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Monday, March 27, 2000

 

QUESTION:

Dear Bilqis, Salam- ALeikum

I came across your column and I found it indeed interesting. I have two questions: I am a 30-years-old female, muslimah (by birth, not recently converted). I always rejected marriage proposals because I haven't found the perfect match. I am (al hamdul'allah) pretty and have an attractive personality, good position, Ph.D. bla bla bla...etc.

The problem is that my desire for sex is growing like crazy, but I fear Allah and fear having sex without marriage. I am still a virgin, although I live in a non-Muslim society, where the main thing which drives people is sex with all its normal and abnormal practices. I sometimes feel it is not bearable any more. I sometimes practice (self satisfaction) which I think haram. I don't have special emotional feelings towards any guy but I am thinking to accept a guy who is proposing to me, to fulfill my physical needs in the first place. But I fear somehow, that afterwards, if this thing fades away I might find myself not in love with him which is not the perfect situation neither for him, nor for myself. I am totally confused. However, I have to admit that this guy is pleasant, a Muslim of course (non-Muslim husband is not acceptable for me). But I don't love him. I even don't know what is love. Last year I thought I was in deep love with a man who was 16 years older than me, however, I found out it was not real love.

Unfortunately, the attractive personality for me is always the playboy sort of men, who are not suitable at all for the accomplishment of a healthy marriage. These men are always selfish and egotistical. Although I realise that and am fully aware of it I cannot stop myself being attracted to them, and the good-willing, religious guys appear boring to me. I am really totally confused and would like to know your opinion as soon as possible, taking into consideration that I have consulted the Qur'an in that and know exactly which verses you are going to quote. Maybe I need rather the advice of a good muslim woman, who can understand those conflicting feelings.

To make a story short:

1. is marriage for only physical reasons haram?
2. if practicing self-satisfaction or minor physical affection were the only ways not to lose one's mind, do they still have the same degree of haram as Zena (non-marital intercourse)?

Waiting anxiously for your answer and jazakom allah kol kheir. Salam,

-Confused

BILQIS ANSWERS:

Dear "Confused",

I have a question for you. Do you know of anyone who has the "perfect match" for marriage? The life of this world is about living and learning, trial by error many times. This is the way of even a wise woman. There is a tradition that states, there is no wise man who has not made a mistake. My first suggestion is that you strive to develop a realistic expection of marriage.

The important things, as you know, are firstly a Muslim brother who is striving to practice his religion. Try, to the best of your ability, to ascertain if he is striving to follow the example of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), the best example to all mankind. As a woman you want such a man. The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) was kind, helpful, industrious and much more. A husband is intended as a life-mate, your companion, your friend, your lover, and (insh'Allah) the father of your children, while you are likewise, in your capacity as wife, the same to him. When two people can strive with patience and perseverance for such a relationship and attain the goal, it is one of the most gratifying experiences of this life. It brings the peace of mind that Allah (swt) intended for us and not the "confusion" you now experience.

You seem to have worked very hard to achieve material success (and may Allah bless your efforts), but that is only one part of the life of this world. We were made ultimately to love and be loved; first, to love and serve Allah, then to love our families, spouses, and brothers and sisters in Islam; we were made to be warm and caring people, and without this aspect to our personality, we are not complete. This is why Allah (swt) and His Prophet have encouraged marriage for us.

Marriage is the way of Islam, so seek it wholeheartedly, with trust in Allah's wisdom (al-Hakeem). If your current suitor is practising Islam and you feel there are the qualities between you both for compatibility then I would suggest you consider the situation seriously. As you say, you don't really know what love is. If there is attraction and you already like him, this is a good start. The strong sexual feelings you are experiencing means you are a healthy Muslimah who needs to find a suitable mate and marriage is the best outlet for these feelings as opposed to other methods. Regarding the question of "self-satisfaction", it is certainly not a sin on the level of zinaa. As for its permissibility, this is something best answered by a Muslim scholar. If you go to the homepage for Zawaj.com you will find references to asking questions of Muslim scholars.

Love is many things to many people, and for each couple it can be something different. Begin the journey to find your "mate". Strive to know yourself and cultivate yourself to be loving in all of its forms and insh'Allah, you will find someone like yourself.

-Bilqis