Islamic marriage advice and family advice

A new marriage in trouble- man looking at women

Shouldn't my husband control his gaze?

Assalam Alaikum.

I feel for all you women going through this.

I live in a country that is very liberal. It is so difficult here to find a man that does not look at other women. I married my husband thinking he is different but he showed me that he is not. My husband speaks badly of people that is not Shi’a but he does same things. He looks at other women and when I catch him he lies to me and denies it. I know what I see. I gave up a lot for my husband to be a traditional Muslim wife he wanted but I do not respect him now after this and I pray to Allah that I am given strength to overcome this and to be around him until I move out. The last time he looked at another woman was when I was admitted in the hospital and I had been there two days. Two days of IV’s, blood tests, no sleep, swollen from all the fluids they pumped in my veins, no shower and when I was being discharged I saw him staring at my nurse. He denied it. He still denies it but I know what I saw. We were married in December 2016. I can't believe I am going through this and my husband swears he is attracted to me and loves me so much but he does this.

So I’m waiting for him to give me my money for marriage and then I will move out.

I loved him so much. I am so angry and hurt. So very hurt. This is not the first time. I have had a Muslim woman call my husbands phone telling me that she has had sex with him and she threatened to come over to our house to confront him. He says she’s mad at him because he won’t let her use his address. I found out before me he was talking to 100 women online. He told me he would go to their houses and many showed him their bedroom. He claims he did not know it was haram to go with these women but he is from Iraq. He is Shi’a from and grew up in Iraq. I believe he did know and does know. There were other women he was friends with and he said he just groomed their eyebrows but I don’t believe him. I believed a man who I thought was a good Muslim and honest turned out to be like all the others I have seen. Liars, cheaters, etc. Doesn’t matter if a person is Muslim, Christian, Jewish, Buddhist etc. If they want to do bad they will.

May Allah guide you all who are going through this and may Allah help those to change who are doing haram things.

SanaaA

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9 Responses »

  1. Assalamu Alaikum Sister,

    The good thing is that you know the problem with him and how he is. You also made the right decision to leave him because he'll never change. Many men notice attractive women, but usually they don't gaze at them in such a way that is disrespectful to their wives and the attractive women they notice. However, you have other information that indicates your husband has serious fidelity issues. Honestly, it's not uncommon that women come across and get involved with such men because these types of men are usually very good liars and deceivers. You correctly pointed out that you have come across liars and cheaters from different religions. That makes perfect sense because one's religion doesn't make them honest and/or faithful, it's one's character that matters. Finding someone of good character is very difficult, irrespective of relgion, gender, and/or ethnicity. It's about humans and the inner qualities and nothing else. You made the right decision to leave, and you've spared yourself much future pain and suffering. I hope it all works out well for you.

    • Walaykum asalam sister,
      I'm sorry to hear you are going through such difficulty. My desire is to tell you to leave this man. I mean what a scum (forgive me for my impudence). I fully understand your pain I mean FULLY. I hate cheaters but...

      Here's why I'm going to tell you not to leave him. Basically I'm a young man myself (not even 20) in a very liberal country also in which the women wear practically nothing even during the winter. I swear it is extremely difficult to look away especially not being married. Also with the availability of pornography, unfortunately I fell victim to it and became heavily addicted. Wallah I'd never mention this. But I'll tell you why I have. Because I quit. Alhamdulillah its been quite a long time. But I met this girl and she changed my life wallah. We are not in a haram relationship of any sort, we are only good friends. Anyway she found out about my addiction and requested me to quit. So I went some time until I unfortunately relapsed. it wasn't full nudity or anything like that. But it still deeply upset her when she found out. And that broke my heart. So I've not touched any porn since and I've sworn to myself never again. I respect her that much, that her words alone are enough for me to lower my gaze. But do you know the real reason why I stopped? It's because she forgave me and kept trying to help. She didn't just give up on me and wallah it made me so much stronger and better knowing that she's gonna help me.

      The reason I told this story is I believe you should at least give it a chance to try and fix your husband.

      Subhanallah you are blessed to be bound legally by marriage. I know it may sound like a lot but try to forgive him just this once... Please. I mean who knows you might be able to make him better. Maybe even perfect him. I understand the following may be difficult but I do kindly request you attempt it. To make a man happy he needs the 3 RRR's, respect, reassurance and relief. But I think the main problem.... Please don't take offence to this but it must be the sex. Hence why he's playing Casanova to fulfil his desires. I do reckon if you please him enough (sexually)his desires to look at other women would decrease especially when he knows he has you. I mean just try to make him ejaculate like at least once a day maybe even twice(it doesn't matter how as long as he finishes his drive will decrease) should do the job. Try to dress up for him, maybe some nice lingerie, or a pretty dress or make up anything, maybe try to flirt with him. Spoil him and shower him with your affection, maybe try talking dirty to him. Yeah it does sound like torture...i know but if it inshallah if it works think about how much reward you will get for doing such a good deeds. I think if you try this for like 3-4 weeks, actually not even that long maybe like 2 weeks should do. He should notice how much you care and how much you love him. And inshallah he will change his ways and give all his attention to you. I believe you can make him yours. All yours.

      Nevertheless if he doesn't bother changing and you at least tried. Then flat out he doesn't deserve you and need a better husband. But before giving up on him give him a chance a try to change him. Inshallah he will change and may Allah make things easy for you. Please do try though, look at me all I needed was that chance. And Alhamdulillah my whole life has changed. So please please please try, one last time. Inshallah all will go well.

      Stay strong sister!
      I'll remember you in my duas.
      Salam

      • Yes, correct. Be HIS object of desire. Be everything that he wants. Obviously, it seems that he was a player before you married and still is. Why is that? Are you not doing your best to fully satisfy your husband, to give him total respect and unconditional love? I mean, don't be his doormat, but don't deny him your body, because as a husband does he not have a right to it, you have to his? Truly, research "how to be respectful to your husband". A lot of those site are Christian sites but the message is the same - respect, honour, and love.

        I used to be a player, trying to get a "high score", until I got married. and she did her best to be the object of my desire, to satisfied me and keep my focus on her. And it worked of course, but occasionally I do enjoy the odd perve when I'm on my own. But that's all it is - just sublte looking at other women, but I never remember them, and NEVER in front of my wife. And sometimes look at porn (for masturbation purposes), but almost always end up thinking of my wife because she is the true object of my desire.

        There are 3 ways a man look at other woman: A quick sneaky glance to check them out, a full on open mouth tunnel-vision ogle stare, and one where he engages you in conversation to cover up his looking (eg. omg look at what she's wearing, would you look good in that?).

        So what you must do it give you husband the chance to change. Give it a few months. Work hard to be his object of desire, the only woman he thinks about. You are his wife that it's your duty to satisfy him, so everytime he wants it, say yes (even if you're not in the mood - let him get you in the mood), and never argue or talk back (learn to "hold your tongue"). If he stops talking to other women, great.

        You must give his this ultimatum. He must stop talking and seeing other women. Is it alright for you to see other men? He wouldn't like that so it's not ok for him to see other women. So be the sexiest thing and available "on tap" for him. Find new ways to impress and surprise him. Now that being said, it may not change him, he may still continue to try for the "highest score". In which case you should divorce him. Put in a few months of hard work to see if you need to save yourself years of pain..

        By the way. I'm interested to know how you came by all this information on him. You must have known about his past before you married...?

  2. first of all if yo are muslim and he is shia than this s not allowed for muslim women to marry a non muslim second this mutta etc all is not haram in shia they do sex etc no problem for them may allah guide us all

    • It's YOUR opinion that Shias aren't Muslim - this person clearly disagrees seeing she's married one. You have to advice her from her position, not your own.

      And no one has mentioned anything about mut'a, so why are you?

  3. I think the man being Shia or not is irrelevant to this story. Him being Shia has nothing to do with him having a wondering eye or being a cheater. As for "human" you should really be chucked off this website for your obscene offensive discriminating opinions!!

  4. Plz tell me about issue of nikha

  5. Mari ak dost na apni gf ka Sth phone pa nikha keya apni 2nd Cuzan that is female and a another Cuzan that is male taking on a conversation call and himself accepting husband and wife in presence of one female and male presence. Key un is nikha ho gaya? But remember both party parents is unaware

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