Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband and I have a loveless marriage

I have been married for 10 years. During these 10 years I have had many difficulties and problems in my marriage. My husband and I are not compatible in any way. My husband and I are two very different people. We have nothing in common. I have 3 daughters. During these 10 years of marriage I have been living the life of a single person, I mean I do all the household chores, take the kids out by myself...

My husband does not participate in any famiy outings or taking the kids out. He is obssessed wih late nights and t.v. I am opposite to him, I like to practice islam and try to be a good muslim.

I am unhappy in my marriage; I am not able to communicate with my husband, his and my thoughts and ideas are worlds apart. My daughters love their dad, and due to this I am perservering in this marriage. I feel lonely as I have no affection or love for my husband and I presume he feels the same.

We sleep in seperate rooms and only sleep together when he needs sex. I feel sad that I dont feel happy about having sex with him and he feels angry when I refuse.

I feel that I have tried hard for my marriage to work but I am not getting anywhere. My husband is very stubborn and as a result of this I am unable to express and feel scared about telling him how I feel. My husband and I have a mortgage and I feel worried that if we seperate how will I manage on my own with 3 children. I live close to family and again if I take any step towards separation I will have a lot of pressure from family. I amd totally confused and I hope you may be able to give me some advice.

- Sister Selina, UK


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41 Responses »

  1. Salam,

    You've done the right thing by persevering in your marriage. There must be some things you two have in common. Try to find those mutual interests and do activities related to them. Marriage counseling is also very helpful, and nothing to be ashamed of. But, you should go to marriage counselors that are experienced and preferably trained. Your local imam might not be properly trained. I think you need to somehow communicate your feelings to him.

    • salam,
      my mom is in the same situation its been 30 years now just for us three kids she suffered.But i dont want any 1 to do this.You should not thnk about others thinks about you and your kids.you will get reward for having faith.just do that may Allah guide you .

      • i am same situation i never met this person just was pushed into this marriage by family i been trying to get out but no luck now i have four kids and no job or education because i got married at age of 18 out high school, i gave my best to this marriage the harder i tried further he pushed me, at home we are not even friends or roommate, but in public he is a great man to everyone, he never ever asked how i am what is bothering me if i need anything or why i am sad or crying just sit there for hours and watch tv than he go out without a word to me or kids go shop eat enjoy his day and come and sleep.. plz help i am dying alone and alone i do pray and take kids to masjid every sunday he never pray and always miss prayer too i tried for years to get him involved in islamic ways, i try to teach my kids all i can but emotionally i am so upset and hurt that i am loosing it I do need help....he is not true muslim he is not family man or husband he say he is not emotional person. in twenty five years we slept together few times i can count all those times, i did wanted kids cuz i was lonely i am anti- social now i hate everything i wish for nothing i want nothing nothing make me smile the only thing keep me going is my kids but it is not easy to go to bed alone or have no one to talk to or share with i am very private person i never say anything negative about him to anyone my family respect him and treat him well...where can i go for help we didn't have any relation for last ten years no contact no just talk about kids and bills, he leave in the owning and come late at night even weekend he leave he is well established i was very patient when he was struggling and give him all the support and space he needed but at this age it's killing me i pray my prayers are getting longer and longer but it doesn't help with the emptiness and witht pain, i feel like left over food or piece of furniture that u buy and forget to take care ....i grew up in usa very traditional way i do respect and honor my islamic ways but where does it stop. he asked me to stop working now i am more lonely than ever.

        • Sana, my dear AssalamAlaikum. All you wrote is exactly what I could have written. YOur story is mine word for word. Everyone tells me how lucjy I am married to an angel. I only see the devil part in our life. Ifeel for you. How are you doing now? I see the post is 8 years old. Brother WAEL do you think you couldsend her my email address?

    • Brother Adam, I know you mean well. But in this situation I do not think you know what you are talking about. Trust me, I am in the same situation, these kind of men have no desire to make their families life better. They are okay, do what they want and treat their families like garbage. Their lives are good and they are well-respected by society and community. It is we women who suffer, hang in for the kids and die inside everyday. If ever my post gets published, you will see what my life is like and there are too many of us suffering like this. All those around us who want to help and pretend to care are the ones who discouraged us from leaving when we had the chance because their honor is more important. I often tell my parents I hate our culture and they say we have a beautiful culture. The problem is that too many cultures, even non-Muslim ones have the same values of honor and letting their women and daughters suffer. My mother always tells me how her brother told her that a respectable womans body leaves her husbands home meaning you marry and die in that home.

  2. You've done the right think for the past 10 years and i have lots of respect for you. But their's time when you need to feel wanted and need by your husband and loved. Was he the same when you two gat married. I feel you pain God bless you and hopefuly you will find happenes.

  3. I feel your pain, Selena. I know its a very difficult position to be in. Every path seems like a dead end. You don't know if you should stay for the sake of the children or leave for the sake of the children. You may feel confused because leaving would make you a better Muslim, (since your spouse probably brings out the worst in you) while staying would give your children the benefits of being in an intact home.
    It's so easy for people like one of the above commenters to just say "find things you have in common" as if it's such a simple problem. Having no sexual desire for your husband, feeling FEAR of him, having NO companionship or emotional support from him, and not sharing common Islamic values are NOT minor problems that can be solved by "doing activities" together. A man such as that would probably not even be interested in activities, let alone be a willing participant in marriage counseling. Remember that while a peaceful and sound marriage is the best thing, the best thing does not always happen and Allah allows a way out if you feel any type of oppression is taking place to you or by you.
    I would advise you to be prepared for both situations. In case you leave make sure you have the ability to earn a living and take care of your basic needs with out having to rely on your extended family. They will NOT support you emotionally through this. You ONLY have Allah. Remember that Allah is your ONLY friend and helper in this time. Go back to school, take classes and earn a degree, pick up a trade or whatever. Just do something that would allow you to work while the kids are in school.If you decide to stay, this will make you feel more comfortable and confident about yourself and if you leave, it will be your means of support.
    Secondly and more importantly, work very hard on your own soul. Do dhikr and asthughfar ALL the time ('ya Latif' is a great one) remember Allah while your driving, cooking, cleaning etc. Remember that dua is your greatest weapon. Duas don't go unanswered and the ones that do go unanswered are also for your own good. Remember also that your fate is in the hands of Allah. Every hardship you face is for a reason and will not go in vain. It will either teach you a lesson, make you stronger or pave the way for a better future inshaAllah. If you are sincere and patient, Allah will put in your heart that which will lead you to take the best action for yourself and your daughters, whether that is to stay or to leave.
    I'm not a scholar but i've seen these situations. I assure you that you are not alone. Our women unfortunately do not have enough support from our communities or even our own families, who have been indoctrinated not by Islam, but the oppressive cultures of their particular home countries. Women are basically told to "shut up and deal with it", which only enables another generation of boys that will turn in to these kinds of psudo-men, just so the people around us don't feel "shame" and "embarrassment".
    Selena, you are a strong and intelligent woman. You are a loving and caring mother. this is a high rank in the eyes of Allah if you do it right. This is true even if your husband or family doesn't recognize it or appreciate it. It will be your husbands own loss if he doesn't soon come to this realization. I am confident that you will make the right decisions as long as you trust in Allah and have faith in yourself.

    -Fatima

    • Thank you so much for writing this response, Fatima. I am going through something similar and such compassionate is so kind I cannot stop my tears. May God heap blessings on top of blessings in your life.

      • Thank you Fatima... I too have been suffering in a marriage. My husband lives a double life, he prays daily, yet he abuses me shortly after his prayers. He resents spending time with me, and we too sleep in separate rooms. Communication is horrible between us, because messages never get to me from family and friends. If it wasn't for the financial and immigration issues, I would have left long ago.

    • Sister fatma. May Allah reward you for your words have eased my pain today. I am exactly in the same situation and it is soooo hard to deal with it. Culture has killed my life. I am only stuck in this loveless hopeless and friendless marriage because i dont want my sons to loose their father. Though he is never their for them.

      I am lost

  4. Well we r just reading ur side of the story and we havent read his so we cant actualy say his "the problem" Allah is not cruel and wAllah Allah only gives u what u deserve.by the way he is ur husband sex wit u is his right.my husband sometimes wakes me up 3oclock in the night for sex when he wakes me up i open my eyes and smile and gives him what he wants with full passion this makes him happy and makes him adore and like me more.do things even if its small to please ur husband it doesnt mean he dnt care u cant care .u must care life is short do ur best.and pls most women likes shouting and that pushes the man away so stop it and ask him how he feel abt wat is wrong so that change that and make him happy.ur 10yrs marid u wana dvorce and then? And then wat? Huh? Wen u dvorced den u gona become a drama queen aaaah i miss my husband aaaah Allah y? Allah y what? Huh u the one who wantd the dvorce.look u can change things but wen u dvorce its over.he can jus go india or mauratania n get a young wife.and u all alone.wats d use keep him while u can.go ask him sorry and do ur best to please him and always make dua and go sleep next to him massage him and sing nasheeds for him and offer him sex 6times a day men love sex its a fact.so do wat u can do good then u wil c how d life change.

    • Wow Nadheerah what world do u live in may Allah have mercy on u ,u don't know what other ppl go thru just cause ur husband wants to sleep with u 6x a day dosent mean that it goes for everyone.. U really should think before u talk !

      • im really sorry i was not thinking straight well i wasnt drank but i was ignorant jeeze i feel so awful having to read that message now.

        • Nadeerah, I would have to see you giving your husband sex being woken at 3am with smile and passion. I am sorry but no woman, after having spent a day of housework, kids husband wakes at three with a smile. What a crock!

      • What is wrong with this lady Nadaheera. I pray for her. My husband said he doesn't even want sex with me. He is stubborn and mean to me not anyone but me. I feel sad and lonely. But i do know God has my back. I love him. But im tired of the disrespect and no communication. And he supposed to be a deacon in the church. Needless to say I dont go to that church anymore as they do know how he treats his wife. I dont understand why im still with him at all. I have my own bedroom. He didnt like me sleeping with him anyway. My mind keep telling me im wrong. But God tells me that He is there for me and he is working it out. I just want my own place and continue to be strong in the Lord. God will work this thing out. Im 55 and dont want to grow old miserable and unhappy. I have guardianship of my 14 yr old granddaughter whom he loves. She keeps me company as well. Thank God for her. God has never left me or forsaked me. And I dont believe He ever will. So Godbless everyone who may be going through similar situations. By the way this is his 3rd marriage and he treated his other 2 wives the same. He has to see whats wrong at some point in his life. I just want to leave and have peace. I trust GOd though.

        • Joanne, I send you love. I know your story all too well. It is mine too. Maybe, brother Wael will send you my email and we can check up on each other. I am turning 50 and have spent all my life alone and lonely. Sending you love.

    • Oh my gosh please don't listen to this sister. You know sex without foreplay is zulm. Of course there is two sides but you cannot rule out his error in not spending time with kids, coming home late, spending more time with friends..etc etc

      Can't you see this sister is going through yraumt and people like you are just making it worse

    • Most women shout scream cry complain argue gossip n create drama n r never happy. They try to be the MOTHER to their husband instead of being a WIFE. Fix urself up coz ur not special n ur not his mother

  5. Salaam

    The husband does have the right for his wife to sleep with him but there are also conditions for that. Nadheera, you sound insensitive and harsh - although you have some good points, you should try to be more empathetic. The sister is looking for guidance, not someone to patronize her and fill her mind with unnecessary doubts or fears!

    • im sorry your so right i guess im evil please make dua for me i dont know what i was thinking to have type that disgusting and rude message.

  6. Salaam Sister,

    I really feel sorry for you...just like to point out to sister Nadheerah that women have rights too and our Prophet was an example the way he would treat his wives with kindness and help out with household chores.. it is very difficult to find someone with those qualities...it takes 2 to make a home. A man should take responsbility of his kids and take an interest in his household all i can say sister is that my Allah make things better for you and make a dua that Allah gives all muslim women a good, understanding and loving husband.
    Ameen...

  7. I would like to apologise for my rude behaviour it was unethical and unislamic i feel your pain and would advise you to ask a scholar on what you should do as i dont know what you should do in this case islamically once again im sorry i was stupid.

  8. Salam Selina

    I'm in virtually the same situation as u n am emotionally n mentally tired of my relationship with my patner.
    My marriage died 'years n years' ago cos of his temper n unreasonable attiude although he's a model man to the outside world.
    I'm not going to go into what u shd or shouldn't do cos I can't seem to see light at the end of the tunnel...but my prayers to Allah swt give me the solace that my life will get better soon.
    I'll make abundant duas tonight for sisters like us n others around the world who love deen and just need a husband to share it with pure love n respect ameen.

    • Sister, I send you love and duas. May Allah guide us and our husbands to do right by each other and live good Islamic lives and may our daughters not repeat our lives. Ameen.

  9. dear mam,my husband and i met quiet young in life,being hindu i converted to islam,for the sake of love-in return he treats me with no respect,he takes us no wear swear vulgar languanges ,screams for all to hear and also hits me.this is being happening for 25 years,i can not go to my famlies for help.after all i married some one of my religon.wat must i do-i feel like killing myself.help me with a decesion-from SOUTH AFRICA

  10. May Allah SWT grant u ease sis, ameen, i truly feel ur pain, i got married in june 2011 and 3 days after my wedding, my ex husband told me that he doesnt find me compatible with him, i was married for only 7 weeks qadr Allah, i will remember u in my duas sis <3

    • Nilupa, perhaps you will find my comment insensitive. But if my husband had told me I was incompatible, I would not hve live 23 years of misery. I would not have born two children who also live in misery and are happier when the father steps out or falls asleep. I think you are lucky that it happened inthe first few weeks before you had a child. How are you now, are you married. Did Allah SWT send you a good man to replace that one?

  11. For all you sisters suffering, I now feel the pain. I have recently just got married two weeks ago, I had left my family for my husband thinking that I was going for the right person, and that we would have a great knowledge of understanding between us. However, this thought had flopped, I am now living with my husband who has chosen to tag along two of his male friends to live with us too, he fails to acknowledge that I am his wife and that I deserve a little time, love and care. He loses his temper regularly for no reason whatsoever and spends 98% of the time with his friends. Please can someone give me a dua to strengthen my bond with my husband if possible please? Jazakallah

  12. Is there any dua for making the relationship stronger?

  13. all what is happening for us because we forget Allah and got busy by worldly pleasures , keep saying Astaghfirullah Al Azim ,, فَقُلْتُ اسْتَغْفِرُوا رَبَّكُمْ إِنَّهُ كَانَ غَفَّارًا. يُرْسِلِ السَّمَاء عَلَيْكُم مِّدْرَارًا. وَيُمْدِدْكُمْ بِأَمْوَالٍ وَبَنِينَ وَيَجْعَل لَّكُمْ جَنَّاتٍ وَيَجْعَل لَّكُمْ أَنْهَارًا. مَّا لَكُمْ لا تَرْجُونَ لِلَّهِ وَقَارًا. وَقَدْ خَلَقَكُمْ أَطْوَارًا ...

  14. hi i am suffering the same situation , but there is another thing that i am going through that my husband do not support me financially he deprive me even for single penny ...in result when ever i need something which is really important like clothes for my kids or for me i finally have to look up to my parents or brother ...this is shamefull for me ...second most important thing is that they involve his mother and a divorced sister into our personal affair from small to big matters of life...they misbehave with me and with my kids and my husband do not tell them to stop ...and they are so materialistic and greedy that they feel that they did not get enough money or dowry at time of my marraige...please kindly help me what should i do ...these days they have left me at my mother's house with my kids and my husband is not coming to get us it is almost 7 months ...i am so upset because my kids are getting disturbed psycologicaly

  15. Salaams I've been reading all the matters. My situation is so different...

    [Editor's note: Please submit your question as a new post for publication rather than as a comment on an existing post. That way it can be published and answered in turn, inshaAllah.]

  16. Salam sisters,

    Let me say this I felt wow that is your problem where my husband and I have lived in a sexless marriage for over 15 years compounded with no mutual understanding or feelings . I have discussed so may times with him the issue and even asked him for another child I have only one but he refuses. I go mad sometimes feeling lonely unloved ugly rejected and bring myself together again inshallah knowing this is a temporary world. I don't contemplate leaving for the sake of my only son. I feel if I stand up for myself I create waves. So I force myself to remain silent. Is this sabr ? Sabr for who ? However it has affected my health.

    I just do a lot of zikhr. I am ashamed and worried what my judgement will be on my marriage by Allah(swt) on judgement day. I can only ask Allah for His Mercy.

    Men on the whole in our community are so insensitive to the female gender despite having sisters and their own mother. And sisters don't fully appreciate the inner turmoil.

    Allah forgive us and guide us even in these trapped marriages. There are plenty of these in this dunya.

  17. Assalamualaikum.iam nasrin.family problem tat is me and my hus
    .my have married 5 years.my problem is only about mother in law....

    • Nazrin, please register and submit your question as a separate post, or better yet just search our archives, as we have published many, many posts about mother-in-law problems.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Assalam Alaikum brother Wael. All these women are telling my story. I have never been able to talk or tell anyone till recently. Will you please share my email with these women. I am going crazy. I need someone to
        l isten to me and these women need the same thing. Please share our emails so we can support each other.

  18. Aslaam alaikum
    Myself Shaistha
    My marriage is dead my husband does not provide me any emotional support he thinks that his wife should kept quiet for whatever he does she should live a life of dumb person
    If I asked him to talk with me he says what's there to talk with u like got angry on this really am feeling like hell in my life my life is filled with full emptiness but he pretends to be very noble person every ones eyes I had two children(boys) he never ever helped me to brought up the kids. What's the use of this kind of marriage in life sometimes I think of committing suicide but my kids are the reason to live really I just fed up of this person

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