Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Abusive and drug addicted husband

Young woman looking thoughtful, pensive


I am 20 years old and I got married to years ago to a guy that was 8 years older than me. My family was not very happy with the decision because they knew his family and weren't quite the best decision makers in life. I was in love with this guy and still chose to marry him and my family supported me. About a few months into our marriage, he started abusive me physically. He put me in a car and would not stop hitting me. I asked him why is he doing such thing and he would respond with "I saw the way you were looking at that guy". I've never done anything but love this guy with all that I have. I have been 100%loyal to him since I began getting to know him.

I also support for the both of us. I am the only one that's working while he is always out hanging with his friends. He leaves the house when I do for work and comes home around 11pm from hanging out. He spends 100$-200$ on drugs a day that I support. He's been through a lot as a child and I know that he's not mentally there. I went ahead and scedhuled many appointments to different facilities to get him mental help. It worked, for only so long.

In ramadan he started a argument about the management of my building that I work at. He kept insisting on "just because she s beautiful she thinks she can do anything she wants." I didn't tale it personal the first time but about the fourth time he said it, it bothered me. I confronted him about it very calmly and respectfully. He gets very very mad and started physically abusing me to the point that I was bleeding and could not see or hear anything. I lost consciousness and had also been fasting since it's ramadan. I asked for water to break my fast and he refused. All he did was keep hitting me. I thought I was going to die, i was crying that I had to let my family see me die like this. They didn't deserve the pain nor is it fair for them. I've kept this all from my family. I finally called one of my uncle's to call 911 to take me to the hospital. Someone had called the police when they saw him do that to me, they are currently loomingnfor him but he's no where to be found.

Sisters, I need your advice. I have been praying to Allah to give me sab'r. My heart aches for him because despite the fact that he does that he's a good man when he's sane. I don't know what to do. I have set my mind on a divorce but my heart aches. I don't know what to do. Did I do wrong by admitting to the police he did this to me? I am mentally and physically exhausted. I have not been able to eat or sleep much. Also, he has a history of jail time for domestic violence in the past when he was younger. Any advice would be appreciated.




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4 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaykum Fatima,

    I'm so sorry to hear of the abuse you have been experiencing from your husband. May Allah give you rest and relief soon, as you sound very drained.

    Unfortunately, because your husband uses drugs and is not consistently receiving treatment for his addiction problem, it is hard to say how much of his behavior is ingrained in his personality and how much is due to drug abuse. Drugs could be causing his paranoia that you are looking at other men, but it could also be a mental illness...either a thought disorder or personality disorder, both of which need commited treatment.

    It sounds like you are already in the mindset of wanting a divorce, even though it hurts so much emotionally, as you love him. This is your reason overriding your heart for survival sake, which is a good thing. Your husband has a long way to go in learning how to have a relationship and in detoxing, and you can't really parent him through this. He has to see that his behavior is wrong and genuinely want treatment. I admire you for having gotten him as much help as you could in your position, but he'll have to come to the realization and desire to change on his own now.

    I think that because you are already considering divorce, you should go ahead with that option. Healing on your part will come with time. Time does wonders on these matters of the heart. Just think, would you want your future children to see him treating you this way and think that that is an acceptable way to treat a woman?



  2. salam sis i think you are very lucky that he is out of your life, please take care of your self and done let anyone into your life again that would treat you so horrible.

  3. Sister, your husband is physically and verbally abusive, he doesn't look after your well-being nor is he looking after you financially. He prefers to spend time with his friends than with you, and, as icing on the shit cake, he's a drug addict that wastes your hard-earned money away on intoxicants. What are you still with him for, honestly? Why are you feeling guilty for wanting a divorce from someone who's torturing you? Someone who doesn't respect you as a wife, or even as a human being?

    You blindly followed your heart once, despite your parents' objections, and it lead you to this sorry excuse of a man. Now, you're doing the same thing all over again! Saying you are confused about whether or not to leave him, because "your heart aches". What's confusing to you, sister? I think you're "aching" for a lovely marital picture that you have in your head, not for HIM, your husband, or the marriage you have with him. But guess what? People leave their spouses every day, for whatever reason, and they get over it. They move on. And so will you, if you chose to. But the first step is to stop convincing yourself that you love this man with all of your heart, and that you can't do better than him. Stop dwelling in pain. You are not the one that needs him, he's the one that needs you. I'm sorry to be harsh, but you have to stop underestimating your own strength and advantages over your husband. You're not in a marriage, you're someone who's choosing to be a prisoner in a torture cell. Get out of there ASAP! Your husband has issues, and he needs to deal with those on his own.

    • Asalamu aleykum sister, I'm sorry your going through a hard time and i hope you figure it out and make the right choice for your self see it as a test from Allah, I have gone through the same kinda thing with my X husband,and I feel like I understand the state of mind your in, once I finely put my foot down and realized the man I was with wasn't who he acted like he was one we first meet, its like mooring a death in away ,realize he isn't what u wished he'd be ,and because their is so much abuse your even more vonrabel to needing love , so u lie to your self hoping he will change what drug addiction does is turn the person in to a narcissists please look up that meaning, and sister it won't ever get better its gana get worse to the point were him killing you might happen , girl I was with a drug addict for 5 years , he would beat me I never called the cops, I would make excuses that he had a bad childhood he will snap out of it and love me someday if not now then when? It got so bad that I isolated my self from every one that loved me I didn't even talk to my family and best friends for 4years, I lost weight I would cry on a daily basis, sister leave him , and don't look back even if it hurts so bad once your away from him you will see clair, u can make it since your a victim of a drug addicted narcissists he weekend your will slowly,this is what happen with my X husband, the last time he put his hands on me ,I was crying and being him to change and realize everything he has done and I want him to get help , he got up off the bed and acted like he was gana hug me instead he started chocking me out slamming my head in the wall then he punched me in the face now I have permanent hearing loss on my right side , then he slams me on the ground and chocks me out tell I pass out, one I woke up he was laying in bed as if nothing happen, that's when I told my self enough is enough , I went in the other room and called the cops , he was so surprised one they came in , he acted as if nothing happen and I'm crazy and he can prove it but the cops could see all the marks he left on me , one the took him away he gave me that look , that I'll kill you one I get out look. I was so scared , I thought maybe I made a mistake by calling them , but that's just his way of manipulating narcists are exports at making you feel responsible for their actions , this time I realized if I took him back he would snap and kill me , exp after leaving me on the floor past out and going back to bed , sister I cried and cried, I had to except he isn't who I thought he was and he never ever will be and my life is in danger then after a good cry and praying to Allah for strength ,I packed a few bags all I had was 30bucks in name I didn't let that stop me I left everything I owned I only took what I needed and gifts and photos of my family , and got in my old rubbed down car and drove off, and I never looked back, I'm so glad I did that , because I now love life and u am so much happier and stronger a good job friends family , , I'll never ever go through that again, sister their is light at the end of the tunnel, if u have to go stay with your family, just go leave him, and never look back , that's what its gana take, your life is litterly on the line you , its OK to cry and wish and want but don't let it get in the way of leaving him , its gana take a while to feel confident again but take the first step ,brake it off for good

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