Does a Long Separation Amount to Divorce?

Broken home, divorce, separation, split family

Does Long Separation Break a Nikah in Islam?

Name of Mufti: Dr. Muzammil Siddiqi
Source: IslamOnline.net, August 3 2004

Question:

As-Salamu `alaykum. If a husband and wife fight each other and after that they do not talk for 3 to 4 years, does this affect their nikah (marriage)?

Answer:

Wa `alaykum As-Salamu wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.

Dear sister in Islam, thank you for your question, which shows how concerned you are to abide by the Shari`ah in all details of your life. May Allah help us all lead a righteous life based on Islam!

First of all, it should be clear that marriage in Islam is a solemn contract for which the Shari`ah lays down rules and arrangements to guarantee its stability.

The spouses should avoid fighting or divorce as much as possible. If they have difficulties and problems they should be patient and forbearing. They have to try to work out their differences and seek help from their relatives, friends, or professional counselors.

In response to your question, Dr. Muzammil H. Siddiqi, former president of the Islamic Society of North America, states:

It is not right for husband and wife to break their relations for such a long time. If there are differences, then they should try to reconcile as soon as possible. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) urged Muslims to reconcile their differences within three days. The one who begins the reconciliation receives the greater reward and blessings from Allah.

However a severance due to strained relationship does not affect the nikah, however long it lasts. They are still husband and wife. If the husband does not reconcile with his wife and remains severed from her, she has a right to file for divorce and take a legal divorce through the court.

But if a husband separates from his wife with an oath that he will not have conjugal relations with her, then he has only four months to reconcile. According to the Qur’an, this is called ila’. [In Shari`ah, ila’ means that the husband swears that he will not have sexual intercourse with his wife, either for an unrestricted period or for more than four months.] Allah says, “Those who swear that they will not go into their wives, the waiting period is four months. Then if they go back, Allah is surely Forgiving, Merciful. If they resolve on a divorce, then Allah is surely hearing and knowing.” (Al-Baqarah: 226-227). At the end of four months if he has not reconciled verbally or in action, then the wife has the right seek divorce through the court. And the judge can grant divorce to her.

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Divorce

30 Comments

  1. Hello, I am in a similar situation. My spouse and I have been seperated for 7 months now. I left him because he had a drug problem, was out until mornings on a daily basis, ignored me, put me down, sold drugs, did drugs in our home, and occasionally hit me. We have had a series of issues since we got married. We were seperated for a while because he hit me and my brother called the cops on him, i dont think he really got over that since he blames me for all the misery in his life..

    Currently i see him when he picks up and drops off Kayan, I have slept with him a few times since.. after all he is my husband..

    i have tried to talk to him so that we can work things out ( i dont think he is completely off drugs but doing a lot better) he says that i am the reason for his misery that i did so much wrong to him that everything i have done is unforgiveable and that i need to move on.

    i talk to him and tell him that i understand but he also hurt me he was also never around for his family,, he also put us in danger and all he says is that i am blind to see that i am the reason for all of this and that things will never be the same that the things i did and the way i went back to my family is unforgiveable and that i cannot make mistakes so big and expect to be forgiven or taken back he is not a mockery..

    i just dont understand how a human can be so ignorant to his mistakes and faults and not feel guilty not even one bit. i dont understand how he can go days without seeing his son or even not pay his child support.

    I am still there for him whatever he needs wether it is a drive somewhere or whether it is money or anything..

    i just dont understand and i dont know what to do anymore either. I am tired and exhausted and so hurt ..

    am i doing the right thing by going for divorce? what should i do? he wont talk to anyone and his whole family hasnt approached mine saying they dont want to get involved. now my family has taken action since i am the girl and it is 3eib.

    i dont know what to do.. i love him so much and i just dont understand what his problem is. i fought for him i married him and my family wasnt too happy about it.. they have done many mistakes towards him (talked about him , belittled him etc..) and he has done many towards them (hit me, be littled me , yelled at them.. etc) i seem to be in the middle of this all and now i have a son with this man and he cant get over it.

    • Dear “Confused”, As-salamu alaykum. To me, the issue is not your husband and his problems. His problems are clear. He’s a jerk, a bad man, a bad husband, and a bad father.

      The real issue is you and your problem, which is your attachment to a bad man. Why on earth would you want to be with a man who hits you, puts you down and does drugs? SubhanAllah. Why would you want to get back together with him?

      You are fooling yourself. He will not change, and you cannot change him. Stop trying to control him, and control yourself instead. Make better choices for yourself.

      Divorce this man. Stop sleeping with him. Stop giving him money and driving him around. Take him to court and demand that he pay child support for his son.

      If you want some other perspectives, you can post your question at our sister site, http://www.IslamicAnswers.com. but I’m sure you will get the same response from others.

      Wael
      Zawaj.com Editor

      • Salam sister. I agree with Wael. I was in the same situation like you though not drugs… PLEASE sister, read the Holy Quran and WAKE UP, Know your RIGHTS given by Allah to you and MOVE ON as a nikah cannot work with only YOU doing all the hardwork.. He will ALWAYS BLAME you as I also experienced the same scenario like you.

        I prayed so hard to Allah and asked for strength to do the right thing. I asked Allah for guidance and i finally managed to break free… a divorce is a right of a muslimah in our circumstances and it set you free and inshallah you find peace and happiness again and so will he…. Trust Allah SWT and you will be guided…just like me. Inshallah.

  2. Hello,

    My mother and father have had a bad marriage since my childhood. They have not been on talking terms for more than five years even though we live in the same house. They have had different rooms and I am sure they have not had any conjugal relations for more than five years either since they do not even look at each other. My father is not a successful man and has never been able to hold a job. He does not have any means or the self-respect to look after himself which is why he has continued to live in our house for so long and my mother allows this even though she does not have any talking or other relation with him. He lives almost like a stranger. When we were little, he was abusive towards us and towards my mother and used to beat her and threaten her. I would like to know if his marriage to my mother is still valid or not. I am sure that my father would have sworn to not have conjugal relations with my mother because he was the one who changed his room first.

    • Saad, I’m sorry to hear about your family’s situation. However, a bad marriage does not mean the marriage is invalid. Even though there may be abuse and a lack of love, it does not invalidate the marriage.

      But I am not a scholar and I cannot give you a legal ruling on the matter. Anyway, I don’t see the point of trying to get the marriage invalidated. If your mother wants a divorce, she can request one.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. We must look at both sides of the story to reach a conclusion and since in some cases it is hard to do that, we will usually make a wrong assumption. A person will not sever sexual relationship with their spouse unless it is for a major cause. This usually involves the spouse betraying the other by having emotional or sexual relationship with someone real close to the other spouse, e.g. friend, sibling, parent, or a person of authority. This is why adultery is listed after shirk and then murder, as the major sins.

    • This is not always the case. Sometimes there is financial wrangling, sometimes a drug addiction, sometimes malicious intent. Not all people have a sound mind or clean intentions.

  4. that’s really the case of MODERN wife and husbands in general, but thanks to Islam that this is not spread yet in our cultures.

  5. my hasband has stoped talking to me for 3 months because of his sister, she is clever and cunning, she just pumps my hasband up of alot of lies and he believes her….i havnt done anything wrong and the worst thing is shes married to my brother and shes got him on her side aswel.shes from pakistan.she tries causing fights and arguments with my mum and other siblings,she does’nt do anything except watch tv,she sleeps all day and if my mum ask’s her for a little help around the house she claims shes no slave!!. we have had enuff of her so my mum wants to send her back as she does’nt have her remain to leave yet.shes also my mum neice.. this is also 1 of the reasons why my hasband wont talk to me.he wants his sister to get her permanent residance in this country..he knows how his sister is towards my mum and ignores it..i also 3 kids..im so fed up…he completly ignores me and we havn’nt had sexual relations for 3 months…im stuck and dont no what to do..

  6. What if the wife asks for a divorce for no real reason, then doesnt ask for the divorce if its going to be a Khula Divorce, but still wants to be seperated and doesnt want any physical contact and wants to live her life alone, but the husband is trying to reconcil. Can she still go to the court to get a divorce after 4 months if the husband doesnt want to give it until the Khula is settled?

  7. Asalam o alaikum i wanted ask is i had a nikah done jus over three years ago but i did not wanted to get my nikkah done due to i did not like the girl but i had to do it for my family’s sake because my uncle who’s daughter i had nikkah done with was creating lots of trouble to my family, but i was not happy with the nikkah i live in different country i did not have any conjugal relation ship never slept with her n did not have any contacts with her in any sence at all with intension of giving her divorce, traditionaly in pakistan some times people jus get the nikkah done but the girl stays at her parents house until the proper traditional marriage is done once it happends then girl goes and lives with the husband but i heard the tradition does not matter as long as the nikkah in done, i have never believed or seen her as my wife, i did not kept intouch with her and i do not want to go along with this nikkah i wanted to know is the nikkah already broken and how would i explain this to my family. Thank you

    • Wa alaykum as-salam brother. What does it mean that you did not believe in the nikah? Were you present when it was done? Did you give your consent? If so, then you are married even without the rukhsati. However, since the marriage was never consummated and you never lived with her, a divorce is quite easy and in fact there is no ‘iddah required. Just give her the pronouncement of divorce and it’s done.

      If it’s your intention to divorce her, then do it now. Do not keep delaying and leaving the poor girl in limbo. She has not done anything wrong, so divorce her and let her go on with her life and maybe find someone else Insha’Allah.

      Wael
      Zawaj.com Editor

  8. Salaams.

    I have a situation with my wife she left me for about one half months because of issues with my family she says that my parents do not accept her and my sister ignores and makes problems.. I dnt like to get involved in those matters and our marriage has been rough ever since… it has been on going i am married for 2 years.. im very confused at the moment because I love her and want to be with her tried calling her back in the first week but she was too angry my parents dont want anything to do with her and I live with them… She asked for seperate accommodation buy my parents are old and sickly she now wants to reconcile but I know its going to be difficult my family says if I take her back they want to move out and i should divorce her instead. Please assist there’s alot of pressure from her to reconcile and from family to divorce. I dnt know wats right and how long many months does it take for marriage to be invalid? I have not pronounced divorce to her as I wish to reconcile.
    Jzk

    • As-salamu alaykum brother Suhail,

      Marriage does not become invalid due to separation. Marriage is only ended by talaq or khul’ah.

      The situation you are describing is very common when the husband and wife live with the husband’s parents. The wife may be treated by the in-laws as a servant or an outsider. Of course her living situation is unhappy. She wants to have her own home, to care for her husband and raise her children.

      I strongly suggest that you get a separate residence for yourself and your wife. That should solve most of the problems. Get a place near to your parents if you feel that they need your help on a daily basis. But it sounds like your sister lives with your parents as well, so do they really need your daily presence in the home?

      There comes a time when a man must move out of his parents’ home and raise his own family. Your parents did it, didn’t they? Now it’s your turn.

      Wael
      Zawaj.com Editor

  9. Hi,

    I was interested in my cousin and we were enganged but after few years when family decided that we should get married, she called me and told me that she had talked with her parents many time that she don’t want to marry me as she liked someone else. We tried at our ends but Pakistani family care much about their respect. As all the familes attached with us knew that we are getting married and we are enganged for 4-5 years so our families forced us that its will get fine when you guys will get married and your understanding will develop.
    When nothing got in favour she called me and told me that she like someone but for family sake we have to get marry and you promise me that you will give me divorce as everything will get calm in family. I promised that ill try my best to give her divorce as soon as possible.minimum in 6 months and maximum in 1 year.
    we didn’t started practical life. i remained out of city all the time and when i was at home.i try not to get interaction with her alone so that she don’t feel comfortable as her feeling were not with me.
    Now from last 1 year she is living in her mother home because of personal reasons. We don’t meet obviously and we had just salam etc when we meet on any function and that is for 1-2 min.

    So is my relation still there? or i have to say in words also to her that i gave divorce? or divorce automatically done as the relation was based on just showing nikkah and on next day of nikkah i promised her that ill give divorce. few months ago she said me that get the papers ready and i todl her that they are ready. although inreality they are not.but ill get them ready asap. but just tell me about my realtion and nikkah status? i think its already finished….

  10. May Allah have mercy on us…
    Iam in the process of getting a divorce from my husband , it’s a stage filled with pain after years from my side trying to solve things out , bad marriage takes out the worse in you ,confusion is there and unbearable life ,separation for long months, no Mawada or sakeena, kids witnessing the horror of this marriage, so ladies try all your best , but still things keep getting worse then a decision must be taken , and I’m taking it now before getting older , and just rely on Allah,we have no option, pray for me please….it’s a very tough time ahead
    Thanks

  11. Hi,
    Will anyone reply to my query, posted a couple of days ago….?

  12. hi all…. i want to ask a question about the validity of a nikah….is a nikah valid if a man lies about his name to a girl at the time of getting married? also, if right after the nikah, the girl goes back to her parents’ house and never sees the man again for 3 yrs, does the nikah remain valid? pls respond…

    • muslima300, on your second question (long separation) the answer is yes, the nikah remains valid. On the first question (lying about his name), I do not know.

  13. Ive been seperated from my husband for a year now. We dont have kids we dont own property or anything i grew up in usa and he in a different country. I am currently in usa. I filed for divorce because he has been cheating in facebook he browses through clubs when im on my period and also lied about being married to someone else. He is not stable he comes to usa then goes back within 3 months…our marriage together has only been 6 months out of the year i gave up studying to go back with him onl to find out his habits r the same. I am emotionally sick and i look crazy to people i throw things and i cant stand standing with him or anything. In all im not looking to get back i dont live in my country i dont know the laws. I filed a divorce here my mom is ok with and my dad is not doing anything but he wants the divorce to happen. Will my divorce through the courts be vaild.

    • Sara, I’m not totally familiar with U.S. divorce laws. Are they the same in every state? As far as I know it’s fairly easy to obtain a divorce, isn’t it?

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • yes its easy, you just go to court and file for it and it takes 3 months. if you have kids and assets together takes longer. But my father wants me to divorce but hes not taking action i want to divorce and my husband doesnt want to so i went ahead and took action.

  14. My parents have an on and off fighting relationship. Currently they haven’t talked for a week. My dad says that my mom doesn’t give him respect. My mo believes the same. My mom and dad had a fall out in the car a week ago and they cursed out each other and their mothers and fathers talking about them sleeping around. It is a big insult in our culture and none of them are getting over it. I don’t know what to do in this situation. I do know that my mother is at more fault but I can not say that. None of them are willing to talk. They both tell me their problem and their complaints about each other. Please tell me what I can do in this situation. This problem is consistent they can go up to a month without speaking and this problem has been in place for about 5 years. i I want to find a lasting solution for this problem what should I do??

  15. My husband and I have been nikkah’d for 6 years now but my parents still have not decided on a rukhsati date. His parents have called my mom numerous times but my mom always has some sort of excuse. This is really putting a strain on our ‘marriage’ I love him but the wait just doesn’t seem to end. We don’t have physical relations with each other and we live very far away from one another. Would it be best to just separate?

    • hadia, As-salamu alaykum. The “Rukhsati” is a cultural invention, not an Islamic requirement. The fact is that since you have had your nikah, this man is your husband. Your place is with him. I cannot understand why you would remain with your parents for six years after being married. It makes no sense. And why would you consider divorce if you love him?

      What you should do is pack your bag and ask your husband to come pick you up. Go live with him and begin your married life. You do not need your mother’s permission for this. Now that you are married, your loyalty and duty is to your husband. Your parents have no right to keep you from him.

      Wael
      Zawaj.com Editor

  16. Please help me. I got married a year and a half ago and my husband has no interest in any sort of physical relationship between us, he always makes a excuse like he’s got a headache, backache etc. We hardly had a sex life after the first 10 days of our marriage. Due to this reason aswell as the fact hes never financially supported me or my 8 yr old son we have seperated
    It’s been about 6 months now, he says he can not and will not have a physical relationship with me as it’s not that important but it’s had a effect on me. I feel as if I am living with a na mehraam, he feels like a brother or roommate. He even avoids sleeping in the same bed as me aswell as changing infront of me.
    He says if I want to stay with him I have to accept this
    He never told me all this before we got married, he should have told me he only wanted companionship. We r in our mid 30s. This is my second marriage and I m very stressed I don’t want a divorce but at the same time how do I live the rest of my life like this? There’s no closeness between us, no love, he never gave it a chance to build. Any sort of physical contact is always a NO from him. I feel very unattractive and frustrated around him, he puts me down and yells at me of I ask him for sex, he said I should just b happy I got married again and that I don’t live at home with my parents anymore and tht my son has a father. M too selfish, I want too much? It’s not like he wants to have little sex, I would have worked around that, but he doesn’t want any in the relationship.

    • As-salamu alaykum sister. My guess is that your husband is either impotent, or homosexual. If it’s the first then maybe he is embarrassed to admit it. The good news is that it can be treated. If it’s the second, then there is no future in this marriage. When you consider that he also does not support you financially, I’d say the separation is the best thing, and that you should ask him for talaq.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  17. Assalamu’alaikum wrwb

    I met my husband online because I wanted to know him by keeping my chastity. He was nice and charming and wanted to marry me. At that time, I had several options and I prayed istikharah. I saw him in a dream with two children, an older daughter and a younger son; so I assumed it was my answer, so I talked to my parents. They did want him to marry me unless he came to propose directly. He sent his IDs and after he came to our country, he proposed directly and we got married then he brought me to another country where we live now because he has a job here.

    Little did I know, that my parents had been refusing several proposal because some of those men wanted to bring me abroad. Had they talked or discussed it with me, I would have considered to be away far from them like now. My mom told me the day before I left the country and I started to feel regret. However, it is my destiny, written 50.000 years before Allah created the universe.

    I know well if Allah loves someone, He will test him or her to purify his or her soul from sin and even in Qur’an, we cannot say we have faith unless He tests us.

    So, since I moved to this country with my husband, left my whole family and friends and even my dream job, I had started to get tests by tests such as he said to a girl that I was only his friend, or he started to abuse me verbally and emotionally.

    He lost temper so easily, so I gave up my hobby because if he saw me happy to read a book to learn something new, or even to learn a new recipe, he will say things to hurt me, such as I was being lazy or I was using his money for nothing, even though it was for cooking.

    The way he normally speaks to me, he will raise his voice but he will change it so sweet and with a nice tone, if he got a phone call, or if he met someone.
    He never walk beside me, always in front of me. And if he meets non moslem people, he will walk with them and left me behind.

    If he saw me reading, he would say I was being lazy. I was so lonely without family or I have no close friend yet, but he was keeping his distance from me, as if we were a room mate. I even started to think that he was a gay at the beginning of marriage, because he did not want to touch me.

    However, I was patient and I kept doing my best to be a good wife, hoping that my husband will be better if we got baby. So after three years of marriage, I got pregnant, and he started to lost his temper easier than ever. When I was three or four month pregnant, he took a dining chair and hit my head. I thought I was going to die, so I said my shahadah and hoping that my baby would be alive. My head was bleeding, on the back. I was terrified and thought I would need a MRI or CT scan, worried that something bad happened in my brain, because I got headache so bad and I was in a great shock, found out how come a man dare to hit his own pregnant wife with a chair. The next day I went to the clinic, I lied. I said I knocked my head and it was bleeding. Luckily the doctor said it was only the scratched from my head pin. Allah had protected me. So, I tried to forgive him and hoping after the baby will be born, he will be better.

    He had promised me that if he got married with me, he would start to learn to read Qur’an, then he always got angry if I reminded him to learn. Because he made a mistake to read Surat An-Naas and Al-Falaq, sometimes Al-Fatihah, once when he tried to be an imam, either only for me or with the guest. I was soooo embarrassed. He wasn’t embarrassed at all, he always makes an excuse of growing up in the west and never got a chance to learn Qur’an or Arabic, even though he is from Arabic background. Everytime he said that, I reminded him how many new reverts who successfully learn to read Qur’an and even memorize Qur’an. They were born as non muslims, many of them never heard Islam before, especially in the West. Then, he would get angrier and started to lose his control and become physically abuse. So, I was so afraid to remind him about Islam.

    He doesn’t pray at home, but if he goes to the mosque with his friend, he said he prays. If I said he needs to pray five times a day, he would become angry. At the beginning of marriage, he did not pray jum’at because he said he did not get the permission to pray from work. I understand, but it is his responsibility as a moslem man to pray jum’at and he got angrier. So, I stop reminding him and he always talks back that I am better in knowledge than him, etc.

    Finally, I have an older daughter and a younger son, as in my dream after istikharah. However, I felt sooo dry in my marriage. We live as if we are roommate. He asked me to do everything, and he always verbally and emotionally abusive. Then if I start to defend myself, he become violent physically. My children grew in this kind of marriage, and I felt pity to them. But they were so young.

    My husband kept harassing me by saying I only enjoy everything like a queen, he is the one who provide the family and I do nothing, despite the fact that it was me who make sure that the children are healthy, clean, well fed, and I taught them Islam since they were very young. My daughter remember Ayatul Kursi as such a young age and started to read Qur’an, to the point that her teachers were surprise when she started the Qur’anic class in the mosque, because she remembers many Islamic stories about the prophets, some du’a etc. Again, I had to be patient with my husband’s anger, to ask him to register my daughter to the masjid.

    When he knew how famous my daughter, being one of the smartest in Islamic knowledge in the classroom, despite the fact that her father doesn’t even read Qur’an and her mother is not even from real Arabic background, my husband was so proud and started to take my daughter to the mosque and then my son, when he started to study there as well.

    Due to the fact that my husband cannot control of his temper, my children and I lived in a fear. When my children heard his steps on the stairs outside our apartment, my children will run and hide themselves. Still, they were so young so I could not do anything.

    My husband asked me out twice for unreasonable thing. The first one because I gave him a hot tea and I put something under his glass, to prevent the spill, because he drank next to the computer. He got so mad and starts to abuse me verbally and finally asked me out. My children were crying but I left to the mosque. I was ashamed to speak to the imam and my husband texted me to pick up my children, because he took them to the place where he gives a computer course; as if nothing happened. No sorry, nothing.

    The second one, he accused me of adultery so I went straight to the mosque to ask guidance. when my kids came to ask me to go home, I asked them where is their Daddy. I asked them to call their daddy then I will come home. My husband refused, via my children, he said to ask me to come home without even feeling guilty or ashamed or asked forgiveness.
    I asked him to come down, via my children, then when he was on the corridor, I knocked the door of the imam and asked him to come. He refused of course, but then he was ashamed because the imam saw him and asked him to come inside. So we all went inside, with my children. Then I told the imam everything and the imam said to be patient and told me that my husband is from another country so he used to live like that, between husband and wife. I said to him, it is not Islamic. That time, I already learn Tafsir Ibnu Katsir, bought the whole set from my own salary, to quench my thirst of learning Islam, because I felt so dry living with a husband who doesn’t practice. So, I said to imam the story of Aishah RA, and I said what my husband did to accuse me adultery is not permissible in islam. The imam asked me to be patient and that probably it is a matter of culture differences. He said my husband loves me so much, so my husband felt that the imam defended him. Of course the imam knew him, because my husband likes to go to the mosque with his friends, even though he doesn’t pray at home. I knew the imam tried to reconcile both of us again. So, we went home and my husband said that nobody will ever trust me, because all of people know well how good he is, as a husband, a father, a coworker, a neighbour etc. I said to him, Allah knows well who he is, that he can lie or pretend to be good to other people so that people think he is nice, but Allah knows his intention and Allah knows his heart.

    He likes to say I was useless, I could not provide for the family. I said to him, the children were young and they need me. He said the children can stay in the daycare so he put them. Then he said because of my hijab, I would never work in an office or found a nice job, so he threat me and asked me to find a job in the factory and he said he will pay me if I found a job in the factory. I was crying and literally almost begging when I gave my CV away to several stores until I lost my purse, due to the bad feeling so I forgot it. I went back to track it down to each stores or small company where I went to give my CV out and the owner of one driving school called me. He gave me my purse and he said sorry not to hire me. He even mentioned that he is moslem and pitied me.

    I finally prayed a lot that Allah will give me a very nice job or at least a decent job so my husband stop bugging me with his words. He hurts me mentally more than physically. Subhanallah, I finally got a job in a healthcare industry, but it was about two years after, because I finally convinced my husband to let me learn something so I can earn a diploma to find a decent job. I had no choice but to put my children in the daycare, but Allah knows everything.

    One day my daughter came back home from school and gave me a book. This is kind of an agenda for a year, what she should do and who helped her to do her homework or study. She put no one helped her because Mommy was always busy at home after work. I cried when I read that, feeling that I neglect her. But she said that she understood I had to work at home too and could not help her at all, because Daddy will be angry if I sit with her to teach something. What she said is true. Whenever my husband saw me with my children, either playing with them or read something, or teaching them something, he will start bugging me, saying bad things to distract me, as if I was being lazy and I was useless etc. So, my daughter understood what’s happened since a young age. She was on the first grade that time. So young.

    Years by years, finally my son was five years old and oneday my husband took my kids to play in the park with his friend. My son learned the bicycle and my daughter rode hers in front of him, until my son’s bicycle stuck on the rain’ trail and he called me daughter, so my daughter help him out. They both told me what happened, I was surprised where was my husband when it happened. I could have lost him, if Allah destined the train came, I could have lost my son; so I complained to my husband. He got very mad and hit me in front of the children. But that time, I recorded it in my cellphone as a prove. My children started to protect me and asked him to stop his rage. Few days later, when I bathed my son, I found his legs full of blue marks and he said his Daddy pinched him for lying to me about being stuck on the train rail. Astaghfirullah. I took the picture as another prove.

    And since then on, everytime my husband got mad, which is 95% day and night, even without reason, my children started to protect me by holding me, both of them. Since then on, I woke up. It is not normal anymore, if he woke up doing nothing, not even to help me prepare the kids or breakfast, but he yelled at me, saying bad things to me. It is not normal if at 2 am or 3 am, we could not sleep because he started to yell at me to do something that normally we do it in the daytime, a housechore. Because whenever we slept, I cleaned up the apt. And I had been sleeping with the kids, because before having kids, my husband like to sleep on the couch, then when we have kids, I love to hug them and they love to hug me. So, when he came to our room to yell at me at 2 am, my kids too were not be able to go back to sleep again.

    Yes, indeed. It is not normal if the father came home and the children hide themselves. It is not normal for the children to protect their mother. It is the adult who protect the children not vice versa. And it is the father who has to protect the whole family.

    So, I woke up and started to ask for help. I tried to talk to some sisters, at least to have someone who care, but they think it is a normal fight between husband and wife.

    I read online that I have an abusive husband and my marriage is toxic. But leaving him was difficult. My husband kept saying that I did not provide for the family even though I have a job. Then I checked my bank account and found out that he took the money in our joint account, where I have a direct deposit from the company. When I reminded him, he became violent.

    So, since my children started to protect me, I finally went to a social service. At first I called, I lied. Because they are not moslem, and I don’t want them to portrait moslem always bad. So, I found the social service with Islamic background and I went there.

    I got an advice to open my own bank account and if he starts to hit me I have to call the police. But when I came back home, he wanted to hit me, because he asked me where did I go and I had to lie, because if he found out I went to a social worker, he will hit me. He lost his temper and almost punch me, the kids were crying and asking him to stop by protecting me.

    I called the police and they came, but because he didn’t really hit me (just threatened me as usual with his behaviour and words as if he wanted to hit me and the children protected me), the police did not do anything. I felt pity to my children, and I didn’t want them to experience having a cop taking their father to the prison. What a life they will have in the future.

    So, I said to the police that I called them to give advice to my husband to stop being in rage. The police said do not call unless there is a prove he has hit me.

    Since then, my husband used it against me. That if the police did not take him to the prison, he is not abusive. That if he doesn’t leave any bruises if he hit me, he is not abusive.
    But abusive is not always proven and I read a lot of case the women did not report to the police and the abuser got worse.

    The social worker told me to anticipate that my husband will become worse and worse and his rage is more frequent than ever, and she was right.

    I started to take an evening class in a university, one evening per week, so only one course per semester, because my manager encouraged me to study more if I want to advance my career. I am not ambisious in career, but because I cannot stand living with a man who humiliate me as if I am useless, stupid, a burden and cannot get income, I needed to prove to my husband that I am better than what he thought about me.

    So, because I started to study again, I open another bank account and everytime I got a salary, I took some of my money and deposit it to another bank. I called several imam to get their opinion, and they said they need to speak to my husband directly before I decide to move or asked for divorce, because the marriage in Islam is to have a peaceful life, not living in a hell like this with his abusive behaviour. Unfortunately, my husband always refuse to talk to imam or meet any one of them. He said it is me who has the problem, and I have a jinn, loosing my mind or need to see psychology. I got used to listen to these words, since the beginning of marriage. So, I went to an imam who can do ruqyah and he said he will come to the house if my husband agreed. But my husband lied to him, so until now this imam never came to do ruqyah. I said to him, if what my husband said is true, that I have a jinn, I would be more than happy to ask the jinn out of my body by getting ruqyah. But it has to be me and him and even the children or the house. I said to him I want to save the family.

    I came to him after having a dream, the answer of my istikharah again. In my dream, my husband played with some male kids (not ours) and I was watching him in awe then someone knocked the door. A big boy came, teenager and he sat down to play with my husband. Then another person knocked the door and an imam with white Arabic dress, with a black beard came inside. He asked me if I had a Qur’an and I said yes, so I took the Green Qur’an from Mecca which I used to read. He asked me to open the Qur’an and start to read. I asked him which surah? anything? why not asking my husband, because I know how to read Qur’an not him. In my dream I felt the imam wanted to test me, so at the beginning I refused to read the Qur’an. Then he insisted, asking me to read. So I open and he asked me to start reading. I said to him, the surah is very easy, even the kids can read it and memorize it. He said, read. I said, “Are you sure? I can read it. Give me another surat, any surat in the middle of the Qur’an”. He asked me to read, so I read. It was surah An-Nashr. He asked me to repeat the reading three times, and asked me to memorize it three or four times. Again, I said I can memorize it since I was a kid. He insisted again and he said I have to remember it, he reminded me again and again and he walked to my husband but he did not talk to him. Instead he look up and he said be careful with this house at night. That is why I went to the imam who knows the ruqyah and asked him if he could do the ruqyah in our apartment.

    I do not know the tafsir of the dream, but I know surat An-Nasr is about the help and victory. Until now, everytime I feel so overwhelmed by being a single mom, separated from my husband, and if I think back of my past, living with him for 12 years of bad and toxic marriage, I remember this surah and I felt peaceful. I feel that Allah will help me. Aaamiin.

    One day, my husband threatened me again and said if I want to leave, go ahead. I then looked and found an apartment, in the same area, because I want my children can see their father, even though I will be separated.

    When my husband saw my first cheque to pay the down payment for the first month of that apartment, he asked me to go back to him and started all over again. So, I cancelled the lease and I lost that money. But I thought, I need to save this family, and hopefully Allah will give me back the money.

    But then, since he knew I did not have anywhere else to go away from him, he started more violent, day and night with his words or behaviour.

    He woke up doing nothing because he will start to take my children to school around 8 am then he will go to work. He spitted on me one morning, before I went to work, in front of my children. I had to change my hijab and clean my face, before going to work. I was so sad, shock and emotionally broken hearted, so I did not realize when I was crossing the street, the light was changing from yellow to red, and one police came to me and fined me.

    I felt so sick and could not sleep so my coworkers asked me. I lied to them, I said I had to read a lot for my school, so I could not sleep well. I got sick, but I had to keep working. If I stayed home, I was afraid of him. Because he will keep calling me or emailing me or texting me, with his bad words. So, I lost confidence but I keep praying to Allah for the way out.

    I went to another imam with my children, because they did not want to stay with their father anymore during the weekend. I asked if It is okay if I moved just to gain my confidence and thinking over everything. I said I was not ready for asking the divorce, I have no family in this country. He said it is allowed to separate and then thinking over. So, I signed up another apartment, a block away from my husband.

    It has been six months now, I am separated from him. I gain my confidence, I live in peace and now I even forgive him, because I do not want to be stuck with this problem on the day of judgement.

    But, one thing for sure, I do not want to go back to him again. Especially, when I tried to ask his family to remind him, last summer. He asked to take the children to see his parents in his country in Europe.

    At the beginning I did not want to go but my daughter said she wanted to know her family there, but my kids begged me to come along, because they don’t want to go only with their father. So, I paid my own ticket and went to my in laws. His father admit that his son has a bad temper but he could not help me but then he went to his country. Then for another two weeks I stayed with my mother in law and still feel something strange.

    The last Friday in Europe, I went to the masjid with my husband and his brother. As I said, my husband goes to the masjid, but at home he doesn’t pray. That’s what his brothers and sisters do at home, I never saw them praying or reading Qur’an. But then it is not my business. I just thought they live like that so my husband gets this habit from his home, only pray when people notice at the mosque.

    During the sermon, the imam reminded how important to give an Islamic education for our children and he gave one example that it is not normal if the children hide when the father went home. Allahu Akbar. I felt as if I need to do something.

    So, after shalatul Jum’at, I prayed istikharah. I asked Allah guidance, because I believe what Rasul said that there is a moment on Friday, when Allah will answer our du’a. We stayed for a while until ashr or almost ashr, because my husband met his friends and wanted to say goodbye.

    And right away, when we came back, when we had lunch, when as usual my husband family share the bad stories about other people or talk about who got a nice job with a nice salary (I think that explain why my husband likes to talk bad about other moslem, or imam, etc, he got it from his family), I tried to change the topic about what the imam said during the sermon that It is important to teach Islamic education for the children.

    In my own family, it is very normal if we eat together and talk about Islam, or the condition of other moslem in Palestine, Bosnia (when I was young), etc. So, I tried to bring the sermon topic during lunch, to change the topic from backbiting to talking something positive.

    His mom got mad to me suddenly, and then his sister started to yell at me and my daughter cried because then her father started to yell at me with his family against me. I said to them, why they got mad, isn’t true what the imam said? His mom said why I bring that topic, she educated her children well. I said, I was not talking about her. I was talking in general. I realized then, that his family got angry easily.

    Then they started to bring the topic why I separated and took the kids away from my husband. It seems my husband lied to them so they misunderstood.
    I said to them, I cannot live with him always in fear and I move only a block away from him. I even said, I came there to accompany my children so they can see their grandparents and family, even though I did not want to go. And I went because both my children begged me to go with them, because they did not want to go with their father.

    Basically, they defend him to the point that it is not abusive if my husband hit me few times. For them, his bad words and behaviour, insult, name calling, etc doesn’t mean an abuse. For them, abuse is if he beats me every single day. So I told them abuse has different phases and the frequency getting more and more or worse if the victim doesn’t have any help.

    Anyway, I learned that It is not a good idea to continue my marriage with him. However, I could not tell my parents because they are far away and getting older and they had been worried that if I left the country with a strange man, I would end up like this. And now it happens, by Allah’s will.

    Then when we came back, my husband started to send email to my brothers, accusing me of kidnapping the kids and he even texted me asking me back all the money he gave to raise this family and that I owed him at least 10000$.

    I got fed up, and finally little by little I explain to my mom what happened, in order to get her du’a. My parents always pray for me and I need their du’a. When my father heard that I have been separated for 5 months, he asked me (through mom), if my husband ever asked me to come back. I said no. Then he asked me if my husband provide us financially, I said no, because I pay everything from my own pocket now. He gives us a cheque of 300$ per month for child support, but I realized that this money belongs to the kids anyway, from the government. So, basically, he does not support us financially.

    But, for 12 years when I was with him, I had to be ready for his anger in order to ask him buying milk or meat for us. He used to say not to cook in order to save money, but then when I did not really cook, he said I was being lazy. I think he just used whatever it is against me, to make my life uncomfortable so I leave him. Then, I stopped asking him when I got my own salary. I shop for my own. I felt he made my life unbearable so I will leave.

    And now, since I really leave, he doesn’t want me back, even though he said his door is open for me, because he doesn’t change his keys. I came back to his apartment to take my Islamic books which I collected after I got a job and have my own salary, but I did not have time to read because he will start to insult me if I read or study anything, saying I was being lazy and used the reading as an excuse not to do anything, even though I read during the night when the kids were asleep and well fed and the house was clean.

    So now, it has been six months of separation. I remember my Dad said, if he does not provide anymore and does not ask me to go back to him, it means talaq, even though he does not say that in words. I have a right to ask for divorce.

    Is that true? Sometimes I feel tired working then at home I still have to do many things, and my children likes to yell to each other or fighthing now, maybe they learned from my husband subconsciously. But, it is so peaceful living without him and now I start to read Shahih Bukhari, I need to learn something to make myself better. So, I don’t want to come back to him.

    Is it allowed to ask for divorce? Am I divorced or not already? Please help.
    Jazakallahu khairan katsiron.

    • Goodness, sister, I am amazed that it took you so long to leave him, especially after he began abusing the children. Even if you do not protect yourself, you have an obligation to protect the children. Anyway, Alhamdulillah that you are separated from him now.

      As far as I know there is no such law that separation without support means divorce. Divorce requires either talaq or a khul’ah issued by a judge. Ask your husband for a talaq in writing. Islamically it does not have to be in writing but it’s good to have proof.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Thank you for your answer.
        He never wants to divorce me. He keeps blaming me for leaving him and threatening that he kids will become wild without a father and that my son will join a gang or become a drug abuser, etc. He even wants to visit my family with us (for the second time after married me 12 years ago), saying that my father is old and ill. Then, I never want to go with him anywhere, and I am afraid he will make a scene in front of my family because when he cannot stop his anger, he will start to yell and scream. He did that in a mall, once, until a security guy came with his walkie talkie, probably ready to help me if I asked. It was because my son separate my husband`s hand from holding (and crushing) my hand, while he said he need me to hold his hand because I was his wife, to show people he was my husband. It was so humiliated, not romantic at all, and I began to feel pain and my son separate his hand from mine. He got angry to my 6 y.o son, and began to hold me again. Again, my son separate us and hold my hand instead. This happened again and again and every time his anger became worse and finally he shouted at my son, calling him as a bad son, etc. till a security came.
        So, I don`t want to go with him anywhere, this was what I was afraid of. If I go somewhere as a family, I want to have a normal journey, not scared something like this will happen.
        My family asked me to be patient, not to ask for divorce yet, but I feel I am torn apart, still stay in marriage while I feel I am not even married, that’s why I wrote my story here.
        I am afraid, as my husband always said, that I will end up in the hell, because I am a bad wife. Now he and his family have more reasons to blame me, because I cannot fulfill my duty as a wife while we are separating. But it is better than living with him again.

        Sorry to write such a long story, there were so many things happened during 12 years of marriage and many of them are not being told yet because I don`t want people got tired of reading it. All I need is a clarity. It is still scary to ask for divorce while I live alone without any family except for my two young children with me.

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