Islamic marriage advice and family advice

A sexual mistake before marriage?

Ashamed woman, sad woman, depressed woman

Hi I have one question to the people who can really understand my problem.

I got married and lived with my husband about 10 days but unfortunately i came to know after marriage that he is already married abroad - I took khula.

I was so hopless about being married again at that time and meanwhile another man came into my life and he showed me he really loves me and I got into his magical love may be the reason I was so desperate and felt hopeless. He trapped me anyway or I fell into him. We had physical relationship and he promised me to marry me but a year passed and he did not marry and just made excuses and excuses. I fought alot with him why he is not marrying me excused alot many times finally i felt used by him and decided to move on hopeless. Now a one year has passed I did not meet him. My family dont know about this relationship.

Now my family has searched a proposal for me and he is a divorced man and his marriage stayed for two years. I am afraid that he may think me as a married woman of only 10 days and will think me as virgin as if my body is not in any long term physical relation and if he came to know after marriage that I had sex of one year my life can destroy again.

I am really afraid of God now and my future life. I have prayed to Allah a lot and asked forgiveness from him about the bad I did in the past. I know that I made a big mistake and now very shameful in front of Allah. Can anybody tell me is my future marriage is going to be destroyed again ?


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11 Responses »

  1. Don't tell anyone about anything. You're sin is between you and Allah swt.

    You were married for 10 days that's enough time for a sexual relationship and then u did Khula.

    Don't say anything and just forget about the past. It's happened and u can't change it, you can only change yourself and move forward.

    • I agreee! You do not need to tell anyone. and I mean anyone! Not even your bestest friend. it is a sin, never bring out that sin ever!

  2. This is one more example which demonstrates marriage foundation stands on lies as now you are supposed to act as chaste woman ..its difficult to trust nowadays..

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    • You're not supposed to reveal your sins from the past. Allah has concealed it for a reason.

      Everyone should be chaste when they marry. That is the ideal. But people make mistakes, and as long as they don't repeat it then the don't deserved to be judged. Especially by their spouse.

      And there is such a huge double standard that men can play before marriage and then repent and marry and everything should be ok. But when it's the reverse then it's almost impossible for the woman to marry. It could even be dangerous.

      • Salam,

        If people lie about whether they committed zina before marriage, or conceal this fact and act as if it never happened then they are building a relationship on lies. Not only does this ruin the marriage later after the girl is invested and possibly has children, but it also ruins the credibility of the people that perpetuate this.

        Also, there is no backing from the Quran or the Sunnah that it is acceptable to lie to a prospective suitor that one committed zina. Nanachant, please be careful when saying stuff like this without any backing:

        http://legacy.quran.com/16/116:
        Yusuf Ali
        But say not - for any false thing that your tongues may put forth,- "This is lawful, and this is forbidden," so as to ascribe false things to Allah. For those who ascribe false things to Allah, will never prosper.

        If you have proof that Allah is covering the sin of those who committed zina please bring it forth. If you do not, then please do not claim this for other people and have them follow you.

  3. Thank you very much for kind words. i will not repeat that obvious from my posts IA. I am also afraid that I have told that to one of my friends......... i cannot judge that whether she is going to destroy my life in future or not?

    • Salam huma,

      No one can tell you whether you life will be destroyed or not. If it is, it will be from Allah and from what you did. Why not tell the truth to him? So you are coming into this relationship clean and with truth. If he doesn't want you because of what happened in the past then let him go and look for another. Will you lie to him and cover up something that would have changed his mind? Would you find him acceptable if he beat his previous wife to death but followed the advice of covering up his sin and married you? Or if he has a venereal disease and chooses to hide it from you, only for you to get after marriage?

      Please be honest with him, if everyone starts lying about whether they have committed zina then people will lose trust and will simply stop marrying those people. You are better off trusting Allah and being honest with everyone as to what happened then lying and going into this and hoping he doesn't find out. Also beyond this it is better for your afterlife to be honest now then to compound the sin of zina with a lie that would make or break the marriage. This man is only for this life, but your lie will be taken into account in the afterlife, and hell is permanent, there is no escaping it ever. So please don't risk hell over this man. Inshallah you'll get a good suitor.

  4. OP:Thank you very much for kind words. i will not repeat that obvious from my posts IA. I am also afraid that I have told that to one of my friends......... i cannot judge that whether she is going to destroy my life in future or not?

    I don't think if it is easy for a guy to tell if you had sex for 10 days or 500 days after you stopped having sex for a year. There are various factors like body structure/body parts (small, medium, large) that influence the outcome. Your husband may be concerned about his own body and satisfying you.

    if you are still worried you can learn to exercise pelvic muscles (Kegel exercises).

    Don't tell any thing to your husband. He may use this information to openly meet other women. Most women will not ask men about their previous sexual experiences and most men will never tell. According to what I have read in some comments on this website, some men continue to cheat openly after marriage also.

  5. Assalaamualaikam

    You're under no obligation to disclose every detail of your private life to this man - however, you also shouldn't openly lie about things. If he were to ask, you could say that you were a married woman and the details of your past beyond that are between you and Allah.

    He's likely to be realistic about the prospect that you may have had sexual contact with another man before him - after all, you were married. If he states that he only wants to marry a virgin, then it might be better to tactfully decline the proposal; that way you can both go on and look for spouses which meet your criteria.

    It will be important for the two of you to ensure you're both free from any sexually transmitted infections prior to marriage, so ensure that you both get a sexual health check-up from a doctor.

    Make sure that you are observing appropriate Islamic limits in your interactions with males, and that you have repented for your past mistakes.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  6. Salam!

    Your husband did wrong in hiding from you that he was already married. Had he told you then things wouldn't have been so complicated. You did the right act in taking the Khula since it is the right given to you by Allah Ta'ala. As per the problem of getting involved physically with another man, that was not at all right. You made a big mistake dear by trusting him. He knew your weakness that you were naive and had gotten divorced so he used those weaknesses to exploit you. He used you to fulfill his natural urges and after getting done, he abandoned you. My dear, in this era, 75% of guys are like this. They are not faithful but only want sex. Once they get done they leave you hanging. But thank Allah Ta'ala that he saved you from the wrong man. Now coming to your last issue, your husband won't doubt you. The best way is to conceal the truth as long as you can. I am sure he won't notice much but if he asks then tell him. Dear only 10 days of marriage sex can't alter much. Just stay confident during coupling and give him satisfaction. Once he is ariused he won't notice much. Just pray to Allah Ta'ala . I hope your issues get solved. Ameen.

    Amna96
    IslamicAnswers.com editor.

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