Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Committed zinaa with my boyfriend and abortion; now he wants to separate

broken heart sliced heart 150x150 %photo

Asalamaleykum

I am 23 years old and a sunni muslim girl. till date its past 9 months that i like a muslim guy and fell in love with him very deeply such that i want to marry him. The boy is sunni muslim and he is also 23 years old.

at first he said me he loved me and the realtionship was going smooth. i expressed my desire to marry him with parents permission but he said he needs time to decide. In dis time duration we commited zina of having sexual contact with each other where i became pregnant and not able to come up with baby due to the society i aborted my child of 7weeks on both of our mutual decission.

feeling guilty till date for commiting the zina.. after abortion i was asking him for his decission but still he didn't cleared his wish. after abortion also, after knowing i want to marry him truely, with both of our wish we had sexual contact again. but he has come up with decission saying he cant marry me as he dont love me... he just cares for me and we are still talking to each other puting the situation to God for our future marriage...

the relationship was going up and down but a month back the guy started feeling very bad for the zina and wants to seriously ask for forgiveness. he says we should stop contacting each other and should move ahead with our life without commiting any more zina because if we will be in contact we will not be able to control ourselves for commiting zina..

Now i am totally depressed as he wants to go away from me. He dont want to hurt me but needs an islamic solution 4 both of us. Even i want myself and him not to do zina anymore but i just cant live without him and i really want to marry him. I dont want to do another gunah of marrying someone else without the person knowing his wife had been in sexual contact and also undergone abortion..

now you please tell me according to islam although commited zina of sexual contact as well as abortion what the guy should do. Should he marry me thinking as a repent for the gunah we both did together? Or should he leave me on my depression thinking it will do good 2 both? i please request you to give me a complete solution as to how to proceed for the betterment of both of us.... i will be greaty thankfull to you 4 your jawab. allahafiz...

- alwayssilence


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13 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    The pain you are experiencing is the pain that comes by straying from the path: the way we are supposed to live our lives. When we walk outside of the boundaries Allah sets for us, we meet with very painful situations and experiences, such as your own. Even when we return to the path, we often return with scars and aches leftover from mistakes made. Yet, if you let it, this experience can be something to help make you a stronger Muslimah, and wiser.

    I'm sorry to say, sister, but despite the way your heart is longing for this guy, he seems not to be interested in really being with you for the rest of your lives. I say that not only because he is not making any efforts to actually marry you (despite having ample opportunity), but also because you said that he told you straight out that he doesn't love you. Unfortunately, it sounds like he was just using you for his own physical pleasure, and he had no intention at any time to have your relationship be any more than that. Perhaps you thought it was something more with him, or perhaps you thought time would change the dynamic, but now that you are at this point it's pretty clear that there's really no future with him.

    Islamically, he has two options: marry you and redeem the wrongs done, or walk away and let you go forever. It seems pretty clear he doesn't want to enact the first option, even though you very much do. The only other halaal option is as he said- the two of you moving on to your own separate futures. I know that's a painful and frightening prospect for you right now, but with time and by keeping your focus on Allah you will heal from this wound. Fortunately, you are not obligated to disclose your past mistakes to your future husband. You don't have to tell anyone that you've committed zina or have had an abortion, and I highly suggest you do keep that to yourself. However, if you feel that it is too difficult, you can talk to a counselor or some other person who will keep what you share in confidence, and they may be able to help you find closure with these things.

    I hope the path becomes easier for you, sister. By sticking to it we can certainly be assured it will, and by straying we can certainly be assured that we will be met with heartbreaking difficulties. Let this chapter of your life keep you focused on staying true to what Allah wants for you, and you will find your despair replaced with gratitude.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Asalamleykum...

      Thank you very much for your reply... what you are saying is true but i am just unable to accept the fact that he dont feel i deserve him for marriage... I am a very open hearted person and it will be according to me impossible to hide these things from my future husband if i get married to someone else... rite now i m in such a position i feel worthless and i dont want to ever get married to anyone than this guy... i m completely dying inside daily and i wish why dont ALLAH take my breathe away.... Sometimes i m so much mentally stressed i feel to commit sucide.... but that time i think of my parents and family and i am not able to go ahead with sucide also... i am just a living dead body now... my mind is very strongly feeling not to marry anyone in my life... I feel i can do anything with me anytime...

      plz let me know what is actually islamicaly correct first option for this guy to do with me? If he doesnt marry me after having relationship with me will he be again doing a mistake IN ALLAH'S eyes... will he be punishable by ALLAH for leaving me in this situation?

      If he somehow makes his mind to marry me but if his parents wont agree for our marriage then what is the solution.... Should he try hard to convince his parents and marry me or should he go against his parents and still marry me.....

      If he is not making his mind for marriage, is it islamically correct on my path to force him saying "He is equally responsible for making my life worse and that for him i have had an abortion so you have to marry me"........... PLZ help me out.... khudahafiz

      • salam.

        this is the biggest test your going to sister. i can feel how ur feeling. as i have been trough this stuff, as the shaytan tried to distory me and tried to make me commit suicide but ALHAMDLIHAH MY RAB saved me. if a Muslim commit suicide then they will go to hell straight away. i was so crazy if i didn't knew this then i would of do so. when shaytan made me feel committing suicide i think ed about that. i don;t want to go to hell and committing suicide is going to hell. but it was very difficult for me as the shytaan took control of my self. he was inside my heart my heart was burning like hell. that's the most boring life i ever hard. anyways. you have to understand sister shytaan is our enemy he said to ALLAH he will take us in hell. but what did ALLAH say? ALLAH said who ever become my servant you can't take them. so here you can clearly see that shytan is trying to take us in hell. How? by miking us committing sin. but if we repent to ALLAH from our heart then ALLAH will for give us for sure, He is most merciful, off forgiving, His the most loving. no one can love you sister if ALLAH does not love you. obey ALLAH love HIM then your husband will love you. what has happen it has happen. ALLAH said He will test us all. so take this in to count and work for better life. now if He does not really want you. then i think you should for get him and stay away from male's. as ALLAH said in the Quran to lower our gaze, and ask ALLAH to give you a good husband who will help you to please ALLAH. just for get what has happen, ask ALLAH for forgiveness and ask ALLAH to help you and guide to the way to Him. finally. read ayatul kursi, auzu billahi minashaitanir rajim, read last 2 surah of the Quran. keep making dua to ALLAH. don't let shytan kill you but instead kill shytan. YA RABI HELP US ALL AND GUIDE US AND PROTECT US AND FOR GIVE US AMIN!!!

  2. Amy sounds right to me.

  3. Salaams,

    Sister, I can see you are in a lot of turmoil, and sometimes turmoil can cloud the facts or take the clarity out of what's right and wrong. So let me again reiterate my answers in light of your additional questions:

    1. Allah will not punish him, nor is the brother making a mistake by not marrying you after committing zina if that's not what he wants. He is not obligated to marry you just because he sinned with you. He will not be wrong to walk away from you and never deal with you again even though wrongs were committed before. This is a very, very halal option for both of you ( to part ways permanently). So no, it would not be islamically correct for you to try and force him to marriage by FALSLY claiming its the only way he can redeem himself with Allah from the wrongs done.

    2. Whether he goes against his parents to marry you or not is up to him. You are not a part of that decision, so don't make yourself a part of it unnecessarily. By trying to bother him about what he will choose to do you might end up making him resent you. Leave him and his decisions in Allah's hands.

    3. He may have been a part of the equation in getting you to the painful place you are now, but the only person responsible for your healing at this point is you. You can't make it his burden to "fix" your broken heart. Allah is the Healer, so I suggest you redirect all your energy into seeking His comfort instead of the comfort of marrying this guy. I also believe it wouldn't hurt you to find a counselor to help you deal with your emotions as I said before.

    You are trying to find every possible way to keep this man in your life, but it seems clear that this man is probably not what you need. This sounds like a prime case of loving what is harmful to us. I think it's fair to say that it's hurting you more to try to hang on and hope for a future with him, than it would to let him go. If you really want to start healing and coming out of this dark place, the only way is to let go of him, the memories, the wishes, and grab on to Allah's promises that He takes nothing away without replacing it with something better.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. AOA

    If you committed your sin then do not every try to reveal among people.
    This is matter between Allah and you guys. Just pray to Allah for His forgiveness. HE is the most beneficent and most merciful.
    As for as that boy is concerned, what I feel is that he just to get rid of you. Pretending this that he commit that sin again he want to away. He just want to move his ass away from you so that he could destroy another's life. As you said he feel guilty, but actually he does not feel like that according to.
    If he feels guilty then why he said if he will keep on meeting you he will commit that sin again? He is liar. As zina is done between the mutual agreement so both of you has equal part.
    As this is done so no need to talk it or reveal it. Because unless a sin is between you and Allah do not add people in your sin. Just say you prayers recite holy Quran and ask for His forgiveness.
    Why he need time?? You both are 23. just get married.
    Whenever you need any type of information regarding your life regarding anything consult this Fatwa site. Authentic site almost you will get every answer. Pls don’t try to discuss in public. You can also send them your question and they will reply you according to Quran & Hadith.
    http://www.islamqa.info/en/cat/426
    May Allah help you and solve all your problem and forgive u.

    wslam

  5. I need help wit my pregnancy please! I am a muslim & committed zina wit my boyfrend & am now 6weeks pregnant & its not my 1st tym. I alredy have my 1st child & got married to his dad but it didn't work out therefore we got a divorce, my mom told me if I ever came to her pregnant without bein married again she wud disown me & my whole family agreed & am now pregnant wit my boyfriend of 1yr, I can't afford to lose my family but I duno if I can give my child up for abortion. What should I do?

    • Assalam'alaykum,

      So basically, you've committed fornication and is now pregnant, and your first child is illegitimate too, also due to fornication. You seem to take 'sex' before marriage very casual why ? You seem to go with pre-marital relationship as though its fine why ? Sister, Do you know that sex before marriage, pre-marital relationship/boyfriend are forbidden in Islam ? Abortion is forbidden to. So please do not do any more acts to disobey Allah and increase His curse on you because then, there will be no refuge.

      "And those who invoke not any other god along with Allah, nor kill such life as Allah has forbidden, except for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse (zina) and whoever does this shall receive the punishment. The torment will be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein in disgrace; (25:68-69 Quran)

      "And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse. Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way." (17:32 Quran )

      Know the graveness of your sins first, under sharia law, you have committed a tremendousely grave sin in which you must receive lashes/beatings, and this sin if go unrepented will lead you to the burning hell fire. In hell, there will be a valley especially made for people of fornication where they will be tortured and humiliated terribly. So therefore, you've got to repent sincerely and never ever get back to those evil sins and do righteous deeds. And return [in repentance] to your Lord and submit to Him before the punishment comes upon you; then you will not be helped (39:54 Quran).
      And stop having boyfriends, affairs etc, Stop disobeying Allah and follow His law, know that your actions WILL have severe consequences. Lower your gaze and observe the hijab is the command of Allah.

      "And tell the believing women to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from Zina illegal sexual acts, etc.) and not to show off their adornment except only that which is apparent and to draw their veils all over their bodies and not to reveal their adornment except to their husbands.." (24:31 Quran)

      Secondly, the situation you are in now is the consequences of your disobidience towards Allah by sinning, therefore you have to bear this burden, and may Allah have mercy on you. You must not even think of committing a murder of an innocent soul. Committing a second crime is not a solution to your problem but I can gurantee a doomed future. I won't blame your parents for their behaviour/thinking as they seem to have forgiven you the first time round, but you've broken their trust and so you have to live independently now, I sure you're capable of doing that judging by the unIslamic choices you are making. Therefore, do not abort the child.
      Kill not your children,...Verily the killing of them is a great sin. (4:93 Quran)

      But whoever kills a believer intentionally - his recompenseis Hell, wherein he will abide eternally, and Allah has become angry with him and has cursed him and has prepared for him a great punishment. (17:31 Quran )

      Why don't you marry the person who made you pregnant ? Did he only use you and now dispose you ? Have you not got self-respect ? Why do you give your body around before marriage ? Try talking to him and make him realise of his sins too and a good solution will be for both of you to marry each other. Try to talk sense into him. Try and achieve this. If this is not possible, then you've got to keep the child anyways and marry when you wish. If you wish Allah to give you a second chance and forgive you, then it would make sense if you give a chance for that innocent child inside your tummy to live. Give your children proper Islamic upbringing and teach them moral values insha'Allah. If you are unable to financially support yourself and children, then there is always child support centres around to help you. Whatever you do from now on, you must keep the child and stop mixing with men to avoid further sins and giving a bad example to your children. About your family, they must not disown you, but now this is better than killing an innocent child as the blame for the former won't fall on you. Yes you love your family, but you should have realised this before committing that evil act of fornication. If they do not wish to keep you, try to make them understand than you have improved and if everything fails then move out and live independently and hope that they may accept you later sometime in life.

      Perform your Islamic duties, pray 5 times, obey Allah and His messenger. Make lots of tawbah sincerely and LEARN about Islam, as I think you weren't thought properly by your parents ? Learn all the things prohibitted in Islam and their punishments. Learn to differentiate between Islamic and unIslamic acts, western culture and Islamic culture etc. May Allah have mercy on you and guide you.

      • Those who believe, and suffer exile and strive with might and main, in Allah's cause, with their goods and their persons, have the highest rank in the sight of Allah: they are the people who will achieve (salvation).(9:20 Quran)

        Say: O My servants who havetransgressed against their own souls, despair not of themercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. (39:53 Quran)

  6. I really need help I have commited an act which I think
    May not be forgiven me and my boyfriend commited zina I have known him for two years we repent this really badly and decided to get married he told his parents they were happy for him but when I told my parents it just seems not to work I tried every possible way of convincing them then I just told my mum I really want to marry him because no other guy in the society will accept me Im not marrying this guy Cuz we commit wrong it also we both love each other I know we could have waited but mistakes happen as human is known for an error so am trying my best my parents believe if I dmarry him he will leave me my parents didn't even give him a chance to speak to them about Mr so please can some advice me as we both won't be able to live without each other as it would destroy Me everyday even thinking about it makes me ill and am 23 he is 24

    • Khan, let your boyfriend's parents come to your parents with a proposal. However, I have to point out that you don't seem to be taking responsibility for your sin. You seem to be excusing it by saying, "mistakes happen." Anyway, continue trying hard to convince your parents to marry him. And let the boy and his family take a more active role.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • No I do regret what I have done Cuz I have sleepless nights I hope no one goes through this pain and hope no one falls into this sin as it does not let you live the reason I said mistakes happen it's because I don't want anyone judging or point fingers at me for what I have done because only allah has that right

  7. @wael
    No I do regret what I have done Cuz I have sleepless nights I hope no one goes through this pain and hope no one falls into this sin as it does not let you live the reason I said mistakes happen it's because I don't want anyone judging or point fingers at me for what I have done because only allah has that right

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