Islamic marriage advice and family advice

A four year relationship with a married man

pain healing

I am friends with a muslim sister who has been in a relationship with a muslim man for 4 years. They have never married she said its cause he don't want to upset set his family. After being with him for about 2 years in secret his family found him a wife and he got married. From that moment she changed. She is heartbroken.

I told her to end it and told her she is better than that but she has tried so many time to end it but sooner or later one of them start contacting each other and it starts all over again. She said he loves her and I believe he probably does but its wrong and she knows it and its making her depressed cause neither of them want to let go.

In the summer I thought it was all over and she seemed to be getting over it but in december he contacted her again and it has all started again. I think she is waiting in hope of becoming his second wife but I don't no if that will ever happen as now he has a son.

Sooner or later someone is going to find out about there affair and someone is going to get hurt. She is a very kind hearted person and this is so not like her. She has asked me not to tell anyone cause she doesn't want his wife to get hurt and she doesn't want him to lose his family. But I had to tell someone cause I don't know what I should do.


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15 Responses »

  1. i do not understand why you should have to be unhappy because of family beliefs ( non islamic beliefs)

  2. salam alakum, i see your points of views and agree with you, but have any of you ever thought about looking at the other point of view, i fell ....(Remainder of question deleted by Editor)

  3. Salaams Boo

    What a sad post my heart goes out to your friend and please tell her to cut ties with this married man he is using her and she will have all the blame put onto her when his wife finds out. Don’t she get it, if the man loved her and I mean truly he would have married her first off go but no instead it is ok to have someone on the side regardless what’s going to happen when someone finds out. Please tell your dear friend leave him, delete his number, change her number and run far from this using of a man. He is clearly taking advantage of her good nature and now he has got her where he needs her he don’t care. If he did then there would be no secrets or hidings in the first place. My heart goes out to his wife its no fault of hers or the baby tell your friend to think about that, maybe then she realise what both of their actions will do to the family.

    • She said her nephew is going to put a stop to it all by telling his wife. I don't no if I can stop him

      • Her own family member can make the situation worse and more this is a major sin. I really pray for your friend's sake she leaves him she don't need a weak man like this has he is clearly using her why can she see she is worth more than having self respect for herself.

  4. Assalam o alikum,

    "Those who love the life of this world more then the Hereafter, who hinder (men) from the Path of Allaah and seek therein something crooked: they are astray by a long distance."
    Surah Ibrahim 14:3

    "Verily never will Allaah change the condition of a people until they change it themselves (with their own souls). But when (once) Allaah wills a people's punishment there can be no turning it back, nor will they find, besides Him, any to protect."
    Surah Al-Ra'd 13:11

    "O mankind! Fear your Lord! For the convulsion of the Hour (of Judgment) will be a thing terrible!"
    Surah Al-Hajj 22:1

    Your friend needs to stop sinning with this man. She has two options: cut all ties with him nd leave him then repent sincerily and not do that sin again. She needs to become closer to Allaah (swt), establish regular prayers, read Qur'an and do good deeds. Or she can do all that with a difference of requesting the man to marry her. If he cant or wont marry her then she needs to break it off with him.
    It isnt going to be easy but this life is just a test from Allaah (swt). Noone said its going to be easy. Actually the harder the chices and the bigger the sacrifices in the name of God (to do good) is whats going to gain you a Reward InshaAllaah.

    "Nor come near to adultery: for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils)."
    Surah Al-Israa 17:32

    "To such as Allaah rejects from His guidance, there can be no guide: He will leave them in their tresspasses, wandering in distraction."
    Surah Al-A'raf 7:186

    "Truly Hell is as place of ambush, for the transgressors a place of destination: They will dwell therein for ages."
    Surah An-Nabaa 78:21-23

    She needs to fear Allaah (swt) and because of the magnitude of the punishment she needs to stop sinning with this man.
    Let the Rewards nd blessings of doing good and following the Right Path be her motivation Subhanallaah.

    Allaah knows best!

    Khuda hafiz

    Sister Hafsah

  5. Asalam aleikum
    This man is clearly taking advantage of her. So because he does not want to upset his family she should be a secret? So because he does not want to lose his family, you friend's happiness should be at stake? Your friend should repent and ask for forgiveness. She should sit this man down and let him know that if they cant be together the haalal way then they CAN NOT be together any other way. That man should take her in as a second wife and keep her if he loves her for real. If not then leave her alone to find a man who loves her truly. He ought to make a decision soon,very soon so that everyone can cut their losses and be happy. If the man is doing it out of spite, may he be forgiven and change his ways.
    May she find peace and live her life according to the prophet's ways.

  6. Asalamo alaykum,

    Your friend is shaytans left hand and she is doing as he says, but as with everything he disguised it well and made her chasing false hope, she is commiting the biggest sins anyone can, and she must realise this.

    I am going to start by saying, it was haraam to ever be in a relationship outside of marriage and this caused the events that followed, now at this point they knew that only marriage would make their relaltionship halal, but if this man loved her then why did he not marry her?, not the sign of a commited man in love, instead he got married to another woman, now he was already in a haraam relationship and he should have cut off all links and she should have done the same.

    Again if he loves her then why not marry, a clear indication this man is just playing a game, he has got 2 women on the go, to be honest he is living the life, what is better than 2 sexual partners, BUT your friend needs to realise that being the bit on the side isnt her life, she is ruining herself not to mention destroying his marriage, his other wife is unaware and so it should remain but this must end now.
    If he ever tries to contact again then remove his number, delete emails, and cut of all contact, Allah will help her get over this man, she must repent for her sins.

    Below is a verse from the quran:-
    The Noble Qur'an An-Nur 24:2-9

    The woman and the man guilty of illegal sexual intercourse, flog each of them with a hundred stripes. Let not pity withhold you in their case, in a punishment prescribed by Allâh, if you believe in Allâh and the Last Day. And let a party of the believers witness their punishment. (This punishment is for unmarried persons guilty of the above crime but if married persons commit it, the punishment is to stone them to death, according to Allâh's Law).

    The punishment for what your frined and the married man is doing is DEATH by stoning, she needs to realise what serious mess she is in, and heavily repent that Allah forgive her, i need not say more you can interpret this verse yourself and realise the severity, i hope you show her this too.

    If this comes out, then the punishment gets worse, well it cant do really but after death it gets worse, it would shatter his family and cause serious psychological problems to his son, your friend will end up enemy of the state and she will lose credibility, so not only lose potential marriage partners but be branded a 'slapper', now that is a title no-one would like to be called by, so make her think about what is coming.

    Her good nature has been taken advantage of, this man is having is fun and thats it because if he really wanted her and loved her, then he would have married her the first time, and if he still does then he could have taken her as a second wife, but notice how he is living 2 lives, he has a child and wife in one, and in the other his dirty affair with your friend, he is enjoying her company but has no care for her, this should be evident when he married another woman and didnt fight to marry her, your friend needs to cut all her ties with this man, fall to her kness and beg for mercy, because she is sinking in sin and haraam, and really needs to get closer to Allah and clean herself of the dirt and shame she has bought upon herself.

    She must repent, she must pray, she must cut ties with him, she must realise her mistakes, she must move on, and she must never breathe a word to anyone and leave it between her and Allah, with you the only other being, and likewise you should not tell anyone.

    Sister explain all this to your friend, and quote the Quran, she needs to wake up, and i hope with help of Allah you make her see that, and she makes a change insha'Allah.

    • I no some for her none Muslim friends have found out and he has told a family member is this very bad for her deen?

      • In islam we should conceal our own sins and if we know of others sins then also we should conceal, this is explained in the following hadith

        Abu Hurairah (Radiyallaahu `anhu) reported Allah’s Apostle (Sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam) said:

        “The servant (who conceals) the faults of others in this world, Allah would conceal his faults on the Day of Resurrection.”

        Sahih Muslim (Book 032, Number 6267)

        So those who know should never speak a word to anyone, and both the man and your friend must make sure of this, it is wrong to tell others and one should keep his sins between him/herself and Allah.

        But sister do tell your friend all of this, and i admire you are being supportive but its time for tough love and with your help she can come out of this situation, and the rewards for you are great, so help your friend best you can.

        May Allah guide her and may Allah give you the strength to help her out of this situation, take the advice and insha'Allah everything will be fine.

  7. first of all she must repent , whatever she has done is haram (zina) and she thinks that it is love, Shame on her and her mentality is also very poor... she should pray to allah and tell her to utilize the time in namaz and in islamic things. in this way she can get the right path, if she will follow islam correctly then only depression or whatever bad thinking will be gone.....................

    • I think your words are harsh saying her mentality is poor. She is a divored woman with children and has a very tough time. She was always a strong person until she met this man she is very smart caring loving and a great mother and insallah allah will see these good qualities and have mercy on her and get her to do the right thing.

      • so is this a right way of having relationship with any guy, she should have got married in a right way. there is no way that she can trust any guy like this.

      • sister even if your friend is divorced and had a tough time it don't give someone the right to do wrong or deserves to be in a relationship secret with a married man. How do you think that women will feel and that child. That's why more than any reason tell your friend to cut ties before she lands into much more difficulty. If your friend has any sense she keep her selfworth/respect while she can before it is too late.

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