Interracial Marriages in Islam
Thoughts and advice on interracial marriage in Islam
By ibnabeeomar
MuslimMatters.org
Thoughts and Advice on Interracial Marriages
This is a post I have been thinking about writing for quite some time because I have a lot of thoughts on this issue (the reasons why may be obvious from the rest of this post) and I wanted to get them down and get some feedback from other Muslims. Here is how I want to focus this topic:
1. Before Marriage – Stereotypes/Obstacles
2. During Marriage – Culture Clash, Confused Kids, and Bewildered in-Laws
3. Societal Ramifications (focus on living in the US)
4. Parting Comments
Before Marriage – Stereotypes and Obstacles
No matter your background, an interracial marriage will be met with obstacles on both sides. It is especially the case for the generation of people whose parents were immigrants, and they themselves were raised here. To even broach the idea of an interracial marriage will spring forth 100 year old stereotypes of other cultures you never even knew existed. It is particularly sad when these are directed at other Muslim groups. For example, a Pakistani trying to marry an Arab will no doubt hear many “Arabs are this…” or “Arabs are that…” type of comments.
Even those who marry within the race will often face problems in marrying outside the tribe, or people from a specific part of the same country, so much so that some people even consider these marriages to be against the norm.
Muslims who are the first generation to be born and raised in the West face a unique dilemma. They must harmonize between finding someone who is suitable religiously, and culturally. The cultural aspect can get confusing because while a person may be Indian, they have more in common with a Bengali person who grew up here also as opposed to an Indian person from ‘back home.’
It is that point though, that parents have a tough time coming to grips with. It seems some have missed the fact that their kids have a distinct culture that’s different that what they think they taught them. This is why it is frustrating to see many marriages being held up because someone’s parents are looking from a family who is from the same village back home.
It is good to see the trend of our youth overlooking the racial/ethnic lines in marriage, and trying to marry for the deen, however, the obstacles are often great. Many families are not accepting of such marriages, and many face great difficulties in pursuing them. The hardest part is breaking stereotypes that people have formed, or been brought up with. These are literally ideologies they may have held for the vast majority of their lives. The culture and environment their kids have been brought up in though, does not hald fast to these same ideals.
During Marriage
This is where the toughest adjustment comes, and the cultural differences must be overcome. For purposes of this article, we will go ahead and assume that alhamdulillah as far as the deen is concerned, both parties are mashallah practicing and on the same page in regards to their religion. It is what comes outside of that which can cause problems.
The first problem is, if I may term it so, latent cultural tendencies. By this I mean that once a person is married, they are now in a stage of life that they have not experienced before (assuming its the first marriage). Since this is the case, the only ‘experience’ they have to revert back to is that of their own parents. A person might not realize these things before marriage, but after a kid the husband may start acting a certain way, and due to the way he was brought up, he will have certain expectations as to what his wife should do as a mother. The wife, having been brought up differently, may have the opposite expectation. This is a situation where the culture has caused a clash despite the fact that neither one may actually be a cultural Pakistani, or a cultural Arab in the traditional sense.
In-laws are another issue that comes up. Different cultures have vastly different expectations of their sons-in-law or daughters-in-law, and an interracial marriage will bring about an abrupt adjustment period for them. Language barriers can also be an issue here. It is unfortunate that this aspect of an interracial marriage is often the most overlooked despite the heavy emphasis in Islam on preserving the family ties. Deen may very well be an extremely strong bond in preserving your marriage, but does that same bond exist with your spouse’s parents, uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, and other family members?
Kids add another dimension, and quite possibly the toughest. The husband/wife must be prepared to deal with difficulties their children may endure from being of mixed-race. There’s also issues of what languages to teach them, and how to communicate in the house. It is important for these issues to be agreed upon before getting married. Everyone has seen families where the mother and children communicate in one tongue, and the father is often left out in the cold and ends up disconnected from the family.
Societal Ramifications
A Muslim couple enjoying the sunset
Obviously interracial marriages are not for everyone, not everyone desires one (most probably don’t), and not everyone is cut out for one.
With that said, it is encouraging to see a rising trend in these marriages. We are after all, one ummah. Our cultures do enrichen our ummah, but they cannot come before our religion. To see more couples and mixed-race children is a very apparent way of breaking down some barriers and stereotypes that exist within our societies. It exposes Muslims of one culture more intimately to those from another, and in the end I feel it increases the bonds of brotherhood and sisterhood.
It is also important in our times, to not let ourselves become segregated too much, otherwise we will end up with masjids separated out like the “black churches” or “white churches.” I know that exists to some degree now, but alhamdulillah I think most of the bigger masaajid in bigger communities are very diverse (even if the board members might all be from one country, but that’s a different story).
Tariq Nelson made a pertinent point on his blog,
I am of the controversial opinion that increased interracial/intercultural marriage is one of the ways that will lead to a meshing of a singular American Muslim identity. This would eventually lead to more of a blending in this country, culturally and genetically, of the many Muslim cultures as well as the American one. Intermarriage is one of the ways people that were once even somewhat hostile can become one group.
The most important role interracial marriages may play in this is the affect that they will have on their family and friends. At the very least it will force them to look past their cultural identity and see a first-hand example of a family that is insha’Allah putting their religion above all else – about making themselves Muslim before being anything else.
Parting Comments
First and foremost we should ask Allah (swt) to purify our intentions and grant us the tawfeeq to make all of our actions for Him and for Him alone. Marriage in general is not a goal in and of itself, but it is a means of worshipping Allah by trying to establish a family upon the Sunnah.
If someone chooses to pursue an interracial marriage, they really need to “check yourself before you wreck yourself” and make sure they are ready to deal with the consequences of their decisions. I have outlined just a small sampling of the obstacles that one might face. People really need to do some self-introspection and see where they stand, see what their maturity level is, and know what they can handle before getting involved in anything.
Once a person does become involved in an interracial marriage, the most important thing is to have patience. A lot of things will come your way, but you must persevere through them as a Muslim should. Remember also that all your actions, and your family in the public eye, will be under much more scrutiny than most. One of the saddest things is the attitude people have towards interracial couples of “let’s see how long that will last.” People will be expecting your marriage to fail. It’s not right, but it’s a reality.
Know that it will take time for the families of both parties to integrate and become comfortable with one another. The key is for both people to be willing to put up with that and work towards their ultimate goal of insha’Allah having a good Muslim family. Even outside of family, you will deal with smaller things like trying to fit into social groups that exist in masaajid and communities, or being looked at as the ‘token interracial couple’ of an event, etc.
But insha’Allah if it is successful, there is a huge potential for making dawah and helping to make impact in society. Also, don’t forget the fringe benefit of having super-cute children masha’Allah 
These are just some brief thoughts I had on this matter, really I think a whole book can be written on this subject, but I did want to see people’s attitudes towards it. Would you consider it for yourself? What about for your children? What about for your siblings? How do you feel when you see an interracial couple?
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About the Author: ibnabeeomar is from the southern USA. A computer science guy who doesnt actually do real IT work, stuck in corporate America (where else can one find time for blogs?). He has a strange fascination with eating chicken tikka at every desi restaurant he visits. He is also married with kids.
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Salamu 3alaikum,
Whether this marriage is inter or intra-cultural, a lot of Muslims today find spouses on their own, especially when it comes for inter-cultural marriages. In fact the great vast majority of the time when it comes to inter-cultural marriages, it’s the two spouses who find each other either through school, university, work, friends, community and so on. In Islam there’s nothing wrong with that, but the brothers and sisters must be extremely careful on how to do it, they must know exactly what they’re doing as things can very easily slip up between the two. So yes Islam condemns racism, but Islam also strictly forbids pre-marital relationships and for the brothers and sisters who don’t know, they must learn how to communicate with the opposite gender and how to approach a potential spouse within the realm of the sharia.
Yes, good point brother Muhammad, jazak Allah khayr. You’re right, most cross-cultural marriages are obviously not arranged by the families. The couples meet in other places, and sometimes such meetings can lead to haram if the couple are not careful and do not follow the Islamic manners of courting.
Assalamu alaikum,
I agree with both of you. For those who are considering marrying someone outside of your culture I would suggest that first off you make sure that whatever communication you two intend to have that it is done in a proper Islamic manner. Meaning that whatever you two discuss does not cross the boundaries of proper Islamic etiquette. Also, because you may have met someone in a non-traditinal way, (internet, school) does not mean that your parents or a relative should not be involved or at least know who this person is. That is very important. You don’t want this relationship to begin on rocky terms because you failed to discuss this with family members. The main thing is communication, communication and more communication.
How do I know about this? Well I met my wife on this website 9 years ago. We got married August 19, 2001 in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia. My wife is originally from Pakistan and I am African American who grew up in the Bronx, NY. She was living in Saudi at the time. We comminucated over the internet for a couple of months before deciding to get married. We talked about what our expectations were, what we liked and disliked in a partner. We discussed our goals and always spoke about Islam because that was first and foremost in our lives. Once we decided that we were right for each other then it was time for the families to get involved. I spoke to her family member’s over the phone and met her brother in NY. Shortly after our meeting ended and we were both heading back to our homes, ( He lived in Toronto) I received the message that he approved. Again, I can’t stress this enough, we have to communicate with each other.
Inter racial or cultural marriage can be a beautiful thing. It opens up a whole new understanding of people and this beautiful mosaic within Islam. Unfortunately there will alway be people who out of ignorance and racism will never except this. My wife had friends who told here that she should not marry me because all African American Muslims have been to jail and have used drugs. What an ignorant statement. We can all make stereo typical comments about everyone but does it make it right? No it is not right and I will never except that notion.
After nine years of marriage my wife and I still talk all the time. A good marriage needs to have work on both sides put into it. If you are willing to put in the time to make it work it will be a beautiful thing no matter what culture you come from. Just make sure that everything you do is for the sake of Allah.
May Allah bless your marriage brother. When choosing a spouse the most important thing to consider is to look at the person’s religious, character and personality because this can make or break the marriage, but there’s no doubt sharing the same culture, language and having family compatibility helps in maintaining the marriage, but deen comes before anything. There was this brother once who was going out with a sister, I’m not going to say where they’re from, but I’m only going to say that the brother is a convert and the sister is a born Muslim. When I spoke to the brother, I told him that what he was doing is haram and that if he wants to get to know the sister then he MUST approach her guardian and talking to her secretly and intimately is wrong. He said: “I won’t approach the guardian until I get the girl attached to me, that way if I get refused she’ll rebel out, and we’ll get married whether her parents like it or not.” the other thing he said: “Why should I even approach the guardian when the hanafi school of thought allows the girl to get married without the consent of the guardian? You see this is one thing I’m against, what this convert brother is doing goes against the teachings of Islam.
Assalamu’alaikum,
Muhammad, the story you spoke about unfortunately happens all the time. Not just with convert Muslims, so you can’t use that as a reason for people of other cultures to not get married. I hear stories of born Muslims dating non Muslims all the time. All you have to do is read the advice section on this website and you will read stories of born Muslims who are engaging in the same haram practices as this brother you spoke of. As a matter of fact, you will probably see more of this coming from born Muslims. If the sister who was involved with this brother was grounded in Islam then she would never have allowed this to go on.
Brother, we have to treat each person according to his or her character. What is their level of commitment to their deen. If you don’t know your religion then you are bound to make foolish mistakes.
When I looked for a wife I wanted someone who I could also learn from. That meant that she had to be grounded in Islam. I didn’t want to be the one doing all of the teaching. If you look for those characteristics then you will never go wrong.
Muhammad, we have to do our best to educate those around us who are engaging in these acts. But that training really begins in the home.
May allah guide us all!!!!
I 100% agree with what you say, but you misunderstood me. When I said this story I wasn’t trying to make converts look bad it just so happened to be a convert with a born Muslim that is all. I’m not against cross-cultural marriages because no one can argue that such marriages are forbidden. Unfortunately some brothers who come from a different ethnical background then the sister, a lot of times what they’ll do is talk to the girl secretly just like what this convert brother did. Believe me brother the way you approached your potentiel spouse 9 years ago is highly uncommon!! Most will build a secret relationship with the sister before approaching the guardian. Again I’m not against cross-cultural marriages, if the man presents himself for marriage, the guardian accepts, the sister accepts and both families are pleased and happy with this marriage then no one should have a say on that. On the other hand if this marriage is gonna cause problems in the family and cause the girl to rebel out not because she’s pleased with the man’s religious and character, but rather because she has fallen in love with him and there’s no love before marriage in our deen then in this case I’m 110% against such marriages. Also if the brother is truly of a good religion and character he will never cause any problems in the girl’s family, meaning he’ll never sneak around (since thats the only way he can do it) and convince the girl to rebel out against her family, in fact he would never approach the girl outside the realm of the sharia. Also sometimes what can happen is that the brother and sister can pretend that they burly know each other when the borther presents himself to the guardian. All the brothers and sisters who pull off this filthy stunt must know that Allah (SWT) is all seeing all knowing and they should worry about that before anything. All who try to pull this stunt will fail because the borther and sister, especially the sister will not be able to hide her emotions and the guardian can easily tell that his daughter was involved in a relationship.
What is mentioned above can very well happen in intra-cultural marriages as well.
“Muhammad, we have to do our best to educate those around us who are engaging in these acts. But that training really begins in the home.” You sound just like my parents!!
Anyways brother I’m sorry if I have upseted you, wallahi my intention was not to do so. I’ve been going through a lot lately, this topic is getting under my skin because not only that I’ve heard problmes but I’ve witnessed them.
Muhammad,
I’m not upset at all. Actually I’m enjoying our conversation. Muhammad, you and I are on the same page. Nothing bother’s me more than to see Muslims engaging in haram acts when all they have to do is ask someone for advice. Just like you, not only have I heard about these problems but I have also witnessed them.
We have to go through the correct process when it comes to marriage. This is not something that we should take lightly.
Salamu 3alaikum brother,
I’m really enjoying this conversation as well. As for me personally I choose to marry someone of my own background, because beside deen and character which the most important thing to consider when choosing a spouse I choose to add to that. It’s extremely important for me to speak Arabic with my wife at home also sharing the same culture and having family compatibility does help in the marriage. Also I choose to marry through my family because it’s the safest way to get to know a spouse especially nowadays with the amount of fassad thats going on. Insh’Allah when I get married not only that I wanna to be happy with the person to whom I’m getting married to, but also she has to be happy with me, my parents must be pleased as well because I would never get married without the blessings of my parents and her parents are pleased with me as a husband for their daughter. The scholars have the said that the great vast majority of the time when parents refuse someone for their kid, either son or daughter it’s for their kid’s own benefit because parents are rational while the kid can sometimes become emotional. It’s extremely important for me to make my parents happy, they’ve raised me well Ulhamdulillah and I have great respect for them.
Abdul Wali, I knew I recognized your name from somewhere. I’m really happy to hear that you got married on this site, and that it has worked out for you, Alhamdulillah. That’s wonderful. I’m quite frankly surprised to hear of a successful marriage between a Pakistani and an African-American, because there is a lot of bigotry in the Ummah, and also there is the issue of culture clash, but as you said your culture first and foremost is Islam and as long as that is the basis for the relationship then that’s a very strong foundation to build on.
I’m divorced with one child. I recently had an experience in which I approached a sister for marriage, someone I really admired and had a connection with, but I was rejected on the basis of race, and because of my circumstances, and I was told that marrying me would bring shame and loss of respect to the sister’s family (that’s the part that really hurt). It was a discouraging experience.
So it does my heart good to hear of Muslims who are brave and filled with Islamic spirit, so that their hearts and minds open and they can see past all the superficial barriers that the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) taught us to disregard. It makes me happy.
Brother Wael,
It’s good to hear from you. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I’m going to tell you what you told me 9 years ago. Stay strong. We know that unfortunately racism does exist and there is no getting around it. As much as you were hoping to get married to the sister that you had a connection with Allah has something better in store for you.
What you are telling me now are the same issues I experienced when I first contacted you. I hurt’s when you get rejected but you must be patient.
As for my situation, it took some work to make it happen. My sister in law called me from Saudi and told me that as long as I was a good Muslim it didn’t matter where I came. After meeting my brother in-law in NY, the decision to get married was finalized. A marriage between different cultures can work but it takes a commitment to make it work.
Stay strong. Insha Allah thing’s will work for you. Stay in touch.
Muhammad,
It sounds like your parents raised you well. Insha Allah you will be guided to the person who is just right for.
Based on our conversation I think that you will make your parents very happy.
Insh’Allah, thank you very much for your kind words.
As.aleykum
am a born muslim somali sister in Africa &have been proposed to by a born muslim brother of another cultural background & i must say that this article on inter-racial marriages has enlightened me to so many things i didnt think abt before especially the during marriage part but i’d like 2 comment concerning the issue of telling the guardians its usually not that simple take me for example am currently in university was proposed to jus after 2yrs in my course i wasnt looking for some1 especially one of a different cultural background because as is common among somalis, marriages are usually arranged my 3sisters underwent the same so would i that was my perception then but inshALLAH i met some1 his looks didnt matter to me bt his deen his kindness was what endeared me to him you know what he said 2me” sister av watched you for quite sometime i like the way you handle yourself as a muslim & i dnt want 2date you i want 2marry u i want 2meet your parents 2day” i told him 2wait let me talk 2my family 1st so i went home talkd 2my aunt & sister 1st they were very realistic they told me they had no problem with it but my father might not agree to this they advised me 2 1st finish my degree then bring this issue up with my dad such that if i get disowned i’ll at least have my degree& i can fend 4myself i tried talking 2my mom but she will not here of it she doesnt want me marrying in that particular culture i talked 2 the brother told him abt my aunts advise he was disappointed but he accepted he introduced me 2his family mashALLAH they were very welcoming especially his parents they accepted me regardless of my culture their number 1 priority was my deen -how is her deen they questioned& that was all i remember i cried that day coz they were all welcoming it dint matter 2them that i was a somali bt my religion& on the other hand my family was jus the opposite. that was 3yrs ago we are finishing our course this year still intent on getting married as soon as we graduate inshALLAH he has been patient with me & so have i his parents still communicate they call me & ask of me& wishing me well.as i write this we have 5 months remaining 2finish our course& we hope &pray to ALLAH that all wil go well bt all i can say is that i dont want to rebel against my parents as are many girls&boys in my situation but circumstances like this make us do this & come 2look at it its not rebellion as such & look at it as a very difficult choice a muslim youth just had to make. . .