Islamic marriage advice and family advice

A man forced sex on me but my husband won’t forgive me

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Rape is a crime. It is never the fault of the victim.

Salaam Everyone

I have done something terrible to my husband and i dont know if he will ever forgive me.
I had sex with another man and i had to confess to my husband about it.

My husband has been away fro more than a year, havent had sex for more than a year, I am my husbands second wife so he has been with the first wife in another country for the past one year bcause that is where he works. he keeps promising me to be patient that he is doing everything to settle all so we can all be together in one country, but i have been so depressed in the last few monts so i decided to go out with a non-Muslim friend of mine.

After our visit, she asked her husband's friend to drop me off at my house...... On our way to my house he said he would have to drop the keys for his younger brother at home. When we got there, there was noone in........He then strted pushing and forced his way on me........I called my husband immediately after the act because i felt so dirty and cant live with the guilt..........

He didnt take it very well at all and he has already told me he would divorce but i am still hoping and praying that he will change his mind about it .

-Bushrat

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18 Responses »

  1. As-salamu alaykum sister.

    First things first. You have no blame or shame for what happened. You were raped. A bad man committed an act of violence against you. There is no sin on you. What happened to you was traumatic and awful, and I recommend that you see a rape counselor who can help you recover emotionally.

    Secondly, you should report the attack to the police. Rape is a crime. That man should not get to do what he did with impunity. If he is not stopped, he will rape other women as well.

    Thirdly, it is not you who should be apologizing to your husband, but your husband who should apologize to you for his abominable reaction. Instead of supporting you in a difficult time, he is blaming you. What on earth does he have to forgive you for? If he is such a hard hearted fool that he blames you for being raped, then you are better off without him.

    Speaking of which, what does your husband give you exactly? Does he support you financially? If not, then what use is he? A husband who is physically absent and does not support his wife financially or emotionally is worthless.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Hi

    Well..I think its your husband's fault for staying away from you more than a year, its really difficult and risky, but you should also be careful not to go out with any stranger. If your husband forgives you if Allah wills u must find a solution for both of you to live in the same country it will be more safe for you, otherwise this terrible situations might continue to happen. Let him try to communicate with you in any way he can, until he is back to you, being away from your husband like that for more than a year will cause you misery, emptiness, depression do anything or something bad happen to you.

    I was engaged to a man who travels to work six months in another country he never had a time for us to understand or know each other or anything keep saying he's busy always I felt so tired and called off our engagement. If your husband can't find a solution and keeps promising you with no results than you must find a better way for you otherwise you'll live your life like as if you'r not a married or divorced woman.

    May Allah protect you and make it easy for you.

  3. OP: If you were forced to have sex why did not you report that to police. What countries you all live in?

  4. My Husband blames me for going out with a non muslim friend and he doesnt believe that i was forced.....He thinks I have been sex starved for so long and that i wanted it as well.......

    I didnt report to the police, I was too ashamed to do so.

    • Why did you agree to travel with an unknown person n why did you get down from the car with him??

      • She made mistakes of judgment. That doesn't mean that she deserved to be raped, or that her marriage should be ruined.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • By not reporting it to Police, you have strengthened your husbands doubts that it was consensual sex and not forced. If its possible you may file a report now.

      • Actually it is rather common that women dont report rape or sexual assault. To equate that to strengthening her husbands suspicious nature is absurd. He is suspicious by nature. No cure for that.

        Read up on rape or contact your local rape crisis centre and they will be happy to educate you on the basics of rape. For instance rape is not sex. It's an assault. Its violence. Because a rape victim is silent or doesnt fight back, does not mean she consented. Inform yourself the biochemistry if they body and how it can react differently while under attack and when fear sets in. Just like when men who are raped and experience an erection during the rape, does not mean they are enjoying it. Many children who are abused also dont come forward. Even as adults they dont.

        This is 2016. There is no excuse for blaming victims. Empathy is a virtue.

        Read what Wael wrote above. Her husband clearly not husband material.

    • Sister i dint know your background, What i know here is very short and insufficient part of the story. And i can understand why you did not report to police... I knw how it is to be in that situation...

  5. Asslam wa alaikum,

    I will be bit harsh in answering this post. I have gone through alike situation. I Caught my wife Red-handed having sex with her lover in a local hotel. I was suspicious, but never questioned her loyalty. Then I just divorced her and she is living happily with her new husband and i am single having intense trust phobia.

    So, basically, GO, Face situation, no matter how much you try your husband will not change. Its the trust that matters. And in these type of cases usually it wont be anymore as it was before. you said you were forced. I feel very sorry for that.

    Your guilt is your power. If you use it.
    One thng sister. Do not depend on anyone. Now its time to move on. And trust me Allah will bring far more blessing if you are true and sincere.

    • Raza, I'm sorry about what happened to you, but your situation is nothing like this case. This sister did not cheat on her husband. She had no intention to commit a sin. It is a crime that was done to her against her will.

      It's natural for you to be angry and bitter, but you cannot apply those emotions to everyone else's situations.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Its very simple, When her husband is literally made up his mind that she has deliberately involved. Then its no point of further discussion. we all know what happens in this case. Its better to move on and stand on your own-self. and Face life without depending on anybody.

        I suggest, be brave and move on. If you find difficulty, ask for support form your closed onse. if not i ll support in every possible way i can.

        Firstly her husband is not fulfilling his basic duties,

        Secondly, this is very probable out come of the situation of a women being alone. In today's times...

        Thirdly, when she herself told her husband about the tragedy, he should have visited her and known her situation.

        He has taken the decision sitting miles away, even he has not bothered to knw the pain she is going through...
        What would this relation leads to??
        Is this what we get married for?
        Is this the way to handle and marraige?

        Why she should compromise her self respect only of temporary emotions(one sided) and this society.?????

        What ever happened is happened we cant change anything, the respected lady should Think of regaining the lost self respect and leave off the people who even are not bothered for knowing her situation.....

  6. Sister you really need to learn more about the "deen" we follow Islam (deen = way of life)

    because your story does not add up. if you follow the teachings of Islam.
    im assuming he dropped you off in a car, as their would be no reason why he would walk you home.

    1. why did you put yourself in that position with random person who's male "her husbands friend" drop you off
    that makes you alone with a non mahram in a car (as you should know third person is the devil)

    2. He says he has to drop off his keys at home for younger brother. why did you have to get out of car and help him drop off the keys. put your self again in stupid situation.

    3. i don't know your real feeling and situation "country", but you have to report the crime as if you don't then it just gives the guy other opportunities. get the support of your family. online we cant do nothing but type few words of support.

    really sorry about what has happened. i wish you all the best in all circumstances,
    May Allaah Guide you and give you peace mentally physically and spiritually. Ameen

    • Habib, this is not a helpful answer. The sister obviously made some errors of judgment. But that does not mean that it was her fault that she was raped. And it does not help her in deciding what to do now.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I agree with Wael.

        Let us not judge or doubt the sister. Rape and sexual assault can happen anywhere and at anytime. It's about a predator preying on the weak. I urge brothers and sisters to educate themselves om rape and how it effects. Stop the victim blaming. It's never the victims fault. The rapist could have raped her in the car, in an, an elevator, her home. Most rapists are somebody you already know. Many are relatives. Even fathers. Rape happens to women in burkas and without. It's violence. Nobody chooses this. Nobody.

        Doubting is not part of islam. It's like being raped again when people who weren't there, doubt you and your story. She needs your support not your doubt.

  7. OP: .He then started pushing and forced his way on me........I called my husband immediately after the act because i felt so dirty and cant live with the guilt..........He didn't take it very well at all and he has already told me he would divorce but i am still hoping and praying that he will change his mind about it .

    Has he tried to get in touch you with you again? Be careful in future don't be alone with a non-Mehram man. The restriction of being alone with a non-Mehram man is just to prevent rape/sex.

  8. Momina: Most rapists are somebody you already know. Many are relatives. Even fathers. Rape happens to women in burkas and without. It's violence.

    What can a girl do to prevent herself from getting raped by people she know/relatives/father/brothers? Should she report such rape?

    • SVS: not sure how its relevant in this case. Its already happened.. How would you prevent it, you think?

      I think all rapes must be reported if that's an option. It depends on the individual. Most rape victims do not report rape, however. Muslim or not.

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