Monday, July 12, 1999
Assalaam-o-alaikum sister Bilqis...
Let me start out by saying this question and answer site is
very informative and may Allah bless you for all the help you
I'm 23 and will probably start searching for my partner in
life in a year or so. My situation/problem is that I've been
told by doctors that I will not be able to father children. Avenues
such as in vitro fertilization and the like are not a possibility
in my case. There are no other sexually related problems. I like
kids and understand that in my culture, children are pretty important
to most sisters. I personally have nothing against adoption or
not having children. I'm just concerned with meeting someone
that will be understanding and will still want to spend the rest
of her life with me. My parents suggest I not mention this in
any proposals of marriage that I may embark upon. I disagree.
I don't want to keep something like this from the person that
is supposed to be my life partner, yet at the same time I'm afraid
that if I do make it known, I will be shooting myself in the
foot, and no sister will be interested.
Any suggestions? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
-is honesty the best policy?
p.s. please don't mention my name in your answer : )
There are options to your situation.
As you said, adoption is one consideration. I would like to mention
another possibility. You might not have thought of this and it
might pose a "problem" of sorts in some Muslim cultures,
but it is a very real consideration. There are good Muslim ladies,
who because of unfortunate circumstances, are now widowed or
divorced and are seeking a good Muslim husband for marriage and
as a "good example" of Islamic manhood for their children.
Unfortunately, I have seen too many
circumstances where a Muslimah is left alone to struggle and
raise her children from a previous marriage. Most of these ladies
do what they MUST out of love for their children and their committment
to Al-Islam, but it is surely not a situation that I think Allah
(swt) smiles upon. A lady in such a situation would certainly
greatly appreciate (and love) a good husband and father for her
Of course, when entering a marriage,
compatibility and similar understanding of your deen is of tantamount
importance. As to "hiding" the fact that you can not
have children, would, as you already realize, be wrong and unfair
to your prospective wife. So, pray for Allah's guidance, be aware
of the options, be honest and may Allah grant you a happy marriage
in the near future!