Tag archive for ‘Zawaj.com Humor Files’
Conversations with a Pregnant Wife, Part 3: What’s in a Name?
By Yasser Aboudouma
Writer, Civil Engineer – Egypt
Husbands, you have reached the final stage of the pregnancy marathon! The last three months of pregnancy can be called the months of mass destruction. The pregnant wife will be fond of knowing the baby’s gender; you too, of course. She will start shopping for the baby. She will have emotional “alterations” — in some cases, depression!
Month Seven (Boy/Girl)
Sure, the doctor can tell the baby’s gender. It is common in Egypt that most families dream that the first baby is a boy, which means your wife will dream of that too
Wife: That doctor is really weird. She is telling us “may be a boy, may be a girl.” What does she mean that the baby can be a girl? I want a baby boy, and all my friends and family are prepared for that. If we had gone to a male doctor from the beginning, he would have told us, easily, whether the baby is a girl or a boy.
Wife: Huh! I need to think about baby girl names. What you do think? Layla, Dalia, or Du`aa’? or let’s call her after my close friend. You know, I want her name to be unique — something that combines Arab, Egyptian, Western, Islamic, and Pharaonic cultures all in one name!
Husband: (teasing her) Don’t worry about the name. we’ll give her the name “Saffron.” I’ll complete all the official paperwork before you leave the operation room after delivery.
Wife: WHAT? Saf … what? No, please. Let me choose her name. I want to name her after my mom, your mom, or your sister — just don’t choose that name.
Of course, the name choice argument will give you some power to control her mood, but remember, don’t use it too much ; otherwise, you will find yourself flying out of the window!
Month Eight (Clothes)
Various researches describe this month in different ways, but they all agree that the pregnant woman wants to buy the entire world for her baby. She will feel jealous if she knows or hears about other mothers buying something for their babies, and she will do her best to buy the same or better. You as a husband have to accept that and get prepared to spend your savings on it. Husbands, never ever dream of saying “no” or complaining if she asks for baby shopping.
Wife: My colleague came to work with her baby today, and the baby wore a very sweet, pretty outfit that made her look like a princess. In the evening, I’ll go shopping.
Husband: OK! We can shop at the weekend.
Wife: Thank you, honey. I knew you would agree, so today I bought fancy brand-name clothes for her from that famous store. Our daughter must get the best!
Husband: I thought we were going to do the shopping together.
Wife: Don’t worry. There’s still a lot to buy. Hey, see this is a shampoo for the baby when she sleeps and that shampoo is for when she wakes up. These are diapers from the US, and this is a brush for her hair.
Husband: WHAT? Shampoo for what? How do you know that the baby wants to sleep or not to and how to decide ahead of time which shampoo to use? You might bathe her with shampoo used for waking up and then she will want to sleep… oh yes, then you’ll wake her up quickly and give her a shower with the right shampoo?
Who told you that the baby will be born with hair; as I understand it, a lot of babies are born without any hair, so that hairbrush is useless. In addition, why did you buy diapers made in the US? What’s wrong with the ones made in Egypt? It’s just a diaper, not a fancy thing!
Wife: Arrrgh! Don’t worry, babies know the right shampoo! She’ll sense which is the correct one and then act accordingly; that’s what’s written on the bottle. And I got the US-made diapers because I want my daughter to feel unique. Anyway, I bought three towels for the baby, one to use after shower, the second to dry her as the first one will be wet, and the third to cover her the second we are sure she is properly dried. Also, I got her hair clips, skin cream — one for night and the other for the morning, three pair of shoes, socks, underwear, and four dresses.
Husband: Are you sure you’re shopping for a baby, not a girl who is getting ready for marriage?! By the way, did you buy her a make-up box? There’s something especially for babies. You have to run to buy it now, and don’t forget the baby’s teeth brush, too!
Wife: Oh my God! You’re right, I really forgot that. I’ll arrange with my mom and sister to go out with me to complete my shopping.
Wife: By the way, you have to be more careful; my close friend told me that anger and nervousness are not good for pregnancy. Today at the meeting, all my colleagues were perfectly behaved; once any one just thought about arguing with me, I told them that I was in the eighth month and the baby would be delivered prematurely if I argue! There were no arguments, and the meeting ended in 10 minutes!
Husband: I think you’ll get fired soon.
Days pass slowly, and the pregnant wife returns home with many things she bought from different stores. The husband gets used to seeing his wife sitting on the floor and spreading all the baby’s stuff around her to check, kiss, hug them and find out what is missing!
Husbands, congratulations! You’re in the ninth month. You have waited eight months to reach that final month. You controlled your temper throughout, you worked and helped with the housework, And you are tired; you deserve some relaxation.
The pregnant wife knows that the time of her being spoiled will end; finally, she will be responsible for a baby, so she will start acting as poorly, trying to show you that she is weak and powerless. Do understand that she is worried about delivering her baby — it is her first time, and she knows virtually nothing about giving birth. So you will have to –be, even more, patient!
Wife: Honey, I feel sorry for you! The past eight months have been very hard for you. I rarely cooked and you stopped eating dinner, while your breakfast was just a cake; you lost 20 kg. I have to cook today. I’ll make a surprise for you. I’ll boil some eggs and prepare white cheese, but would you please prepare the salad for us?!
Husband: … .
Wife: Do you think I’ll deliver the baby naturally or will there be a C-section? You know, most of my pregnant friends had a cesarean. Maybe my doctor will deliver it naturally as she is a female doctor.
Husband: Ah yep, but the doctor’s gender doesn’t affect the type of delivery.
Wife: Anyway, I prepared two suite cases for the baby and me.
A natural phenomenon: All pregnant women become nice and kind to their husbands just a few days before giving birth. So be careful, because that kindness will turn to hell if you were at work while she starts labor.
Wife: OHHH, HELP! Mom, Father, Brother, Sister, Uncles, Aunts, United Nations, Egyptian people, the Universe, … any one! Help me, I’m in pain! The baby!
Wife: (addressing her husband) Honey, I’m in pain, tell that doctor to give me any painkiller. I can’t handle it any more. I feel weak. Promise me if anything happens to me, never ever get married again! Don’t give our baby a stepmother. Please, promise me!
Husband: You’ll be fine, and everything will be OK. It happens to all women; you’re not the first one. Just a few minutes from now, and you’ll hold in your arms a sweet baby girl.
Wife: Did you bring a video camera with you? Don’t take any shots from my left-hand side; my right side is more photogenic! Choose good angles for the shots, I want to look pretty in the video. Take shots while I’m not screaming and before my face appears in the video screen, just tell me to smile.
Husband: We’re recording the birth of our baby, not making a movie! You’ll be in the operation room, and you won’t care about anything of that sort.
Wife: Labor hurts. I’m crazy and stupid; I don’t want to get pregnant again. This is the first and last time. If anyone had told me about that pain, I would’ve never thought about marriage.
A big scream from the pregnant woman calls for the baby to come out and get introduced into this world to join the mother’s community.
Wife: Honey, what is the gender of the baby?
Husband: What? The baby is a girl. We knew that a long time ago.
Wife: Yipeeee… I thought the doctor would change her mind. Is she pretty?
He: (Teasing her) Who, the doctor? Yes, very.
Wife: No, silly! I mean the baby.
Husband: Oh! yes, she’s very, very pretty.
Wife: OK, next time we’ll have a baby boy. Now tell them I want to hold her.
Husband: (in amazement) Next time? You just said … You were … What happened? Women! Women! Women!
Husbands, don’t worry. Pregnant women are all like that — in a state of confusion and amazement. And they will continue to be like that until the last second of their lives. Congratulations!
Yasser Aboudouma is an Egyptian-Canadian who lives between Cairo and Ontario. He holds a B.Sc. in engineering and a diploma in project management. He is interested in issues of social and cultural differences.
Joke: Understanding Women, Understanding Men
A man was on a boat that capsized in the sea. Alhamdulillah the waves cast him up on a desert island. After months of loneliness, a beautiful colored bottle washed up on the beach. The man picked it up and caressed it, admiring its beauty, until a genie came out in a puff of smoke.
“Thank you for releasing me from my prison,” the genie said. “I grant you any wish you like. I can’t do magic, but I’m very strong and wise.”
“Wonderful,” the man said. “Build me a bridge back to my country so I can return home.”
“Oh, come on,” the genie said. “Do you have any idea what a massive engineering feat that would be? There’s not enough steel or stone in the world for that. I’m just a simple genie. Wish for something realistic.”
“Okay then,” the man said. “I wish to understand the mind of a woman.”
“Alright,” said the genie, sighing. “Did you want a suspension bridge, cable bridge, or arch bridge?”
“IT’S A GUY THING”
Translated: “There is no rational thought or logic connected with it.”
“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
Translated: “Are you still talking?”
“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
Translated: “I remember the names and stats of dozens of football players’, the telephone number of my first girlfriend, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary.”
“OH, DON’T FUSS – I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.
“Translated: “I will bleed to death before I admit that I’m not a tough guy.”
“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Translated: “What did you catch me at?”
“I HEARD YOU.”
Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.”
“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and someone else might be worse.”
“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
Translated: “Oh, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”
“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”
Zawaj.com Humor Files: The Old Man, the Little Boy and the Donkey
The Old Man, the Little Boy and the Donkey
Goha and his small grandson were on the way to market. Goha had a bad hip, so he rode their donkey while the little boy walked beside him. Presently they passed some women on their way home from the market. One of the women said, “Look at that old man riding while his little grandson walks. He has no compassion for the young. Shameful!”
Goha heard this and felt embarrassed, so he said to his grandson, “You must be tired. Why don’t you ride for a while, and I will walk?”
Presently they passed some elderly men who were sitting around drinking coffee and playing backgammon. One of them said, “Look at that boy riding, while his old grandfather limps. Were is the respect for the elders? That boy has been badly raised.”
Again Goha felt embarrassed. He said, “Let’s ride together for a while.” So they both rode the donkey.
Soon they passed a man in religious robes who said to them, “Salam my friends. Don’t you know that even animals have rights in Islam? You are burdening that poor animal with your combined weight.”
Finally Goha decided that they would both walk, in order to give the donkey some rest. They both trudged along beside the donkey, the old man limping and the boy complaining that his feet hurt. As they passed a group of young men who were loitering and watching passers-by, one of the men exclaimed, “Look at those fools walking while they have a perfectly good donkey! Are they afraid of heights?” And all the young men laughed.
The moral is clear: Altering your behavior to please other people is futile. No matter what you do, someone will always find fault. Do what you feel is right, and stick to it.
Zawaj.com Humor Files: Mullah Nasruddin makes a beggar climb
Zawaj.com’s Islamic Humor Files
Mullah Nasruddin Makes a Beggar Climb
Editor’s Note: Some call him Goha or Joha, the Turks call him Hodja, while the Persians and Afghanis call him Mollah, Nasrullah or Mullah Nasruddin. Regardless of what you call him, this wise, mysterious and sarcastic figure has been a fixture of Middle Eastern stories for centuries.
One day Nasruddin was up on the roof of his house, repairing some broken tiles that were letting the rain leak through. He was not happy about being on the roof, as he was afraid of heights, and he worried about climbing on his rickety ladder.
As he was working, a stranger knocked on the door. Nasruddin heard the knock and shouted out, “What do you want?”
“Come down please” replied the stranger. “I wish to talk to you in person.”
“Just tell me!” said Nasruddin.
“Please won’t you come down,” the man said. “I only need a moment.”
Nasruddin slowly and fearfully climbed down the ladder, grumbling to himself.
“Well,” Nasruddin said when he got to the bottom. “What’s so important?”
“Could you give a little money to this poor old man?” said the stranger. “You can see that I am hungry and poor.”
Exasperated, Nasruddin started to climb up the ladder and said, “Follow me up to the roof. But be careful, as the ladder is old and rickety.”
With some hesitation, and looking quite worried, the beggar climbed the ladder. When both Nasruddin and beggar were upside, on the roof, Nasruddin said, “No.”