Will he reject me now he knows I’m not a virgin?
Salam alaykoum wa rahmatullah,
So my story is that, a few years back I made a mistake which has affected my whole future for the worst - I lost my virginity, and as it is clear it was obviously premarital, few years have passed now and I am regretful and I repent and ask for forgiveness everyday, but at the end of the day this is a great loss and I'm pretty sure some of you can relate,
Now there is someone my family want me to marry, and he wants me to marry him. He is from overseas, I accepted this marriage and he is an amazing guy. I tried many ways to convince my parents that I don't want this marriage, obviously because of the mistake I have made.
I feel very low, yes I believe in myself but I also believe that this man doesn't deserve someone that isn't a virgin, so anyway I considered doing a surgery called the hymenoplasty which is a surgery where you are able to repair the hymen, but I did not do it, instead I told the man that I am not a virgin hoping if he heard my story he would understand - that I was lied to, abandond and left to go through this journey alone, when I lost it, it was the most devastating moment, this guy was the only one by my side I had no friends and I trusted him with everything, but I defiantly was not sexually active I didn't know what "put it in a little bit meant" if you know what I mean..
Anyway if this man doesn't accept me, how am I supposed to end this without my family being devastated? All my family want us for each other, from here and from overseas. I think I told him a little too late, was it a good idea to tell him? I feel like I did the right thing by not hiding it because I know Allah is merciful and only he who punishes can pardon, but will this one mistake that I have locked inside of me so long determine my nasib every time I speak the truth when I get a proposal , I really do hope he still wants me after he was told the devastating news.
I just need any sort of advice.. Please help..
salam
hope1234
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Assalaamualaikam
While zina is a very serious matter, I think you need to stop letting one act from your past define you and whether you are 'worthy' of marriage. You will have other qualities that are admirable and will inshaAllah make your future husband very happy, but if you keep thinking so negatively about yourself, it will be hard for you to move forward.
We are human, and part of being human is that sometimes we get it wrong. Sometimes that's in a little way, and sometimes it's in a big way. But Allah is Most Merciful - in the Quran and ahadith, there are many, many examples and explanations of Allah's Mercy for small sins, big sins and everything in between. Clearly, we should try our best to avoid sinning, but when we do, the course of action we should take is clear: Turn to Allah, repent sincerely for transgressing His limits, make sure that the sin is not repeated, and move forward with life while learning from the mistakes we make.
We do not have to tell people that we have committed sins, and in fact there are teachings which say we should not reveal that which Allah has covered for us. This doesn't mean we should lie, but that we do not need to declare "I've done [insert bad thing here]".
Virginity and chastity can be big deals for some people when they are looking for a spouse, so I think you're right in considering whether it would be a deal-breaker for this guy (some people are very keen to marry someone who has been chaste all their life, for example, if they have done the same - it's ok for people to have their own preferences and opinions, but remember that someone else's opinion is just that, and doesn't mean you are a good or bad person because of it). However, if this situation happens again in the future, might be better to raise the subject without revealing the details of your particular situation - maybe by discussing the views that the two of you hold on chastity. That way, if he makes it clear that he only wishes to marry a virgin, then you can decline the proposal without having told the guy the details of your past.
What's done is done, and the decision about whether to proceed with marriage is up to the two of you. While he is thinking things through, maybe use the time to think about whether you yourself want to go ahead, and ask Allah for guidance; pray istikhara? If either of you decide not to go ahead, then the two of you can just say to your families that you didn't feel things were right, and leave it at that. Yes, people may well be upset, but they will cope, inshaAllah. The most important people in this decision are you and this guy, so make sure that whatever decision you make is one that both of you are satisfied is right for you.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
How a virgin guy can tell the difference between a virgin and a non-virgin during the first encounter? How many women know where their hymen is?
Personally I think a man won't be able to tell the difference especially if a girl has stopped doing it for few months / years. Even a physician may not be able to tell.
If you potential husband is getting a chance to move to a better life in a new country, he may just ignore your admission. PLEASE don't go into details of your affair(s). It could be one time thing where a guy forced you into.
Women use many tricks to cover up from Chinese made virginity kits to cotton soaked in some red...........placed timely in the right place. You need to look up on Internet.
Times have changed many people have premarital sex in many countries.
Best of luck
There was no need to tell any thing. I am sure your husband did not tell you if he was a virgin.
Most men try to experience sex, some are successful.
Sister,
Do istikhaara. And carry on with your life whichever path you take. Allah will resolve your problems.
Please do not disclose this sin to anyone else. You have repented to Allah that is all that matters you don't need to prove yourself to anyone.
I really hope this guy excepts you and if he doesn't then that's his loss.
Keep praying to Allah and ask Allah what you want, inshAllah you will get the happiness you deserve.
Lastly allow yourself to be positive not negative. Good will only happen if you allow it to be.
Assalam alaikum,
I hope that you continue to ask Allah for forgiveness and continue to repent--it sounds like you are already doing that, Alhumdulillah. Keep on feeling remorse whenever you remember this sin.
Remember that Allah swt says:
It sounds like you have already told this boy about your past--and if he rejects you, who knows what he will do with this information. It doesn't seem practical to give everyone a list of your specific sins whenever there is a marriage proposal--there are some people who will gossip with that information. I advise you to not disclose your sins to anyone and continue to be regretful of your sin and seek Allah's forgiveness and never repeat the errors that led you to the sin.
Lastly, be firm on your stand, do no waiver, and do not repeat any action that will bring you close to zina. May Allah ease your difficulty.
I am sorry i can't say anything about this.. but i don't think so this is a good idea to tell him or any other person about this....
And sorry but i want to know what is the cost of hymenoplasty?
Depends on the location. 3rd world countries cheaper. US $2500-$5500. It’s worth it and guys you really can’t tell a virgin girl from a non virgin. The only thing that differentiates a virgin and non virgin girl is character but keep in mind when marrying look for someone who is ready to settle down and ready to commit. If someone is good they will be good regardless of the hymen being intact or not.
Salaam aleykum
Hope, what has happened..? How did it end..let me know pls i am in a similar situation.
Women!
I just can't live with the thoughts of my women with some other guy! even if it was before me!
Question: If shE's not a virgin, can she still be my soul mate?
Of course she can! If she is your soul mate, she can also not be a virgin. It might be a little hard to accept it, but your love should over pass that. She made a mistake and she won't do it again... but please don't expect her to have sex with you before you sign the marriage papers... 😉
There is nothing such as a soulmate. People need to keep in mind that there is 2 people involved in a relationship and they have their own views and ideologies. The ones that compromise, devote themselves, and make the commitment to their relationship are the ones that make the best.
Allah protect every one from committing this mistake. you need to marry someone who isn't a virgin, a divorcee maybe, yes he deserves a virgin if he is a guy of good character, but that doesn't mean you are bad. not all virgins are good people by nature you know. if you think that you are a good person, a kind, loving and everything good in you and that you realize your own mistake. you also deserve good guy. it is good that you told him the truth because some men feel betrayed and cheated if you don't tell them
i think you should have married and then told the truth (if he didn't ask) if he didn't ask you did the stupidity
Hope, let us know what happened, please tell him the truth because if you don't it will always be in your conscious, and if he accepts you then you tell him he must also forget it and never bring it up, I'm sure this man must have made some mistakes in his life, don't blame yourself for everything, please pray, and leave it to God, if God forgives you, then why does any man have the reason to not forgive you, if One greater has. Please let us know what happened, I'm sure your a great woman, and remember if you haven't had sex in more than 10 years your torn tissue has already mended it's "technically" so relax and don't take it so hard please!
Best wishes
AOA Bo n sis
I am pure virgin but my fiancy confessed as you confessed,,, she is not virgin but she is much more better muslim girl now,,, it broke me first when she confessed i am 29 year old and i have waited all my life for pure partner virgin like me,,, but Its Allah who has put the love in my heart for her and im getting married this year and i am happy with her,,, life is about giving happiness 🙂 i was like a dream for her,, and i am making her dream come true,, and that makes me more happy,, even im more in love,, that she has spent her life in soo much pain for that mistake,, and im gonna give her a happy married life in sha Allah..
But i dont suggest any girl to confess,, its your past b/w you and Allah,,, i believe in Allah from the bottom of my heart,, this life is only a test,, we are here for test not for enjoyment,, i dont care about virginity,, i will get virgin angels daily thousand times in endless life,, all guys who are talking negative things, guys if you want to live here and here after give happiness for your own happiness,, may be my this good deed will lead me straight to jannah 🙂
Salam
He cant tell the difference so dont bother , i know ppl might tell tell some unrealistic perfect things about bring honest but that really isnt worth risking alot of ppl would judge you based on your sexual status
Its in the past so dont mention it or talk about it
What if a girl doesn't bleed and the guy is orthodox type? Please help
Sultana, it has nothing to do with being "orthodox" or not orthodox. There is no requirement in Islam that a woman should bleed the first time. The hymen may have broken for other reasons, such as sports activities.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Last question please.... So for example the girl doesn't bleed on the first night and the guy starts creating drama...what should one do in that situation....
Sultana: Last question please.... So for example the girl doesn't bleed on the first night and the guy starts creating drama...what should one do in that situation..
If it is a life and death situation for you.....google...."pretend virgin" to get some ideas
Hi .....m 23 and m not married ....I have a problem ....can anyone plz tell me ...I didn't tell this to anyone.....my left labia is little different in shape as compared to other bcoz I used to masterbate but am virgin.....now my cliotus hood is also not in good shape ...I found line on it ....as I don't feel any pain ...or itchy ...is it normal ? Should I go to doctor ? .....will my future husband will kill me for this ? 🙁
Kinza:..I have a problem ....can anyone plz tell me ...I didn't tell this to anyone.....my left labia is little different in shape as compared to other bcoz I used to masterbate but am virgin.....now my cliotus hood is also not in good shape ...I found line on it
I hope you are in good shape now. Your problem is created by your mind.
Salam
I want to tell you about my story..I'm 32 man
I had more than tow years online relationship with someone in other country...after afew months we did talk about marriage and we were so serious about for do that I asked her several times are you virgin or no?she always said yeah I.virgin....I even told it's really important for me because I never had sex in my life before
So finally after 2 years we met each other when we arrived hotel we had sex..but when I was starting I realized she's not virgin but still had doubts maybe I lost her virgin.i was so shocked..and I told her you are not virgin...I only can remember she did hug me and told I'm..(but I don't really know what's happen that time because I was in a heavy shocked)..we were together for more than on week and had sex several times.. Because I was sure about marriage with here I still didn't really know she's not virgin..even in last night we were together before I back I I asked her do you have anything to tell me about your life before( because still had doubts she's not virgin) and she said oh no I don't have anything..so I gave her a ring
And afew days after when I did back my country I accidentally found her ex Facebook ...and I found she had a relationship with him more than 6 years....( she told about that relationship) so my doubts getting more I did asked her I saw many pictures of you and your boy friend before you had realy deep relationship with him..and I know you had sex with him before.....that time my gf explain about and told me " I told you in first night in hotel I only had once with my ex only one and after that I did Repentance
I really wondered to listen that and said when,why didn't tell me before( but I think maybe she told me but when I did start sex with her)
I really had bad feeling now because I trusted her whole times in these more than 2 years and I was really sure about marriage her that why I did sex with here...
She's Christan religion and I'm in slam
She's a good girl and understanding but after that time I couldn't really trust her like before....and this thinking how she could try playing with my life in these 2 years and abused my trust( she said I did that because I didn't want you have thinking I had sex many times before you,becuse I didn't want lose you)
Pls don't destroy your life and otherlife with lying and be honest always
N, you are such a hypocrite. You met with this woman and had sex with her multiple times. You don't seem at all concerned that you committed a serious sin and shamed yourself before Allah. Instead, you are upset that she had sex before - the same thing you are doing!
Leave this poor girl alone and let her find someone with a truly pure heart.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Iam 20 yrs old girl.i had a serious relationship 3 months back and when my parents came to know about this..they rejected .but we had sex but never thrusted.sobi dnt know whether iam a virgin or not.after this i repented to Allah till now..i. feel very regret about my past .iam going to married next week inshaallah..my future husband asked me whether i had any past relationship.my parents told me never disclose my past and also i know i should not disclose as i had repented..but his continous asking made me worried.so i ended up saying him..(i told i had a relationship .he told me u can tell me whtever it is and that he wil not leave me ).then he asked me whether iam a virgin.as i dont know about it i told iam a virgin..then he was ok and told me its good u told me befre marriage..but yesterday while we were talking unexpectedly this topic came and he told me if u were not a virgin i may had left you..this made me worrying..after marriage maybe if he findout he will not accept it..but i dont know whether iam a virgin..what should i do pls help me
I am not a virgin n seek for Allah's fogiveness.will it be berayal or something if i donot tell this thind to my future husband .is it important to tell it ? Does being a non virgin mean that u donot deserve a virgin man or he deserves somone better? Plz tell me a way to ask forgiveness for what i have done
Salam Amina,
I think you should tell a prospective husband. Some men are virgins and cant' handle the thought of their loved one having been touched by someone else. Others are not and don't care or don't care even if they are. Overall though it does affect your price in the market. Virgins are worth more because it's their first relationship and there is no one else they have to compare you against. Usually this helps in creating a more stable relationship. However, there are other factors to look at in a marriage and people may happily choose someone who is not a virgin. There is no real issue other than price.