Islamic marriage advice and family advice

A Question about Spouse Selection


Assalamu 'alaikum everyone. I'm a Muslim boy of seventeen years old. Before asking my question, I want to say a few things about myself.

When I became around fourteen years old, I started a habit of masturbating on a regular basis. I know that masturbation is something we should try to stay away from. Fortunately, I've successfully got rid of this habit. I've learned to control my carnal desires and it's mainly due to fasting in the month of Ramadan. Recently, I've been very practicing in my faith. I offer my five daily prayers regularly, Alhamdulillah.

Although I have kept my desires under control, I often have a hard time lowering my gaze in public. I'm really attracted to beautiful women. Now, back to my question. Since I'm only seventeen years old, I'm in no position to be married right now. I haven't graduated from high school yet. But when I do decide to get married in future, how should I choose a wife?

I mainly want two qualities in my future wife: beauty and piety. Firstly, the reason why I want a beautiful wife is because I want to release my sexual urges with her, so that I won't hopefully commit Haram actions like adultery. As I've said, I'm attracted to beautiful women and perhaps a beautiful wife will help me to lower my gaze in public. What do you all think?

Secondly, I want a pious wife because she can help me to practice my religion firmly. There is a famous Hadith in Sahih Bukhari in which the prophet Muhammad (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) said that a woman is usually married for beauty, wealth, family status and piety, and that the best is piety. Insha'Allah, a pious wife can help me get closer to Allah. A pious wife also means it will be easier to raise my children according to Islamic teachings.

Please give me some advice regarding this issue. When looking for a wife, how should I balance between piety and beauty (piety is more important to me than beauty, but I do prefer some beauty)? What type of woman should I get married to? Is it okay for me to make Du'a to Allah for a wife who is not only pious but also beautiful? Thank you in advance.


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6 Responses »

  1. Wa 'alaikom alsalam!

    Brother, I think you should try to lower your gaze now and not wait with that until you get married. You're to be held accountable for every lustful glance and you don't know for sure that will live long enough to get married. And you might want to keep in mind that wandering eyes tend to be a common starting point for marriage troubles. Another thing you should do is ask yourself why a PIOUS Muslim sister would want to marry a man who sins with his eyes and isn't strong enough to lower his gaze?

    As for the question of choosing I recommend you go for pious. If she's a good person and your heart has much love for Allah you will love her for her piety and you'll see her beauty as such.

    I understand it's very easy to slip and stare these days but please stay strong!!

  2. Everyone wants to be attracted to their spouse, and I think physical attraction is indeed a very important factor in any marriage. And I see absolutely no problem in anyone wanting an attractive spouse - men as women.

    However, it's also important to not condition one's fidelity and sexual loyalty on the requirement that one has a beautiful spuse. I'm concerned that you are saying you THINk having a beautiful wife MIGHT be the only way to help you lower your gaze and stop you from committing haram. Don't forget beauty might not be everlasting. We all know that people rarely look how they looked as 20 year olds when they are 50. Then what, you'll have sexual dilemmas again? Problems remaining faithful to your wife?

    Also, I have often witnessed that people who are very demanding about the beauty of a potential spouse are in fact not attractive themselves. I obviously don't know what you look like, but please remember that just as you want a beautiful wife, a woman will also want a handsome, beautiful husband.

    • Yes this is so true. I find a lot of men doing this. They are not attractive themselves and they desire miss universe! As the phrase goes "langoor ki saat angoor" Everyone desires a beautiful person phisically and emotionally, but we have to be realistic in terms of what we can get and what is good for us.

  3. AsSalaamu Alaikum brother,

    In addition to what has been said above, you should know that seeing different colours of beauty never ends, so long as you live, but the beauty of individuals can ONLY reduce as time passes by, and has no other option to increase. However, piety has the option to increase as time passes by with practice, till Akhirah.

    When you focus much on the beauty, then you can never be satisfied with only one however. As your eyes won't rest from recognising new beauties. So this should tell you that the beauties are there only to test your iman. A beautiful woman can never help you lower your gaze, no matter how prettiest she is. The ONLY thing that can help you is your self-striking--which is to fight with your own nafs to pass the test.

    However, perhaps there should be no harm if your focus on the beauty is like 10%, 20% or 25%, and your focus on the piety and good character 90%, 80% or 75%, inshaAllah. Only little will focus 100% on the piety and good character, but that is the best.

  4. Salam brother,

    I think your thoughts are similar to most people. Everyone wants a Beautiful spouse inside and out. That's an ultimate desire. But we don't get what we want on Earth. For starters not everyone is blessed with beauty. But Insha Allah if we reach heaven then everyone will be beautiful inside and out! On earth you have to think realistically. Just like we all dream about a big house or nice car, but we only buy what we can afford.

    I think the important thing to look for in a marriage is compatibility. It makes sense for a good looking person to look for a good looking spouse. They will be compatible in looks. Even in character and deen someone needs to be compatible with you, I.e if you are not very strong in deen and are looking for a very religious muslima, that won't be fair on the girl as she is looking for a more religious guy to marry. So its important to have compatibilty in these areas so as to rectify any arising in the future.

    You need to get to know them islamically to see whether your character and personality match. Whether you have a lot in common? As your spouse is the person you will be spending the most time with. So you want the sort of person who can be your best friend! You can talk to them for hours without getting bored! You can share everything with, have a laugh with and help each other out in the hard times. Last but not least assist and encourage one another in becoming more closer to Allah. These are the things that will remain in a marriage, and should also help you lower your gaze as you will be busy with family commitments.

    As others have said physical beauty does not last forever! it is only the fulfilment of the eyes once your married and a few months have passed you won't be so excited by her beauty anymore. It will be old news! Marrying a beautiful man or women does not stop someone from continuing their habit if starring at others. You must start lowering your gaze now! Staring is the zina of the eyes.

  5. Salam brother,
    Alhamdulillah that you got rid of your bad habit. I would advice you to get married now and consumate the marriage when you are well established though this is against the norms of the society.
    Yes it is possible to find a beautiful and pious wife.
    Ask allah for whatever you want .

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