Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Abused by my Family – Please Read and Help

Salam to all,

Hope everyone is keeping well, I don't normally reach out with forums of my dilemmas but this is getting quite serious and I am in dire need of some religious help, please.

I will explain in detail several different incidents that have occurred throughout and make it as clear as possible.

A couple months ago around mid November I told my sister to turn the music down, she is married and 31, her husband is 23. I may have said it in a rude tone somewhat as it was loud and I was trying to help my parents with their bank direct debits. She then replied saying "Stop acting like a damn b****" right in front of her husband. I felt embarrassed, mortified, and told her not to use such derogatory harsh words. As my Dad left with her husband who saw that all, she then continued and began shouting and saying, "you are too camp and effeminate, you are a disgrace to the family and you are shaming the surname!", swearing, shouting so loud. Bringing this all up again for the 8/9th time.

Online on youtube I simply sit back and behind a blank wall and review shows, that it is. Not doing porn, drugs, or anything of that matter at all. Simply reviewing shows behind a white wall and that is it.

My sister is very homophobic and has character assassinated me throughout my life, I left and then broke down in front of a friend and began crying. Horrible flashbacks came back to me :

When my sister said to me when I was young that she was going to tie me up, said my walk was too gay and I had to go home and walk up and down the room. When our dad had a heart attack she accused me of being the direct cause of his attack and I cried that night. Totally disregarding his ill health and that he is obese and blamed it on me. Another time when she came right up to my face, invading my personal space and shouting from the top her lungs "you're gay! you're gay! Just fucking say it!" then she starts laughing and is about to hit me with my laptop. Another time in front of family guests during dinner she had an outburst saying look how effeminate and camp you are, shame to the family, swearing at me and then left. I cried again that night and felt embarrassed as again it was in front of other people. Another flashback when I was young she forced me to tell my parents that I was bisexual over childish habits and watched as I got beaten, I was a child.

The constant harassment and character assassination throughout my life has left me to very quiet at home, very quiet. I have had dreams of my sister trying to kill me that is how much she has affected me. The homophobic bullying has scarred me and I have had panic attacks recently not being able to breathe with my throat closing up. None of my friends have ever said I am camp or effeminate ever, and even if I was this should not be a issue but culture invests and manifests itself into religions.

Here is where it gets more complicated, when I was young before I was messaging people at the age of 12 for my sister to catch me and where the emotional toxic abuse began. When I was 11 I was sexually abused by my brother, telling me I had to do it because our cousins did it and we looked up to them so I listened to him and then I put it to a stop when I was 12. I was 11 and he was 17. He manipulated me to get what he wanted, when we used to go the mosque together when we were young he used to tell everyone I was half boy and half girl. Sexual abuse changes you forever, it changed me. I became very quiet at home, strong imagination as a coping mechanism, trauma bonding - bonding with the person who caused you the traumatic event to deny it and pretend it never happened, very hard to speak to other family members and in laws and being seen as the quiet one when infact I was sexually abused which changed me and I feel i'm only worthy when i'm being used or abused and perhaps that is why I have allowed my sister to emotionally homophobic-ally abuse me my entire life.

My sister also had an intervention with family and told me that other family members such as cousins do not like me because I am too "gay" "camp" online, I spoke to these cousins and they have told me they have never said any such thing at all. When people cannot control you they seem to try and turn people against you.

When my sister abuses me in such a way she riles up my Mother who says awful things to me too, "when you were young and sick as a child why did God save you?", "I am ashamed to have you as my son", "I want to be done with you forever", words that have hurt my heart and fill me with rage at the same time. She then says I can say this to you because I am your mother. Just because parents have an elevated status in a religion such as Islam does not mean they can justify the toxicity of their actions by using religion I believe. I have never done anything personal to anyone in my family at all, never, to make someone cry is an awful thing to do.

I recently grabbed my things and left my home and stayed with a friend, I told my parents I forgive them for what they have done to me because they are my parents and for that sole fact. I then told my parents about the sexual abuse from my brother and that day I cried and cried. I cried so much as I told them. At first they denied it, then understood, then a week later my own mother told me "look at you making the family a target, causing your sister stress", "do not blame anyone" "I am embarrassed". Can you imagine? Telling your own mother about being sexually abused and she says this? Her main concern is embarrassment? Saying i'm making the family a target? This killed me, it killed me so much.

I then confronted my brother about the abuse, which was VERY hard for me to do, he apologised, said he was immature, and then I said I will keep my distance from you which I am entitled to say and he refuted that saying he wants to be close which annoyed me. My Dad just wants a quick fix but this cannot be a quick fix. I feel even now by my Dad seeing it as a quick fix my feelings are being marginalised. Then my brother said to me after "you do bizarre things as well" and this comment shocked me after the discussion we just had, so I took my things and left. He then chased me down the road and at this point I was visibly shaking and he said "I know things about you and I had not told our parents yet, I love you". What kind of emotional manipulation is this? Down the week he would message me but I ignored them, even seeing his name pop up brings horrible memories - I had a panic attack as I could feel him on me it was ghastly. He then messaged again to say "you finally got what you wanted, you are out the house. You used this all to get out of the house. Parents are not well this is not worth it". I didn't reply to this either, what a horrible disgusting message to read, it saddened me and angered me so much.

My sister has been messaging me and I have ignored them as I am too upset and hurt by all that she has said. Her husband is now ignoring me too when I see them at family functions, they cannot even remain civil for the sake of the parents. The fact that her own husband who is close to my age is ignoring me only shows how immature he is. In Laws do not get involved and should not, I was the biggest supporter of their marriage, even on my own birthday they were subtly trying to be rude and preventing to talk. Even whilst singing happy birthday to me they were on their phones paying no attention, refusing to take pictures and ignoring me when I say goodbye to me. I am acting more mature then those who are older then me. Not saying I want to engage in conversations but remain civil, but it is her husband ignoring me and being rude to me that has really upset me when I have been nothing short of kind. My sister has no idea why I have ignored her for a month or so, can you imagine how delusional one is?

Cousins confided in me about why I am not returning home and when I told them about the emotional abuse they understood as at least 4 other people have rifts with my sister - she is the common denominator. So insecure that she has to make me feel awful and cry in order for her to feel better about herself and I have had enough, I have reached my threshold.

I became very suicidal and prayed to Allah to take my life in my sleep because each day became too hard for me. My family have abused me my entire life and they cannot see what they are doing to me and believe it is okay and I have allowed it to continue on for too long and have reached breaking point.

I have moved out to live with friends and feeling better, for the last 4 years I have looked after my grandparents and visit them daily now to make their tea but when around my mother who is there she constantly says things to get me upset and rage builds within. The fact that she has no sympathy after telling her about all of this abuse is just horrible.

Why can't my family see what they are doing to me? My own brother sexually abused me and then blames me for using it to my advantage? My sisters emotional homophobic abuse along with my Mother. My dad is the rational one to an extent but will not do anything. I nearly broke down on the road shouting and screaming from all the abuse, recently my mother said I am responsible for her high blood pressure and that killed me. They blame and have abused me consistently but the emotional abuse is so strong that they make me feel guilty.

If anyone has taken the time to read this, please can you advise me to see if I have done the right thing and what I should do in such situations. I have spoken to psychiatrists, friends, some religious people and they all told me to get out. To leave the people of my own blood that have wronged me was the hardest thing to do, alongside confronting my brother and telling my parents about the sexual abuse. I have yet to speak to my sister but I have written her a letter. Prevents confrontation and gets everything across I believe.

Please if anyone who has taken the time to read this, please advise to see if I have done the right thing and what your opinions are on this matter.

Thank you and Salam.

Hassan

 

 

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7 Responses »

  1. Hello Hassan,

    I am sorry to hear about your situation. My advice is that you need to be strong and be ready to deliver them a response of the same proportion. This could mean that you can completely, if you think it is appropriate, break tie with everyone you think have caused hardship and grief to you. If I were you, I would do the same. I am aware that this is a difficult move, but at least your response of the same proportion can force them to think that you are equally angry at them.

    If I can help you with anything else, please let me know. We can even exchange phone or e-mail addresses. I am doing Master in Psychotherapy at University of Toronto, and I deal with people like you all the time.

    Thanks

  2. Assalaamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabrakaatu.

    Mashallah, you need to learn from the story of Ibrahim (AS) from the Quran, brother Hasan.

    Allah says in the Quran:

    And whoever Allah guides, none can lead astray. Is Allah not Almighty, capable of retribution? (Az-Zumar 39:37)

    You need Allah's guidance, brother.

    Prophet Ibrahim was born in a family of idolaters but from early childhood, he was endowed with spiritual understanding. Allah enlightened his heart and mind and gave him wisdom:

    "We bestowed aforetime on Ibrahim his rectitude of conduct, and well were We acquainted with him. (as to his belief in the Oneness of Allah)" [Surah Al Anbiya 21:51]

    One day, Ibrahim looked at the sky about which Allah says in the Quran:

    "So also did We show Ibrahim the power and the laws of the heavens and the earth, that he might (with understanding) have certitude. When the night covered him over, He saw a star: He said: "This is my Lord." But when it set, He said: "I love not those that set." When he saw the moon rising in splendor, he said: "This is my Lord." But when the moon set, He said: "Unless my Lord guide me, I shall surely be among those who go astray."When he saw the sun rising in splendor, he said: "This is my Lord; this is the greatest (of all)." But when the sun set, he said: "O my people! I am indeed free from your (guilt) of giving partners to Allah. "For me, I have set my face, firmly and truly, towards Him Who created the heavens and the earth, and never shall I give partners to Allah."" [Surah Al An'am 6:75-79]

    Thus, Ibrahim rejected the worship of all celestial bodies, which people venerated and worshiped and therefore:

    "His people disputed with him. He said: "(Come) ye to dispute with me, about Allah, when He (Himself) hath guided me? I fear not (the beings) ye associate with Allah: Unless my Lord willeth, (nothing can happen). My Lord comprehendeth in His knowledge all things. Will ye not (yourselves) be admonished? "How should I fear (the beings) ye associate with God, when ye fear not to give partners to God without any warrant having been given to you? Which of (us) two parties hath more right to security? (tell me) if ye know." [Surah Al An'am 6:80-81]

    It was in his childhood that Ibrahim argued with his father, who was not only an ordinary idolater, but he totally rejected the existence of Allah. He used to make idols with his own hands. Ibrahim realized the fallacy of the idol; he noticed that these idols did not eat, drink, or talk, and that they could not even turn themselves right-side if someone turned them upside-down. How could then people believe that such statues could harm or benefit them?

    "Lo! Ibrahim said to his father Azar: "Takest thou idols for gods? For I see thee and thy people in manifest error."" [Surah Al An'am 6:74]

    "Behold, he said to his father: "O my father! why worship that which heareth not and seeth not, and can profit thee nothing? "O my father! to me hath come knowledge which hath not reached thee: so follow me: I will guide thee to a way that is even and straight. "O my father! serve not Satan: for Satan is a rebel against (Allah) Most Gracious. "O my father! I fear lest a Penalty afflict thee from (Allah) Most Gracious, so that thou become to Satan a friend."(The father) replied: "Dost thou hate my gods, O Ibrahim? If thou forbear not, I will indeed stone thee: Now get away from me for a good long while!"Ibrahim said: "Peace be on thee: I will pray to my Lord for thy forgiveness: for He is to me Most Gracious. "And I will turn away from you (all) and from those whom ye invoke besides Allah: I will call on my Lord: perhaps, by my prayer to my Lord, I shall be not unblest."" [Surah Maryam 19:42-48]

    He also argued with a skeptic, who claimed to be god (according to what the commentators said, he was Namrud, the King of Babylon):

    Allah says in the Quran:

    "Hast thou not turned thy vision to one who disputed with Ibrahim about his Lord, because Allah had granted him power? Ibrahim said: "My Lord is He Who Giveth life and death." He said: "I give life and death". Said Ibrahim: "But it is Allah that causeth the sun to rise from the East: Do thou then cause him to rise from the West." Thus was he confounded who (in arrogance) rejected faith. Nor doth Allah Give guidance to a people unjust." [Surah Al Baqarah 2:258]

    In the same way, he again used reasoning with the idol-worshipers and said:

    "Behold, he said to his father and his people: "What worship ye?" They said: "We worship idols, and we remain constantly in attendance on them." He said: "Do they listen to you when ye call (on them), or do you good or harm?" They said: "Nay, but we found our fathers doing thus (what we do)." He said: "Do ye then see whom ye have been worshipping,-" [Surah Al Shu'ara' 26:71-75]

    However, they (the idolaters) did not give up but clung fast to idolatry, then he (AS) said:

    "And by God, I have a plan for your idols - after ye go away and turn your backs." [Surah Al Anbiya 21:57]

    Ibrahim (AS) knew that there was going to be a celebration on the other side of the river, which would be attended by all people. They invited Ibrahim to join them in the celebrations but:

    "Then did he cast a glance at the Stars. And he said, "I am indeed sick (at heart)!" So they turned away from him, and departed." [Surah Al Saffat 37:88]

    He did this trick to remain in their temple and to destroy the idols. Ibrahim waited until the city was empty:

    "Then did he turn to their aliha (gods) and said, "will ye not eat (of the offerings before you)? "What is the matter with you that ye speak not (intelligently)?" Then did he turn upon them, striking (them) with the right hand." [Surah Al Saffat 37:91-93]

    "So he broke them to pieces, (all) but the biggest of them, that they might turn (and address themselves) to it." [Surah Al Anbiya 21:58]

    He enacted this scene, to make the people ashamed of worshiping powerless and senseless stocks and stones. He broke all the idols except the biggest, so as to show that a fight had taken place between the idols, and the biggest idol had smashed the others. So, when they came back:

    "They said, "Who has done this to our aliha (gods)? He must indeed be some man of impiety!" They said, "We heard a youth talk of them: He is called Ibrahim." They said, "Then bring him before the eyes of the people, that they may bear witness." They said, "Art thou the one that did this with our gods, O Ibrahim?" He said: "Nay, this was done by - this is their biggest one! ask them, if they can speak intelligently!"So they turned to themselves and said, "Surely ye are the ones in the wrong!" Then were they confounded with shame: (they said), "Thou knowest full well that these (idols) do not speak!" (Ibrahim) said, "Do ye then worship, besides Allah, things that can neither be of any good to you nor do you harm? "Fie upon you, and upon the things that ye worship besides Allah! Have ye no sense?".. They said, "Burn him and protect your gods, If ye do (anything at all)!" We said, "O Fire! be thou cool, and (a means of) safety for Ibrahim!" Then they sought a stratagem against him: but We made them the ones that lost most!" [Surah Al Anbiya 21:59-70]

    Prophet Ibrahim did his best to make his people heedful of the Oneness of Allah, and to worship Him alone. He bade them to firmly renounce the worship of idols. He tried every means possible to convince them.

    However, their arrogance would not allow them to admit their foolishness. Ibrahim realized the senselessness of their beliefs, when:

    "(The father) replied: "Dost thou hate my gods, O Ibrahim? If thou forbear not, I will indeed stone thee: Now get away from me for a good long while!" Ibrahim said: "Peace be on thee: I will pray to my Lord for thy forgiveness: for He is to me Most Gracious. "And I will turn away from you (all) and from those whom ye invoke besides Allah: I will call on my Lord: perhaps, by my prayer to my Lord, I shall be not unblest."" [Surah Maryam 19:46-48]

    And he said (after his rescue from the fire):

    "He said: "I will go to my Lord! He will surely guide me! " [Surah Al Saffat 37:99]

    And he left his father's house and abandoned his people and what they worshiped!! He migrated with his wife, Sarah, to a city called Ur, then to another called Haran, Palestine and then to Egypt calling people to believe in Allah.

    You need to gain Islamic knowledge, brother Hasan and act on it and Allah will guide you and honor you. However, you need to be a little more patient and you cannot leave the house unless you see a major Kufr (disbelief) in your parents.

  3. Although I have a lot to say, I think I will just keep my answer short and sweet.

    I think you have been through way too much with your family, and they clearly don't take any ownership for their actions in any way, shape or form. They make you they make you their scape goat, because that's the easiest thing for them to do. It's easier to blame the one person than to admit that the entire family is dysfunctional, sick and anything but normal.

    I think it's about time that you think about yourself, for once. Please do yourself a massive favour and find yourself your own place to live...and try to distance yourself from your family. Try your best to make the rest of your life better...talk to a therapist so you can cope with your traumas and insecurities, go to school, get a great job, be independent...get married, have kids...and keep your contact to your family to the bare minimum until they prove to you that they have drastically changed for the better. No one deserves to be treated the way you're being treated...

  4. I can totally empathise having gone through a similar situation myself. My brother is still angry at me that I didn’t allow him to sexually abuse me and the rest off the family blanked the whole episode out.

    I now live on my own for 5 years and it does make me angry my siblings were able to live at home and get financial help and I had to struggle. But I have kept my self respect and that is priceless. It was difficult to begin with and I was Comotose for three months, it was only last year I began to really heal after speaking to the Samaritans.

    Stay in touch with your dad but cut everyone else out. You owe them nothing.

  5. If it is possible to live with other family members, do that. Immediately, make a break from your immediate family because they are in denial and for whatever reasons are not concerned about you, your mental and emotional health. Your sister. in particular, is an evil woman. Your brother is also someone who should not be trusted, even though he has apologized.
    Note that predatory and sexual perverts always apologize when they think that might go to jail, be publicly outed or lose their reputation. Your sister and brother should never be allowed around your children in the future no matter how often they may apologize or appear to be sorry for their horrible behavior. They are horrible people. Right now your sister is one person to stay far away from, even if it means not having regular contact with your parents. You owe all of them nothing. They have done enough damage already. It is sad, but realize that many Muslims have faced having to stay away from their family and have had happy successful lives.

  6. Salaam. You have done the right thing, cut ties with those who harmed you but keep in touch with your father. Look after yourself, marry and move on slowly. Love yourself you are great. Sorry for your pain, may Allah alleviate your worries and make your path beautiful.

    It’s so easy for others to give advice right? I think we all have the correct answers that dwell deep within ourselves, we just have to find the courage to follow them through. Best wishes x

  7. Please don’t lose sleep to any of them . Not every family is love and butterflies. Think about yourself . Your career and much more. Change all accounts that keep you contact with them maybe go to another city or county where you would meet new people and struggle by your own to get what you deserve better life. You bluiding yourself now so get rid of them till you reach ur destination. Even meet ur grandparents less so you don’t have to deal with anyone. Your family is sadly one of the Sick family starting from the top and down . You didn’t choose your childhood but can choose your future

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