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Monday, November 27, 2000

QUESTION:

Dear Bilqis,

I am a single, 36-years old, Caucasian Muslima. I was married for eight years to a man who was a good Muslim, but we mutually decided not to continue our marriage. We wanted the opportunity to let each other improve upon our lives independently - to become mature and responsible adults - and to seek a more positive future which we felt were both not leading as a couple. We were also not blessed with any children which, in afterthought, was a blessing - everything is from Allah SWT and He does not place a burden upon anyone that s/he cannot bear.

Since our divorce in 1996, I have did a lot of spiritual and emotional growing, insha'Allah, and felt wiser because of the experience, alhamdulillah. I also did not find support from my community here in Denver, Colorado.

In the 12 years since my reversion (alhamdulillah), I have discovered how very secular, non-uniform, and uninvolved the Muslim community is. Very disheartening...but I discovered that we are all responsible for our own selves spiritually. I do not have a walee/wakeel (on one occasion, the sheikh here told me that it was not his responsibility to look for a husband for me) and I feel that I am old enough to not have a sponsor; thus, I felt the Internet was the best solution to my dilemma, since a person can basically 'pick-and-chose' their prospective mate based on their own preferences. However, I have not been fortunate in my search.

I have spoken with and even met so-called Muslim men who were not sincere about their religion, about the commitment to marriage, excessively particular in their desires, and even prejudiced about race (either white or black), previously married women ('in my country...'), age, etc. In reverse, I feel that my criteria are basic in a husband: kindness, sincerity, patience, intelligence, compassion, and above all, a practicing Muslim who fears Allah (SWT). Are my standards too high? My expectations too great?

I realize that it is not lawful for a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim man, but in view of the circumstances and in times like this (fearlessness, selfishness, and insensitivity), is it possible for a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim man with the prospect that he will convert? It seems much easier to find a non-Muslim man to communicate with (at workplace, etc.) and relate to.

What other alternative would you suggest if not this?

Jazek Allah kheir.

- Muslima

BILQIS ANSWERS:

Dear Muslima,

I am very sympathetic to your situation!!. These are trying times for Muslims in many ways. I must tell you however that it is forbidden for a Muslim woman to marry other than a Muslim man. If you will go to the question and answer of Monday, Dec. 20, 1999 you will find a very comprehensive answer as to why a Muslim woman can only marry a Muslim man.

Your requirements in a husband are certainly not unreasonable, but, as you say, your search has been unsuccessful thus far. I would encourage you to not give up hope and to remain optimistic. When you give the matter serious thought, you seem to be a Muslima who would REALLY only be satisfied with a Muslim husband. The day-to-day practice of your religion could only be enhanced by a husband of the same faith.

The key is to keep busy. Try to get more involved with the Muslim community. Whatever you can do, with the intentions being for Allah's sake. I know sometime we become disillusioned with different "personalities" we work with, but keep the focus on Allah (swt) and expect His reward and focus less on people or Muslims in the community. I also hope that you have a good sister-friend that you can talk to and also do things with for relaxation and entertainment. There will be more opportunities to find a husband. Marrriage is the way of the Muslims and so there will be other opportunities, but you will need to remain open to the possibilities, watchful and be creative in your thinking about circumstances that may come your way.

So, I encourage you to continue to guard your modesty, remain optmistic and trust in Allah by doing the things that will help you along this path. My prayers and best wishes to you.

-Bilqis