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Monday, May 29, 2000

 

QUESTION:

Dear Bilqis

I need your advice. I am a 26 year old woman, and I live in the Middle East. I have had many marriage proposals but refused all of them because I wanted someone religious, as well as someone I can feel in sync with. Most of the men that came to propose to me were not very religious and so I refused them. Then one of these days I was introduced to a religious brother who lives overseas through my family. I corresponded with the brother and got along well. Then after a couple of months when I actually got to meet the brother face to face I was completely unattracted to him. I felt like I didn't want to be around him even.

Now it's been many months since that incident and he is still waiting for a response from me. My parents think he is the best match but I can't get myself to accept this man. I am only human and I have feelings too. My parents say that looks won't matter after marriage, but I don't think that that is the case for me.

I am really not looking for someone who's exceptionally good looking, just a person I feel comfortable around. I am very confused. I don't know if it is a mistake to refuse him and lose this religious brother because of this reason (along with minor reasons relating to his personality). But I can't get myself to accept this idea emotionally. Everytime I try to force myself to accept I feel as though I am sentencing my feelings to death. I will be waiting for your response in sha'a Allah. Jazaky Allah khayr sister. May Allah bless you.

-Quick advice please

 

BILQIS ANSWERS:

Dear "Quick advice please",

I hope this information will be reaching you in time to be of some help insha'Allah. As a Muslim lady you do have the final decision about any prospects for marriage. From your letter you seem to be a reasonable person and your requirements for a future husband seem quite appropriate. You should not be "forced" into a marriage that you do not want. As Muslims, we are told to see the prospective marriage partner so that we know whether we find their physical appearance (i.e. what lawfully can be seen before marriage) agreeable or not.

You have made your feelings clear and you do have the right that these feelings should be respected. You say that you live in the Middle East. Sometime in traditional Muslim societies, over a period of time, Muslims begin to overlook the true guidelines that we as Muslims are to follow. I can understand your family's desire for you to get married, but not at the expense of what Allah has allowed you in this matter and surely, Allah knows best!

I am enclosing some sound ahaadith from Sahih Muslim on the subject of a woman giving her consent regarding marriage. I hope these will prove of some comfort and help to both you and your family. And may Allah (swt) provide you with a suitable husband in the near future.

Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as having said: A woman without a husband (or divorced or a widow) must not be married until she is consulted, and a virgin must not be married until her permission is sought. They asked the Prophet of Allah (may peace be upon him): How should her (the virgin's) consent can be solicited? He (the Holy Prophet) said: That she keeps silence.

'A'isha (Allah be pleased with her) reported: I asked Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) about a virgin whose marriage is solemnised by her guardian, whether it was necessary or not to consult her. Allah's Messerger (may peace be upon him) said: Yes, she must be consulted. 'A'isha reported: I told him that she feels shy, whereupon Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: Her silence implies her consent.

Ibn Abbas (Allah be pleased with them) reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: A woman who has been previously married (Thayyib) has more right to her person than her guardian. And a virgin should also be consulted, and her silence implies her consent.

-Bilqis