Islamic marriage advice and family advice

A housewife or working woman?

Crying Muslim Woman

Assalamalaikum brothers and sisters i have been married since 4 years , i am in a situation were i cant judge what is right or wrong i am totally blank and just compromising with everything .... My husband is not working since we have got married i have been taking care of all household expenses andeven my husbands expenses and i love him a lot and care too much about him, he had lost his job a year prior to our wedding and had loss, i did understand his situation and always supported him and then i started working so to help him till he finds job but till date there is no change he is always at home but now he says i am not a proper muslim women as i am not able to balance between my work and house he is always taunting me and dont help me never speaks good always mentally torture me talking ill about my family i dont know what has happend to him if i say him go to work as i want a baby now and i cant take this stress anymore he says me FIRST YOU BECOME GOOD WOMEN THEN I WILL GO TO WORK ? what dose this mean i cook,i clean ,i satisfy him, and also work and yes i am not perfect housewife as i am very tired by end of day working and i come home and see house messy and if i say him to help me he will start taunting mesaying iam not your servant you are proud of your education etc i love him very much and i have tried to explain him he agree that i am taking care of everything but he also want me to be full housewife iam working in international school as coordinator iam into managerial role i have big responsibility on my shoulder  were i will have to get some work to home if i dont find time to complete in school , iam very stressed as he is not earning anything and not emotionally supporting me now and never even go out of house always at home and i work and come back home and take incharge of household chores my question is IF I FAIL TO DO THE PERFECT HOUSEHOLD JOB AS HOUSEWIFE DO DUE TO MY WORK  AM I DOING A SIN AM I NOT CAPABLE TO GET LOVE AND RESPECT .............i am unable to manage 100% household as due to my work i wish my husband goes to work and i can take break  but my husband says i must learn to be 100% housewife only then he will go for work as he finds no reason for going to work as i am not proper housewife 🙁 please explain me what does it mean.....................


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12 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister
    Stay strong. You are doing everything you can to be honest you are doing more than you should. Marriage is a relationship between husband and wife and they need to work together and share the load one person can't do it all. I would suggest giving him the responsibility and he will have no choice but to deal with it. I don't think having kids is a solution not just as yet. You don't want to have kids and increase your workload you would rather wait till he becomes responsible and starts earning and feeds his family and you stay home and take care of the house. You need to tell him straight just quit your job and tell him it's his responsibility to earn and provide. If he doesn't listen then I think you need to give him a break. Go to your parents house or get your parents to speak to him first if that doesn't work then go and stay at your parents house for few weeks or months or however long it takes for him to get back on his feet and wake up. Don't let yourself be used like this. He is just gettin lazy watching you do everything and because you aren't challenging this behaviour and making him do things he thinks it's okay to carry on.

  2. as salaamu alaykum sis aymanimran

    Your husband should start by criticising himself, for not working to support You, before criticising you, who're working beyond your capacity! I don't know why you love this brother; I assume he has Some qualities, but it seems to me you deserve his love more than he deserves yours! Do Not quit your day time job but make it clear to your husband that he needs to pull his share of the work load or you will Leave him! Please No children before he's reformed his Un-islamic ways and is Constant on that path!

    • I feel like your husband is insecure because you are earning and he isn't. This is the reason y he talks down to you. It kind of shows what a weak person he is otherwise a strong man would have thanked and appreciated all that you are doing.
      I would suggest you leave work because as long as you are working he won't look for a job. He might be feeling that even if he starts work he won't earn as much as you so this is also a hinderencr for him. Quit work and tell him it's his responsibility to provide for you and you will be the perfect housewife that he wants. Encourage him as he is insecure.

    • Salamu alaykum dear sister,

      I totally agree with Goran.
      You are doing more than you should be doing and I think your husband knows that and has a low self-esteem.
      Surely a husband who is home all day, doesn't help his wife in any way, has an inner voice which says he should be doing something or helping you out.
      But he is weak and only listens to Shaytan who is constantly messing with his head.

      Be strong, stay strong and take care of yourself. I mean, do some things which are relaxing for you.
      He says mean things to you just to make you weak and vulnerable. Don't let that happen!

      Of course you are not perfect, but so isn't he.
      It is not your Islamic duty to provide for income, your money is your money. You can help him if he needs it but it is not obligatory.

      Let him know you are tired and needs some help. Talk to him calmly and show him the right path.

      In sha Allah you will be happy and hopefully he will change.

  3. I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but laugh. Not at your problem, but at how your husband is acting towards you and how you are reacting to his treatment of you...

    Ask yourself, sister, if your husband is really in a position to preach to you about "proper womanhood" - considering he, as the so-called man of the house, has relied on you, a woman, to put a roof over his head and food on his table (or should I say your table. After all, you've bought it and the food on it) for four years. FOUR YEARS! That's crazy! What kind of man doesn't work for four years (unless he's ill, handicapped or too old)?! Most men wouldn't feel like "proper men" (just to use your husband's own terminology) if they were in your husband's shoes. I guess the fact that your husband bullies you and goes out of his way to push you down (clearly to make himself feel like he's above you) tells me he indeed does feel bad about himself and his masculinity. And not only that, he sounds like a really lazy person. If he hasn't worked for four years nor lifted a finger around the house...what does he actually do to pass his time? Sleep, eat and have sex? If so, I have to ask you this serious question: Is your husband a human creature or a wild animal?

    I suspect your husband's laziness and lack of motivation to do anything active with his life outweighs his masculine insecurities, which is why he hasn't had a job for four years. It looks to me like your husband probably believes it's better or easier to be lazy and inactive than to be "a proper man" (again, just to use his own terminology) that takes care of his obligations and responsibilities.

    Why are you putting up with him, sister? People only treat us as badly as we allow them to treat us - you need to put up some boundaries for what you can and will tolerate from people. Including from your own husband. Islam teaches us to work on our marriage, yes, but Islam doesn't command any of us to tolerate being treated like dirt by anybody. Least of all by our own spouse. Please don't think you don't have any Islamic and human right to receive respectful, kind and loving treatment from your husband (the same way you should be treating him, of course). You're not doing the right thing by convincing yourself you're a poor victim in all of this, and by passively waiting for something or someone to come in to your life to change your situation. As things are now, you are actually very much enabling his bad and lazy behaviour. You allow it. So he's going to continue down this ugly path for as long as you push the baby pram he's happily living in.

    Now, I'm sure your husband isn't going to be the one to initiate changing things in your marriage or in his own behaviour, because why would he? As things are now, his life is great! Everything is handed to him on a diamond platter: He sleeps for as long as he wants, he has every minute of the day to himself to do whatever he wants, his bills are paid, his spendings are funded, his meals are cooked for him, his clothes are washed for him, he sexual needs are being met, and he gets to enjoy the perks of being the master and decision-maker of his house. Well, your house. Because, as I mentioned earlier, you are the one paying for it, it seems, not him. So, yeah, changes are something you have to initiate. Because you, and not him, is the one suffering.

    You can start by telling your husband you have been patient and supportive of his sleep-ins for four years, but now it's time for him to start contributing to your marriage and household. And that he can do that by getting back in to the job market. Tell him it's his Islamic duty, as a man, to provide for you - not the other way around. And ask him, as someone who has such a clear idea of what "proper womanhood" is, if he doesn't have an equally clear idea of what a "proper man" is...and if he seriously believes he falls under that category...

    While you are at it, teach your husband that Islam actually doesn't demand of you to do any housework at all. If you're happy to do it, that's great and wonderful, but make sure your husband knows you do these things out of love and care for him, and nothing else. When a person views the nice things you do for them as something they are inherently entitled to, they will always be unappreciative of everything you do and treat you like their servant. Because that's what you essentially are.

    Your husband's attitude needs to change, and you're quite lucky in that you actually have the upper hand in this relationship. The problem with relying on people for housing, food and money is that it makes them dependent. And when someone is dependent, they're screwed once they're cut off. Your husband doesn't realise how easy he has it, so do him a favour and let him learn. Let him experience how hard life can be when you don't work for the things and luxuries that make your life comfortable. Don't let him stay in your house (for a while), don't give him any money and don't do anything for him. Ideally, that's not how you should deal with a spouse, but your husband seem very childish and immature, so you have to deal with him in that manner, as well.

    Also, your husband seems very unrealistic and impulsive. How can he demand of you to quit your job to become a housewife when your salary is the only income your household has? A sensible man would get himself a stable and well-paid job, and then suggest to his wife that she can remain at home.

    As far as children go, please, please, please do not have any children until your husband has proven himself a changed man! If you think things are difficult now, they're going to be 100 times more difficult once you bring a child in to the mix. Not to mention it's completely unfair on an innocent child to offer a man like your husband as its father. Don't do it. Fix the problems you have with your husband, then think about having children.

    • This is exactly what i think. You have some responsibility in this too. Giving someone too much, more than he diserves, always backfires on you. He shouldn't get all this respect for free, he has to earn it. You are investing all you have in this marriage, in him, and he has the audacity to not only take it, but he dares to critisise you on top of all that? Who does that?? And he calls himself a man?
      I'm sorry but i don't see why you love him. That kind of men repulse me. And giving your love and respect for free won't get you love and respect. That's unfortunately not how it works. You are a well-meaning human-being, and a lot of men are ungrateful. Your husband needs a serious kick in the behind, in stead of all the pampering he gets from you. Dont just stand there waiting for him to man up. You have to start creating healthy boundries. You have to start not only expecting things from him, but DEMANDING them.

  4. Do you have a separate bank account? If not, then create one and then he'll see what it's like to have no money and asking wife for money to spend on basic things. He knows you very well. That you love him too much, you are weak to stand your own ground because you are too nice. He is taking advantage of you. This man is not a respectable husband. And if you do have children, do you really think he will look for a job. No, he will say I am at home now, I will take care of the kids.

  5. Does your family know about this? He has failed his Islamic his husband duties far too long.

  6. Sister,

    Your husband has gotten way too comfortable on the sofa. Do you have any male family members that could educate and enlighten your husband about Islam and what his duties are as a married man? Where is your family in all of this?!

    Maybe when your husband learns how to be 100% of a man, he will stop coming up with his excuses as to why he chooses not to find a job and support the both of you. Four years now and your husband still isn't working? I can find no reason why a grown man in all that time could not find a job unless of course, he doesn't want one.

    May Allah guide you and give you the strength to work through your current situation.


  7. Salam sis

    Your husband wants you to totally leave your job first and stay home and only then he will look for a job. And this is just an excuse. The real problem is (I think) he is literally sooo tired of staying home. He is possibly feeling inadequate and feels useless and can't bear to see you work and he stays home. He feels trap and angry with himself. He also doesn't like it that your so busy that he doesn't get to spend time with you. He wants you in full and again this is because he is not busy. If he was busier then he wouldn't want you as much, ie spend time as much.

    Solution is you take the CHANCE by leaving your top position job and then see if he is going to look for job or not (give home like 6 months). If he doesn't then you lost your job but at least he can't hold that against you that you didn't stay home as full time housewife. But if he does look for a job and gets a job then hopefully slowly he will be become busy and more useful, and so he may be ok with you working again (that is if you want to go back to job/career as full or part time).

    In life sometimes WE have to take risk/ chances in order to know the outcome of something.

    Best wishes .

    • He doesn't seem "sooo tired of staying home. He is possibly feeling inadequate and feels useless and can't bear to see you work and he stays home. He feels trap and angry with himself. He also doesn't like it that your so busy that he doesn't get to spend time with you" when he happily accepts that his wife's salary pays for his living.

      This man sounds nothing like you explained - he just sounds lazy, selfish, irresponsible, immature, unrealistic and verbally abusive. If this man really feels the way you describe, he would be motivated to get a job regardless of his wife professional status. Why does a man's motivation to work depend on whether or not his wife has a job or not? That's ridiculous and doesn't make sense at all.

      • These things do matter to some men. I know of many girls where their fiance or husband wants their fiance/wife to stay home. It hurts some men's ego when they cannot afford financially for their wife.

        And this husband sort of given up. And he is probably not motivated because even if does get a job it won't be as good as his wife (high position higher salary ) ...

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