Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I love my wife, but she denies me intimacy sometimes and I’m frustrated

wedding night bed

I love my wife dearly. I just can't imagine how life would be without her. When I am with her its like I have the whole world in my hands. We are both very good-looking and romantic and I happen to have a high sex-drive. Yes my wife does give me some intimacy, but at some times she always refuses.

I have mixed feelings about this because I know its her body and I don't want to force myself on her and hurt her but I have this burning passion to go into her. Don't get me wrong, I have no desire to cheat on her nor do I want a second wife -I never want to hurt her feelings that is why - but I become desperate at times.

As a teenager I used to masturbate and (sometimes I even watched porn, but not as much as other kids in my class). I used to repent to Allah every time and I tried to give up this haram activity and I would give up such haram activities for months on end before I fell into these sins again. Eventually the frequency of haram activity declined to the extent that I only masturbated occasionally after months. Eventually I stopped, Alhamdulillah, and kept my gaze down. I felt guilty for my haram activities as a teenager and thought to myself I don't deserve to get married to a good girl or virgin.

I got married years later, Alhamdulillah, and I loved my wife very much. I burnt up all my passion with her and this strengthened our love. However at times she becomes moody and denies me intercourse because she is simply not in the mood. I know everyone says that the angels will curse her for not coming to my bed but I ask Allah to forgive her each time she does that because I understand that she may not be in the mood for intimacy at times just as I am not in the mood of doing certain things at time..it's human nature.

She doesn't always deny me intimacy always, just sometimes. And I never want t o hurt her feelings by getting a second wife or cheating on her, so I contemplated masturbation as that would not hurt her if she ever knew. But masturbation is also a sin. So I thought of fasting but I knew that fasting isn't of much help as she gives me sex some days and other days she doesn't, depending on her mood and so I don't know her schedule.

I fear masturbating or even falling onto other worse sins, so I want to take testosterone reducing drugs which will reduce my desire compatible to a level with her. That way all my problems will be solved, and as far as I have researched they are not haram either. That way I won't fall into sin nor will I ever risk hurting my wife's feelings.

Sisters, I'd like to ask you how you would feel about your husband if he masturbated behind your back when you deny him intimacy only because he feels that if he doesn't he will cheat on you or remarry and doesn't want to do those things because it will hurt your feelings?

P.S. By wanting more sexual activity, I do not mean a desire for more women. When I mean more desire, it means more frequent sex with my wife. I have NO desire for any other woman besides my wife.

- Salim


Tagged as: , , , ,

38 Responses »

  1. As-salamu alaykum brother Salim,

    I have limited time today, but a couple of quick comments:

    1. Alhamdulillah that you have a good marriage where you love each other and have passion and romance. That's a huge blessing, and more than many people have.

    2. Learn to read your wife's moods. If there are times of day when she is more responsive to love making, then approach her at those times. Also, are there things you can do to help get her in the mood? Maybe sitting with her, relaxing, making conversation; or doing the household chores for her so she's not tired; or taking her to her favorite restaurant; or giving her a massage; etc?

    3. Perhaps when she's not in the mood for intercourse, she'd be willing to satisfy you in other ways (with her hand, or orally if the two of you have no objection to that).

    4. As a last resort I think masturbation would be acceptable. However, my concern is that you may come to rely on it. If you fear your wife is not in the mood, you might just satisfy yourself without even trying. As a result, the passion and intimacy in your marriage could decline even further.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Thanks for such nice answer,

      But i have tried all these things, approaching to her when she is in good mood, massage, early to bed as she always complain that she wants to sleep, early in the morning i tought might be she woke up and she will be fresh but nothing works, This thing

  2. Salaams,

    Since you asked for a sister's perspective, I figured I would oblige. However keep in mind that I am only speaking for myself, it may or may not be a representation of what your wife (or any other woman, for that matter) would think and feel.

    Personally, as a female, I take the injunction to be available for a husband very seriously. I think that the times for a man to be refused should truly be worst case scenarios. To me, it's not realistic to think every encounter is going to be romantic or phenomenal, as sometimes you just need to be there for someone so they can relieve their sexual pressure. I think if a man can be ok with a wife who may, at times, approach it as strictly business for this cause...then the woman should take a few minutes out of her day to be there when her husband needs her. To me, a bad mood is not an excuse. In my experience, such relationss usually improve any bad moods, so the sacrifice is definitely worth it and even encouraged.

    I think that if a lady gets upset that her man is masturbating to relieve his sexual needs strictly because she is refusing him directly at other times, she is foolish. I believe a woman needs to be mature enough to accept the consequences that if she refuses her husband, he may be driven to "take a long shower". (On the flipside, I also don't have much tolerance for men who have wives who are always willing and available to oblige their needs, but just don't choose to access them and would rather masturbate out of simplicity. However this doesn't apply to you, I just wanted to make sure it was clear I'm not being biased in any way.)

    In addition to the suggestions brother Wael gave, I think it would be good to talk to your wife about the situation and have an honest discussion to solve the problem in a meaningful way. I tend to think that when she is in a bad mood (sex aside), she would probably rather not be. I don't know anyone who would reject a good mood if they had the choice, so perhaps you can ask her what types of things you can do in general to help improve her mood. That way, whether you want to have sex with her or not, you can help her feel better when she is stressed and this will in shaa Allah have a positive effect on your direct issue. Another aspect you can bring into the discussion is the angle that we all do things when we don't feel like it (salat, bathing, chores, work etc), and her duty toward you sexually can be included with that.

    Most wives who love their husband don't mind improving their game to make a better marriage. I think if the love between you is truly as strong as you say, you guys can work together to make this issue less troublesome. I hope everything works out for both of you.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Salam dear brother,

      From what you describe I would like to say that you are lucky to be blessed in such a loving marriage and you seem to be a genuinely lovely husband to your wife mashallah which is nice to read for a change. May Allah swt increase your love for each other and continue to bless you both.

      I would like to say that I agree with Sister Amy's reply and most of Wael's post although I would say that even as a last resort there’s plenty of things that can be tried instead of putting masturbation to a last resort because of its damaging effect, you took the step to once and for all stop this habit and I am afraid if you allow yourself to go back that it will have detrimental affects on your currently stable and happy marriage. Do not go down that path as it is a sin for reason; for reasons we know about and reasons that Allah swt only knows, this is why I would advice that do not even have this on your last resort list although I do understand Wael's reasoning.

      I agree with Sister Amy's points on specking to her about your thoughts and feelings because that will allow you to put forward your feelings and for your wife to listen and know that this may become an issue, you addressing it with her will reflect to her how serious your concerns are, be truthful with her and be sensitive and understanding, tell her you understand this it is her body and its human nature as you mentioned to sometimes not be in the mood for certain things but tell her for you to be content and keep your personal Islam intact that you feel you may need sometimes a bit more intimacy so you can fulfil your natural urges and maintain your stability inshallah. This too I agree with Wael can be with not actual intercourse but by helping you reach satisfaction by different ways that work with you, but I do hear what you said about you feel the need to go the full way so to speck but I really do think by making her understand will be the key. Specking from a ladies perspective I would never want my husband to feel that he has to relieve himself when he can easily come to me, his wife, many women have different drives but I would still compromise this to help keep my husband within Islam and not to hurt me also as this would hurt me if had to resort to m……. It is true what Sister Amy said that men whom have wives who are willing to be there for them but they still choose to m……. ., this is quite common and very sad and is why I admire your decisions mashallah. Help her around the home and with children if needed, sometimes women say they 'do not feel in the mood' not because they do not want to but because they feel insecure about something and they can not tell you and would need more time such as.. need to cleanse oneself or do personal things to be ready for you such as waxing or personal things that she will not want to tell you, that's why we make the excuse of we are not 'in the mood' when its in fact more than that. By helping her around the house or leaving the home for a bit, telling her when your back you want to show her how much you love her then that may put enough hints for her if this is one of the reasons.

      Making her feel less stressed with chores and with guests coming over and so fourth will also help, complement her always in an affectionate way rather than sexual and do little surprises with flowers on random days from work to keep her sweet even though you have no agenda for that day. Inshallah things will work out for you, all the best.

      Sister R

  3. Nahmaduhu wa nusalli ala rasoolihil kareem ,assalam o alaykum wr wb

    I completely with due respect detest what bro wael said he speak completely out of ignorance its haram to do oral sex ,now dont come up with excuse saying that where are hadeeth whoch states oral sex is haram ! YOu should have knowledge of ijtehad to understand this .

    Nevetheless its haram all the salaf scholars and calibre scholars deemed it as haram , i warn again you all dont learn islam online and interpret on your own for vested interest ,dont speak of anything which u have no knowledge of .

    Inline to question posed by akhi yes she is wrong that is why she is cursed because its comman what this brother did at her back .

    Solution : make her understand the role of wife first in islam . remember its not mood which drives your limbic system in ur head but the urge in it drives ur mood. So when her husband want intercourse she should be happy and should understand him .

    Secondky inline to brothers urge ur desire is not hypersexual at all its just your perspective which makes u percieve that . Its all in ur head .

    I will answer in detail later on

    Fee amanallah

    student of uloom ul shariah

    • Nabeel, you are free to disagree, but you are wrong to call me ignorant. In fact I have read many articles on this subject, and you are incorrect. Most Muslims scholars have held oral sex to be permissible, though some find it distasteful or disliked.

      Furthermore your advice to the brother is useless. "Make her understand", that's your answer? Good luck with that approach, bro. Marriage is about mutual respect and caring, not forcing one person to meet our needs. We can get what we want better by being soft and understanding, than by being strict.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Strange that you're a student of Uloom Al Shariyah. Did they teach you to issue fatwa ? Did they teach you to make somthing HARAM without daleel ? Did they teach you all to be a law maker ?
      Interesting actually,
      If oral sex isn't explicitly haram in shariyah, how did you come to a conclusion that it is haram? Infact you've used the word ' haram(forbidden) ', you must be joking ! I would've understand you if you've used ' mubah ', ' makrooh tanzeehi ' or ' makrooh tahrimi ' just like the opinions of Hanafi scholars. Whereas for other school scholars, it is allowed. In my opinion it is mustahab if husband/wife is in no mood for sex. This is done inorder to avoid arguemnts and ill feelings. If you hate oral sex, don't issue personal fatwa stating its prohibition. According to Shafi school and others, we can enjoy our wife/husband in whatever way we like insha'Allah.

    • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh

      Who gave you the authority to declare something haram with your mouth? Do you place yourself before Allah and His Messenger?

      http://quran.com/16/116

      What is more obscene than declaring haram halal or halal haram or following an imam or shaikh who does such a thing.

      Is there anything more obscene than shirk?

  4. salam brother,

    ALlhadullilah you are such a good husband. you care so much about your wives feelings. this is very rare these days.

    i think if my husband had this problem i wouldnt mind if he musterbayed as long as its not haram. i would rather he do that then cheat or get a 2nd wife.

    also divert ur attention to prayers instead of seeking worldly pleasures all the time. read luran listen to kutbas etc etc. sometimes people are tired and intimacy is the last thing on their mind and especially in the winter if you have to have a bath late at night so you are pure to pray fajr later. sometimes it becomes a burden for women if the husband wants intimacy frequently its tiring.

    maybe you should speak to your wife regarding your frustations as the others have adviced. maybe work out a timetable when it is best for both of you. bearing in mind that you avoid prayer times then you will be late for prayers. maybe when all the housework is done and prayers are completed. then your both relaxed.

    i think in some cases husbands dont want the wife to be business like and just lie theiir like a dead fish they want them to join in. you cant win. if shes tired you might complain . its better when your both in the mood then everyones happy. 🙂

    inshallah everything works out.

  5. Asalamu alikum brother,

    The above are all great suggestions- and i can add a few things myself.

    One thing is to understand her moods and why they are happening- does she work outside the home? Dies she stay at home and chasing kids all day? or both? So see what is occupying her mind, and if you see she is busy with stuff- help her finish them.

    So for example, if you have kids you see she has to give them a bath and put them to bed. When you come home always come and hug and kiss her and tell her how was your day? Can i help you with anything?

    So she tells you it was crazy and still has alot to do. This is your cue to get doing stuff despite your desire BECAUSE there is nothing more attractive than a man who helps you out and understands her needs.

    Okay so you are both relaxed now- So once the busy things that are occupying her mind are done- you need to woe your woman. Tell her can i give you a back rub/massage....etc. set up a nice bath for the both you. if you dont have time, just stick to a small foot massage. Even cuddling and holding hands to get her in the mood. A small touch is a great way to get her going. Also ,cut up some fruits and feed her. just do something nice- that the fastest way to get her to be happy and feel confident and sexy.

    This might sound like a lot of work, and its not realistic to run a bath every time you are feeling sexual urges. But you can hint in a gentle and loving way that you need "sexual servicing" - by kissing the back of her neck, touching her, etc just to get things going.

    Also, brother, the most important thing is to talk to her, learn about islam and intimacy and share your knowledge with her. Not in a demeaning way- but there is a really nice book that i cant think of the name and i will post it when i can remember. But the book talks about intimacy in Islam - in relation to men and womens needs and understanding each other- this would be helpful to her and yourself.

    I love how the book describes women and their sexual needs as a "slow oven"- that takes a long time to warm up and you have to do small acts of love/kindess to warm it up. Women feel ready for sex when they feel loved, cared for, attractive. while men need sex to feel intimacy with a woman. So finding a balance that works for the both of you is always good.

  6. Salam!

    Wow...You're so nice! I hate men these days so much. I swear, I just want to smack all of them. -__-

    Alhamdulillah. Please, don't ever change. You have a good heart, MashaAllah. I hope Allah keeps your kind heart protected forever.

    I have to say, it's disappointing to hear you masturbated and watched porn while you were younger. But, we all do bad things in our life, and I pray, brother, that you don't ever go back to doing that again.

    My heart would be shattered if you masturbated behind my back, or even wanted to in the first place. Don't break what you have. I know it's hard, brother, but that is what Allah is there for.

    You're such a great husband for asking Allah to forgive your wife. You're doing so well, I can't imagine how happy Allah might be with you. So, don't stop.
    Keep going, just keep going and know that Allah is only testing your patience.

    Death is very near, and every second, it grows closer. Don't give up now.

    Brother, I would also like to thank you for something. It's like I said earlier, these days, I'm beginning to get so disgusted by men. I feel like us women are all just sex slaves, and nothing else.

    It's driving me crazy, and just talking about sex and women, and men together makes me so angry. I've started to really dislike men altogether.

    But, you definitely gave me some hope. I should not paint all men with the same brush. Not all men are bad. Like you, there are still loving men out there.

    InshaAllah, I KNOW things will get better for you.

    Don't hope for the best, KNOW in your heart with passion that Allah, the Almighty, is in all power. He will give you ANYTHING, if you only ask Him.

    • Sheesh, you're sexist. Subhanallah. You think women are angels?

      • I don't think she sounds sexist, she sounds wounded more than anything.

        She does say in her post that she "should not paint all men with the same brush. Not all men are bad." I would say that is a sign of growth and she acknowledges that she should shift her thinking.

      • Both aren't lol

  7. Assalamu aleikum brother,

    As a sister I know I'm supposed to be shy about addressing these sorts of topics, but I believe that sex can bring huge problems in a relationship and can even lead to divorce if one party feels neglected. You seem to be a great guy, mashaAllah, but you need to make sure that you are making sex actually feel worth it to your wife. Do you make sure she enjoys sex when you have it? Or is it just about you and your needs? Do you spend time communicating with your wife about her feelings and thoughts? Most women need to feel loved and cherished before we can have sex. Your testosterone levels have no influence in this issue. The fact that you are focusing on your body so much through masturbation is the problem. You should be learning her body and what makes her enjoy sex.

    • I don't think that is a right response. You are telling him to do what he actually is doing. Its a joint effort in these circumstances. I think that he is being hyper considerate and blinded by love and apparently his wife is not even being considerate. Everyone has mood swings but there is a difference between denial sometimes and regular denial. I have a friend whose in laws have interfered and destroyed his marriage to such an extent that when he does not bow down to their whims and fancies, his wife denies him sex. She says that she does not like sex and hates it. Though ironically she wants him to hug her and that tantalizes and excites him. But he is considerate enough to abstain from sex simply because she does not want to. But is this justified? He loves her in every way but speaking to an ulema he has realized that she wants him to suffer and that I think is gross. Using sex as a means to take revenge. How justified is that?

  8. Maansha allah brother my English is not good you are good husband walahi I am crying when you said " i ask Allah to forgive her each time" but brother tell her slowly you love her and you need her especially when she is happy . brother iam like her pray for us insh allah

  9. SALAM brother,...DO NOT take the testosterone lowering drugs...its not worth it..why would you put chemicals in your body for nothing..Allah has given you this as a blessing and you want to destroy yourself..get HIJAMA...and work things out with your wife but whatever you do, dont resort to drugs/chemicals..

    • Why brother, what are the side effects?
      I just thought this would be a good way to solve my problem.

      • Salaams,

        In my understanding, those types of medications are only prescribed for a true medical condition, not just to treat libido. You have to understand, reducing a normal level of testosterone neutralizes the masculine qualities that men have, so the side effects could include slowed metabolism (and resultant weight gain), increase in mood disturbance, lack of focus or concentration, and possibly even diminished physical strength. There are also concerns that it could affect the ability to adequately produce sperm or cause erectile dysfunction. A last caution you have to consider is that men do have estrogen (the female hormone) as well, so reducing testosterone to below-normal levels could allow the estrogen levels to increase which would cause a whole other range of problems and side effects.

        Bottom line, men should only take testosterone-lowering medications if they have been tested and shown to have a higher than normal level of testerone in their systems.

        -Amy
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  10. Asalamualikum wa Rehmathullahi wa Berakathuhu
    In islam if a husband /wife is cheating in the sense illegal intercourse. then their punishment is stoning them to death .. if they are not married and if they do illegal intercourse then their punishment is lashes .. but for a married person tawba will not be enough their tawba is not gonna get accepted .. but if a husband/wife has doubt that they are being cheated then there must be a solid proof and in islam the proof of intercourse is eye witness 4 men should see their intercourse ..and in case of women 8 women should witness their intercourse this is the only proof in islam rest all proofs like messeges, phone calls ,mails, letters are not valid in islam... without eye witness you cant blame them and if you coudnt not find any witnessess then you can continue with them .. but if they have done this severe sin and their husband/wife are not aware of it ... then remember Allah Subhanatallah is not blind he is aware of evrything and surely he has kept a severe punishment for you .... betrayel in marriage is severe and its punishment is also severe
    May Allah Subhanatalla guide Ummathi Muhammad (saw) on the right path Ameen ya Allah

  11. your wife not being in the mood is not an excuse. what do she have to do any way, your the man. speak to her and tell her its getting on your nerves!!!!

  12. i know this is an old post...whatever u do dont take testosterone reducing drugs, there is NO SIN on u being a healthy sexual man hence dont ever try changing urself. ur woman needs to wake up and put out, not out of necessity but pure love for her man *u* get her to read 'act like a woman/think like a man' trust me its a wake up call and really lets women know what its kinda like being a man with such needs if she loves u and cares about u then she'd fix up, if not re-marry and get ur needs met. i say that knowing i wouldnt want that done to me so i pray if i were ever in that sit i would put out, inshaAllah lol. and yes i agree with th 1st poster; Wael

    (obviously be4 contemplating that give her a chance to see things frm ur perspective 1st. sometimes talking just doesnt cut it, a person needs to be SHOWN) and that goes for everyone at times.

    luck

    • Although I agree with part of your post, I disagree that his woman needs to "put out."--rather, she needs to be awakened with how it feels for him OR he needs to put more effort into how he approaches his wife so she is the one looking forward to it more than him--that is possible as well.

      It sounded like (I could be wrong) you were suggesting that she should be taught a lesson by the OP taking a 2nd wife. I don't think it is wise to get into another marriage, when a person is having trouble with the first. How is this a solution? Maybe the problem is how these are communicating? If communication and failing to understand eachother's needs if the problem, then taking a second wife might just further the problem if the OP fails in communicating his needs there as well. Further to that, how would the 2nd wife feel when she finds out she was just married for sexual reasons only?

      The advice from br. Wael and sr. Amy is very good.

  13. Im a female good looking marsallah me and my husband married
    Each other out of love he is a good Muslim pray fast. We always had good sex ontill my son was born, I sometimes got tired and didn't really want to have sex sometimes and he wanted it 24/7 lol I never in my life thought He would ever go cheat on me which he did I found out I was heart broken. When I told him he said you never gave me any. I honestly wanted to kill him I had to give him a chance for the sake Of my son he said he is sorry and he will never do it again. Now I have learn never say no to your husband just give it to him even if is 1 MIT. But still that's stupid in his part to go cheat which till today he say he never cheated I will never know the truth but Allah knows I had prove. Sometimes love isn't enough and when your husband is a good Muslim
    Who fear Allah. Wallah when it comes to sex must Muslim men don't fear Allah as long as they get there 2 mits. Is crazy life is crazy.

    • Your husband did zulim, injustice to himself by committing zina and the woman he committed the zina with too--she also did a horrible injustice.

      At least your husband could have remembered the times before the birth of your child to know what you are really like--after the birth of a child, a woman's body changes a lot including her hormones, so sorry to say, I think your husband made a very very poor choice.

      The both of you need to communicate more effectively and mind the changes as a family grows especially considering you are both setting an example for your child.

      May Allah protect us from the evil tricks of shaitaan. Ameen.

  14. I'm so sorry I know this is someone else post!!! Thank you Saba for your respond wallah my body hasn't change I'm still skinny before and afther the baby alhamdullah I'm way better looking then him but am I suppose to go cheat on him ?never I fear Allah and he pray more then I do wallah I lost his trust I love him deeply so I gave him one more chance next time I'm leaving him.Must men that pray and fast are the worse human being I'm sorry to say this to me is all fake if you truly love Allah you will understand sometimes if your wife is tired.

  15. Dear Bros & Sister,

    As-salamu alaykum.

    Do you know the Angels will curse a 100 times over a spouse refusing to attend to intimate sexual request?
    Because you will end up resorting to doing what is Haram. Which is masturbating.

    Understand this before you decide to masturbate.

    Generally, I would ask my spouse if I could masturbate if my initial request is not attended to. This way she understands your frustration clearly.

    It is very important to start a relationship with your spouse by being open and direct. By hiding things from your spouse is also haram unless it is genuinely for your spouse safety.

    As for the mention of oral sex, nothing says it cannot be done between spouses except for anal whereby hygiene and what is unnatural is frown upon. The rest can be treated as the act of stimulation.

    I personally like to go beyond whats permitted and find all the excuses to justify my actions. I too may relentless pursue to find someone I could blame to give me wrong advises. Unfortunately, I accept the truth and take my place in Allah mercy. I struggle everyday to be better because I believe in Allah, and believe in being helped. You must decide which frame of mind and heart you want to be.

    If fasting and prayer dont help, I believe you have approached the wrong people to assist you.

    I do wish you all the very best as I know there are many people who can help you. U just have to listen and try their methods out. It actually works and it does involve in fasting and prayers.

    Salam

    Sabdullah

  16. if she doesn't give you now, then she would also stop loving you in the future and you are living in a fantasy, wake up and be real. divorce her and get someone who can satisfy your needs

  17. I believe my husband is in the same boat as you. I used to love getting intimate with him but after having 2 children my hormones haven't returned to normal and I have very little sexual desires. I hate to force myself to have sex with him because it hurts and it makes me emotionally hut as well. He doesn't know this and doesn't want to know this either. I am also very tired at the end of the day with all my reponsibiltis of home and children. I have told him if he helps me out by being less finicky about how I handle the household then I might be in the mood and have energy for intercourse. He wants nothing to do with helping me but is always ready to remind me of my duty to him. Isn't it his responsibility to care for me as well? At this point I'm so frustrated for being treated like a sex object and slave without any care for my likes and dislikes that I am ready to go find him a second wife myself! It would hurt me tremendously but I don't deny that I can't be there for him as I feel he isnt there for me. If he does remarry, I will standby him for a few years and then ask him to release me once my kids are old enough to understand.

    • Asalam o alikum
      Noor i dont think that you should do that
      What i personallly think that all the husbands who do sex with some other women and is in this sin is all because of thier wifes who do not accept their desirs they have to fulfil thier desir when ther wifs does not accept the request they find another women and is in a sin all because of thier wifs
      Noor i donot think that you should do this you should fulfil his desir and if u will not he will go for another women and will be in a sin because of you

      • Assalam alaikum,

        Intimacy is a right that both a husband and a wife enjoy in marriage. Both should work hard to make sure that the other is satisfied and happy.

        The sister is saying that she is struggling with doing housework on her own and lacks energy and then you are saying the blame will go on her if her husband sins? Subhan Allah. I ask Allah swt to help our Ummah--reading this kind of stuff is really disturbing.

        There is nothing wrong with the husband's expectations for his wife, but there is also nothing wrong with him helping her out either. On one hand we talk about the degree of men over women especially in terms of their strength in their ability to control their emotions or physical strength and on the other hand we have such high expectations for women--the Prophet, peace be upon him, did household work and it never made him less of a man--rather, he was more a man than anyone else could ever claim. He would even mend his own clothes. If we are to mention the punishment to sisters, please, let us also remember the other things that the Prophet, peace be upon him, practiced in his everyday life.

        Dear Sister Noor,

        Don't give up on your husband as of yet. Along with prayer and reading the Quran, also take time out for yourself, a little at a time. Start with 5 to 10 minutes a day in which you relax with no distractions after your kids fall asleep or before they get up. Also, go see a doctor and see if you can find out if there are any underlying medical issues at play. May Allah swt ease your pain and help you successfully pass this test, Ameen.

    • Dear Sister Noor,

      You are right on your way. hadith clearly states that if a women is menstruating or is "SICK". This clealy means she is biologically and psychologically unfit and so therefore, angels won't curse her. If your husband really Loves you, he will have enough strength to love and care for you first rather than demanding for sex. Don't you worry sister, there is not cursing on such a women. If you want to fulfill his desires and at the same time you can't then ask ALLAH (SWT) for help. Simple is that! If he wants his rights of sex then your husband should better know that his wife has a right over him and that is to be kind to her and caring for her. You aren't a slave or animal of your husband instead his companion and mate.

      Secondly my answer to sister Ayesha idrees regarding sister noor's issue. it's not her fault that her husband indulge into sexual relationship with other women. Noor sister isn't intentionally refusing for sex, she has a genuine reason so please stop making her realize that she is sinning because she is not. The reason is that she didn't refuse before having kids, now she has a genuine reason.

      Thirdly as for her husband, by her husband's attitude, it doesn't seems that he really loved her, because i have seen many couples who sacrifice their desires for each other, marriage isn't all about fulfilling desires, it is also about sacrificing, his husband has lust not love, all he wants is her body. Best way is to talk to your husband directly and make him realize that now you have kids and difficult for you to carry out, if he leaves you even after having kids, that clearly means he never loved you.

      Being a male i must say today's males only needs sex from a women and they are bold on reminding her duties but they forget about their duties of loving and caring for her and other duties of the wife. Such males are no less animals because all animals wants is sex from females and have no sense of caring or feelings of that she is going through.

  18. AOA, I am a student of psychology and the solution is really simple. Some of the guys simply saying "teach her a lesson, she is doing wrong" is just a worse way to destroy marriage. Look we make things complicated, first thing is to keep in mind that she is a human being too!, she has feelings, emotional being. Men doesn't have a right to force her or be strict with her. If she is giving you intimacy sometimes, it's good. If she is psychologically not prepared there is nothing harm in that. Marriage is not all about sex! all males need to understand this thing! She is not an animal or slave with whom whenever you want, you can have sex. Main thing is understanding.

    When it was asked by Hazrat Aisha (RA) about Holy Prophet Behavior at home?, she replied that he was kind to his wives.

    Just think for a minute of these two scenarios:

    1- Husband comes and says i want sex and her wife unwillingly offers because he doesn't love her, he just wants her body.
    2- Husband comes to room, kisses her, talks to her, hug her, make her feel comfortable and then tries to approach her and if she accept good if not then he waits patiently and happily postpone and this attitude of his makes the women have love for him and she accept the next day.

    Which one is better?

    secondly the hadith of sahi bukhari and others literally doesn't mean that. What it means is that she is intentionally not giving you sexual rights and she uses it for fake of revenge or uses it as a power to tease or torture you. Many ulama says wife should submit herself anyway which is totally non sense because they are not your slave instead they are your companions!, be kind to them, love them, show affection that is what a wife wants. Stop giving answers which is cruel and harsh to wife!

    Remember Always, What can be achieved with love and affection cannot be achieved by scaring your wife with hadith which you don't know the literal meaning off.

    Men should see her biological and psychological state before approaching her, Never forget that, they are human beings just like men are. They need love and kindness, they need your time, laugh with them, take them out somewhere to increase love, if you won't then don't expect any love from her side and fantasize that marriage is successful.

    Remember always, women either loves You truly or she loves you unwillingly for sake of children and family. don't burden her more instead love her so she loves you truly.

    Men Should have patience in all matters specially sexuality! that is how a marriage becomes successful.

    ALLAH knows best.

    • Jazak Allah for this comment. It is rare that we hear such comments from a male regarding intimacy. May Allah swt reward you for sharing your thoughts, Ameen.

  19. Why are you all beating around the bush. Allah has made everything so clear. Because men are more sexy they women they are allowed to have more wives. Talk to you wife if she can not satisfy you need you should take a second wife, on a condition that you are fare to both of them.

Leave a Response