Islamic marriage advice and family advice

The psychological/emotional abuse is affecting my health

Quran 49:11 "O ye who believe! Let not a folk deride a folk who may be better than they (are), not let women (deride) women who may be better than they are; neither defame one another, nor insult one another by nicknames. Bad is the name of lewdness after faith. And whoso turneth not in repentance, such are evil-doers. "

Hello,
I am going through the exact phases of emotional abuse from my husband as well as my in laws. I have been a dentist and working when I got married, but now for three years, I have not even stepped out of the house. I cannot even go to get my basic things, or to have a small facial, pedicure or manicure done, so that I can look attractive to my husband. When I get dressed up, my husband is very critical, or disapproves. My mother in law constantly criticizes everything I do. She fills my husband with stories, which result in him humiliating me, not talking to me, or insulting me in front of others. She screams for no apparent reason, calls me humiliating names in front of the maids, relatives or any one she comes accross with.

My husband does not work, and I have been handing him out money by borrowing from my parents. He never tells me where he uses it, and when I ask him, he says you are no one to ask what I do with the money or where I go, recently, I have started seeing him more and more on the phone and texting messages, which he later deletes. He calls me stupid, and he and his mother question every little decision that I take for my one year old son. They would start insulting me, saying that my husband should get remarried, and insult me so that I do as they want.

I am a very tolerant person, and I have learnt from my parents that I should treat his parents like my own. But my husband is very rude towards my parents. He does not let me visit them, since I live in another city from my parents. He is cosntantly asking where I spend the money, which he gives me. But it is very very little amount, and I am never able to get any thing for myself. He is not working, and does not seem to be interested in doing either. He simply starts whining after five or six months that he needs money to pay off his credit cards. I get the money for him. He never clears his credit cardds and does not tell me where he used it. He spends very little time at home, and even little time with me. Whenever we are getting along somewhat, his mother stirs up some stupid and insignificant issue and raises so many complaints that we end up fighting. She uses very improper and dirty language, and insults me about my education, and my family.

I am 90% sure that I want to leave him, because now I am constantly ill, I am having high blood pressure  and now I am having panic attacks. I work around the house all day, while all the housemembers leave for their errands, with me staying alone with my baby in the house, all day. I cannot take this anymore. Please tell me am I correct to take such a decision, when he does not support me or my son, is abusive towards me, does not spend time with me, never returns my money, and his family members being very rude to me.

I am very hurt but more than that I am now exhausted to try and make this relation work. I have absolutely no motivation to serve a man who does not treat me like a wife. Am I religiously right to seek divorce when I see no future for me or my child. More than that I don´t see any happiness, only giving on my part.

Thank you

drtaya


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14 Responses »

  1. Assalaamu'alikum Dear Sisiter in Islam,

    Its really shocking to hear the way they treat you, and more so if you are a dentist which is a great blessing for them.
    I have no clue how you ended up in this family, having a dentist as your wife who is more qualified than you it makes no sense to show wickedness and superiority towards her, If any decent guy was your husband he would be treating you like a princess really. Its very sad to read your story.

    I would suggest you speak to your husband in a calm manner when he is in a good mood , tell him why don't you fear Allaah in judging between me and your mother, Tell him that even though his mother has an enormous right over him so do I being your loyal wife. and I am allowed to seek divorce if my husband doesn't give me and my son their rights

    Finally use your qualification of being dentist as an central issue and make them realize how big a blessing they have in their family and tell them any good person will accept her because of her professional degree and I don't need to worry about my future and I can very well stand on my feet.

    May Allaah grant you patience and happiness in your life, Ameen

  2. Salaam dear sister, I am sorry to hear the abuse you have been subjected to for such a long time. May Allah reward you for your patience. I somewhat agree with takbirs comment above, if you havent tried talking to him about it, then it might be an idea - but if they are as bad as you say then it might fall on deaf ears.

    You are however within your rights to seek divorce - marriage is not supposed to be like this - it is a loving partnership and each spouse should be a garment for one another. If the situation does not improve fast/if he and his mother are not willing to change then definetly leave him. Chances are it may escalate. Also do not give him any more money regardless of what he says - it will only be wasted.

    Noone deserves such treatment from any one, least of all their own spouse and in-laws.
    I pray that Allah helps you with this difficulty sister and grants you something much better.
    Ameen

    If you need any support/additional advice you are welcome to write on here..

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor
    x

  3. Dear sister,

    As someone who has been in a long term marriage with it's ups and downs, I would like to comment on your post if I may.

    You my love, are not married to a man...he is of the male species but definitely...not a man. A man would not treat you in such a manner as his wife. Your husband does not understand just how much a manicure or pedicure makes you feel beautiful as a woman. It is a treat for you for all the hard work you do. How selfish can this man be? Besides...it doesn't sound as though he would be the one paying for it anyway!

    Your mother in law needs to get out of your business and mind her own. This kind of woman who interferes with her sons marriage and wife is the reason why so many marriages end up in divorce. She may be your mother in law but that does not give her the right to speak to you in an unkind manner. My mother in law and I came from two different worlds and cultures but she treated me like a daughter and more from the day I met her. She passed away three years ago may God rest her soul, but I will never forget how kind she was to me. You my dear do not have to accept the way this woman speaks to you...ever.

    May I ask why you are giving this man your money? Why?! How about this...let him get off the sofa and go and look for work? What kind of man lays around and lets his wife work to support him? This my dear is not a man...he is a user as far as I can see. Take your money and put it away...you do not need to support him, on the contrary...he should be supporting you. Why on earth would you take money from your parents to give to this leech? Your father obviously has worked hard for his money and so should your husband. Do not take money from your father to give to this man...he is not grateful and does not deserve it...at all. You say that he tells you that you have no right to ask where the money went that you gave him...and I say, "oh yes you do". He is the one who has no right to take money from you and you not know where it is going. Stop giving him money! Let him be a man and work for it!

    Sister, I simply cannot in good conscience tell you to stay with someone so selfish and lazy...whose mother has no respect for you nor your husband by the sounds of things. You do not need to live this way...it is cruel and unnecessary. I think you should sit with your husband AND his mother. You should be kind and speak to them both about the money...the way you are constantly disrespected and so forth. Tell your husband that you will no longer ask your parents for money. He isn't going to like that...too bad. Talk to your mother in law in regards to her language towards you, let her know that you find it unacceptable and will no longer tolerate it. See if you can find some common ground or understanding. If you cannot, you have nothing to fear by leaving the leech and his abusive mother and going to your parents. This man nor his mother do not have a clue just how blessed they are to have such a wonderful woman such as you are. Now...go get a manicure and a pedicure just because you feel like it.

    The problem I see here is this...you have never stood up for yourself and this is why both of these individuals are walking all over you. Your husband having his hand out for money like a five year old, as if your father is responsible for this mans debt...he is not. If your husband runs up his credit card debt, then he should pay it back...not your father! Your mother in law speaking to you in a manner in which she herself would not tolerate from someone else yet...she speaks to you as if you are nothing. Stand up for yourself and make yourself heard.

  4. Walk out. Sit him down, tell him your at the peak of divorce and either things change or its over. He takes heed = a miracle and great. Most likely it will turn into another argument and he will only be what he's been so far = a money sucking lazy mummys boy.

    I've been through this sis..I know how your life is hell right now and the stress...its just unbearable. Sister I lost 15 kilos and literally became ill due to being constantly stressed in the months that I put up with it like you are doing...In laws who butt into a married couples business will never leave them at peace. Either you guys seperate and live ur life together away from his mother and family for any chance of success or sooner than later, its gonna end...

    The only way this marriage will continue is if you kill your pride and dignity as a human being and put up with whatever they throw at you. I chose not to and I hope you will to. You are more educated mashallah and alot older than what I was when I was going through this...

    And oh yeh, DONT give him another penny. Please, for God's sake.

    Was salaamu alaikum

  5. Salam Alaykom Sister,

    May Allah (SWT) reward you for your loyalty and patience sister! Also, I agree with the previous responses. You are clearly an educated woman who can obviously take care of herself if need be, and that could be a big part of the motivation of such abuse from your husband and mother in-law. Firstly, with such behavior that is not only disgusting and immoral proves that they are not ethically fit to have any relation with you or your son. Perhaps they themselves know this deep within so they are trying to tare you down so that you no longer have the courage, self esteem, and want to get back up and move on. I believe they fear that you would realize your strengths and values and leave so they need to keep you pinned down emotionally so you cannot move. Not only is this not healthy for you, but not healthy for your son either. Not only does your son need you to be healthy so you may (insha'Allah) have a long life with him, also, this is not an image or upbringing you would want your son believing that this way of life is correct. You have the right to divorce if your husband is not providing for you or your son, he is not fulfilling his duties as a husband and/or as a father and with this you can divorce. My advice to you is with all that you have said and the state of health you are in now, is to pray to Allah (SWT) for guidance and break free from the prison that your husband and in-laws are trying to keep you in. Insha'Allah you will have the strength to stand up and move on, and insha'Allah you will find contentment in life! May Allah (SWT) bless you and your son and bring peace to you, Ameen!

    Salams
    OmDania

  6. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un

    salam sister

    first and for most i don't think that threats of walking out work with people because we are very defensive creatures, at least most of us are, second as for your problem with his mother honestly theirs not too much you can do like you said his parents are like your parents and and they always win if you don't live with her avoid her no one says you have to be in her presents all the time and if she is a ill doer Allah is watching and is aware of this and will one day make her pay for it dearly, and finally as for your husband the way i see it he is not even doing his religious duties because if he is not working simple because he is lazy, that means he is failing to provide for you and your child as a man if this occurs for more then six months according to Islamic law you can ask for a divorce and are entitled to it, which by no means you have to do so.

    Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un

  7. He is probably using the money to either gamble or go out and blow the money on other women or something, because why would he have to hide his spending habits from his wife? You have stress and high blood pressure BECAUSE you are in an unstable, demeaning environment with your husband and his family. Its even harming your family, so to speak, because its emotionally and physically draining/damaging you as well as draining on your parents finances. Leave him and you will find you are so much happier on your own two feet.
    Dont say anything at first, just reduce the amount of money you can 'get' from your parents and put it in your own bank account (make a new one not attached to your husband) and save that money to get an apartment (first months rent and security deposit), pay for the initial fees to talk to a divorce lawyer, or at least to pay off bills if you move back home with your family. Give yourself a window of time to get your affairs in order (bills, what you will take and what your will leave behind), and once you've though out your approach then see a divorce lawyer to discuss options.
    When you have enough saved up, tell your hopefully soon to be ex-husband its over and serve him divorce papers. Protect yourself by making sure he or his family does not find out your new address, and take steps to make sure he can't harass you at your job or though getting information from your friends or coworkers. (Just in case he is one of those men). You are NOT his cash cow, and he has no right to leech off you.

    Good luck in your future, and stay strong. This is not going to be easy, but to have room to breathe and live the life you want to, is not only healthy for you, but is your basic right.

  8. Assalamoalaikum
    Thank you so much for responding to me at this time of crisis. Your comments have really helped me feel stronger about my decision. About four months ago, my husband and his mother's attitude increased to all new high. My husband started to "offer" me divorce and repeatedly started threatenign me with it. Alongside, he started to ignore me for four to five days straight. My panic attacks and blood pressure were getting higher but he didnt care. May be he thought he wanted to teach me a lession.
    Again, after six months of mental agonizing, I finally lent him some money, but immediately, he took it out and started to behave like the jerk he had always been. My mother in law became even more louder about her cursing, and everyone in my husband's family justified it by saying "she curses her own daughters, she curses every one, so why are you taking it so seriously"
    I really dont know how to relate to the stupidity of the statement
    Immediately, I found out that he is having affairs with not one but four women, who he had been talking to and meeting with since the time my son had turned one. I found a disgusting website, where he had added more than 70 girls. I told this matter to his sister and then in front of him to his mother. His mother said in return, "this is their family trait, you should get used to it". My husband just sat their smiling.
    This made me decide that I have to end this.
    I came back to my family, after gathering and saving all my documents and left over money. The day I was leaving I find out that my son's gold chain is conveniently missing from teh drawer that only me or my husband had access to.
    My parents tried to talk to his parents, who released such disgusting filth about me, not only to my family but to my sister's husband too. I have filed for khula, but he and his family have filed for suit for conjugal restitution. He is also threatening me about taking my son, and has countered filed my case for custodian ship. My next hearing is on 14th this month. Please do pray that I get rid of this horrible family and that my beautiful son stays with me. Your comments adn love is truly healing, and I was literally crying after reading such long and concerned responses. Thank you soo much for taking out the time for me and my problem. There is no one better to give out rewards for kindness but Allah.
    I only now have these nagging doubts from time to time if my decision is correct. Logically, I believe this is so, because now I am slowly recovering physcially, although emotionally, I am still in a very terrible state. I had a nervous breakdown when I came back to my parent's place. Please pray that this decision is the right decision for me and my son
    Again thank you very much for your love adn kindness, and although I do not know you, I will always pray for your love and sympathy. Allah rewards the best

    • Wa alaikum assalaam,

      Alhamdulillah that you have decided to end it, thumma alhamdulillah sister. Well done for being strong enough to take the step to take a total 'jerk' out of your life. Excuse my language but I cannot think of a better word to describe him or any other man who behaves in such a way.

      You, and your family members, deserve a better man as a husband and a son in law. One who does not curse them and has maturity or control over his whims and desires.

      Remember that ultimately, your child is an amanah from Allah to you. Your little prince belongs to Allah, and He will provide for him and shelter him and take care of him inshallah. Be strong and do everything in your power to keep him and do not allow his threats to shake your willpower. Your son should stay with you; the Deen as well as the norm of nearly every country law that I know of gives custody of a child to a mother preference over the father, unless there is any reason why the child shouldn't be with the mother.

      It would have been good if you have any documented evidence against him to present to the court incase he tries to put the blame on you, defame you and take your son away by those means. Then you could show the court proof of his character and credibility. If you dont have it and there is any way of getting that, then do it inshallah.( Proof of his affairs online etc)

      You will naturally feel a mess emotionally however as you have pointed out, you know that logically this is the correct thing which you have done. So then dont allow your emotions to make you think otherwise. Just be firm...for a short while becuase this state will not last and in order for it to become better, you need to be very strong. You need to pray to Allah to give you strength during this difficult time and help you with everything you are going through. Stick with it..take each day as it comes and of course, be consistent in your ibadah..I promise you will see results inshallah. But remember, this will take a lot of effort, patience and time.

      "Seek Allah's help with patient perseverance and prayer. It is indeed hard except for those who are humble." (2:45)

      "Oh you who believe! Seek help with patient perseverance and prayer, for God is with those who patiently persevere." (2:153)

      "Be sure We shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods, lives, and the fruits of your toil. But give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere. Those who say, when afflicted with calamity, 'To Allah we belong, and to Him is our return.' They are those on whom descend blessings from their Lord, and mercy. They are the ones who receive guidance." (2:155-157)Let this test be a means of bringing you closer to Allah and making you a stronger and more independant woman inshallah. Don't allow them to control your life and emotions anymore- you have walked out of the house, put them behind you..now let them talk all they want. If anything, you ignoring them and showing not even an ounce of care about their actions will burn them more than anything. In fact, you should pity them and their state of affairs...what will they answer Allah?

      Let this be a time for you to focus on your relationship with your Lord. Draw closer to Him and something that will help you greatly is praying tahajjud. Wake up half an hour before fajr and pour your heart out to the one who understands you and your child better than you do. Inshallah you will see results.

      Jazakallah khair for letting us know what has happened and you will remain in our prayers sister. Know that you haven't been and still are not the only one facing such trials.

      I wish I could talk to you a little more in private as there is so much I want to say, which I believe would help you, but not exactly at a public platform like this..perhaps the editors would be kind enough to pass my email address to you? (Hint hint editors)

      Take care of yourself and the little one 🙂

      Was salaam

  9. Assalamoalaikum
    I realy dont know if we can share our email addresses on this platform. It will be of help. How ever if you are using facebook, then we can get in touch there.
    I am thankful that you do consider my step as positive one. I am hoping that Allah will make it better for us. I remember once during all these problems, I cried my heart out to my husband and said to him that I can never think of losing you or my son, since you are my family. Now that I look at it, Allah has said that He will test us with the things that we love the most. I guess this is my test then
    I can never thank Allah for the best set of parents and siblings who are supporting me with their life and limb. They have been so consderate and their love for my son is pure and genuine, and not out of pity. My son has become more attached to my brother than he ever was to his father. All children need is sincerity and love, which Alhamdullillah he is getting.
    Thank you again Faith for your kind words. Please do reply about the possibility on facebook. I will be honored to have such a nice person for a friend.

    • Giving email address or contact information on the website is not allowed sister Taya so I hope that the editors will help us somehow get in touch.

      Wael, or any of the other editors, I really want to help this sister inshallah and talk to her further if possible, can you please help us with that?

      salaam alaikum.

  10. Assalamoalaikum
    I hope all of you are in good health. I need your advice and help again. I am still under the process of khula but I am having severe depresssion and miss my husband. I dont understand why. I still rememeber all the abuse that I have suffered from him and his side of the family. And I still understand that the deficit of trust cannot be repaired. But still I am missing him. What should I do? Is it my depression that is missing him? Why do I feel guilty? You have all been very kind to me during this process and I would appreciate a little more time from you. I need help in putting myself and things in perspective.
    I also need some help in getting the interpretation of my istikhara that I did about my situation. Is there any one who can help me interpret my istikhara dream?

  11. Assalamoalaikum
    Finally today, the court has given the verdict in my favor and granted me khula. I cant say that I am happy, or relieved. Its still very hurting. Please remember me in your prayers, and that Allah takes me out of this situation. Thank you again

    • Sister,

      You are now free from the mental and verbal abuse that you have suffered at the hands of those who should have loved and respected you but did not. Now is the time to look forward to a new day and a new beginning. Love yourself and know that you are a beautiful woman who deserves so much more. Never, ever allow anyone to enter your life again who does not treat you in a manner that you deserve.

      May your future be bright with only the best yet to come. My prayers are with you.

      Salam

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