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Monday, June 11, 2001

QUESTION:

Dear Sister Bilqis,

I want to thank you very much for the excellent services you are providing Muslims and non-Muslims. May Allah (swt) Bless you and give you more knowledge for helping people around the world. May Allah SWT Bless you and give you a great health ameen...

My problem is that I loved a woman from my country. We had unislamic acts before marriage for awhile, and after that we decided to get married. So we have been married for about 12 years. After we got married we become very serious about our relationship with Allah swt. Even the meat we eat has to be Halal. We have become very good muslims. We have two kids and I love them very much.

My wife does not have an outside job, she is a housewife. But we have some troubles going on sometimes. She and I will fight and insult each other and then she will cry and leave the house for few hours and come back in a very ugly mood. It happened twice that she will leave me and go to her parents. It looks like it is over. She will stay there for a while and than things will become normal and we will get back together. I am almost 40 and I want to enjoy my life with a woman who will love me. I don't feel any love for her in my heart anymore. Even the sex is lifeless with her, I don't enjoy it anymore because of all that has happened. I love the kids very much and it is not their fault. Now after what happened last time she wants to come back to my life.

Please Jazake Allah kairan, tell me what to do? I don't want to go through what I have been going through any more. It is making me old. Last time when she came back to me she said she will never repeat what she used to say and do and she did not keep her word. Please help me. Should I just get married to another woman or just let her come back to my life.. Every time she did this to me it cost me a lot of money and emotional pain.

Again Jazake Allah Kairan Wasalam alaikum wa rahamtullah wa brakatuh

-M.Y., "Unsure What to Do"

BILQIS ANSWERS:

Dear "Unsure What to Do",

This is a difficult situation and the decision of what to do will not be easy. Whatever you decide will require patience and perseverance (sabr). Needless to say, it would be best if there were some way that you and your wife could receive marriage counseling to save your marriage. Allah (swt) hates divorce.

You should honestly express to her (if you haven't already done this) that you are ready to end the marriage because of her leaving, cursing, etc. If she realizes how strongly you feel, perhaps you both can reconcile your differences. You can set some time to try again, maybe six months, that is up to you. I will not encourage divorce because that is something that you and your wife will have to decide. The reality of your circumstance is between the two of you and Allah. You both should strive to improve your relationship with Allah and make the time together again a period of turning to Allah for guidance. Increase your salats, fast more frequently, read Qur'an daily and seek out the advice and counsel of a fellow Muslim whose advice you both respect. If we submit our wills to Allah, He will resolve our problems in the best manner. Make salatul-istikhara for guidance. Always turn to Allah for His Guidance first. Study your religion for the answers to your problems. Allah has perfected His deen for us and so therein lies the answers to all our problems if we will but submit our wills.

Consider the children and what would be best for them. If you divorce, arrangements will need to be made for visitation with both parents and the adjustment will not be easy for them. On the other hand if you stay together but constantly argue or are often separated, this is not a good atmosphere for the children either. Come together again, listen to each other's feelings on problems, try to make changes where honestly needed, give yourselves some time, focus on Allah (swt) and perhaps the love and family spirit you once knew can be rekindled. There is much at stake so you must act cautiously and wisely. Allah Knows Best. My prayers and best wishes to you.

- Bilqis