Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Abandoned twice and heartbroken


Sallam Alaikum,

Greetings to you, I just want to say thank you all for reading this.

I am 35 year old woman who's going through a painful divorce. I was married to a non muslim husband - a dutch man - for a period of seven years. I had abandoned my religion, my job and family for him, only to later have him abandon me for another woman. I am sharing my story so that young women can learn from my past and mistakes.

I wasn't very close to my mother who I was living with, am very close to my father but he works in a different country.  My mother I believe was a narcissist, very selfish and demanding. She always found me to be too 'independent'. I did receive some marriage proposals but I turned them down because I wasn't sure who they wanted to marry - me or my family... Some I believe just wanted to be close to my dad as he is a successful businessman. I wanted to pick my own spouse who knows nothing about me or my family, so when I met the dutch guy he liked me for who I was and we married.

I am not exactly proud of this now as our differences later emerged, we  had met at work  and we married in a civil way. The marriage was hard and difficult one, and we struggled with infertility which put a lot of pressure on us. I did try to make it work as I had married outside my culture and religion but things fell apart and we are divorcing. I went through depression for one year, I live on my own now, and am trying to be strong to so that I can move on and put the pieces together.

I turned to islam for comfort and I did find peace, I started wearing hijab, started praying. My pain brought me closer to Allah.

A few months ago, I met a muslim guy, an indian muslim who has been married and divorced twice. I felt we had a lot in common, and we were in a relationship for four months. I am also not proud of this as I was trying to be a good muslim, and committing zina was haunting me and I did end the relationship a few times but we always got back together again and again....  I became attached to him and I loved him dearly, I thought we would marry. One day out of the blue he contacted me saying that his mother found him a bride, and that he cant see me any more. I felt upset and bitter as I was hoping we would marry and he promised me that . He said she is his caste and that his family will not accept me. He is getting married in four months, he would like to remain just friends which I said no to.

I feel used and completely hurt. I don't know how to move on. I feel like my soul has been torn apart once again, heartbroken twice.


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12 Responses »

  1. Wailekum asalam, well this is the reason why Allah says muslim women cannot marry non muslims because they feel nothing for islam. Muslim women know they cannot marry non muslims ...but yet they continue

    • Some Muslim men lead a Muslim girl on hurt her, break her hurt and sometimes non Muslim
      Men can be better if they only converted in the end. A lot of Muslim men are deceiving I'm
      So sorry to say.

      • It's heart not hurt :). You should not use the word Muslim men, because those men you mention are not following Islam they are following there own desire.

  2. assalamualaikum sister. the relationship with the Muslim man is haram, zina is a great sin. Marring such a person will destroy you, so say alhamdulilah and move on. The first thing you should do is make tawbah soon as possible. Don't Matter what, Allah will never abandon his servants/or slave. May Allah make it easy for you and your love ones. It is haram to break ties with family, I don't know your situation with your family but may Allah make it easy. Ameen

    • Asalaamu alaikum sister
      I'm sorry to read about your situation. I understand you must be feeling very depressed and isolated.

      Firstly I think you need to take some time to be alone and learn about your faith and reconnect to Allah. You need to ask for forgiveness sincerely and seek knowledge maybe you could attend some classes at the mosque or other institution.
      This will give you an opportunity to meet some good sisters inshaAllah who can help you through this difficult time.
      You need time alone and not be looking for any other relationships with men. As this will lead you down the wrong path. Try and reach out to your family for support. Take everyday slowly and set goals for yourself to keep you focussed on deepening your faith and self-confidence.

      We all make mistakes and Allah is the Most Forgiving and Most Merciful. He will not forsake you. You need to pray and beg for His help and guidance.

      Unfortunately sister the Muslim guy you met took advantage of your vulnerable position to get what he wanted from you. So please try and protect yourself in future and be cautious before revealing personal information to others unless you truly can trust them.

      If you need someone to talk to you could look for a counsellor or therapist who will sit and listen to your problems. You can call helplines or charities who can help you. You need to take all steps necessary to avoid going down the same path.

      When you believe you have healed from her heartbreaks and have self confidence and knowledge of your deen and Allah you will be in a better position to look for a husband. Let me rephrase that. To have others help you find a husband as we need help making decisions about these matters.

      Finally i pray Allah guides you and helps you through this difficult time. As He has told us after hardship comes ease. Amen

  3. No one was in vulnerable position as so often we have seen to give false consoling to justify sins .Every one has acted on its own free will and consent in this case .

    Sister ,

    Repent ,Repent ,Repent ..Learn about Islam .Change yourself ..Take lot of time before finding new man for marriage .

    You had abandoned religion when you married a non muslim man .Imagine if you had died under such state what was your state ?? Do take it seriously to repent and start a new beginning as a muslim woman .Keep yourself out of any relation ship so some time ..

  4. OP: I met a muslim guy, an indian muslim who has been married and divorced twice. I felt we had a lot in common, and we were in a relationship for four months. I am also not proud of this as I was trying to be a good muslim, and committing zina was haunting me and I did end the relationship a few times but we always got back together again and again.... I feel used and completely hurt. I don't know how to move on. I feel like my soul has been torn apart once again, heartbroken twice.

    Well you ended the relationships a few times and got back together in few months you were in relationship. That is not a good sign for getting married to some one.

    You both used each other for physical and emotional needs, so don't feel bad.

  5. Salam Sister,

    If the life expectancy is 70, you still have 35 years to go. I am sorry for what had happened to you; however, time is all you need to heal. I can tell from your words that you are really regret what you did. Inshallah, repent to Allah sincerely, He is All merciful and Forgiving, may He has mercy and forgive your sin. Repent means don't turn back to what you did before. Repent. By slowly establish your salat, read your Quran and have some good company, muslim and non muslim will help you heal. Now you know that you should set a very strict limit to men.

    Sister, consider this is a blessing that you did not end up with that so called "muslim". He is a typical hypocrite and a user. I am so disgusted by this kind of "caste" system's excuse, liar and abuser. He is not worth it for you. Move on and start fresh. Do not act desperate and do not rush into relationship. Life is more than having a relationship. Try to focus on your faith and spend time to reflect on yourself. It may also be a good time for you to mend the relationship with your family. We are all sinners in some points of our life, when the time comes and you are ready, Allah may prepare a spouse whom can accept you as who you are.

    Sister, thank you for sharing your story. Put this part of your life into history, don't turn back.

  6. thank you for sharing your story, i hope you are well and in sha allah taking steps to move on and recover. its sad to see so many girls in this position, but this is the mercy of allah and why he has given us rules to follow, not to restrict us but to protect our hearts from this pain and suffering. it mentions in the quran DO not even come near zina, and the result of relationships formed before marriage more often than not end very badly.

    you sound like you have learned a most painfull lesson, but many this was allah way of reminding you to stick within the boundaries of islam, never form a relationship with a non mehram. No matter what he says, if he is serious about marriage, he will do things the right way.

    focus on prayers, repent with every chance you get, and once you begin to heal, look for spouse but involve a family member. try repair the relationship with your mother. allah is always with us, never give up hope. don't rush into marriage and take lessons from these mistakes and in ha allah you will find happiness again.

  7. Sallam Alaikum

    I just want to say Thank you all for your good advise and messages, I have learnt hard from my mistakes and it is making me stronger, I am feeling a lot better now, I spend my time improving my imaan and my faith. I have made a lot of changes in the last few days, alhamdulilah. I cut complete contacts and communication with my zina ex partner, I have made three amazing muslims sisters from the masjid, one is teaching me Quran and Arabic. The sadness will take time to heal, but with time inshallah I will heal . Inshallah I want to prosper in all areas of my life.

    I have no desire to enter any relationship for a long time, want to just focus on me and my faith and improving relationship with my family, I am in touch with three siblings and my father of out seven, my relationship with my mother and one sister is completely severed- they really hurt me with bad words .
    now that am alone, I have no option but to work hard and succeed. Alhamdulilah my father has never neglected me, his supporting me now financially. I am also applying for graduate studies to the UK.

    Please pray for me to succeed.

    Thank you all sooo much for your understanding, Love you all xoxox

    • Glad to hear your turning your situation into a positive and finding that inner peace with prayer and guidance towards Allah swt. Pls keep me in ur duas.

    • I know you've posted back But I just wanted to say I'm happy you're taking the right steps. I want to explain another thing as a muslimah. You need to also build your self respect and self-worth, you are a MUSLIMAH. yes you made mistakes but your past doesn't define you, being a muslimah is worth GOLD. You set boundaries with men, you choose them, they don't choose you. The reason we wear hijab and men have to propose is Allah's way of relating that to us, you don't need to feel bad about your past and then limit your options, be picky. You don't rush into the next man who treats you nicely (which it sounds like you did because he said what you needed to hear). We women very easily trick ourselves into believing this is love and I'm reading situations like this over and over again. The next time you meet someone remember your self worth, if he wants to touch you in anyway he's got to put a ring on it! Never lose Allah for some man, it will never end well and that's what Allah taught you first with a non muslim and secondly even though he was non muslim you still left Allah by comitting zina. Stick to Allah's rules first, these were blessings for you that you got to learn from. Some people go around in circles and circles so take it as a blessing from Allah he's guiding you and helped you through these comments. Don't use anyone else to get over your pain, it's tempting and being alone sucks at times, but it's a great lesson. The next time a man comes with a smile and wants to 'be with you' let him do it properly, that is if he's worth YOU. Youre still a beautiful person, some people dont even try to better themselves so be glad you are. Love yourself first.

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