Monday, May 29, 2000
I need your advice. I am a 26 year old woman, and I live in
the Middle East. I have had many marriage proposals but refused
all of them because I wanted someone religious, as well as someone
I can feel in sync with. Most of the men that came to propose
to me were not very religious and so I refused them. Then one
of these days I was introduced to a religious brother who lives
overseas through my family. I corresponded with the brother and
got along well. Then after a couple of months when I actually
got to meet the brother face to face I was completely unattracted
to him. I felt like I didn't want to be around him even.
Now it's been many months since that incident and he is still
waiting for a response from me. My parents think he is the best
match but I can't get myself to accept this man. I am only human
and I have feelings too. My parents say that looks won't matter
after marriage, but I don't think that that is the case for me.
I am really not looking for someone who's exceptionally good
looking, just a person I feel comfortable around. I am very confused.
I don't know if it is a mistake to refuse him and lose this religious
brother because of this reason (along with minor reasons relating
to his personality). But I can't get myself to accept this idea
emotionally. Everytime I try to force myself to accept I feel
as though I am sentencing my feelings to death. I will be waiting
for your response in sha'a Allah. Jazaky Allah khayr sister.
May Allah bless you.
-Quick advice please
Dear "Quick advice please",
I hope this information will be reaching
you in time to be of some help insha'Allah. As a Muslim lady
you do have the final decision about any prospects for marriage.
From your letter you seem to be a reasonable person and your
requirements for a future husband seem quite appropriate. You
should not be "forced" into a marriage that you do
not want. As Muslims, we are told to see the prospective marriage
partner so that we know whether we find their physical appearance
(i.e. what lawfully can be seen before marriage) agreeable or
You have made your feelings clear and
you do have the right that these feelings should be respected.
You say that you live in the Middle East. Sometime in traditional
Muslim societies, over a period of time, Muslims begin to overlook
the true guidelines that we as Muslims are to follow. I can understand
your family's desire for you to get married, but not at the expense
of what Allah has allowed you in this matter and surely, Allah
I am enclosing some sound ahaadith from
Sahih Muslim on the subject of a woman giving her consent regarding
marriage. I hope these will prove of some comfort and help to
both you and your family. And may Allah (swt) provide you with
a suitable husband in the near future.
Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him)
reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as having
said: A woman without a husband (or divorced or a widow) must
not be married until she is consulted, and a virgin must not
be married until her permission is sought. They asked the Prophet
of Allah (may peace be upon him): How should her (the virgin's)
consent can be solicited? He (the Holy Prophet) said: That she
'A'isha (Allah be pleased with her) reported:
I asked Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) about a virgin
whose marriage is solemnised by her guardian, whether it was
necessary or not to consult her. Allah's Messerger (may peace
be upon him) said: Yes, she must be consulted. 'A'isha reported:
I told him that she feels shy, whereupon Allah's Messenger (may
peace be upon him) said: Her silence implies her consent.
Ibn Abbas (Allah be pleased with them)
reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying:
A woman who has been previously married (Thayyib) has more right
to her person than her guardian. And a virgin should also be
consulted, and her silence implies her consent.