Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Married four years but I hate him, I don’t know why

Forced marriage, hands chained together

Forced marriage?

Aslamualikum my brothers and sister in Islam. My story is quiet upsetting. I was once suppose to be married to one of my cousins who was very kind and educated. Suddenly I was engaged to my other cousin who was quite the opposite.

He was not educated instead he was very poor. His father has done something that caused the family to suffer and run away from the village. But no matter where they ran they were always endangered and that's how I suddenly come to their life as a way to ease their pain and solve their problem.

Marrying their son seemed to be the best solution as to bring him to the US so he can work and support the family. So we got engaged 5 years. I had never seen him besides in pictures. I had talked to him over the phone couple of times. Then it was time to get married. We met back home.

The next day I arrived from travel my parents decided to take me to his house. There was no wedding and no signs of happiness or anything. I wasn't actually sure what's going on. But till that moment I still hadn't seen him. Then he comes and I saw him and from that moment I had no feelings for him. I didn't like his physical appearance at all. He was way different from the pictures. But it was too late to say anything because they already did the aqd and it was time to go out the apartment and go to his house.

I was literally in tears and fear. I knew I was getting my self into something good and bad. Good for him, bad for me. I tried to keep my tears inside. I smiled kindly. I was taken to his house in the dark no music no signs of a wedding. It felt more like a memorial.

Then a month later I surprisingly got pregnant. Every night I was in tears. Not knowing why exactly. Then I had to leave when I reached 7 months pregnancy. I came back to US. I stayed in the US 3 years straight. I barely called or talked to him during this time. I was more comfortable at his absence. Then I went back to school and worked.

After 3 years he got his visa and came to the US. I didn't feel any happiness. Honestly I was upset and depressed. I didn't say anything for a week. Suddenly I couldn't hold these feelings in me. I actually hated him more day after day. He's a nice guy and I really tried to like him but I just couldn't. I didn't want him anywhere near me. When he left the house I feel so good but when he returns I feel depressed and tempered. I just can't stand him anymore. I honestly don't have a specific reason besides that first night I saw him in our wedding and I hated him ever since.

I told my parents about it but they weren't helpful at all. My parents didnt care about any of my feelings. They took away my car keys and didn't let me go to work or school. I stopped my husband from touching me because I just couldn't handle the terrible feeling and burning sensation I get when he touch me.

I'm really sorry for being too detailed but I just need some help. I told my husband everything with honesty but he didn't seem to care either. He said he's ready to do anything so I can like him. I told him there's nothing you can do just divorce me. until now I'm begging my parents to understand how much I'm suffering. No one seems to understand or even care. they are forcing me to live with him no matter what.

We have a son who barely knows his father. I'm really looking forward to a divorce no matter what it takes. Otherwise I'll be cursed every night for the rest ofmy life due to not letting him touch me or come near me. Please some one help me. So many advices me to be patient but for how long? I dont think I can handle this for any longer. I'm seriously losing appetite haven't been eating well and just completely out of my body. I'm always in a bad mood and just hating everyone around me.

Someone once mentioned it might be a curse. But I know for sure it's not. I just hate him. Even though he's never yelled at me and he's a really kind guy buy I just can't stand him around me. End of story. Now please help me and tell me how can I convince my parents about why I'm feeling and how can I get the divorce and are these good reasons for divorce?

- susu-rasher

Tagged as: , , , ,

16 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    The situation you are describing sounds very much like a forced or coerced marriage to me. You said in the beginning, you were supposed to be married to someone else, but then "suddenly" you were engaged to this man. Were you not consulted before the engagement with your current husband was set up, so you could consent to it? In Islam, a lady can't be engaged to someone else on the authority of a third party without her knowledge and consent.

    I'm not sure why you didn't speak up then, as it may have saved you a lot of trouble. Remember, a woman's silence is taken as agreement in Islam, so if things weren't to your liking at that time you shouldn've mentioned it. Maybe you were trying to give it a fair chance, but even then you certainly had the opportunity to ask to meet him once so you could have a feel for him. Unfortunately that didn't happen, and when you did meet him prior to the nikkah (not sure what an aqd is) you realized you weren't suited to him.

    Technically, you could've called off the wedding at that point if the nikkah had not yet been performed. All in all, your parents and his family used you to "make things better" for this man and his unfortunate family, as you mentioned. No where were your wishes and thoughts factored in, and they should've been. This is why it's so important (culture or not) for young ladies to stand up for their Islamic rights against forced marriages and avoid circumstances such as the one you now find yourself in.

    Sister, you gave this relationship more than a fair chance. Up to this point, you have passively gone along with what everyone else has decided for you. This is not true Islamic submission or familial respect; this is being a door mat. YOU have rights, too! I think that the feelings of anger and hatred you are experiencing are not really directed at this young man, who by your account is a decent person and has not wronged you...but you are actually angry with your family for not taking into account your needs and preferences; and perhaps even a little angry with yourself for not stepping up to intervene when you could've.

    The good news is, sister, that all is not lost. You don't have to be a prisoner to your situation. I am not sure where your family is, but if you are living in the US you have a lot of options and resources. If you are living at home with them, I suggest you move out, even if it means staying at a woman's shelter. The type of treatment you are getting from them (ie: they are trying to force you to stay in this marriage against your will) is considered a form of emotional and mental abuse. You have the right to request a divorce and move on with your life, raising your child in peace and with true love and nurturing. I really believe it's better in your case to move that direction, than to stay married and put yourself at risk of being cursed because you are not emotionally capable of fulfilling his rights. Divorce because we cannot provide the rights of our spouse is entirely justified, and that's exactly why it's permitted. What would this world be if we had to stay married to someone who denied our rights, or perhaps we could not fulfill theirs?

    You can try talking to your parents about all this to see if they will support you, but in the end you don't need their permission to make these choices. You are living your own life, and you are the only one who will be accountable for it on the Day of Judgment before Allah. It might require making some big changes and being brave to face circumstances you never had to before, but in the long run you will have a lot more peace of mind and it will have a better effect on you physically (as you say you are now starting to get sick about this issue), psychologically, emotionally, and even spiritually insha'Allah.

    -Amy Editor

    • Well....I'm working on getting a divorce. I have talked to my parets and my parents talked to my elder brothers and alhamdulilah my father is cooperating with me. So far we will wait until is paperwork is done which will take abt 29 months. But Im willing to be patient as long as he sticks with his promise "divorce". I have prayed istikhara and I don't have any bad feelings abt this. My daughter will be ok and he will come and visit her anytime he want. Things will be ok I'm sure of that because I'm feelings better physically, emotionally and spiritually so all I ask is ur prayers for me that things turn out to be better for me soon and thank u all for the response. I respect all opinions but out of all Amy had good points and kind of understood my situation perfectly and certainly in my case trying won't help because I've already did that and patience won't help either because it's been 4 years. So yes divorce is sometimes not bad when u know it's ur way out of the dark side of life. I'm very grateful to Allah for giving me the strength and courage to stand up for my rights and speak up to my family. Thank you Allah for makingy family understand (at least my father does) my situation. Now I can breath again and smile and be happy :).

  2. i am a bit too young to advise, but ur pain dragged me towards replying to ur post, see sister i guess it is too late to think for divorce, u and ur husband have even had a boy, rather than thinking on the darker side, shed some light on the brighter one. Rather than thinking of divorce, u and ur husband should think about ways to keep this marraige going. Ur husband is a nice and a kind guy as u mentioned, but if u wont give him what he wants example. love, his rights. Then he will also start to move apart from u. Both of u should put in efforts towards raising ur son, atleast giving him time, parents love and support and being there for him every single time. U have got this stuck in ur head that u just dont like ur husband, things do work out if u put an effort towards it, and remember u r never given a wole package in life,u r always tested by ALLAH SWT, to see how strong ur imaan is. So sister, my advise to u would be to keep calm, have faith in the greatness of ALLAH, concentrate on ur childs future and give in an important effort to make ur marraige work and lead a prosperous life.
    wish u the best of luck.

    • WA Alaikum Assalam Dear Sister

      I see that this is a 10 yr old post. Well, still I am replying to you.

      A big hug from your sister for not losing your mind and submitting this question.
      Very well written. You seem very smart, intelligent and wise girl.
      If you are put in the right place, you will shine like a diamond.

      I can understand what you are going thru.
      This reminds me of my life situation
      A marriage should be a happy occasion. The fact that it was like a memorial, sounds like your parents and family members are narcissists or have narcissistic traits (I may be wrong).
      Only such people will ignore their own blood like this.
      Please educate yourself on narcissistic parents and family members.
      They don't care for you, so I am not surprised at all.
      You are on your own journey.
      You build your resilience, build your own community of good
      trustworthy relatives and friends.
      Make Istikhara ask Allah SWT and do what your gut says.
      Gut is our second brain. Listen to it.
      Learn about the legal process, talk to counselors. Take necessary action.

      Please don't feel guilty on this "I'll be cursed every night for the rest ofmy life due to not letting him touch me or come near me".
      This is not from Quran. Also this has many other requirements as well.
      No girl should be forced to marry someone and expect to sleep with him.

      Wish you all the very best. May Allah SWT make this easy for you and your son.

      Lot is Dua and Love for you
      Your Sister in Islam (US)

      NB. Sorry if anything I wrote is wrong, may Allah SWT forgive me

  3. Aslamualikum Sister,

    i am so sorry to hear about your coundrrum. But do realize, its not your fault, its your parents that messed up.

    If you feel bad, and you cant stand the person, then naturally you are getting stressed. Our bodies are not designed for constant stress, it will bring disease into your body such as high bp, heart prob. high Chloestrol. premature aging etc. Allah does not want its being to be hurt. That is why Allah has given you options.

    The problem with our parents is that, they think about what the society or family will think of them. They dont realize that the most important thing for a human being is its feelings. And if they are supressed, the body will shut down. They are doing more harm then good. I will post a utube link about stress and how it effects us.

    First of all, If you dont want to be touched, then the man should understand and not pressure you into touching it. The fact that he says that he will do anyting to make you like him is contradictory to what he is saying. Why cant one of those things be not touching you. ( He did say he is willing to do anything.) Seems like munipilation to me.

    Tell him that you need time to like him, you need a breather, to adjust, and in this time, he has to stay away from you, like in a diffrent room. This way you will be in more tranquality to think things over.

    Get you rights back, as a part of the above deal, ask him to tell your parents that every thing is cool. This way you get your car back, your job and go to school. Make sure you complete your education, because with out it you will be always someone mercy. dont let any one tell you otherwise.


    emotional manipulator

    Let me know if this helps you.

    Khuda Hafiz

  4. Sister,

    I have seen many woman in unhappy marriages where they did not love their husbands or were not phisically attracted to them. This has made their life very depressing and has negetive effects on every aspect of their married life. if both parents are not happy how can they bring up the child in a happy environment?. I always hear elders saying that woman especially should be patient in their marriage and accept hardship as this life is a test. But then if the man is not attracted to his wife he is advised to divorce her!. As he may commit zina by looking elsewhere. But the woman may start looking elsewhere too as she has desires too! Isn't this life a test for everyone? Parents don't seem to understand this fact.

    In order for you to be happy in this marriage you need to be attracted to your husband in some way either by his phisical appearance or his personalty /characteristics. But you do not like anything about him. So it is understandable that you will not like to be close to him. Thus you will be commiting sins by not obeying him and your mind will be open to other sins such as looking at other men to fullfill your desires.

    In my opinion since your parents got you married to help this guy out. You should wait till he gets his citizenship then divorce him if you wish, therefore you are not causing him or his family any hardship. You can sit down and explain it to your parents. Maybe they will not be too upset about it then.

    • Salam,

      "In my opinion since your parents got you married to help this guy out. You should wait till he gets his citizenship then divorce him if you wish, therefore you are not causing him or his family any hardship. You can sit down and explain it to your parents. Maybe they will not be too upset about it then." Sumaira

      If you are your family is helping some one there must be a good reason. Your parents think that if we have helped him, there will an esan on him, so he will be boud to take care of you in reciprocity. But you have to know, why is he in trouble in the first place. If you are helping some one that has commited crime, then you are commiting a sin.

      Khuda Hafiz

  5. Assalaamu Alaykum Warrahmatullah Wabarakatuh. Sister susu-rasher, I would advise you to find qualified scholars to your matters as they are in better position to tell you what is right for your marriage.

    Sister you shared a bed with this man and then carried his child. You could have told him that you don’t need him at your first night but you didn’t. Now there is a child between you, you may hate him but your children need their father and they need him to there for them.

    Don’t be delusional sister you live in the West and you know how difficult for single parent to raise children by their own. Therefore be patient and try to find marriage counselling to save your marriage and your children’s father.

    Wasalaamu Alaykum Warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

  6. I dont think it is a curse or you was forced. I think what the problem here is that you are not attracted to him FACT. No one asked what you wanted and because it happen all fast you got married to someone else who you from the beginning never accepted. HATE is a very strong word to use towards a man who gave everything to you including a beautiful son ulhumdiallah. I dont think you giving him a chance, you may hate him or hold the fact he is from a poor uneducated family but what you need to realise is people who are unmarried would love to find a husband like yours. No one said it would be easy because i do believe your searching something that maybe dont exists and please dont be fooled. by the selfishness of the world.

  7. Aslam o alaykum I'm a 19 year old girl I have 2sista n a brother that is older then me in wich 1 of my sistas is marrid nw alhumdulillah but I'm the 4th in the row 2 be marrid buh it didn't go tht way I had come 2 pakistan 2 c my nani n 2 help my mum n on lukin after them as my mum is onli child so I came n afta 2 weeks cumin into pakistan my nani past away to cut the story short my dad had always sed 2 me I wnt you 2 marry this guy becuz he's a good guy 4rm a good famliy n is a close person 2 allah (swt) as he is reali religous n the time that helps people wen they are in trouble. Dispite that I sed no I don't want to as I alredy had some 1 that I love but neva have told my parents as I didn't hve the courage 2 say so it went on with my dad talkn n sayn how much he's help us n how much they care bwt our famliy n den the guys famliy askd me on wht I feel I sed I'm nt redy as I'm young so dey gave me a mont 2 thing bwt is so I did as I was hvng ups n downs with my love bwt the situation so we stopd talkn 4 a while n den it come to a point as I use to go to der house becuz I had no1 my age here exept his sisters whom I got along wid n all I eva use to hear was ahh crnt wait til u mary our brother n wil do this wil do that it use 2 irratat me but I keept quite so amonth down the line dey askd again n my dad would stil go on about it on how he had done n wuld say how happy he wuld be n if I didn't I would lose a lot n tht we as his kids hve hurt him a lot 4 not gettin marrid n wastin time so I felt presurised so I agreed n dey sed fine wil gt u marrid latter down the line I was ok wid tht as I had a chnce to speak 2 the guy n 2 try make my dad happy but it dint go tht wai 2 weeks later dey announced my nikkah n sed we had 5days of shoppin I was in shock I jus went with the flow n n spoke 2 my ex who had told me not to as I wuld come bk to him n tht I tryd chngn his thort by sayn no I'm happy my parents r hapy 2 n I blockd contact wid him (wich hurt me as if sum1 had stabbed me so I carryd on wid evrythng tht was goin of n the nikkah happend n soon aftA my parents treated me life royalti as if I was sum1 new 2der life I went wit the flow I thort I'll mke it work but inside I felt trapped tht I culdnt open up 2 my parents bwt wht I realii wnt so I continued bein the person I am frendly n gettin on n understandin evry1 but it come 2 a point nw were I crnt stand his face I hate lukin at him I crnt evan communicate wid him n neva have communicated wid him eye 2 eye he 1nce gve me a lift home I didn't speak n he out the blue jus griped my hand n put it around him to hold on so I moved my hand in anger tht y he tryd 2 do tht cuz if I wnted 2 du it I wuld hve myself I didn't need no help so gt hme n jus behved normal I love his famliy as they are so nice n kind 2 me iv neva felt shortage of anythng but its nt that its the fact I crnt stant the guy how am I ment to stay wid him its onli bin 2 months since the nikkah n I want to leve him I crnt stant him neva til this day hve I spoke 2 him over the phone its bin nw 6munths n I'll be goin bk to the uk buh I wnt to tel my parents bwwt him. Tht I don't wnt him n I want to be wit my ex my ex n me hav sorted things out n I crnt liv witout him I told him evrythng n how I dun it 4 famliy n hoiw I felt preusrised n tht I wnt him I'm young but ino wht I wnt I wnt the person I love the 1 I open myselfupto the 1 tht I can speak 2 bwt anythng n I wna tel my parents as son as I gt bak becuz I don't wnt to tke no chnced of thm levin me here. They hve planed my weddin for next year n before it gts any worser I wnt to put n end 2 it all somwplease help meee !! I posted here as I'm usin my phne n I don't hve acses 2 internet 2 aply wid

  8. Asalamualikm sister. I am sorry you had to endure this experience but really, did your pareants physically force you to go and get married to your cousin or did you agree to it?

    Anyway even if he doesn't divorce you , Islamically you can get a Khula, (it is a womans right to seeking a divorce) you are required to fill an application form, which cover most of the details about the marriage itself, you provide your nikhah/marriage Certificate and other relevant documents and small fee and the Islamic council will do this for you.

    Please contact your local imam to proceed with this, if this is what you want.

  9. Thank you so much starflower as for everyone who is advising me to be patient.. That's impossible. I can't stand him around for few minutes and u want me to be patient a whole entire life? no way. I have rights too and I will use my rights instead of living a life that I was stressed out to agree upon. I'm referring every second of my agreement to this marriage... But I was young and no one advised or asked what do I want.. A 17 year ok'd girl would I want to be happy with a nice wedding and beautiful dress and parties and a husband that can make u smile. I didn't get any of that 🙁 . Anyway me and Jim are living separately right now but the family r still talking me into giving him another chance but I said if I could I would.. but everytime I hear his voice I change my mind becuz I couldn't bare the sound of his voice let alone living together under one roof alone working things out. Id probaly end up with something really bad.. Such as hurting him or my self. I just cant stand him. Inshallah I have decided to wait for his citizenship and then I will either ask for divorce or khula. The only thing I'm worried abt is that his reaction after divorce. Hes saying alot crazy things such as "killing himself". But I don't think I should worry much abt that...right?

    • Hello susu,

      U should think of your happiness, most of women who have been patient for years with a man who they are not happy to live with, they usually spend a miserable life, but u said u got a child that's the only sad part, the child will be innocent and living within separated family, but better to get separated than forcing yourself being in unhappy life and with more children.

      Don't worry about the threat of killing himself, he is trying to keep u only. It's nice that you are honest with yourself and had the courage to talk to him about the truth.

      I wish u all happiness

  10. Thanx alot that's the best advice so far because it seems like ur very understanding... Other r just afraid to give that type of advice because in their mind it's better to fix aarriage then ruining it but in my case divorce will fix both sides it should not ruin anything at all. Thank u!

Leave a Response