Islamic marriage advice and family advice

15 months marriage going down due to mother in law

My in-laws are causing trouble in my marriage.

Toxic in-laws.

Assalam alaikum brothers & sisters,

It's been 15 months  since we married and blessed with baby boy in October this year, Al Hamdulillah. I was international student and spend 4 years in UK. Got married to a graduate girl, hoping to understand western culture, but disappointed due to mother-in-law. I had many pictures of my colleagues studied and worked with me in UK. When my wife came to know this, I explained her everything about culture and society there. I had some pics with girls, standing together, eating together.

When my wife got pregnant, my mother-in-law said that we have to send my wife to in-laws in seventh month for delivery as it's first one. She didn't mentioned where we should start treatment till seventh month, so I discussed this to my wife and started to visit XYZ hospital and she is happy with this. Now, in seventh month in laws started to force me to send my wife for delivery, I requested them why can't we do it in XYZ as it's been going on treatment. I also said if you agree I will pay, but it didn't work and I send her to in laws, hoping a new doctor will ok with the ongoing treatment.

I got little disappointed as my wife changed her mind and went against our will what we decided. but I got blamed here for not listening to my in laws and said that I am demanding to get it done at XYZ.

Hence, crashed started as expressed my disappointment and disturbance towards decision. Anyhow, time spent and we blessed with baby boy. Here also, when I requested doctors to try for normal delivery, I got blamed that I am forcing wife to against her will. I got more disturbed as this is what doctors said that, everything is normal and if your wife cooperate, we can go for normal but she didn't even wanted to face this!

When we asked for naming ceremony gathering, my wife and her mother started blaming that, I am already married and we betrayed her and her family by hiding this. I got shocked, she shown me some pictures and e mail conversation from my laptop, which she took with her when she was leaving my house to delivery. It was very shocking to me as she didn't informed me about this. In laws then started to avoid my calls, and when I visit home they blamed me that I am only coming for my son and not for wife. Furthermore, they started to demand money to deposit to my wife's name or else don't come to house to see son and wife. And asked me to prove that pictures from my laptop and emails are not mine.

I have many picture of girl colleagues and managers with whom I worked and had some email conversation that mentioning words like, darling, love, which is very common in western culture. I asked them politely, let me visit my wife and son or else I will go to Police. Before I go PS they lodged petition against me that I am already married to a girl in UK and betrayed them, I beat my wife, I don't spend time with my wife, I don't keep money in my wife hand. I always spend money on her, clothing, food, when she visit her parents home. now, police did verifications and checked my laptop and behaviours in that pictures and e-mails, that no way shows that I had any relation or I did Zina!

Hence, after counselling police requested girl to go to court as my mother in law forcing my wife not to listen anything and ask for money i.e. maintenance and marriage expenditure. I am not able to see my wife and son in this duration. Police asked me not to disturb them and wait.

Next, they now went to mahila mandal and started the same thing again, she demanding me to accept that I deleted some emails and pictures that proves that I did zina with many girls there, my laptop was sent to cyber cell and nothing has been recovered, Allah knows better, I can't even think of such sin. now they only asking money and she don't want come back till I accept this, I am tired of this stupid issue and unwanted pressure from my in laws to bend on my knees in front of them for my son and wife.

My wife is not able to understand whats going on and my mother in law only speaking on behalf of her. now they started to blame me for late night coming to home (11-12), keeping myself busy with smartphone, they don't want me to work in nights, they don't want me to go abroad. I want to live good life and with my family, but now my in laws disturbing me lot and interfering in my life.

What should I do - instead of asking me she betrayed me and went to her home and doing all this against me? I can't think of leaving her for stupid reasons and spoil lives? As it been in between unknown people now, they misguiding my wife and lying that my family members also harassing her? I tried to speak their elders but no use? When my elders trying to interfere my mother in law asking them to stay away.

I told her that these girls are my work colleagues and nothing more than this. But she doubting me lot and asking me money for maintenance and asking that few elders will sit from her side and she will put some conditions. In between all this I said against my in laws, now they blaming for this as well that I can't listen to them as well!! Stupid, stupid reasons making my mind against my wife, she is adult but not understanding my feelings and going in front of strangers for help, I am tired of convincing her and her parents now... please guide me.


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9 Responses »

  1. Brother both of you are like children.Most of all it doesnt matter where you are brought up. You are a Muslim and to take pics and talk to other women for fun is unexceptable.It leaves me with no choice to say your faith is weak and the effects of your life is such! I to live in the west born cdn and became muslum married a scholor from the U.K My friend if you want things to change in your life surroundings is all up to you how you make it .If we obey the commandments of Allah through the lifestyle and teachings of Muhammad then and only we will find 100% success. My brother go and spend 40 days in tabligh just to correct your Iman .Those who help Allahs deen .Allah will help you.

  2. Ive lived in the west my whole life and I don't have any male colleagues who would refer to me as "darling" or "love" nor I know of anyone who refers to anyone in such way unless they are romantically involved..
    A Muslim living in the west or not having "friendships" male-to-female or vice versa isn't allowed and it looks like you didn't keep your self from following your deen..
    That being said, your in laws should have approached this in a better matter.

    At this point all you can do is pray and hope your wife sees that you are trying your best to be a better Muslim. Try talking to your wife in a manner that you understand why she would think what she thinks tell her you didn't see how wrong it was but that you didn't commit any major sins and if you want her back you will have to change brother.

    • You have to consider it from their perspective because you had a role in this all. What was so hard about deleting the pictures even before you married? Imagine if your wife did the same thing with male peers or co workers.

      I would let them be for a little while because it just seems like there is a lot of back and forth going on and not much listening on either part. So take a break, make dua, fast, give charity, delete those pictures, delete the emails, Facebook friendships, irrelevant phone numbers. And just wait.

      Your in laws are probably saying things to your wife and because of the photos, she is probably thinking the worst. You saying it was nothing has little credibility, at this point. We don't even know what the pictures looked like or what the women looked like or what they were wearing. so disappear for a while. If the women in the photos really meant nothing as you say and you said sorry for your mistake, then you said your piece. If your wife really loves you she'll look for you herself. If not then she'll do khula. Ha.

      We all make mistakes, my friend. This is a test from Allah. Be grateful.

  3. At this point you need to appoint a mediator. Someone who will talk on your behalf with her family or her mediator. Both sides need to come to an agreement as to what they will agree to in a marriage. If you can come to an agreement great. Otherwise it will probably be time for divorce. You may need to notify them and then start moving towards it.Im really sorry this is appending to you. Also, e-mails and pictures do not mean married nor do they mean zina. People do flirt without having zina. It's not the best to flirt but if the man flirted he should not be treated like he committed zina. The verse in the Quran is 4:35.

  4. Wow brother it's amazing you have pictures and email conversation with your female colleagues which is absolutely disgusting thing to do as a single but you are even married and instead of realising your mistakes and the sin, you are justifying yourself with the western society??? It is normal thing to do??? Well let me tell you it is not normal in islam, it's actually haraam !!! Even to western people, or non muslims it is definitely not a normal thing to do , I mean a lot don't care but there are still people who find it wrong!!! I lived my whole life in a western country but didn't ever do the things you did in just the few years you was here and I wasn't even a practicing muslim nor did I know anything about it being haraam.

    I'm actually shocked how easy you take this grave sin and even try to justify it by saying it's the culture here. Well you don't have to follow the culture, if it goes against the islamic teachings right?

    I would recommend you start repenting for your sins. Do tauba and ask Allah for forgivness. Do all your daily prayer on time. I really feel sorry for your wife, she had to see those pictures and read the conversation. If I was her I would definitely ask for khula insh'Allah. But maybe you are lucky and she will forgive you once. Ask her for forgivness and understand your mistakes. If she doesn't want to, please leave her alone.You can't force her to stay with you. It's her choice.

    • It is not haraam to have female colleagues as far as I can tell. Or to go to a group lunch and have your picture taken in a company setting. Flirting isn't good. Can you show why you think having female colleagues is haraam? Or to go to a company lunch where women are there?

      I do know that if OP was a girl then the mother in law would qualify for 80 lashes according to 24:4. Because she isn't producing 4 witnesses and her charge is zina. She is also destroying a relationship on suspicion and everything that comes with that.

      • @M no one said it's haraam to have female colleagues!!

        It's more about how both parties behave with each other. This brother said they took pictures, went for meal, emailed and called each other "love" and "darling" !!! How is that Islamically allowed? ?? Even of he wasn't married he should be lowering his gaze. Islam doesn't permit intimate emails between male and females who are not married to each other. He called a non maharam girl love and darling which is forbidden since she us not his wife!!! He shouldn't be having conversations with a non maharam girl unless it's necessary for education or work/business purposes but even than they should observe modesty, which he clearly didn't. In a decent conversation you don't call your colleagues love or darling! He didn't do zina but for a lot of people this is the first step towards zina, they get to comfortable with each other, calling each other names and spend time with each other happens all the time and it destroys a lot of marriages. That's why islam doesn't allow it. I mean why on earth would he call a non maharam girl love or darling. That's so disgusting. And saying his mother in law is manipulating her daughter. ....well I'm sure she can think for herself, she is an adult!! She has a choice. parents have every right to protect their children. If I had a daughter I wouldn't want her husband emailing with other girls and calling them names. All he can do now is to do tauba and realise his mistake, apologise and hope she will forgive him. But it's her choice, he has to accept whatever.

        To the OP, would you like your wife to call some non maharam men love and darling ? Would you like her to take pictures with males just as you did???? How would you react???

        • Thanks for writing in, you do provide a good understanding of what the mother in law is going through. Here's what I understand from reading his story:

          1) pictures and emails are from when he was in UK for four years. This wasn't ongoing while he was married which has only been for 15 months and most likely after school.

          2) the pictures are of his colleagues which they do take in school as being part of a club or a project. They have pictures of them eating together which happens when the group goes for their first or last lunch together, during which they take pictures to commemorate them being in that group. They don't just take pictures for the heck of it and he isn't having multiple zina relationships with all those girls. As If this guy would even have that much game. If he did he wouldn't have kept his pictures because he would know they aren't innocent and wouldn't even try explaining it to his wife.

          3) People in UK call each other "love". A stranger may say "hey love, can you pass the ketchup." This is the same as him saying buddy, dude, or any other pronoun. It doesn't mean he's in an intimate relationship with me and we've done zina. It's just how they talk there. In the south in the US they say darling to even a customer at a store, no zina there either.

          4) they are colleagues on a project, they will email each other, because they have to. And they will use love for both guy to girl and guy to guy talk. That wouldn't mean he's gay, they just talk like that, it means nothing because of they way they say it. It's very clear it's being used as a pronoun.

          But I do understand that if one hasn't seen that then one would think he's possibly had multiple zina relationships with all his colleagues. What are your thoughts after knowing this information?

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