wants to marry him, as ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) did when he offered his daughter Hafsah in marriage to Abu Bakr and ‘Uthmaan (may Allaah be pleased with them both). But if the woman contacts the man directly or if the man contacts woman directly, this is may leads to fitnah (temptation).
    now you can tell him to become muslim if he decline and you say okeh i will still marry him (if your mind is set up in this way) these all discussions are useless. so first ask your self is religion really has the highest priority in your life (which i hope) then you know what to do if not stil you know what to do. and remember u cant push him to become muslim he must do it willingly.

  18. Assalamu alaykum ,

    Dear Sister your problem has solved or what I dont know, i want to tell you one thing, Submit your life to ALLAH
    Best dispossar of all affairs is ALLAH SWT . So, perform istiquara InshaAllah Allah will guide you. But One thing you print in your heart you can marry only a muslim person

    Regards
    Akhila

  19. Salam Sister:

    I know you have heard many and opposing view. but most views are missing the central question here;
    First question: if you believe in Allah, Quran, his prophets and the thereafter then surely you know the hereafter is for ever. our life in this earth is but a blink of an eye comparatively. This should answer those that says you only have one live to live, so do what makes you happy regardless of anything else. those without sometimes knowing only believe in this life and this life only. you can be a Musllim if you tahts I your belief.
    2- why does it have to be either with this non-Muslim whom you love or "a random Aran Man". Islam does not say marry a random Muslim Man. it says to marry a true pious Muslim who would cherish and treat you well and help you attain good life on earth and also paradise. Look and you will find such person.
    3- If your non-muslim "husband" loves so much he can study Quran and Islam and revert. If he si not willing to do so,. My be he does not love you as much as you think he does.
    4- For those that sounds good and advice you not listen to what people say and that God is Love ...etc. are using nice sounding words but no factual. Quran and hadith states explicitly that a Muslim woman can NOT marry a Muslim man. This is not open to interpretation; you can check and verify yourself. as for God is Love, indeed he is and he has told us through his prophets and books how to attain his love, love of our spouses, fellow human ...etc. he also forbad the wrong kind of love. There are those who love hasd forbidden love - do justify it by saying God is love .

    5- If all else fails' a true Muslim would scarify a lot in this life if it is in the way of him/her attaining the love of God and eternal life in paradise.

    You are not explicitly saying that you are married to this person but have a relationship with him. If so, this a big sin in Islam. if you love your religion, which I have to accept that you od. then you would now that you can not have such relationship.

    I stress those that go by you only have one live to live to justify anything they like to do can never be believers in the here after. Believers must believe that we have more than one life to live and that this life is but a blink to what is coming after death. Your decision which one you are ready to scarify and struggle achieve.

    may Allah guide you and myself to what is best for us in this life and the thereafter.

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