Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Tell me, would you marry a divorced woman?

lonely woman %photo

Salaam,

Im asking this question to the bothers because I want to hear their answers.

I´m 24 years old, divorced. He was american and later converted to Islam.

Since i have grown up.. a lot I would say. I'm learning more about my faith and just started praying. ( i was not taught how to pray as a child) We got divorced because he did not treat me right.

Now, as a single "lonely" . I singed up to one of those arabic/islamic dating sites. Where i met at lot of weirdoes, but it gave me something to do when i was bored. ( and stopped hanging out with my friends) On the site, I did meet one "normal" man, who I really liked and hoped we would get married. He was older then me, about 30 he was religious, kind and educated, he seemed like everything I wanted. He flew out to meet me and stayed for the weekend (in a hotel, I didn't stay with him)

I was always honest with him regarding my past. After he met me, he decided to tell his parents. He parents thought getting married and having a child right a way would be too much for him to handle. After he spoke with his parents he ended things with me. I was crushed, one because he made it seem like it was my fault now no one will marry me, because i´m like a old used toy. (of course I do not look like that, i am fairly good looking, smart, I have good sense of humor) I was so shocked and crushed he took his parents advise. And why muslim (converts and non) don't accept divorced women?

So, I guess in a way i'm venting to you guys and I would like to know your opinion... How do you feel about marrying a divorced? Does it really factor in? I´m sincerely just asking your opinion on this, because i can´t seem to get over it.
jk-khayr


Tagged as: , ,

77 Responses »

  1. Assalamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh sister

    Though you are looking for the opinions of the brother, as a divorced sister myself I thought to leave my feedback. Not everyone wouldn't marry a divorced woman, in fact there are lots that would marry a divorced woman, especially if he is divorced himself. Times are changing and slowly the stigma behind divorce is also fading. Having said that no matter people's condition, 'cultural norms' always play a factor in marital matters. It's not a Muslim/revert issue. Sometimes it's a matter of the parents wanting to pick the spouse, sometimes it' s their ethnicity that's a problem, their level of education etc. When it's good for you, it will happen InshaAllah. We live and learn and pray that no matter what comes our way, or doesn't come our way it will be of benefit for us in this world and the hereafter.
    As for all the people on matrimonial sites being 'weirdos' except for one is a actully an unfair comment. Everyone has their own stories, experiences, desires, hopes and dreams. Some you may agree with , some you may not. It's each their own; I sense you are not entirely comfortable using an online site and feeling as though that too there is a stigma which your worth will be judged by. Don't use the standards of society to truly asses your self worth because that's not the standard Muslims live by. As long as long as it's done in a halal manner there's nothing to worry about; we should fear Allah subhanhu wa tala alone, and leave Judgements to Him - The All Knowing, All Wise.

    May Allah subhanhu w a tala make your search ease for you, and grant you comfort in this life and the hereafter....Ameen.

    Umm Abdullah
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. As salamu alaykum muslimah,

    Thank you for sharing, I am not a man, but I can relate to your problem perfectly.

    Your attitude towards your situation close the door with key included, I mean that if you want to see a door open in your life you should open yours with the right attitude, I am not saying wide open but, at least, to open it and keep the key in your pocket for a while, insha´Allah.

    When people see you, see your attitude towards yourself and the others, you have a wrong concept of yourself, and the male muslim world, you should focus in feeling well by yourself and then try to find your spouse,

    You are begining to pray, Alhamdulillah, that is a great sign, keep striving in your religion and learn as much as you can to bring up your little one, that is a precious time invested in the best way possible, Alhamdulillah.

    Pray to Allah(swt) to find the right man for you but get ready, don´t stop preparing yourself, and having a child, I would encourage you even more to make dua to be open eyes and soft hearted towards the male gender, not everybody is the same.

    All that has happended to you, for me is a sign to prepare yourself, to have patience and, at the right time, the right person will appear in your life, insha´Allah.

    At the top of the page you have a link with Duas, it may be helpful for you, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I am the mother of a girl facing a similar situation. She was married only six months to an agnostic man that among other things, did not like me and tried to apart my daughter from me.
      She has suffered a lot, to the point that she ruled out a new marriage. Now is about to years since her divorce. She is medical doctor and before going to her residence program, we decided to travel to Turkey, a place we only saw in our dreams. (remainder of the question deleted by the editor)

  3. Sister Maria, you always give very sound advice. MashaAllah

  4. I personally would not mind at all marrying a divorced woman, especially if I find someone who seems compatible with me, and if the age difference is not that great. I wouldn't even mind marrying a divorced woman with a child.

    But the problem is, my mom would never ever accept such marriage. She simply can't fathom it.

    This is the situation with most brothers. There are many brothers who actually do not mind marrying a divorced lady as long as they find someone who is compatible with them. But most of the time it can't happen because of the strong resistance from our mothers.

    See sister, we are in a tough situation here. Our Jannah lies under the feet of our mothers. How can we go against our mom? You may tell us sissies for not being able to make our own choices in our life; but if we know that our choice will enormously affect our moms psychologically, can we make such choice?

    I sincerely believe that our Muslim ummah need to come out of this situation. If the Messenger of Allah and his noble companions had no problems marrying divorced women, then we should have no problem marrying divorced women either.

    But see, the change has to come from mothers; ie sisters, not from brothers.

    • As salamu alaykum, Stranger,

      Thank you very much for your thoughts, I would like to share some thoughts with you, if you don´t mind.
      I don´t want to be right about any of the thoughts I am sharing, but I think you can make a difference in many people´s life and that is a big responsibility, more when you are the oldest son, I am the oldest daughter too, and we are responsible for the rest of the family almost since we are born. We carry with that and you are young and still strong to carry with the weight but the weight turns heavier with the years, being mother, father, son, brother of all your family is a difficult task and nobody asks us to do it, just our overresponsibility makes us sacrifice our life for all of them and they get used to us being ultraefficient, you are still on time to change that if you want to, insha´Allah.

      You have touched a strong point here, we the women are the mothers, thank you very much for bringing forward this issue.

      Stranger, I have been reading your talks about your relationship with your mother, all that both of you have going through, your struggles as the oldest son and how you would give up your own life to take care of your mother. If anytime my son tells this to me, I would put myself as straight as I can and I would tell him as soft as I can, have your own life, choose the woman you want to marry, have children and bring them to me for spoiling them, but do your own life and for now let me live my life, this is me, I have learnt this through the tough way, but now it is so strong that is grabbed in my Heart.

      Through your words, I don´t see your mother as a fragile woman, just the opposite, an extremely tough, dominant woman; you are a wonderful, soft hearted person and you are consequent with your values, I admire you for that, the fact is that your mother is responsible for that too, she has given you the roots that you have today; I admire her for that too.

      I can tell you about a case that I know very close, it scared me a bit when I read your story because was so close to yours,... the difference is that the boys are twenty years older than you, she is a woman with three sons, she had suffered physical and psycological abuse from her husband during 30 years, she poured all her hopes, love, everything into the three children, all of them tried to have a normal life, they married, but she couldn´t resist competing with the wives, little by little, she was opening a hole in the marriages, all of them are separated, only now she has realized after seeing all the suffering that she caused to her own sons, how selfish she has been, but still now, she hides herself in the weakest of the three sons, ...it is so powerful the crying of a mother, her silence, ....we women have so much power and we are sometimes so cruel with the people we should be the most kind, .... this is just something I wanted to share with you.

      You are not an arm or a leg of your mother, and nobody even your mother can take from you the right to live your own life, engaged, be married, have your own children, you have given all your life to your mother, your Heart cried everynight when she was having a hard time, she has been the light of your life and I can see you as a child, scared that something bad could happen to your mum, and promising Allah(swt) that you would take care of her forever, not giving her a reason to cry anymore, when you are a man.

      Stranger, you are a man now, she is not so fragile, Alhamdulillah, and you have the rigth and the duty to live your life, you will make a favour to her if you do it. That means that you will have an eye on her always, but you need your space and she needs to understand that you are a grown up man detached from her. Other thing is when she cannot take care of herself for any reason, but you mention she travels and moves, Alhamdulillah,then I think this is not the case.

      You can help her to heal her insecurities, teaching to respect you as a grown up man, not just as her son, that doesn´t mean to be harsh, just being straight and fare in your words and acts, you are the example for your youngest brothers, you are the one to open the path for healing in your home, insha´Allah.

      You can make a difference in your family´s life, standing for your own life. Your mother should be the one to encourage you to have your own life, she wanted you to study you did it, you have done everything she wanted you to do, now it is your time, help her and listen to her but you have time now to build up your own limits to live a healthy life. To give up your life for your mother is not healthy, she already has a life of her own, Alhamdulillah.

      It is your turn now, Stranger. You have a vision of life and many aspects of life that is very mature for your age, but seeing your experience and how you had to grow up fast to take care of your family I see why all of this has happened. Forgive yourself, your father and your mother for all what had happened and still happens and pray Allah(swt) to guide you to the best Life you deserve to live, this way everyone around you will have the choice to be their best too, insha´Allah.

      When you will be a father (insha´Allah), and you will learn that you cannot avoid all the damages to your children and you learn also that those mistakes will teach them where to put their limits not to be hurt. We cannot protect our loved ones of everything and we learn through experience that Alhamdulillah, we cannot do it, even if we want to, we have to respect their own process of growing up and learning through experience.

      Just sharing thoughts.

      Thank you very much for listening.

      All my Unconditional Respect,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Long time reader here, new poster here!

        I just had to say Maria, i loved the way you spoke up on your opinion. I see too often grown men having to listen to their mothers. Sometimes it is mostly a cultural situation.But mashallah, you explained it in such a wonderful way. I have met many men whom are almost controlled in this way. It is sad to see as it leaves women like me unmarried. Yes i am a divorced single mother myself. And my marriage was destroyed by an interfering mother in law and a supposed man who listened to her and not know his duty as a husband. Yes, i know upbringing can have a problem But if a man is like the brother above, who would not mind marriage to a divorcee, they are often controlled and dominated by their mothers and fathers to an extent. Yes, one must respect their parents, however, once one marries you have a duty to your wife/husband. It is no wonder outsiders of the religion often think Islam treats a woman as second class citizens. It is not religion it is culture and almost backwardness of the people.

        Allah is fair and just, hence why He allowed the Prophet (pbuh) to marry divorcees and widows himself. This is what Muslims often forget. Khadijah bint Khuwaylid - the love of his life, was previously married herself AND was an older woman. Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) was one of the FEW named virgins he married. He married the divorced woman and widows as to protect them. Unfortunately too often men (and women) close their eyes to this fact and pick and choose for themselves.

        So NO, it not detestable to marry a divorcee. The Prophet (pbuh) practised this himself and he was one of the best of all of us. A shame Muslims of today are not like this.

    • I appreciate your response but I dont think you are entirely correct. Yes, we are supposed to obey our parents but if you continue to read in the quran the following statement it will tell you not to listen if they are asking you to sin. Now, wouldnt you agree that judging people based on their skin color, ethnicity, age or whether they have been divorced or not is a sin? (and I include skin color and age because it seems to be a factor as well for mothers). It's unfortunate that to many people culture over religion and that seems to be the case.

    • salaam,

      wow im really impressed about your honesty. the saddest truth ever. Im muslim and respect my parents more than myself. i understand you. but if allah allows something and mum is contra what allahs allows do you think thats the reason made for that jennah is under mums feet? just to repeat myself you really think you loose jenna because mum doesnt allow someting which is allowed by ALLAH? who are we putting first? Mums jennah reason made from Allah is much bigger than who you are going to marry or what you choose for your own life. its about respecting your mum treat her good dont shout at her be helpful and patient. im a mum also so i really know what im saying. i think the reason why men dont choose divorced women even its there soulmate for earth and paradise its the lack of islamic knowledge replaced by stupidity. sorry sounds cheeky but its truth...

  5. Muslimah97, As-salamu alaykum,

    It's certainly true that there is often a cultural bias in the Muslim world against marrying a divorcee. It has no basis in Islam, and it should not exist. You only have to look at the life of the Prophet (pbuh), who married divorced and widowed women. However, cultural attitudes often prevail. For some parents, there is the question of why the woman was divorced. Is she argumentative, etc? But more often it's simply a cultural stigma with no sound basis.

    I think you will find divorced men are much more open to marrying a divorced woman.

    Personally, as a divorced man, I would have no problem marrying a divorced woman. Since I have a young daughter, I would want a match that would be good for her as well as for me. So I might have concerns about marrying a woman who had sons. I guess it would depend on the personality of the boys. I worry that raising a girl in a home with a boy or boys who are not her mahrams, would be awkward, uncomfortable and maybe irresponsible. I don't know, it's just a concern.

    In general, however, I would have no problem with it, and my parents would accept it as well. Partly because they want me to remarry so they're not going to be picky, and partly because they've been in the USA so long that they have liberalized a bit when it comes to things like this.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • As salamu alaykum, Wael,

      It is a good concern, if they are very little maybe they can grow up as brothers and sisters, but with time parents should be very aware that, at the end, they are not the same blood. Even if the children are very good hearted and inocent, their nature is to be curious. Tough decisions, only Allah(swt) knows.

      You can have a thousand eyes, but better to be responsible on that ,but for a divorced woman to marry having a child (boy or daughter) you can have problems too, Allah forbids, if we worry about the worst, we should be cautious when taken decisions and keep an eye on that, it is a hard time not to be able to trust, what really scares me are the predators, how do you get to know them before they can make the damage? (I know,... I should post my question separetely),... only Allah(swt) knows.

      All my Unconditional Respect,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. As-salamu alaykum,

    i am married man with one daughter , my family is here in saudi arabia , i would like to marry a diorced lady .if there is no much age difference , and my family would not mind it. if any one intrested please let me know .

    • Brother Tahir Malik, Asalaamualaykum,

      This is an advice website. If you wish to look for a spouse, please register your details on the matrimonial site: http://www.zawaj.com

      May Allah make you successful in your search, aameen.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

  7. I dont think there is any harm in marrying a divorced woman or a widow even, most of the wives of Prophet Muhammad (SAW) were divorced or widows, which is a message for us that you should not make as a mandatory criteria that the girl must not have been married before. It is good to have but not MUST to have, and who knows you may spent a better life and get more affection by a divorced woman than an unmarried one. It all depends on the Fate set by Allah Subhanawataala & the intentions that are in ones heart. however sincere prayers can surely change the fate part as well, InshaAllah.

    I believe if our Prophet (SAW) did it we all muslims should do it.

    Best Regards

    Raheel

  8. Asalam alekum..
    How are you? I am currently in a marriage with a man i dont love at all.we have been together for four years but have no kids. We are at the verge of a divorce. I have tried everythin but i cant get those feelings. I got married when i was 19, had no freedom at home, thought when i got married id have it all. I have a sister who is married in the same house and she has two kids with my husband's elder brother. My family is forcing me to go back.they keep sayin i will regret and il never find a man who will love me after im labelled a divorcee. This thing worries me alot. I have sat and thought about it and yes i will admit i have liked another man from another country but he doesnt know of my situation and im scared to tell him incase he lets go of me.we are just realy close friends but i have started to like him. I am going through alot of stress right now. I am worried about my future.. I think will another man even ever want to marry me. I am 25 and not praising myself but i am pretty and hard working. My marriage is a disaster. What do i do? Can anyone advise me? Please.my family is really pushing me to the wall to stick to my husband but how can i force myself. They askin me to sacrifice my life. Why do ladies have to go through so much.why do men get away with everything? Please somebody advice me. Will a man marry a divorcee? And what should i do in my situation? Please please advice!

    • Walaykum as salam, Samy,

      Please log in and submit your question as a post. Thank you.

      A short answer, remember you are still a married lady, you arenot supposed to have a close relationship with any man, you are betraying your husband, sister, stop this relationship, you are playing with fire, literally.

      Log in and we will be able to help you, insha´Allah.

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. As Salaam Alaikum

    I would marry a divorced woman; that is not an issue to me.

    The Deen of a divorced woman can be (or not be) better than the Deen of a woman how has never been married.

    Allah (swt) knows best

    Ma'Salaama
    Jabril

  10. You have nothing to worry about
    99% of all devoresed weman Re marry
    Me I am single and have just started in the pursuit
    of finding a woman to be my wife
    Weather or not she has been married
    has no bearings on anything
    For as long as she and I can love one another
    and share our joys and happiness of each other
    in life that is all that matters
    Joseph

  11. Salaam to all

    I just have one question to those parents who stop their sons to not marry a divorced lady, what if same thing happen with their daughter aswel?

    Today we have become worst than the hindus who used to burn a widow with her husband. why we people have made ours and others lives so complicated.

    • I guess the simple answer is because so many Muslims are drifting from real Islam. When that happens, society falls apart and then such problems become rife.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I know it's not right, but many parents are reluctant because they may feel that their son will end up divorced too.

      However I think parents and family are well within their right to try and stop their son/daughter marrying a divorcee if they feel that the divorcee may have a weakness and might do it again?

  12. Salaamwalaikum,

    I am a 21 year old girl who married ~8months ago, and am in the middle of a divorce at the moment.

    It is interesting to see the response of some of the brothers.

    I would just like to say something, if it manages to make even one person see the situation in a positive light then I have accomplished.

    Personally, I feel that my divorce has brought me closer to Allah swt. I am more mature, and more enforced in the purpose of life. I have become wiser when before I was naive, religion has become a stronger aspect in my life.

    I assure you that sometimes it is NOT the girl's fault that the marriage has not worked, although it is a common misconception that it usually is.

    I am sad about my future when I hear some of the brother's saying they 'cannot marry a divorced woman because of culture'.

    But girls if you were right in your decision, and you believe that you tried your best, and things do not work out, then know this: 'You are not alone, Allah swt is with you, and Allah swt will provide for you'. In times like these, you need to have complete TRUST and FAITH in Allah swt, because after all He is the only one you can have 100% trust on and depend on.

    I do dua for all the divorcees out there, for Allah swt to provide them with good, understanding and loving spouses in future inshAllah.

    W'Salaam.

    • One more thing I would like to say all is that "A marriage is a thing that bonds a husband & a wife together" certainly not the parents of the guy or a girl. Nevertheless, basically Islam has nothing to do with the permission of marriage asking from parents FOR GUYS EXCEPT GIRLS (Wali :- Guardian) . A man is required Guardian if he's mentally ill but for a sound man he doesn't require his parents approval except the girl.

      If my parents do a thing that goes against my Islam then I would definately not listen to them than asking them "Why can't I marry a divorcee, show me a verse from the Quran or a hadith that says so" . Infact, there's nothing such like that than people worried about their status or reply to their society & relatives. But, for such who do things for the cause of ALLAH and pleasing him than pleasing the world certainly has a bright future in this world & hererafter Insha'ALLAH :)

      And forget not ALLAH says in the Qur'an

      Do you think that you will enter Paradise while you have not yet been visited by (difficult) circumstances like those that were faced by the people who passed away before you? They were afflicted by hardship and suffering, and were so shaken down that the prophet, and those who believed with him, started saying: "When (will come) the help of Allah?" Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allah is near!

      {Al-Qur'an (2:214)}

      And it may be that you dislike a thing while it is good for you, and it may be that you love a thing while it is evil for you, and Allah knows, while you do not know.

      {Al-Qur'an (2:216)}

    • Salam Aleikum sister,

      I just want to drop a little message to let you know that I ABSOLUTELY agree with you. 21 myself and married for 5 months and seperated for 2 month and in the middle to a divorce as well. I definetly feel I'm much more closer to Allah swt. Keep having this positive vibe and don't lose hope.

      Best regards

  13. As-Salam Alaikum,

    I would like to share my personal experience with a female who is a divorce with a daughter of 12years, We both were going around since 28 months and all of a sudden we broke up for some reasons. Im just 23yrs but the girl was 29yrs.. As a muslim im ready to get married to a divorce girl.

  14. As'salaamualaikum, there's nothing ashamed of marrying a widow or a divorcee women in Islam. One must rather look for her qualities and her Imaan. For me there's nothing wrong neither I care for virginity ..everything in this world is of ALLAH (SWT) and we all shall return back to Him .. all that counts in is your Deeds not being virgin or not being virgin.

  15. The wali does not not need to give permission regarding a non-virgin's selection for a husband. Proof is:

    The Prophet (SAW) said:

    "A guardian has no concern with a woman previously married and has no husband, and an orphan girl (i.e. virgin) must be consulted, her silence being her acceptance."

    {Sunan of Abu Dawud 2095, Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas}

    This does not negate the saying of The Prophet (SAW),

    "No marriage is valid without a wali." (Ahmed and others )

    because the wali is still believed to be needed for the performing or agreement of the actual marriage contract. He cannot, however, hold up the marriage due to feeling he has to approve it first, in the case of a non-virgin.

    The wali is also not mandated to be needed for the seeking or selecting of the husband for a woman who is not a virgin. The proposal may be straight to the non-virgin. Proof is as follows:

    Malik bin Anas (RA) told us from 'Abdallah bin yazid (RA)- freed slave of al-aswad bin sufyan- from Abu Salma bin AbdalRahman from Fatimah, daughter of Qays who said,: Her husband divorced her and the Apostle of Allah ordered her to fullfil the 'Iddah in the house of Ibn Umm Maktum before she could lawfully remarry, and told her to let him know when she had become lawful for remarriage. When the time had come, she told him that Mu'awiyah bin Abu Sufyan and Abu Jahm had proposed to her...

    Umm Salamah, a widowed woman, was proposed in marriage by Abu Bakr, and refused. Then she was proposed to by Umar and she refused. Then she was proposed to by Prophet Muhammad (SAW) and accepted. [source: The Alim for Windows release 4.51, Biography of Umm Salamah (RA)]

    The wali, is, however, highly recommended for new reverts, who some argue are as innocent as virgins since all sins prior to accepting Islam are forgiven.

    This also does not negate or contradict the following: The Prophet (SAW) also is reported to have said,

    "When a woman marries without the permission of her wali, then her marriage is not valid, not valid, not valid." (Ahmad, Tirmidhi and others)

    Because a non-virgin does not even need a wali for the actual selection of a husband, so this hadith is applying only to the virgin.

    Once again, the wali is still needed for the actual marriage contract and cannot stop it by not approving of the selection from a non-virgin. The wali is also not needed for the actual proposal to non-virgins. However, a third-party must still be present; the non-virgin and a potential husband are NOT in any way exempt from the rule not to be alone together.

    The wali's role is different between representing a virgin and a non-virgin. A virgin is not expected to know anything about men, and it would be foolish to let her screen her own men prior to marriage. Women who have previously been married have the benefit of knowing a little something about men by this point, but she should not get too strong-headed and think she knows men as well as other men do. There is much benefit in having a wali; it is a RIGHT and PRIVILEDGE, not a burden, to have a wali!

    The question is not really whether a wali is needed, but to what extent he is needed. For a non-virgin, he is not needed for the selection process or to give approval. And some consider new reverts "virgins" for all practical purposes, because their life is starting with a clean slate upon accepting Islam.

  16. Dear,

    Assalam-o-Alaikum,

    As for marrying the divorced or widowed women i don't see any reason why one should not marry them. like all you women some time it happens to the men as well that they were asked by their family to marry the girl who is not compatible to him i feel it is very hard for both of them to live togather but over the period of time thy both compromise because of the kids and the family. Normally in our culture if any married men would like to go for a second marriage which is permisable by the religion itself then why their family and the family of the girl normally opposed. I agree one should need a person who should respect, should give love, should be compromissing understanding above all carring to him/her. i myself is looking for such a life partner who should be a friend and have all these above qualities. yes i am married and have kids and i will not leave my first wife, if it is acceptable to any one i am open.

  17. hello all, I have recently married with my husband and I have no children.

    (Amreen, please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  18. it all a lie. No guy cann marry a divorced girl. Coz his family wont allow. I am suffering with this, his family has blamed me for wrong things...and he cannot marry me against his family. nor i want the same. It's all a lie. When it actually comes to marry the divorce/widow girl, no one will come forward...coz not everyone has a big and selfless heart as our beloved Prophet (PBUH)

    please girls, dont have hopes on nyone nymore. WE have gone thru enuff off trauma in life as divorce/widow...we do not need another one. Just pray hard to Allah that He puts some hidayat on such narrow-minded people.

    I am sorry for this outburst. but it's too much for me to bear at sucha a young age. :(

    • Nope you're wrong. No one should lose hopes, only the ignorant one loses hopes. Every divorcee and widow WILL find a great partner with Allahs will and mercy. Just because if someone cannot marry the person they wish due to the given reason, it doesn't mean thats the end of the world for them. It just means that, they are not meant for you. Allah knows best.
      Regarding calling men who doesn't wish to marry divorcee or widows as ' narrow-minded ' is completely false. Every human being has their own choice, opinions, preferances etc in finding a spouse. Not everyone is same, we are all unique. Many of us remained honest and chaste throughout our lives and never married, so when our marriage time comes, most probably we will obviously wish to marry a person who've been down the same road as us. This is normal and not narrow-minded. He/she who thinks that this is narrow minded is narrow minded themselves. Normally, a divorcee would marry a divorcee and so on. But there are cases where single marry divorcees too. So dont rule that out. Just have patience and wait for Allah's mercy. Hope for the best.

      • i am not talking bout the guys not marrying divorcee/widow. It their family who don't want a daughter in law with that marital status. I am not losing hope, but its just depressing to see whtat kinda ppl exist in this world. and how retarded their thinkin can be.!!

  19. Assalam Alekum wa rahmatullahi barkatohu,

    I am simple Muslim guy who is live with family and doing simple daily job and having little bit knowledge of islaam, I am not married and wants to share my opinion. I am also not want misguide any of you because of my lack of knowledge so if some where I am wrong say me I am trying to correct myself. Rabbi Ziddni Ilman

    Some people say boys never marry divorce women because of our culture, no it’s totally wrong because our religion is complete and in Quran Sharif Allah SWT said This is the Book (Quran); there is no doubt in it. It is a guide for those who are mindful of Allah[Surat Al-Baqara: 2]. He also says in surat Al-Mae’dah, (Verse 3) what can be translated as, "Today, I have completed your deen, and have completed my bliss upon you and accepted for you Islam as a deen." The problem is many people here is Muslim but not close to religion because of that their imaan or believe is very week, hence some people says “it all a lie, No guy can marry a divorced girl”, some person say why should we marry our boy to divorce women. If we have knowledge about our religion then we have answer of all questions. And we try to explain this to people who not aware of Islamic view.

    1.Why unmarried guy marry or not with divorce girl.
    As my persnal view I want to marry a girl relate to my age means 24 to 27 age and wants virgin, educated Muslim close to religion, not rich not poor means as like our status, working at home not like to wash cloths and all but know how to complete house works, wants a independent girl, girl whose I have to trust, understanding, slim trim and fair or like acceptable in beauty, girl which is close to our religion which helps to make my Deen and Duniya better. When I look her she is comfort to my eyes. When see in her eyes I want to look myself. I know that it’s impossible to find out but yes I have dream of my future spouse.

    And if someone who ask for me to marry divorce women then first I have to say No, because I thought I don’t deserve it. In my mind I have many dreams because of that. Note that it’s my personal view

    And like my dreams some of my family dreams are same. My mother and father say why we do this to our son he never deserve this. We want better girl who is best in this world.

    Try to think as mother view, you cook something for you children like you cook something in yesterday, and today you cook something then what you want to give to your children, definitely which is best according to you, today which food you cook you want to give this to your child because it is fresh. Hence every mother wants good for their child. But she didn’t knows this is really good for our child or not but its intension is right Allah SWT know what is good.

    And they say: “How is it that not a sign is sent down on him from his Lord?” Say: “The unseen belongs to Allah Alone, so wait you, verily I am with you among those who wait (for Allah’s Judgment).”{Surah Yunus, Ayah 20}

    In case if Allah SWT made some feeling in my hearts related to any divorce women, who’s I saw and feel this is the girl I want in my life because he is everything which I want my life then I am try to think about to marry divorce women, and after that I am try to convince my family to do my marriage to this girl, first of all my parents not ready for that I know but If she is really a good girl and close to islam then she has many good and best thing in her character, and because of that my struggle may be work. There is a many halaal way to convience family and I am tried to do. May be I am try to do good thing or my intention is also good but it is not compulsory the thing is happen. “Nothing is good coming from me its only coming from Allah.”

    Rabbana atina min ladunka rahmatan wahayyilana min amrina rashada(Our Lord! bestow on us Mercy from Thyself, and dispose of our affair for us in the right way! )Surah Al-Kahf (18:10)

    But in case I am fail and my parents not want this relation. Then what you think, what I have to do. I have to go against to my family and wants to pressurize thorough emotion and saying hurtful word like I want to kill myself or want to run with this girl and live separate with this girl or I don’t want to marry another girl or doing something like not eating , doing arguments, not listen anything my family. You don’t think I am tried to do something big sins to hurt my family. Is there any unmarried girl who is wants to marry a divorce guy? If girls ready to marry then is there family is ready for doing this? Why because parents wants good for our child.

    Prophet Muhammad (saw) told Muslim men, "the best among you is the one who is best to his family."

    2.Why married guy marry or not with divorce girl.

    If I don’t like someone who divorce hence I don’t want to marry this girl. And if divorce girl not like me then why I force her relation made, if both of them agree with mutual understanding. Then we have to proceed
    As my view men’s always first prefer to marry I girl who is not marry before, If I am married man then I have to honest with my wife and only live with my wife and face any problem with her. And if there is some issue like she is not well and may be some issue related to baby birth or any health issue then I have to sit with her and talk with her what we have to do, if we ready to want baby with another women and she also ready for that then I have to marry another girl divorce or not for the requirement of baby for my wife and my family and also I have to share all rights of my wife with new girl.

    “Whatever is with you, will be exhausted, and whatever with Allah (of good deeds) will remain. And those who are patient, We will certainly pay them a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do.” 16:96

    if I saw some another girl divorce or not, which is good in her religion and no one with this girl to support and give security and money then I have to talk to my wife to marry this girl for sake of Allah SWT to provide security and support and if my wife is fine for my decision and I have believe in myself I give equal rights of my wife to both women and not doing anything wrong to any of them then I have to move forward to do accept a divorce women hand. There are many issues first we have to think on that point after that we have to go forward.

    I have read somewhere men having a permission to marry four times according to sunnah but not having proper Hadis, but with this we don’t have to ignore the process(agree with both husband and wife and also with another girl) for making this decision. And may be Allah SWT knows everything and because of that gives all information regarding our life through Quran and Hadis.

    The Prophet (saws) said, "I am leaving two things among you, and if you cling to them firmly you will never go astray; one is the Book of Allah and the other is my way of life."

  20. As a muslim woman aged 32 who is now getting a divorce..these are the questions that linger my mind....i married a european man who was agnostic and the marriage collapsed due too much differences.

    My preference is to ofcourse find a well educated divorced muslim man who would not mind my past.

    i met a lovely man ,his a sindhi from pakistan....he knows my story as his someone i have known. He doesnt mind my status but i mind his, his never married...and comes from a conservative society worse than mine: am somali, and i know his family will bring issues...so i dont think i will even think of pursuing such a relationship,it will be another dillemma.he seems serious and wants us to marry.

    I believe we should have a matrimonial website for divorced males and females so that we meet each other..you will do alot of justice to the women. Everyone deserves a second or even a third chance at love.why judge let Allah judge us all.

  21. Salam sisters and brothers...

    I was also divorced woman and it always comes to my mind if I will ever get married again to a Muslim man who can just accept me for what I am and my past... And I know it'll be hard... Let's accept the fact that Muslim family the mother always has something to say about their sons future wife... Wether he is married before or not they always want a virgin woman for their son... I know because my exhusband was an Arab and its always an issue in the family when someone is getting married wether the girl is Virginia and if she's pretty...

    I came from a Christian family and Christian country and hamdulillah I am the only Muslim in the family but they didn't say anything about my religion... If we notice in most Christian country men don't mind if the girl is divorced/ separated as long as they can get married... Means their parents doesn't have issues if the girl is virgin or not, divorced or never been married, instead they are after their child's happiness... As long as the girl will be a good wife for their son...

    I'm not telling here that we should follow Christianity, I just want to sight that if Muslim parents will not see a girl as a divorced woman then it'll be better... As our prophet (SAW) married the widowed, divorced as well as virgin woman not just because he wants too but because he wants to take care of this woman... I just hope Muslim parents should also think the same, about how our prophet(saw) married those woman because of his love to Allah. The Prophet (SAW) didnt tell us to avoid divorced or widowed woman, but rather he teach us to be fair and take care of those woman...See none of us wants to be widowed or to be divorced but this is our destiny...
    Some parents is open to multiple marriage but not to divorced / widowed woman... But what is the reason why Allah allows a believer to marry 4wives?

    We should also pray for those parents who is close minded about this thing that may Allah open their mind to what Islam teaches us... Inshallah some scholar will see the increasing number of divorcee and find a solution or ways to support divorced woman...

    • 'Alaykumsalam,

      I agree with your post that people have to reform their thinking that not all divorcees are bad and they should not generalize. They should take each case into consideration and follow-up if interested. But as usual, everyone has their own rights to choose who they wish.

      I disagree with this statement,

      If we notice in most Christian country men don't mind if the girl is divorced/ separated as long as they can get married... Means their parents doesn't have issues if the girl is virgin or not,divorced or never been married, instead they are after their child's happiness...

      I am not generalizing, but most christian families have no problem whether their children marry a divorce or widow or non believer or virgin etc NOT MAINLY because they wish happiness for them but ALSO because they don't mind. For example, They don't mind if their son bring his girlfriend over to their home and stay over maybe, they don't mind if their daughter bring over her boyfriend, they don't mind if their son stayed over some girls home, they don't mind if their children marry non christians, they don't mind if their son or daughter go on a date, they don't mind clubbing, alcohol etc, they don't mind if their daughter in law slept with 10 men, they don't mind of the reasons for the divorce etc etc. Basically, its their way of life, its called freedom and liberty which they believe is the aim of life. It becomes their way of thinking etc and so they go along the moto 'YOLO'- You only live once. Now imagine the above scenario in most muslim families, obviously it won't be tolerated and you can imagine worst. Now I'm not merely giving ideas, I'm talking from experaince. My revert mother's whole family including my own edler step sister, extended family and so on are christians and I saw their way of life. Many of my christian friends too have exactly the same way of life though they belong to way different countries. My mother also asks me and my brother whether we have girlfreinds that she could meet and they think their thinking is normal but my strict religious father, with Allah's will, made me, my bro and my mum into great muslims alhamdulilah. Once I was in my friends home, he brought over his long time girlfriend and his mom and dad gave her a kiss, now our Prophet would cut off Aisha's hand if she were to steal. This is the difference between corruption in the former and purity in the latter. We don't need to compare muslims and non muslims way of life as obviously we will find great differences and so we just need to follow Quran and prophet's way of life.

  22. In a way, you can consider it a blessing when someone is honest enough to reject you due to his parents' preferences. Why? Because you are able to see what kind of person this is before you get too deeply involved. If he is not the type of person to stand up for you and his choices before marriage, this is something that will almost certainly become even more pronounced after marriage. Don't misunderstand me...I do respect people who listen to their parents and take their opinions into consideration. But people like this shouldn't be getting involved with women in the first place, leading them on and then breaking their hearts because their parents have decided that they are not suitable matches. If you know that your parents have certain preferences, and you intend to abide by them, then you should not be considering other types of women for marriage until you first get things settled with your parents.

    As for divorced women (and men), I think in many cases they can make good partners because the experience of marriage and divorce has probably caused them to mature in ways that only someone who has been through such an experience can. I suppose it depends on the reason for divorce in the first place, but I would imagine that most divorced people have taken time to reflect on their shortcomings and on what they would do differently in a second marriage. The main concern anyone should have when marrying a second time is the children that each spouse is bringing into the marriage. Their safety and emotional well-being should not ever be compromised for a second marriage. Sadly, I believe the children of divorced parents are often very unhappy when their parents remarry. It takes people who are very mature and grounded in faith to make such unions work. Both of my parents are remarried to different people, and this has caused numerous issues over the years. Although I believe that both my mother and father are better spouses in their second marriages, my siblings and I were often neglected in order for these new relationships to develop and prosper.

  23. Dear Sisters,

    Assalam-o-Alaykum WR

    i Have read all the greviances mentioned above, to me why not one can marry a divorced women but it should be clear before getting into any kind of commitment that why she got divorced or taken divorce because you have to be honest with each other before getting into any other relationship so you will not make the mistake again. i agree as someone mentioned above that divorced parent are mostly good parents they usually try to learn from their mistakes and the key to have any kind of relationship is ignorance and forgiveness. Like one Sahaba Raziallah u Tala AH said that forgive others as you expect the same from your Allah Subhanhu Tala when you are asking for your forgivness.

    yes i do agree that as it is mentioned in Quran that marry two, three and even four times if you like to but if you cannot keep the equal justice among all four wives then only marry once. Here most of the brother does not quote the second part. Alhumdulliliah Islam is the only religion who has given the equal respect to the women and at some places more then a men.

    So in my eyes marrying a divorced or widowed women is not at all wierd or disgrace of any kind it would rather a healthy relationship and and patching up a broken heart is always a good deed in the eyes of Allah Subhanhu Tala. if i have been given a chance i would

    JK-Khayr

  24. Salam Aleikum.

    I know the creations of this post, is long time ago, but I thought I would share my thoughts on it anyways, and maybe give some hope for divorced Muslim sisters, who feel down due to the fear of not remarrying.

    I am in the process of getting married to the woman of my dreams (I have never been married before). I have met girls before her, and none of them has been close to being as good for me, as this woman I am now marrying, insha'Allah. I don't want to 'compare' people to each other, but let us be honest with ourselves, we all wish for the best in life! I have without a doubt, found my best, in life. She has such strong character, she is so soft with me but also harsh and honest! She is a very strong, very intelligent, very independent young woman (23 years of age). She carries herself like a true princess, takes nothing for granted, she is a good, God fearing Muslim, Masha'Allah. I have never loved a woman before she showed me what love means. Oh, and did I mention that she is a divorced woman?

    A man who wants the best for himself, will never exclude the possibility that the best woman for him, might be a divorcee. Best is not = virgin. A divorced non-virgin woman, is halal by all means, she has not done anything haraam to lose her virginity. So why exclude a good woman, that has done nothing wrong, simply because she is not a virgin? I think a lot of men, has low self esteem and are afraid they cannot live up to their wife's expectation, if she has experience from a past husband. No divorced woman, should have to settle for a man 'that weak'. All women, divorced or not, deserves the best man, for you are all mothers, and if a man can not honor, love and respect his wife, just because she has been married before, then he will bring shame to his own mother.

    To me it seems that a lot of men feel stronger love to a woman's virginity, than to the woman herself! If they are right about that, does that mean all men should stop caring after their first night together, as a married couple? That is silly.

    Sorry if I sidetracked a bit, but it frustrates me to know that a lot of good sisters, are being emotionally hurt and disappointed, by a lot of weak brothers. Brothers, treat women, the way you treat your mother! Treat your wife, the way you think your father should treat your mother! It does NOT matter, if a woman is a divorcee or not, any man who has the unconditional love and affection, from a good woman, divorced or not, is truly BLESSED! So make yourself worthy of that love and blessing! And to all the divorced sisters out there, do not be discouraged by blind men, who thinks little of themselves, and because of that projects his own low self esteem back to you. Be patient, do not marry the first willing man, unless you are sure that the man is right for you! Just because you are a divorced woman, it does NOT mean you should 'settle'! You deserve the BEST man, regardless! That is why I try everyday, to be the best man, to my fiancée! God knows she deserves it!

    Go with peace all brothers and sisters, open your eyes and your hearts!

    • SimpleMuslimMan -

      Wa'alaikumussalaam,

      Wow! You have surely given us all hope. Thank you and jazakAllah khairan.

      May Allah SWT bless your marriage, aameen.


    • A man who wants the best for himself, will never exclude the possibility that the best woman for him, might be a divorcee. Best is not = virgin. A divorced non-virgin woman, is halal by all means, she has not done anything haraam to lose her virginity. So why exclude a good woman, that has done nothing wrong, simply because she is not a virgin? I think a lot of men, has low self esteem and are afraid they cannot live up to their wife's expectation, if she has experience from a past husband. No divorced woman, should have to settle for a man 'that weak'. All women, divorced or not, deserves the best man, for you are all mothers, and if a man cannot honor, love and respect his wife, just because she has been married before, then he will bring shame to his own mother.
      To me it seems that a lot of men feel stronger love to a woman's virginity, than to the woman herself! If they are right about that, does that mean all men should stop caring after their first night together, as a married couple? That is silly.

      Sorry if I sidetracked a bit, but it frustrates me to know that a lot of good sisters, are being emotionally hurt and disappointed, by a lot of weak brothers. Brothers, treat women, the way you treat your mother! Treat your wife, the way you think your father should treat your mother! It does NOT matter, if a woman is a divorcee or not, any man who has the unconditional love and affection, from a good woman, divorced or not, is truly BLESSED! So make yourself worthy of that love and blessing! And to all the divorced sisters out there, do not be discouraged by blind men, who thinks little of themselves, and because of that projects his own low self esteem back to you. Be patient, do not marry the first willing man, unless you are sure that the man is right for you! Just because you are a divorced woman, it does NOT mean you should 'settle'! You deserve the BEST man, regardless! That is why I try every day, to be the best man, to my fiancée! God knows she deserves it!

      SubhanaAllah! This is exactly my thoughts and frustration. I felt that I was the one typing all that.
      Today, it’s so sad to see where the Ummah is heading to. It has even got to the point where a woman is being rejected by men, just because another man came with the intention of marrying her and then didn’t proceed with the nikah. She is being rejected since she had felt the desire to be married to that man, and the men feel jealous due to that. If men are jealous because a woman has felt the desire of getting married to another man, then how would they feel when the woman was a divorcee , or a widow or a revert? What kind of love is this? Is this the way the Prophet (s.a.w.s) taught us to love?

      There are two types of love. The compassionate love and the lust love. Few men happen to love through the compassionate love, and most men happen to love through the lust love. And the difference between the two is that, in the compassionate love you are not blind and therefore are able to see the many secret of blessings that Allah has placed in your spouse. This blessings increase your desire and lust for your spouse and never decreases. Whereas in the lust love, you are blind and therefore can’t even feel the reality of your spouse, you just feel the lust, and then when the lust is gone after sometime, you can’t love your spouse any longer since the love was based on lust, and the lust is gone.

      The Prophet (s.a.w.s) really loved and enjoyed all the women he married without feeling the slightest of jealousy about the past men in their lives. And part of the reason why he didn’t feel that way is that he was the best of all those past men, and the best man does not feel jealous in such a manner, instead he proves that he is the best ever. Those who follow the foot-steps of the Prophet (s.a.w.s) and then love their spouses through the compassionate love, also feel that they are the best of all men, so rather than being jealous, they prove that they are truly the best. These are the real men who are not blinded by the lust love, and who see and feel through the compassionate love.


      "And of His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquility in them; and He planted love and compassion between you. In this are signs for people (and for true lovers) who reflect."
      (Quran 30: 21)

      I hope that some of my brothers and sisters will wake up from the lust love someday, and then love through the compassionate love Insha Allah.

      • cant believe men with thoughts like these exist!

        Today, it’s so sad to see where the Ummah is heading to. It has even got to the point where a woman is being rejected by men, just because another man came with the intention of marrying her and then didn’t proceed with the nikah. She is being rejected since she had felt the desire to be

    • what lucky girl she is, Mashallah!
      May Allah bless your marriage.

  25. Ive been always looking for a topic like this and Im so glad I finally found it here.
    Marriage is hard for divorcees' especially women in desi culture Idk y. I personally have experienced it twice even tho ppl try to act all islamic and holy but there so contradictory wen it comes to this. No offense to the hyderabadi ppl but according to their customs they are not allowed to marry a divorced grl, its supposedly bad to bring sumone like that in their family. Now this is from my personal experience im not generalizing everyone but it really pisses me off cuz most try to act all holy and then do this?

    There are many other desis that wudnt want to marry a divorcee becuz of obvious reasons: First thing theyll ask is did u consummate the marriage? OR flat out ask Are you a Virgin? Do you have children? I could understand why someone would ask this cuz it can be hard to adjust but seriously ppl will just throw questions like theyve never done anything, there all pure and want an "untouched" grl. Well, hello, welcome to the 21st century. What bothers me is most of these desi guys can think its okay to do everything in the world with women prior to marriage and no one says anything to them but wen it comes to a divorcee grl she's looked down upon? It doesnt make a person more or less deserving of a nice guy or grl if they consummated, or not. I just cant stand how many ppl have this backward thinking.

    The Prophet (SAW) married divorced women to set an example for our Ummah to follow but I feel as if many of these muslims are coming up with their own rules and just hurting other muslims more and more, they will definitely be asked by Allah on the day of judgement.

    Just becuz a women is divorced we cant automatically think of the worst and negative for her like its all her fault. Sumtimes things arent destined to be. Islam hasnt made marriage difficult its us humans that complicate things.

    The worst thing a women or man can have is someone judging them becuz of their past. There is a reason why its in their past. Many aunties, uncles, family members, brothers, sisters, of the guy/grl will literally pick apart the persons head or humiliate the grls family especially like its all their fault.

    I wish these ppl that discriminate against divorcees wud realize its no one's fault, and get a reality check since they are so hypocritical.

    I personally dont know if there are any good guy's left in this world that wudnt judge a grl (speaking from my experience) the only ones I really saw were non-muslim sadly wen muslims are the ones that are supposed to set the example for others to follow.

    It makes me so sad and hurt thinking this is how ppl think of someone wen sumtimes its not even there fault?

    to me, marriage is a far away dream now. I dnt even think abt anymore I used too but its disappointing the way ppl have treated me for being a divorcee and im sure others as well. Its like u see everyone getting married and then u wish that too, but after some time ur heart just accepts that u dont know anymre?

    May Allah make it easy for all those that are divorced or whatever there situation may be find nice loving caring partners Ameen.

    • Salam sister Noor,

      I completely agree with you. I myself am divorced but have kids. People see me and think I am bad just because I am divorced! They don't think why did she get divorced? I mean people don't get divorced for fun. There are different types of divorces. There are those who where both spouses cant get on or arn't campatible. There are those where one spouce abuses the other or violates their right. In this type of divorce one spouce is the victim. We are both victims of abusive marriages.

      Sadly people do not care to find out these facts before judging a person. They think all divorce women must have done something bad to break the marriage. Or the usual one that some people from the stone ages still believe is that women should stay in the marriage no matter how bad things get. That they will get rewarded by staying with an abusive husband untill death! In the asian and middle Eastern community women are expected to only come out of a marriage via a coffin not before!

      Sometimes I also find that non muslims do not dicriminate women wether they are divorced, widowed disabled, dark skin etc etc. they are more accepting. Its ironic it should be the other way round!

      Sister I have accepted it that people will always judge me no matter what. But i should'nt care about them because what matters is Allah's judgement on me. Allah knows me inside out. Allah knows my life, my feelings noone else!

      Nowadays I only get proposals from men who want residency from me. And I am 99% sure they will leave me once they get their passport! I don't want to take the 1% risk! I don't want my kids to get hurt again. It may be a blessing from Allah that you do not have kids. It maybe easier to get married. Don't give up hope. But don't make it your main persuit in life. Why don't you look for a man in the same situation as you? Divorced or even with kids? As long as he is a good person.

      Sister we always pray for the perfect husband. And he never shows up! Because he doesn't exist! Not on earth anyway. If Allah wills and you go to heaven you will surely find the husband your heart desires! You will be the happiest women. So sister don't look for Mr perfect in this world. Just look for someone who will do the job for now. Marriage isn't a prison sentence for women, thats why Allah has allowed divorce so people can free themselves from abusive spouses!

      So don't look into people too much, try to compromise as much as you can. Let go of some and keep others (personality, looks, character). Inshallah you will find someone who will bring you joy and give you a lovely family. : ) xxxx

      • Assalaammualaikum sister Noor and Sumaira,

        I have been through the same situations as you both have mentioned and it would be really really great if we all could know each other better and support one another. What do you say?

      • @Sumaira:

        Salaam sister, thanks for the nice reply.
        I like how u pointed out and made a gud point that its better to accept that ppl will and continue to always judge u, but in Allahs eyes' we mean more; he knows wuts in our hearts and feelings.

        I guess u can say its a blessing but I dont want anyone to feel bad that does have kids becuz its not gunna or a sin they committed. Im sure there are nice ppl in this world too. But yea its really hard to overcome from an abusive marriage and then try to trust again, may Allah make it easy for us.

        I totally agree with u plz dnt let sumone marry for legal status cuz its so sad thats all there after, and thats exactly what happened to me. Idk if I can generalize everyone, but majority yes. Maybe ur situation wud fit best with someone that is also divorced and has kids? That way u both can relate better & understand one another.

        I think for me it wud be a little more difficult to understand sumone that has kids, but u never know I think there situation plays a big factor too. There is no such thing as a "perfect husband" cuz if we strive to look for one we know that that will never happen and vice versa. We all have sum flaws, and arent perfect but opposites attract and Im sure that the two balance on another out as well.

        I dont think its gud to rush cuz this is definitely an important decision and of course no one wants to understand miserable God forbid. As far as compromising, yes one needs to be flexible or else its gna be tough. To be honest the thought of arranged marriage scares me at times or makes me nervous but wen my mom tells me that sumtimes it works for ppl and doesnt mean all are bad, that gives sum assurance. So yes definitely will agree that u have to keep ur options open.

        To me most important thing is ppl have to understand one another and have a good friendship or at least try to make one. :)

        I really hope things get easy for u and u meet sumone thats suitable for u inshAllah. And its okay to have kids, thats life things happen dnt work out no ones fault. But dnt wrry u will meet him iA.

        tc

        --N

      • Sometimes I also find that non muslims do not dicriminate women wether they are divorced, widowed disabled, dark skin etc etc. they are more accepting. Its ironic it should be the other way round!

        I have same experience.

        i find many muslim men as hypocrates,when they accuse western world of being raccist but when it comes to choosing a wife no one can beat them on raccism. they would discriminate on colour, cast, language, education, financial status .... anything and everything.

        • I totally agree 100% I am finding people who are from my own community are the worse for lying especially when coming hiding behind masks for marriage. Totally unacceptable and disgraceful no shame in lying at all better off being single in my opinion.

  26. Walaykum salam H,

    That would be great. But I don't think the editors will allow it. You can probably just make comments here I think sister.

    • @ Sumaira & H:
      Salaam,

      Sumaira I right I Dnt think the editors will allow unless u try to make a profile thru gravatar which is linked to
      Wordpress.

      • Wsalaam dear sisters Noor and Sumaira,

        Yes, I think you both are right, but finding like-minded people seems such a blessing - how I wish there was another way!

        Anyway, may Allah shower His blessings on you both and grant you righteous spouses, aameen :)

  27. The man I truly loved married a divorced woman so yes I think it is possible for you to find someone regardless of you being divorced or not. Trust in Allah.

    • Yes. Trust in Allah. The complete trust in Allah, is the solution.

      • Salam,

        Yes trusting Allah is the solution to all life's problems, but a husband will not fall out of the sky. We have to make efforts too.

        sometimes going through divorce makes you more stronger and wiser but it can also go the other way and make you more sensitive and vulnerable.

        There are definitly men who will marry a divorcee. But mostly these are the immigration seekers from other muslim countries. They take advantage of these vulnerable women's situation and lure them into marraige only to leave them crushed and heartbroken once they recieve their citizenship! Then they go back to their own country and marry a young virgin!

        Women can bear their heart getting broken once, but TWICE! She can have a mental breakdown.

        The stigma of divorce and the uncertainty of a second marriage eats away at women every day
        That's why many women are terrified to embark on a second marriage. Only Allah knows what is concealed in the heart.

        Even if we do ishtikara before marriage we will not see what the person's intention is. People put on an act to get whatever they want.

        Its a big problem with society still. People looking for a wife or daughter in law will usually look for material things such as, beauty, virginity or never been married, education and wealth. What about how religious they are? What about their character, personality? Are they loving, caring, faithful? These things don't matter any more. Its really sad.

        Even a divorced man will choose a young beautiful untouched girl over a loving, kind and religious divorcee. Its like buying a product from a shop. You want the packaging to be sealed, brand new and dazzling product! Shouldn't people marry someone for their taqwa and good character or is this something totally unheard of?.

        • AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister Sumaira,

          you are very right. It is trusting in Allah plus efforts that leads to success. This is really what I believe in. Perhaps I may just say "trusting in Allah" sometimes but in reality I mean "plus making the efforts to achieve what you want".

          So do not worry my sisters, just continue trusting Allah, while you keep your doors opened. He will guide to you many blessings. Ameen

          Also, one thing I have heard is that, part of the problem is that some of the men our sisters may be expecting might be married already, while our sisters wanted them single. As there could be many pious men around where you live or in your home countries who are already married, but would be happy to have you in their family. Have you tried that side too? You could even leave where you live, and then travel to stay with them in your home countries or wherever they are living, without them traveling to your place for any citizenship. What do you think about this? Have you tried it?

          • Walaikum Salam,

            Thank you brother for your kind suggestions for sisters in this situation. But in reality it is not that simple. Men in my home country would not marry a women from a western country unless she is giving him citizenship. He will not be willing to look after me phisically and financially. I also do not have the credentials to seek employment there. also I do not want to make life more harder for my kids by moving to an unfamiliar place.

            Again there is the trust issue and uncertainty whether this man is genuine or not? what if he gets bored and divorces me then I will be homeless and on the streets! At least here I have my family for support. So the risks are huge.

            I understand your point about adopting into a second wife. But polygamy is not for everyone. I know it is permissible in Islam, however some women cannot bear it. I am one of them. I can share anything but not a husband. I would rather stay single then. If you imagine you had to share your wife with another man how you would feel? This is exactly how I would feel. Just because I am a women does not mean I will feel less pain or less jealousy. We are all human and posses the same human emotions. This is something I will not be able to deal with I will have a mental breakdown even thinking that my husband is talking romantically to another women.

            Husbands have the right to have their wives all to themselves and have their 100% attention so why can't I desire the same just because I am a women? Besides I need a full-time husband who is there for me and my kids 24/7 as I need physical and emotional support.

            Its just really devastating when you see the state our ummah is in now. I mean I know its bad to say this but I always see the non muslim men being kind and compassionate to everyone especially their wife's and treating them like a queen. On the train they offer their sits. The muslim guys with long beard just sit there while the old lady stands. At work

        • AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister Sumaira,

          In fact, I was thinking that, just as our respected sisters (with experience) may expect our respected brothers (with no experience) to be able to marry them, our brothers may also expect that our sisters are able to allow them the right of polygyny when necessary. If this case is resolved, it may help reduce many of the problems in our society.

          As there could be many pious men out there who are married to one spouse, but they cannot marry other pious women who are in need of marriage, just because their wives cannot tolerate polygyny, or just because the other woman in need of marriage cannot bear polygyny. So in the end, the world becomes full of corruption due to that.

          So to me, what is best is that we should trust in Allah, and then leave the rest of the matters to Him to take care of. We (both men and women) should train our heart and work on our desires and feelings (jealousy in particular), and learn how to compromise with what we never thought we could ever tolerate, as long as it’s halal. Perhaps, our best happiness in life could come from where we never expected. As the Ayah goes,,, "But it may be that you dislike something while it is good for you, and it may be that you like something while it is bad for you. Allah knows, and you do not know." (Quran 2: 216)

          "…And whoever fears Allah—He will make a way out for him. And will provide for him from where he never expected. Whoever relies on Allah—He will suffice him. Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has set a measure to all things…..Whoever fears Allah—He will make things easy for him."
          (Quran 64: 2-4)

          As to whether the man is genuine or not, just make sure you have trusted family members to investigate him for you, while you put all your trust in Allah through Istikharah. If this side is settled and you both agree to get married, you may then sign a paper contract (through the court) in which, you request that he must look after you and your daughter physically and financially, and that in the case of a divorce he must buy you and your daughter two return tickets to where you came from. You may also include in the contract that, he should allow you to travel (or at least travel with you) to see your family once in a while.

          What do you think about this?

          "...And when you make a decision, put your trust in Allah; Allah loves the trusting. (Quran 3: 159)

          As to the comparison between Muslim men and non-Muslim men concerning the compassionate true love, I don’t think we need to do it. As there are really far differences between what we understand to be the compassionate true love and what they understand it to be. As there are some specificities in the compassionate Islamic true love, which you can never find in any kind of love on earth. Among these specificities is the feeling of growing closer to Allah through helping each other, and the feeling of loving each other for the sake of Allah, plus both you and your spouse shall be shaded by the shade of Allah on the day when there is no shade except His…The Prophet (s.a.w.s) said: “Allah will ask on the Day of Judgment: ‘Where are those who loved each other for the sake of My glory? Today, - on a day when there is no shade but mine – I shall shade them with My shade.” [Sahîh Muslim (2566)]

          Also, part of the reason why the non-Muslims may not have any problem being with any person who has a past, is because having a past to them is something common, and most of them may even encourage it before marriage, whereas the issue is the contrary in the Muslim society. As it’s natural for any man on earth (Muslim or non-Muslim) who has stayed untouched his entire life to expect someone the same in return. This is why you see it happening in most Muslim societies, because Muslims are trained not to go near any Haram relationships, and therefore are expected to be untouched by the time they are ready for marriage.. It isn’t a bad feeling essentially, but exaggerating it and making it something you could never live without, while knowing that the world is becoming full of corruption due to such feelings, is what makes it a bad feeling. "You have an excellent example in the (life of the) Messenger of Allah; for anyone who seeks Allah and the Last Day, and remembers Allah frequently." (Quran 33: 21).

          • So when some Muslim brothers have found the solution to their problems, and have fought the feeling of jealousy, and have finally considered any type of halal marriage (regardless of whether the woman is a revert/convert or has been married before), it's because they are doing this through the Islamic compassionate true love, and not because it looks a normal thing to do, as in the case of most non-Muslims (we all know why it looks normal in their case - they believe in haram past and we don't)...Perhaps, Muslim women should also do as those Muslim brothers did, till they are also able to consider any type of halal marriage.

            Also, this second marriage thing does not necessarily has to come from your home countries. As it may be that some good opportunities are available around where you live, but you just don't accept them. Allah has made polygyny halal to help solve many of the problems in the world.

            This is just my sincere suggestion for you sisters, as I always try to think of multiple solutions for everyone in need of help. However, everyone is free to consider what they find best for their nature, just as you said "I would rather stay single then."

            May Allah help you and us all! Ameen.

        • It's amazing how you speak my mind Sumaira! It's so difficult to trust someone again.

          As you said:
          "Yes trusting Allah is the solution to all life's problems, but a husband will not fall out of the sky. We have to make efforts too. "

          I completely agree, but what kind of efforts should we make? I have *no* idea where and how to look for one. I really am hoping that a righteous husband will fall from the sky for me! :)

          • Salam sis H,

            Thats the bit were all stuck on!

            Yes don't we all wish the perfect husband will fall from the sky. If only......

            Marriage is definitly the biggest gamble in life!

  28. Salam brother Issah,

    I forgot to say Thank you for your reply. I appreciate you taking your time out to advise and make suggestions to sisters in my situation.

    Your suggestions will indeed be very helpful to many sisters. However as for me as I said everyone's unique. everybody has different levels of tolerance. What one women may find easy may be very difficult for another women. E.G If a spouse is found guilty of adultery, the husband or wife has the choice whether to forgive or divorce. Some people may find it in their heart to forgive and be patient and come to terms with it. Whilst other spouses may not be able to deal with the pain and betrayal and will divorce on the spot no matter how many kids they have. Now whether you divorce or forgive neither of these are a sin. It depends on what someone can cope with as everyone is different. So it is better to be honest with yourself and your feelings and desires instead of trying to shape them to something else unless it is haram. If everyone can train their desires and bear the brunt then there will be no need for marriage in the first place.

    Therefore why would I want to jump in the fire when I know I will get burned. The marriage will be over before before it has even began if I embark on a marriage (Polygamous) that I will not be able to accept. It is not a sin to desire monogamy. Men can also train their hearts to be happy with one wife. I would be happy with just one nice man, so why do men have to be so greedy. I do not see how not having polygamous marriages will cause corruption? If I cannot get married I will train my heart to be happy staying single.

    I have never said that I am seeking a bachelor. Just someone in the same situation as me, divorced with or without kids and near enough my age. That's simple nothing fancy.

    I live in a predominantly non muslim area. I find people here very friendly and welcoming. They do not care who I am or what religion. They will bend over backwards to help me and my kids. They do this as part of humanity. But where my parents live its a majority muslim area, and I hate going there as people give me stares and judge me, just because I am divorced. I mean I do not see what crime I have done? What past have I got? I didn't murder anyone or commit zina! I had a halal relationship with my husband who turned bad and abused me. So how is that my fault? So I had to divorce so that I do not end up in a mental hospital. So how is this a bad past. It was just an unfortunate marriage which did not last. That's all! divorce is not a crime especially when you want to save yourself and your kids.

    So I do not understand why some muslim nowadays when they have Allah commanding them to be kind and compassionate treat other muslims badly. Ironocally the non muslims do not follow Allah yet they have higher morals and treat everyone kindly. So I do not get it. They even invite me to lunches and make special provisions for me i.e no alcohol etc and always empower me to get on with life and forget the nightmare marriage. Whereas when I am with the the muslim ladies they keep jabbing at me and making me feel so worthless and keep talking about my past like I have done the worst thing in life. I just feel so uncomfortable with them and so low. even the men tell their wives or daughters not to befriend me because I am supposed to be bad because I am a divorcee.

    • Wa Alaikum Salaam my Sister, Sumaira.

      In fact, I am very happy that you at least responded to me. It is always better to express all what is inside, than keeping them in you. So I really appreciate your response, Sister. I have learned to understand that women can differ, according to each one's nature and preferences. This is not a bad thing essentially.

      However, there are some points in your comments and in mine that indicate that we both misunderstood each other slightly. I would like to explain further, but I think rather than trying to explain further, and then keep on confusing each other, maybe we should just focus on what unites us, as one Ummah.

      So may Allah help you and us all, Sister. And once again, I really appreciate your response.

    • AsSalaamu Alaikum my dear young Sister Sumaira,

      After reading many of your comments on this website on many forums, I have understood that there have been many unjust situations in your past life, which may even have much to do with Muslim men, and a husband in particular. I am so sorry that you had to go through all that. I honestly feel much sorry for you in the same way I would feel for my own flesh sister.

      I have seen that (maybe) some of the words or expressions I have used in my comments, have made you mistaken me for something else. However, what I would like you to understand is that, even though I might make a mistake while expressing something, which may sound like a bias or prejudice against women, but one thing I know for sure is that, I am among the first men, who want to fight for women rights in the world. There are many prejudices I have seen against women which I do not see as Islamic nor legal in any system at all. I even have a future plan to write something in order to contribute in abolishing such prejudices.

      Anyhow, I remember using the word "corruption" in some of my comments. I do not know how you understood it, but I can sense that you didn't like it from me, as you threw it back to me somewhere, in another forum I think -lol. However, I would like you to understand that I use this word for both male and female (and not just for females alone), especially for those who are refusing any halal marriage just because some of the Dunya expectations that they are looking for have not been achieved in the person they have found.

      For example, instead of the man focusing on finding a religious woman with good character to marry, he is focusing on finding a virgin (and not just any virgin, but a virgin) who has attained some particular Dunya qualities. Now when it becomes hard for such person to find the type of person they are searching for, it becomes like a nightmare for them, and if they are not careful it leads them to committing many mistakes in life. As one of them may wish that he is allowed to go enjoy those qualities he has been looking for in a haram way, before his halal marriage, so that he could at least have a joyful past thoughts, especially when his halal marriage becomes boring. This is part of what I call corruption, as it may affect the iman.

      As the hadith goes, "A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, her family lineage, her beauty and her religion. So choose the religious one, you will prosper." (Al-Bukhaari and Muslim)

      So here, the Prophet (s.a.w.s) advised us to focus on her Deen. If any man expects something else in addition to her Deen, that is okay, but exaggerating the expectations while ignoring a religious woman with good character, is what leads to corruption.

      Also, an example in the case of women could be that, a woman might want a pious single man to be married to. And when it becomes hard for her, it may lead her to start asking many questions like "why are men only allowed to marry 4 women? "why can't women also marry 4 men?", not knowing that such questions are actually directed to Allah, as a challenge to what He has made lawful for men, as being unjust. One might not realize that this is what it means, especially when they have already been in so many pains in the past, and I can really really understand their pains, and therefore will never set a blaze of chastisement under them for asking such questions, as Allah is so Merciful to all of us. However, this is also part of what I call corruption, as it may affect the iman gradually.

      As the Hadith goes, "Whoever approaches you with the intention of marrying, and their character and piety are acceptable, go ahead and give your women in marriage to them. Should you refrain from that, there shall be discord in the land and great corruption”. (Tirmidhi)

      You see the Prophet (s.a.w.s) did not talk about whether the man was single or married, but he talked about his deen and character. However, it is okay for a woman to expect a pious man who is single and has good character, but exaggerating the need for him to be "single" while ignoring another pious married man may lead to corruption.

      Therefore, men and women are part of the reasons why the world is full of corruption.

      I hope my points are now clear!

      May Allah help us all! Ameen.

  29. Walaykum Salam brother Issah,

    Thank you for clarifying what you meant. I didn't misunderstand you entirely. I understand where your coming from. Believe me I did not take any offence to anything you said or throw your comments back at you, I was only asking you something on the content of the thread ONLY. As you were justifying a practice for everyone saying they have desires too when actually it was only the women who was being subjected to this, that's why I asked about the men. That's why I commented. I believe Allah created men and women equal. We have equal rights to desire happiness, love and protection and rights not be oppressed by anyone in any circumstance. It is not restricted to one gender only.

    I have read most of your comments along with others as I always find they are very kind, uplifting, inspiring and motivational for all of us, especially the sisters. So I highly value your comments and do not take any slightest offence. Nowadays in the case of corruption it can happen anywhere when people don't get what they want. I, e even if a man marries a perfect women later he might get bored with her and start cheating on her. He might not be able to afford another wife or maybe he cant do justice. If a women settles for a polygamous marriage she may later feel so jealous and hurt and keep having arguments and competitions to the point that she becomes obsessed and depressed and then looks at other men for comfort! This can lead to corruption. So people have to be honest with what they can handle and what they cant. There is no point walking into trouble. Then what can you expect? I once read on one of your comments that you will not take second wife as you will not be able to treat equally. You are being honest upfront. But most men are not honest they will still marry knowing they can't do justice just as long as they are happy! Then the women involved suffer!

    And I would never want to hurt anyone the slightest bit. I cannot burn another sisters hurt in order to brighten up my life. I am a women and can emphasise with other women. Also i need someone 24/7 due to problems i have e.g childcare school pick up health problems etc. I don't want a boyfriend that comes round on the weekend! Because I have to share my time. I need a companian, friend a family member to go out with kids, go shopping together, mosque together etc etc, someone to be there all the time to help and protect and care etc. whats the point of a husband just being there only two or three days a week. who will help me the rest of the week as my circumstances require? As I said its ok for some but not everyone. Also as a daughter cannot get married without the father's permission, my father will never allow me to marry in a polygamous marriage or outside my race. He is very strict on these things so are my brothers. I do not have any other mehrem , no real uncles or grandfather etc.

    Being divorced is the worst thing that has happened in my life. Yes I have been through an ugly marriage, thank you for your kind words. But Alhamdullilah now Allah has opened my eyes and after divorce I have come out stronger and hopefully wiser. Inshallah I will not allow any man to take advantage of me ever again, if they try they won't know whats hit them! Lol. And they will definitely regret it. And if I don't find a good person to marry there is always the visa hunters! I can use a whole list of do's and don'ts in the marriage contracts with hefty compensation and no legal status for 10 years! Etc etc.. That should keep them on a leash. I need to at least get my moneys worth. If the person stays with me for life then Allhamdullilah he is indeed a good person and truly cares for me but if he doesn't then Alhamdullilah Allah showed me his true colours and this is what Allah planned for me and I should move on and the other consolation will be that I didn't lose out as I would have made sure I got my moneys worth out him ( hefty mahar lol) price for a visa!

    Thank you very much for your help and advice.

    May Allah reward you and keep you and your family happy in Duniya and Akhirah.

Leave a Response