Tag archive for ‘marriage tips’
5 ways you are unknowingly destroying your husband and killing your marriage
You might be surprised to figure out you are doing these five destructive things that will ultimately ruin your relationship with your spouse.
By Katelyn Carmen
Reprinted from FamilyShare.com
When I got married, I was amazed at the instant, overwhelming sense of responsibility I felt to love and care for my husband. Suddenly, a huge part of someone else’s well-being and happiness was largely affected by my choices and actions.
Women, we need to be careful about how we are caring for our husbands and marriages. Don’t let the small stuff ruin the things that will bring you the greatest happiness in life.
Here are just a few ways you might be unknowingly destroying your husband and killing your marriage (as a caveat, please understand that although this article is directed toward women, it applies to men as well):
1. Living outside of what you can afford
A wise old woman from my church congregation once advised: “The best thing you can do as a wife is to live within your husband’s means.”
Wives, show sincere appreciation and respect to your husband by carefully following a budget and making the most of what you have. Be wise about your finances.
Constantly complaining about not having enough to fulfill your lavish desires or racking up astronomical amounts of debt on your credit card is a poor way of saying “thank you” to a faithful spouse who works hard every day to provide for the family.
Yes, you may not have enough to buy that Kate Spade bag you’ve had your eyes on for months, but your husband will love and appreciate the fact that you honor him and are grateful for what he provides.
2. Constant negativity
You hate your hair, the messes around the house, the neighbor across the street, your dumb co-worker, the old dishwasher, and everything in between. As soon as your husband walks through the door, you launch into action and dump every negative and angry thought that’s crossed your mind throughout the day.
Can you imagine having to carry that burden? Negativity is draining. Men like to fix things, and constantly being hounded with complaints makes it difficult for him to help solve your pains.
If there is one thing I’ve learned from marriage is that a good man wants you to be happy, and if he can’t help you do that, it makes him unhappy. It’s okay to have a bad day once in a while, that’s totally understandable, but don’t make it a way of life.
3. Putting everything else first
When your children, mom, best friends, talents, or career in front of your husband, you send a clear message to him that he is unimportant. Imagine having that message sent to you every day for many years. What would that do to your self esteem?
Put your husband first.
Although it sometimes seems counter-intuitive and counterproductive, I think you’d be amazed to find that it’s often the key to the greatest happiness in marriage. So many couples get divorced these days, because they neglect to care and love one another and put each other first.
If you choose to put each other first, you will find a lot of joy.
4. Withholding physical affection
Men crave and need physical affection with their wives. When you constantly decline intimacy, it wears on them.
Sex should not be used as a tool to control your spouse; it should be viewed as a sacred tool to draw you closer to one another and to God.
It is a great blessing to be wanted and needed by a loving, romantic husband who wants to share something so beautiful and important with you — and you only. Even though you might not always be in the mood, it’s worth it to give in (when you can) and spend that time bonding.
5. Not speaking his language
Women love to drop hints. (I think it’s part of our DNA.) But men just don’t get them. (I think that is a part of their DNA.)
Don’t waste your time giving subtle hints that he won’t understand: Speak plainly to him. Be honest about your feelings, and don’t bottle things up until you burst. If he asks you what’s wrong, don’t respond with “nothing” and then expect him to read your mind and emotions. Be open about how you really feel.
55 Ways to Have a Happy Marriage
~*~55 Ways to Maintain a Happy Marriage~*~
(Zawaj.com Editor’s Note: this is based on an article that was published on a few Muslim forums with no author given. I’ve edited it so extensively, correcting mistakes and clarifying many points, that it’s essentially a new article.)
Marriage is a highly recommended Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (sws).
The purpose of marriage in Islam is to increase the Muslim community and not only to enjoy pleasure as the Messenger of Allah (sws) said; “Multiply your wives, multiply your children and I shall be proud of you on the Day of Judgement.”
Although marriage is encouraged in Islam, Allah and his Messenger Muhammad (sws) haven’t left us to our rationality to discover what marriage entails and what things make a successful marriage. The following points highlight what makes a happy marriage based on the Qu’ran and Sunnah and how the husband and wife can gain each others heart.
Hadith: [Collected in Bukhari, Muslim and Musnad Imam Ahmed].
Abdullah ibn Masud narrated: “We used to sit with the Prophet (sws) and we didn’t have much money. He (sws) said ‘Whoever can marry should marry, it will help him lower his gaze or (if he cannot) he should fast.”
[Al-Qur’an 4:03] “And if you fear that you will not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls then marry (other) women of your choice, two, three or four; but if you fear that you will not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or those that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice.”
[Al-Qur’an 24:32] “And marry those among you that are single and (also marry) the Salihun (pious, fit and capable ones) of your male servants and female servants. If they be poor Allah will enrich them out of His bounty. And Allah is All-Sufficient for His creatures’ needs, All-Knowing (about the state of the people).”
1. Time apart.
Short separations (hours or a few days) will strengthen the marriage but long separations can weaken the relationship.
• As they say ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder.’
2. Understand each others’ fitrah.
The fitrah is the natural disposition of a person, e.g. Allah has created man and women with certain qualities that are innate in them.
• The hadith of the Prophet Muhammad (sws) states that “Every person is born on a state of fitrah, it is their parents that change them to a Jew, Christian or Fire worshipper.” (Al Bukhari and Muslim). Both the husband and wife must try not to challenge each others’ fitrah but to adjust to and accommodate the partner’s God-given nature.
3. Solve disputes on the same day.
• Hadith: Prophet Muhammad (sws) said ; “Don’t let disputes stay until the next day but solve them the same day.”
• Shaytan is always there to cause fitna for people especially between the husband and wife so it’s important not to let disputes last longer than a day otherwise small issues will seem very big.
4 Don’t speak about your past!
• Islam forbids speaking about the sins you committed during your jahilliyah days (the time before practising Islam).
5 Don’t expect perfection – live your lives naturally.
• Hadith: A couple came to Prophet (saw) and said ‘we make mistakes’ and He (saw) said ‘you are not perfect’.
• Always evaluate problems honestly and don’t expect miracles.
6 Convey your love and warm feelings to each other.
• Hadith: “You must express yourself to your partners”
• The wife of the Prophet Muhammad (saw) said: “The Prophet (saw) never let a day pass without showing his affection.”
7 Fight against your own problems and don’t share anger with your partner.
8 Do not be critical of each other.
• Hadith: Prophet (saw) said “Do not be critical”. All type of criticism is forbidden in Islam.
• Islam allows certain type of lying in order to maintain a good relationship e.g. complementing on the wife’s cooking even if it doesn’t taste nice!
9 When disputing with your partner don’t expand the argument by adding all other previous disputes.
• Hadith: Prophet (saw) said “Dare any of you who sleeps with his wife in the night and then critises her in the morning.”
10 Never doubt your partner,
• Doubting each other can lead to the destruction of the marriage
11 Trust your partner and show you have full confidence in them.
12 Pick a suitable partner for yourself but also make sure that you are also compatible for your partner.
• Hadith: A man came to the Prophet Muhammad (saw) after seeing a woman for the purpose of marriage and said ‘She is of good Deen but her father refuses’ He (saw) replied ‘did you look to yourself?’ (This man never went for jihad or was see among the men of Medina ). The man replied ‘Ya Rasuallah, verily you have spoken the truth”.
13 The main pillar to maintain good relationship between the husband and wife is purity hence cleanliness of body and house etc is important.
• Once a woman complained to the Prophet (saw) about her husband’s bad odour.
• Hadith: The Messenger Muhammed (saw) said “None of you who believe in Allah, spits and covers it.”
14 You need to sacrifice to maintain relationship.
• Hadith : The Messenger Muhammad (saw) said; “Sacrifice is the best gift between the husband and wife.”
15 ADVISE FROM A SAHABIYAT TO HER DAUGHTER;
• “Care about your husband like you care about yourself and love for your partner what you love for yourself.”
• The Messenger Muhammad (saw) will never eat before his wives as mentioned in a hadith “ The best amongst you is the one who raises the food and feeds his wife.”
16 Give your partner gifts.
• Exchanging gifts will cause more inclinations towards each other and strengthen the relationship.
17 Don’t be selfish!
• Give and take, don’t always take.
18 Don’t accuse your partner for problems e.g. by saying ‘You did it’ or ‘it’s your fault.’
19 Live for the day and don’t worry about tomorrow.
• Allah knows whether or not you are going to wake up in the morning!
20 Always remember that marriage is a divine bond, so think twice before doing something on the impulse which you will regret later.
• Hadtih: The Messenger Muhammad (saw) said; “Three things that are serious; marriage, divorce and freeing the slave.”
21 Although love is an essential part of marriage, do not take it for granted and abuse each other thinking that your partner will always love you regardless of ill treatment.
22 Be an example to your partner and let your actions tell and convey your personality.
• Hadith: Muhammad (saw) said; “To change your partner the way you wish, be the model for them.”
• Hadith: “Pray Qiyaam with your wife.”
• Hadith: Once Fatima (ra) the daughter of the Prophet Muhammad (saw) asked ‘How can I be closer to Ali (ra)?’ He (saw) replied ‘Pray Qiyaam ul-Layl with him and whenever he wakes up, wake up with him.’
23 Do not let parents, relatives or neighbours interfere with your marriage.
• Try to reconcile between yourselves as much as you can and if that’s not possible than allow a trustworthy Muslim to arbitrate.
24 Don’t rush into correcting differences which you perceive in your partner. There are some matters that can only be changed with time.
25 The couple must both accept the consequences and responsibilities that marriage brings and be satisfied.
26 Do not embarrass or humiliate your partner especially in the presence of other people.
27 Participate in collective activities together.
• Co-operating with each other will bring a sense of family life e.g. Picnics, BBQ, dawah projects etc.
• The Prophet Muhammad used to do collective things with his wives.
28 Do not look down to your partner or ridicule their capability rather let your partner express themselves.
• Hadith: The Prophet Muhammad (saw); “The good husband is the one when the speaks he listens and when she complains he is concerned.”
29 The financial right (Naafaqah) of the wife is something serious and her husband must fulfil it.
30 Do not share your sadness and misery with your partner rather exchange jokes and laughter.
31 Do not allow your friends to interfere in your marriage.
• Aisha (ra) the wife of Muhammad (saw) once said to the women of the Ansar “Watch out! Do not give room for your friends to interfere in your own privacy.”
• Part of a man’s fitrah is that he has the right of authority in the family as the head of the household and also that no one should know about his affairs.
32 Let your husband feel that you are content with him and that you are proud of him.
• Hadith : Muhammad (saw) “Do not compare your husband with another man and don not compare your wife with another woman.”
33 During times of disputes remember the goodness of your partner.
• Hadith: Muhammad (saw) said; “The good deed abolishes the bad deed”
34 Abu Bakr (ra) said: “In order to understand the character and goodness of your partner, and to fight defection, remember;
• What you like about your partner?
• What happy experience has passed you two?
• What things you did together?”
• Umar bin Khattab (ra) said: “The good man is the one who makes his partner like him and appreciate him.”
35 Be careful not to use abusive words during times of disputes.
36 Have celebrations with the family.
• The Prophet Muhammad used to encourage his daughter Fatima (ra) and Ali (ra) to celebrate with their children.
37 The intelligent wife is the one who asks her husband for things at the right time e.g. don’t ask for a expensive dress if you know he can’t afford it!
38 Hadith: The Prophet Muhammad (saw) said ; “Three things that should not be used My dignity, My status, My pride.”
39 Do not abolish the presence of your partner. Always have consult your partner, even if it’s for small issues like grocery shopping.
40 Do not run away from home!
• If you want to discipline the wife for doing something sinful then separate from the bed but don’t leave home.
• Hadith: The Messenger Muhammad (saw) said; “Don’t run away from home”
41 Do not anger your husband by asking too many unnecessary questions and vice versa.
42 Do not desert the husband at home.
• Umar bin Khattab disciplined a woman for that and said to her; ‘Are you a woman or a man?’
43 Do not exchange roles!
• Allah (swt) has clearly defined the rights and responsibilities of the husband and wife hence it is not proper for us to swap them. A woman must remember even if she is working, her husband, children and home would always come first.
44 Respect the In-laws.
45 Hadith: The Prophet Muhammad (saw) said; “Honour your mother in-law and call her by the best names (according to the tradition).”
46 Don’t let the neighbour interfere.
• Hadith: The Prophet Muhammad (saw) said; “Look after your neighbours and participate with them in happiness and sadness and always command them to obey Allah.”
• Disclosing family secrets is not participating in sadness!
47 Be careful not to have disputes frequently, it will jeopardise the relationship.
• Learn to sacrifice in issues of permissibility in order to maintain tranquillity.
48 Always establish quietness, calmness and tranquillity in the home.
49 Do not interfere with your partner when they are disciplining the children except in an emergency where your partner is violating the shari’ah.
50 Look after your children and maintain a high standard of upbringing e.g. clothing, feeding etc.
51 Listen to your husband and try not to forget to do things for which he has asked you to do.
• Hadith: The Prophet Muhammad (saw) said ; “Teach your wife the chapter of An-Nisa, Al-Maida, An-Nur (from the Qu’ran).”
52 Shari’ah must be the centre of your lives and obedience to your husband is one of the means to Jannah.
53 Remember that Allah will always test you and there will be times that you may have domestic problems but remember every problem doesn’t mean the end!
54 Avoid arguing with each other especially in front of children.
55 The wife should not allow anyone to enter her home without the permission of her husband.
Dating in Islam Begins With Marriage
By Jennifer (Sumayah) Fayed of Intuitive Muslimah
I listened to a great lecture last night that was entitled “Islam & Dating” now before you jump the gun…It wasn’t about Muslims dating out of wedlock, but the contrary how once we are married how imperative it is to continue dating your husband or wife.
Although it was about a thirty minute lecture it had a strong message. I thought to myself, Abdul Malik (the lecturer) is really on to something and is touching on an important issue that most of us who are married seem to forget so easily.
Of course, there are those newlywed moments of, “I love you so much honey that I would live anywhere with you…even under a bridge”.
Or the husband saying, “Sweetheart buy whatever you like in the store price isn’t an object” or him bringing flowers everytime he comes home.
But something happens: reality sets in! The kids come, the bills pile up, everyone is tired, and soon enough you realize that the couple that showed so much attention and considertation to one another in the beginning now don’t even face each other while they sleep.
Does this sound familiar to anyone?
Ok, so whats the solution?
The solution is easy. We have to remember to rekindle the flames that started the marriage in the first place. How, you ask? Ok, let’s face it most of us don’t have that money tree growing in the yard anymore. If anything, it has dried up like a prune and hasn’t bloomed a leaf of money since you last recall. There are however other ways. How about that quality time that both of you spent together just talking about things other than the kids, bills, work, and family. Focus on each other.
Being a wife doesn’t only consist of feeding the husband, cleaning the house, and attending to the children. It’s more than that… let’s remember Khadijah the Prophet’s (pbuh) first wife, she was his companion. She gave him reassurance when he most needed it, showed him compassion, shared her opinions, and supported him. Some of us have been taught that a wife is one who makes lavish dishes for her husband, who dresses up to appeal to him, and has her home organized. I’m not saying these things arent’ important. What I am saying is that a marriage and being a companion is more than superficial beauty and enticing of the flesh. Now, I’m sure the husbands who read this are probably like “Oh yea she’s right on!!!” LOL….guys you aren’t off the hook.
As husbands, you have to remember that marriage isn’t just being the maintainer and provider of the the woman and the family. It also goes deeper than that. Women are complex creatures just like men are and we also need attention, affection, and this doesn’t just mean what happens inside the bed sheets. Let’s get real here, wives need you to be more involved in the home, and that one-on-one conversation. Instead of watching the playoffs, turn off the tube and sit with your wife and talk about how she is feeling and indulge in some beneficial convos… Read some qur’an together, discuss hadiths, rekindle what sparked that flame when you first met her. You didn’t just marry her because of her beauty (at least I hope not). You married because you wanted a life partner. As women, we are auditory creatures mostly who need to hear things to know we are appreciated and loved. So dear brother, remember that when spending time with your wife.
Dating in Islam begins with marriage. We have to show one another value, love, and respect. And we do this with one-on-one communication, becoming best friends, and remembering how to keep those ardent flames from extinguishing.
In Abdul Malik’s lecture he said something that stood out for me and that was ” Men are creatures of sight, and women are creatures of sound”.
When both men and woman form the bond of marriage they have major responsibilities to each other and to Allah. Marriage is full of hardships but is also very beautiful. We were created to be companions in this life and inshallah the hereafter.
To the husbands, realize that your wife is a delicate being that needs physical, and emotional interaction. We need to hear that you love us and if possible follow those words with a kind gesture. And to the wives (me included) let us remember that yes, the way to a man’s heart is to his stomach (at times), however we also need to learn patience, contentment, and encourage the husband in all the good he does for us and the family.
Marriage brings a mountain of responsiblities but with hardwork, dedication, optimism, communication, and mercy for one another; this rope that will develop strong knots along the way will bring endless bounties of blessings to us and to the ummah God willing.
One Secret of a Happy Marriage
A man and his fiance were married. It was a large celebration. All of their friends and family came to see the lovely ceremony and to partake of the festivities and celebrations. A wonderful time was had by all.
The bride was gorgeous in her white wedding gown and the groom was very dashing in his black tuxedo. Everyone could tell that the love they had for each other was true.
A few months later, the wife comes to the husband with a proposal: “I read in a magazine, a while ago, about how we can strengthen our marriage.” She offered.
“Each of us will write a list of the things that we find a bit annoying with the other person. Then, we can talk about how we can fix them together and make our lives happier together.”
The husband agreed. So each of them went to a separate room in the house and thought of the things that annoyed them about the other. They thought about this question for the rest of the day and wrote down what they came up with.
The next morning, at the breakfast table, they decided that they would go over their lists.
“I’ll start,” offered the wife. She took out her list. It had many items on it. Enough to fill 3 pages, in fact. As she started reading the list of the little annoyances, she noticed that tears were starting to appear in her husbands eyes.
“What’s wrong?” she asked. “Nothing” the husband replied, “keep reading your list.”
The wife continued to read until she had read all three pages to her husband. She neatly placed her list on the table and folded her hands over top of it.
“Now, you read your list and then we’ll talk about the things on both of our lists.” She said happily.
Quietly the husband stated, “I don’t have anything on my list. I think that you are perfect the way that you are. I don’t want you to change anything for me. You are lovely and wonderful and I wouldn’t want to try and change anything about you.”
The wife, touched by his honesty and the depth of his love for her and his acceptance of her, turned her head and wept.
This is not to say that you must overlook every fault in your partner. If a marriage partner is abusive, or is an alcoholic or drug addict, or is unfaithful, or something of that nature then yes of course there must be changes.
But when it comes to the little things, remember that we are all imperfect beings, struggling to worship our Creator as best we can, pursue our dreams, raise our families, put food on the table, and balance all of the above fairly. We all have faults. We all make mistakes.
If you go looking for faults in your partner you will find plenty, I guarantee it. You will find many mistakes, bad habits, and imperfections.
But you know what? If you look honestly in the mirror you will see the same things in yourself.
If you focus on your partner’s imperfections you will never be happy. You will always be dissatisfied, wanting more, feeling deprived, feeling frustrated. And you will end up making your partner miserable, and pushing your marriage into misery.
Instead, look for what is good in your partner. See his/her beauty, good habits, loving or kind gestures, relationship with the Creator, hidden potential, and hopes and dreams. If you look for beauty you will find it. Nurture that beauty by appreciating it, and it will grow. The love between you will deepen like a strong river, becoming more and more powerful over time. And those little things that used to bother you so much will seem not very important at all.