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Monday, December 10, 2001

QUESTION:

Dear Bilqis,

I'm a 27 year old Muslim female who met a very nice Muslim man while I was booking a car rental reservation for my relative. The person taking the reservation was very friendly and is from the same country as I am. We agreed to talk again and quickly became friends over the phone and we met.

We were both honnest about our expectations: I was marriage-minded and he was basically looking for a girlfriend only and that he will never marry. I told him we can meet and know each other on a friendship basis only. We start meeting quite often and I found him a very understanding person. He told me about his bad experience in a previous marriage, and about his daughter and his mom.

After a while, we decided that we had things in common and decided to get married. He asked me to call back home to let my parents know. My father gave me his blessing and approval. He told his father who lives here and told his mom who was very happy for him that he found a nice person. She thought I was American, a Christian or a Jewish woman. When she found out that I was from the same country and religion (we are both moroccan and Muslims), she got very upset at him, was hysterical and threatened to curse him and told him, "It's either me or the Moroccan woman."

She also added that she would rather see him getting married to an American woman than to a Moroccan and her reason is that she and her son suffered a great deal from his previous marriage to a Moroccan woman. In a way I do understand, since she went through rough time when her husband abandoned her with her very young kids. I also understand that she sacrified her life to raise her two sons but is it fair that she is rejecting me without even taking the time to know what kind of person I am?

She has so much hostility towards me and she does not even know me. I know it's the month of Ramadan and I should be forgiving and respectful towards this older person who is my mom's age, but I feel she has been very unfair to her son because we strongly believe we can be very happy together. I told my ex-fiance that maybe he should consult with an Imam to find out if he can disobey his mom and get married with to but he said that his mom sufferred a great deal in her life from his father and then from his previous wife and he does not want her to go through any more pain. What do you think? I hope you post my letter.

- Peace and Love

BILQIS ANSWERS:

Dear "Peace and Love",

It is unfortunate that you are being judged by their bad experiences of the past. You could well be a good potential wife for this young man, but if he (and his mother) are not willing to give you the opportunity to try, there is not much else you can do. We cannot control the thoughts and actions of others.

The young man is strongly influenced by his mother, which is understandable, after all, she has done much for him. Hopefully, she will one day not judge all Moroccans by the actions of a few. In the meantime, you can only make duaa' (supplication) for them both to change this negative perspective and then get on with your life. May Allah grant you a good husband, despite this experience.

- Bilqis