Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Abandoned by my love but she still calls me

Assalaam alaikum I am from pakistan.

The problem is that there was a girl in my relation whom I use to like very much but couldn't tell hher because she was 2 years older than me.

Slowly slowly we became friends on facebook and started chatting . After chatting with eachother for 2 months she proposed me.

It was likw the best day of my life.

Then exchanged numbers and started talking all day and night. We both started loving each other alot.

It all started in june 2010. We rarely use to meet because she was from different city and was able to meet once or twice a year.

We have kissed each other a lot of times but never had anythingmore than that.

 

In 2014 i started feeling that she has started talkinhg to another guy in the same city who is also our common cousin. I use to feel because of the comments amd all on fb.

 

When I use to ask her. She use to swear on Allah that there is nothing like that.

Since march 2014 she was two timing with both of us.

In 2015 july she started sayimg that my parents are watching for my marriage And  your parents wont aggree for my because i am two yrs older than you and i was also jobless than time as I was 23  . After talking about all this at my home my parents said she is not the right girl fpr you but i will not say no.  Just pray isthikhara and ask Allah if she is right or not.  I prayed isthikhara for like one month but there was no option coming in my mind as i use to think that my parents are not happy woth this girl and that was very great of thwm to say that if you want to marry than just pray isthikhara.

In isthikhara there was npthing good coming out.

Suddenly one day in october 2015 she called me and said that you have done very late and she is going to get engaged to the other cousin.

I was shattered that time because my feelimg of what i use to think about her and that guy being in a relationship and ditching me was right.

It was the feeling that nothing has left in my life and i was in a very bad situation.

But there was a feeling that i prayed isthikara so i will come out from this and will live a happy life in sha Allah.  I thought that she has been engaged now so she will live happily woth her fiance and i will forget her with time.  But what was unexpected that she after 6 or 7 months started callimg me again and askimg to meet me alone.

 

Its august 2017 and till yet i have talked to her like for 10 to 11 times.

Her marriage with him is in December 2017 .

 

I knpw that she is serious for him and just playing with my feelings for time to time.  But whenever she calls me in a month . She disturb my whole life again.  And says if i can marry her she will leave that guy.

I cant stop talking to her whenever she calls Because i loved her for 8 years and she was the first loveof my life.

 

I just want to know any dua any wasifa to forget her and be happy in my life.

faisalpk


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11 Responses »

  1. Brother,

    I am so sorry to hear your story and about your pain. Based on what you explained, the woman is playing games with your mind. I don't know why so many women do that sort of thing, but it is something some of them do.

    I cannot offer or recommend any dua for you, but the best thing you can do to begin getting over her is first do not be in contact with her. Her new guy is part of your family, so it'll be more difficult to avoid her completely, so keep your contact with her as minimal as possible. Second, begin to look for someone else.

    You are very young, and heartbreak is unfortunately part of life for some reason for which I cannot offer an explanation. However, while you are no longer in contact with her, begin to look for other women that interest you. Lost love is hard to get over, but time and space, and ultimately the interest of another person, are what help the most. Make sure not rush into any relationship quickly as a rebound because such relationships tend not to be well grounded and usually end up in failure.

    She will be in your mind and heart for much more time, but stay strong and stay away from her. I hope things getter for you soon.

    • Assalaamalaikum Lamar.

      Thanks for the wonderful Answer.

      Will I be able to forget her and be happy in my life?
      Its 8 years Lamar. A very lomg time. I am 25 yrs old now. I try to wake up for tahajjud but only wake up like 2 -3 times in a week.

      Will tahajjud help me?
      Her marriage with our commen cousin is in January. The thaught of her getting married to him is making my each minutw of the day very heavy for me. In the morning i think that i will slewp early so that i can wake up fpr tahajjud but as night comes i feel very sad about my life like how she played with me for 5 whole years. And all these thinking dont let me sleep and then as tahajjuf time is near i sleep.

      Please reply me. Will i be happy again in my life and frgt her?
      How can she show so much love to me and love the other person as well. How csn these type of ppl stay happy.
      I only had one relationship that i thought is for lifetime but that ditched me Lamar.

      Believe me now i dont like to be alive.
      Is there any surah any dua that can help me to be happy and frgt her..
      I think very soon ill be a heart patient.
      And the worse thing is that they both r my relative so they will be there at the parties and everything.

      PLEASE HELP ME.

      • Brother Faisal,

        What are you experiencing is what most of us feel when there is betrayal, heartbreak, and disappointment on the part of someone we love(d) and trusted. In the beginning, it will be very difficult, but as time goes, you will feel better. Time apart helps you to recover from what has happened to you. Of course, knowing that the woman you love is going to be with someone else is not going to easy, so you must at all costs stay away from her. Do not go to her wedding, and do not go to family events where she will attend. You need time to go through that painful process, one which is similar to what we through when a loved one dies. You've experienced a great loss because you invested years of your life, in addition to your love and trust, things that we give to the most special people in our lives. Unfortunately, not everyone realizes or appreciates the value of what we offer them, but not every person is the same.

        You are young and seem to be honest and righteous, characteristics that are going to ensure that you will get through this ordeal and move onto a life of happiness and peace. This experience will not only make you stronger, it will make you wiser, and the wisdom you've acquired will help you to better discern good from bad and righteousness from evil. We learn from our experiences-including the bad and unpleasant ones. They help to mature into wise and more responsible, and even compassionate, adults. The woman you loved lost a good man, and perhaps one day she'll regret having lost you through the way she treated you.

        Answering your questions, first, yes, you will be happy some day. I truly believe that, so my words on that are not just empty words of encouragement. When we love someone, our awareness of other people in the world narrows, but once we recover from the loss of that person, our awareness of others widens, and then we begin to see that there are or will be other options. Time and patience during that time is what leads to the opportunity to meet someone else with whom we will be happy. So, please, while you grieve your loss, keep in my mind that this will pass and you will meet someone else not only for whom you will love but who will also love and, very importantly, respect you and not hurt you.

        Second, you asked how can such people be happy. Honestly, I don't know how someone can be happy and/or enjoy purposely breaking someone's heart, but it happens a lot. The world is filled with different types of people and unfortunately one of te types are people who do what happened to you. I suppose if you were to analyze their minds, you'd discover all sorts of problems and/or issues, but doing this is neither your job nor responsibility. Perhaps at some point in their lives, after they've experienced the repercussions of their actions, they may take notice of their issues and seek to resolve those issues. Your responsibility, however, is to stay far away from them unless they've fixed their issues, so your life and purpose in this world are not negatively affected by their selfish actions.

        Third, will ta hajj work? Well, it depends on what you are seeking through doing or making tahajjud

      • Brother Faisal,

        What are you experiencing is what most of us feel when there is betrayal, heartbreak, and disappointment on the part of someone we love(d) and trusted. In the beginning, it will be very difficult, but as time goes, you will feel better. Time apart helps you to recover from what has happened to you. Of course, knowing that the woman you love is going to be with someone else is not going to easy, so you must at all costs stay away from her. Do not go to her wedding, and do not go to family events where she will attend. You need time to go through that painful process, one which is similar to what we through when a loved one dies. You've experienced a great loss because you invested years of your life, in addition to your love and trust, things that we give to the most special people in our lives. Unfortunately, not everyone realizes or appreciates the value of what we offer them, but not every person is the same.

        You are young and seem to be honest and righteous, characteristics that are going to ensure that you will get through this ordeal and move onto a life of happiness and peace. This experience will not only make you stronger, it will make you wiser, and the wisdom you've acquired will help you to better discern good from bad and righteousness from evil. We learn from our experiences-including the bad and unpleasant ones. They help to mature into wise and more responsible, and even compassionate, adults. The woman you loved lost a good man, and perhaps one day she'll regret having lost you through the way she treated you.

        Answering your questions, first, yes, you will be happy some day. I truly believe that, so my words on that are not just empty words of encouragement. When we love someone, our awareness of other people in the world narrows, but once we recover from the loss of that person, our awareness of others widens, and then we begin to see that there are or will be other options. Time and patience during that time is what leads to the opportunity to meet someone else with whom we will be happy. So, please, while you grieve your loss, keep in my mind that this will pass and you will meet someone else not only for whom you will love but who will also love and, very importantly, respect you and not hurt you.

        Second, you asked how can such people be happy. Honestly, I don't know how someone can be happy and/or enjoy purposely breaking someone's heart, but it happens a lot. The world is filled with different types of people and unfortunately one of te types are people who do what happened to you. I suppose if you were to analyze their minds, you'd discover all sorts of problems and/or issues, but doing this is neither your job nor responsibility. Perhaps at some point in their lives, after they've experienced the repercussions of their actions, they may take notice of their issues and seek to resolve those issues. Your responsibility, however, is to stay far away from them unless they've fixed their issues, so your life and purpose in this world are not negatively affected by their selfish actions.

        Third, will tahajjud work? Well, it depends on what you are seeking through doing or making tahajjud. If you are doing tahajjud to get the woman back, I don't think you will be successful. However, if you are doing tahajjud to recover and move on in life, then I believe Allah will grant you the mercy and blessing for turning to him. All prayer and supplication to Allah are good for your general well-being, and you will certainly be blessed. So, pray for your recovery, strength, and to be blessed some day with a special person with whom you can live your life in happiness and righteousness. I prayed for you last night, and I'm sure others here have done the same for your recovery and progression to future happiness.

        Finally, will you forget about her? No, I don't think so. She was very important to you, and you loved her. She made the decision not to be with you, so your love for her is pure, and that's extremely difficult to forget. When your someone that deeply, it affects your soul. She's part of you inside, for both the good and bad about her. However, one day you meet someone, and although you will not have forgotten her, your attention and love will be focused on the new woman in your life. One word of advice, when this go are taking too long, like years, or there are too many excuses, or this go seems stagnant and not going anywhere, those are major red flags of which to take note. Always make that words and actions line up and match, and if there are just words and no action or progress, something is seriously wrong. You'll notice that the person is lying to you, and then you must stop making plans with them.

        • Assalaam alaikum Lamar,

          You dont know how thankful I am to you for taking out this much time to reply me all this. No one do this. And you dont even know me and you took so much time and advised me all that no has done. Really thankyou very much.

          Lamar, after loving that girl one think I realised is that each and everything can be replaced if you have a better option and she did the same.

          Regarding tahajjud. Lamar, last time when we had a talk last month. You know what she said , she said pray to Allah that He can make our path easy and she said everything is possible for Allah so till marriage we have time may be my engagement would brake from him and we can be together.

          I asked you about tahhajud because i want Allah to make my path easy. Whether with her or not. I want a happy life.

          But you know what. The most foolish thing. I am scared that if i pray to Allah may be Allah take that girl out of my life and my Heart dont want that. I am scared to take that girl out of my life.

          Lamar thankyou very much. I know after reading all this you will feel that how stupid a person I am.

          Thankyou very much Lamar.

          • Assalamualaikum Faisal,

            You are welcome. It really was my pleasure to help you. We are all human and suffer from these common issues in life. Love is one of the most powerful and good things that we have been given as a blessing. Obviously, you know the value of that; however, not everyone appreciates it the same way. Not all women, but some women abuse their power and take advantage of a man's genuine love for them. Her choice, though, must be singular to the extent where if she chooses another man it means she can't access to your love and everything else you have to offer. The burden is on that man to provide ALL she needs, and if he isn't providing ALL she needs, she needs to reconsider what she's lost in and from you by choosing to be with him.

            Yes, you are correct that the world does not revolve around one person, so there are always options. We must, however, connect with a particular person so that we can share our lives, confide in, and depend on. If you are good and righteous, you deserve to have the same from someone else. As I said before, I believe that some day you will receive what you both desire and deserve in a woman.

            Regarding the comment the woman you love told you about praying to God and perhaps something will happen to break her engagement, I'd say that is an example of manipulation of your feelings and current vulnerability. I personally believe it's wrong to pass it off to faith and Allah's mercy when the very person making that statement is the one who is making the decision that they're telling to pray to Allah for mercy.

            Obviously, unless she's being forced to marry the other man, she has 100% control over her decisions. It's sadistic to play with one's feelings that way. The bottom line is that she's the one who makes the decision based on how she feels. Nothing is wrong with her choosing another man, but to deceive and string you along and not release you from her clutches so that you can move on to the path of happiness is where she's sinning.

            Losing someone you love is a very scary thing, and it's not foolish at all to feel that way. However, at some point, you'll have to face your fear of losing her so that you can move forward with her life. Nothing is impossible, so maybe some day you might have her in your life in the way you desire, but I advise you not to wait around for that; if it's going to happen, it'll happen when the time is right. You've spent way more than reasonable time waiting for her, so now begin to explore your other options. Do not let her talk you into putting your life on hold.

            I know you don't want to lose her, but her choice is what controls the situation. Let her go ahead with the choice she's made, and do not interfere with her relationship at all. You will never forget her, and you won't stop caring for her, but you'll have to live your life as if she'll never be yours. That's very tough to do, but you must do this for your own good. Despite your farm pray to Allah for strength, peace, and to have your heart healed. You are not a stupid 9 es on for the feelings and fears you've explained, you are simply a man in love, but unfortunately one whose trust was betrayed.

  2. You are her Second opinion . If she's mad at him or things don't work out she calls you correct . She doesn't deserve you a bit . She's not taking you serious because her family won't . or yours cause of the ago thing . They are people like that in the world do your best to stay away from her . Even if it's talking to a family member off hers or her fiancé . Marry better and younger than you that's the husband most women respect.

  3. She's a player. Not a dignified woman. She is still contacting you after being engaged to your cousin. Be glad that your no longer with her. Her character is bad. Do you see her as a good example for a mother to your children. Your cousin will get to know her ugly side sooner or later then it's too late. You did the right thing by making istikhqara. Allah has kept you away from her and protected you. She has played with your feelings all along. InshaAllah, you will meet the right person that respects you and treats you right. Take time to heal, repent for doing physical touching, and become closer to Allah. Only, he can give you strength to move on.

    • Assalaamalaikum Tami

      Thanks for the wonderful Answer.

      Will I be able to forget her and be happy in my life?
      Its 8 years Tami. A very lomg time. I am 25 yrs old now. I try to wake up for tahajjud but only wake up like 2 -3 times in a week.

      Will tahajjud help me?
      Her marriage with our commen cousin is in January. The thaught of her getting married to him is making my each minutw of the day very heavy for me. In the morning i think that i will slewp early so that i can wake up fpr tahajjud but as night comes i feel very sad about my life like how she played with me for 5 whole years. And all these thinking dont let me sleep and then as tahajjuf time is near i sleep.

      Please reply me. Will i be happy again in my life and frgt her?
      How can she show so much love to me and love the other person as well. How csn these type of ppl stay happy.
      I only had one relationship that i thought is for lifetime but that ditched me Tami

      Believe me now i dont like to be alive.
      Is there any surah any dua that can help me to be happy and frgt her..
      I think very soon ill be a heart patient.
      And the worse thing is that they both r my relative so they will be there at the parties and everything.

      PLEASE HELP ME.

      • Brother 8 years is a long time relationship. I know it's not going to be that easy to forget her, plus she is marrying your cousin so, you will never forget her. You know the saying once a cheater is always a cheater. How do you know that she will not play her husband. Her husband will get to know her bad side soon and it's not going to be a happy marriage. Don't kill yourself over her. You think she will care that much. She didn't care about hurting you and you think she will be effect by you being gone, not really. I would advice that you don't attend their wedding. You are young and have a long life ahead of you. Take this experience as a blessing in disguise. You learned the type of person she is, now can you have imagine being with her for the rest of your life. Don't jump into another relationship with a new girl until you are healed. Seek nearness to Allah and always recite istighfar- forgiveness. Also, read Surah al-Inshirah: “With Every Difficulty, There is Relief.”

  4. Change your number and move on with your life. If she doesn't have your number, she can't call / bother you.

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