Abusive Brother, Forced Engagment and Sexual Molestation
Salaam sisters and brothers.
I hope your all doing fine and I hope I can find some answers. All my life I have grown up being in control of my brother and doing everything he says. I grew up with my older brother who is now 20 and I'm soon to be 18, he always controlled me. When we were little kids, he would hit me and fight me saying get out of the room and no you can't watch the cartoon. I was always a good girl (no bragging) lol, I would listen and go leave.
When I would tell my mom, she would say "listen to everything he says and complain to your dad when he gets home" and then 10 at night when my dad would get home, I would tell him but he'd be really tired and not really care about I said or take it much serious. He would say, "If I ever see him or catch him then.." blah blah blah and just give a warning. My mom would say tell your dad and my dad would do nothing.
I grew up and it got much more serious. He's given me black and blue eyes and made me bleed and very much hurt me even though I've always listened to him. If I didn't listen to one word of his, then I would be done and beaten and my parents would do nothing about it and my mom would say: "maybe you should listen and do what he says, your dad will be home, you can tell him."
My life has been like this all my life. I have never gone out of my house to school or said anything, I've always smiled and made excuses for my bruises. I go through all this at home everyday and then I would be bullied and made of fun of and mentally abused at school because I wore a hijab. I went through very horrible things at home and school. I've never had a bestfriend in my life who I could tell everything to. Even when I did get a chance to make a friend... my parents would never let me hangout and still don't. They never trust me. WHY? because they think everyone is bad and everyone does drugs and stuff and because they're non muslims.
My brother who is like this is allowed to do whatever he wants and they let him do whatever he wanted. He eneded up doing drugs and smoking.. he gotten in many fights and became a drug dealer. My dad called the cops on him and he was going to go to jail but we moved... My brother also tried to kill himself two times already. He is very abusive.. he always has even though my parents have done everything for him and nothing for me or my other siblings.
I have 2 other sisters one is 8 and one is 4 and a brother who's 15. My younger brother has also became very abusive and just yesterday took a knife and made a cut on my mothers arm. Everyday, every single day I hear screams and fights and abuses at my house. Because of all this, I have myself changed a lot. (btw my dad is out of the USA right now) I myself am sick of and can't be nice anymore. Now, I fight back with my brother(s) but of course I have no power and I end up much more hurt then ever. My brother beats me for stupid reasons though. I was in my room monday and only because I had my music on loud he came and punched me and threw my speakers and broke my earphones. I got a bruise on my face and didnt go to school this whole week! And this week was very imporant!! I
'm smart but because of all this stress I've stopped trying in school and my grades are going down. I don't know what to do 🙁 I'm so lazy and because of all of this stress and everything I NEVER pray now or read the quran but I always remember Allah and cry that I know I'm sinning but then all this stuff going on goes through my mind and all I do is sit listen to music and think about everything I've been through and whats happening and all this stuff.
Besides this... I got enagaged when I was 15 to my cousin who is 10 or something years older than me. Yes I agreed... but I was pressured. My dad, my aunt, my grandma.. everyone was there. I said no and my dad was ok with my decision but then my aunts were pressuring me and if I didn't say yes then they would talk about me that I had an affair with some other guy. So I said yes. He's a great smart good looking guy, but he's not someone I will be too happy with because he's much older than me and wants something else and I want something else. He wants to marry ASAP and have kids ASAP and me stay home and not work. But I want to finish my education and go to college and wait to be financially stable and have kids when I'm ready because I don't want my kids to go through abuse or anything.
I want to provide my kids with everything. I know its haraam to have any sexual contact with even your fiance but the very next morning the first day we talked my fiance kissed me and already reached under my shirt. I didn't like it at all! I was only 15 and I never thought about this stuff! I didn't have any feelings for him in that way too, but I didn't say anything and when I finally told him its haraam... he said "you dont love me, I know you love someone else, thats why" and he was upset.
He lives in another country and I live in the USA and he always gets upset about why I won't come and marry him NOW and he says I don't care about him... like...it just pisses me off. I already go through so much. I am slowly falling in love with him but I dont know if its love or just lust for him because I have no love from anyone and he's so far away from me. After I had an argument with him this one time... I cheated on him and I knew what I was doing. I only kissed the other guy though because I felt like for once I was getting love from someone. I know what I did was wrong but I have been through so much and still am.
Its like I don't even regret doing it. I really need help because I'm taking the wrong direction all the time. I'm so close to cheating on him again but I need love... I really need a hug and someone to tell me I'm special and I am something and make me forget about all this stuff that I go through at home... :'(
We moved and I made new friends and I'm actually pretty popular at my new school but I'm not allowed to hangout with anyone and I act so happy when in reality I'm crying inside all the time. I ran for student council and now I'm the vice president at my new school!! I feel special because I won against the most popular girl in school and won wearing a hijab!! But going through this, my mom would put me down and say: "you're new, who's gonna vote for you, your not gonna win so stop wasting your time," and I ignored them and still won.
I want to grow up and go to college and be a successful women... but I dont think anyone understands me. I told my dad about the issue and he said it's ok when your fiance comes here he will understand and he will go to college with you. I don't believe it, he's 10 years older and thinks much different! After we argued, my fiance told me you can go to college but I won't and he's going to start a "business"??? It's not easy but they think everything in America is easy.
I'm going to be a senior next year and graduate, I don't know whats to come because I'm not ready to get married and I can't imagine losing my virginity to him. I can't think of me and him like that. I just can't. And especially not ready for a kid right now. If I break this relationship, my fiance will be like 'I knew you didn't love me and you're bad' and everyone will talk about me and my family like they did about one of my cousins who broke up with her fiance and she was also engaged at a very early age. This is nothing, its just a part of my life, I have so much more I could write a whole book. I hope to get some advices and feed backs... Thank you all so much.
~Flowergirl
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Hello young one,
Honestly I think that once you're 18 you should move into your own home because all that abuse is bad for any human actually. You're in the states that's cool i am too ^.^ But remember you do have rights after all I know inside you may be in pain but just be strong and hang in there I wish could meet you because you sound like a really nice girl I'm not Muslim but I think that the religion is beatiful ! And I think u are a good girl you are just lost and confused from all the abuse you have gone through that you don't know what love really is and so you're going in the wrong direction so Please always think first I wouldn't want you to end up on the wrong Path in any case at all you as a person are too precious so don't let false people take advantage of you value yourself as a women and give yourself your place yes things are difficult and it seems no matter how hard you try you won't feel truly happy but there is always time on ur hands you can always make changes and do something about your life cz only you can control yourself and if you are not ready for the blessing of a child simply speak to your fiancé and tell him if he is a nice guy like you said he will understand you because the mentality you both have is different because of your age difference and he needs to understand you are just becoming an adult you're not on his level yet but in time you will mature and you will children I would say to speak to your father about this but it seems like your situation just gets worse but you are beautiful no matter what people say or do to you ok never forget that don't let any one put you down cz if you believe in yourself and you have Allah with you by your side always you can never fail just be patient be kind and respectful your time will come just speak to your fiancé about the things you want or things you think about he will understand you and like I said ask him if you can wait to have children once you have finished your education cz every parent of course wants to be able to provide for their children so they never miss anything and if it helps you a little to release some stress just keep a journal of some kind so you can keep like a diary and in writing you can just tell a sheet of paper ur thoughts and emotions I'm only 20 and every now and then I do that and for me it's helped so much and maybe explain to ur fiancé that things here in the USA are NOT that easy -.-" lol (your education has to be at some certain level and even then to start a business is more work) just think about it and please start praying again and read the Quran don't cheat it's not good especially if you know what you're doing and ALLAH loves you always remember that ok someone already does love you but you need to find your way to his love again you have become astray from him but ALLAH has always been there loving you everyday find his love and you will be happy =) stay blessed be happy take good care of yourself and behave (lol) don't make the wrong choices for it will only lead you to dishonest things ... I'm sorry I wrote so much but I just wanted to tell you all this even if I don't know you (:
— Jessica
First I'd like to say thanks for taking the time to write all this out and the longer means the more time you took out your life to help so i appreciate it 🙂 And I can't move into my own house. I wish I could, but I can't. I can't leave my parents and dishonor them and have people say things about my parents. In my culture if a girl leaves the house like that, all that happens is people talk about the girl that she probably had some affair with someone or something and she's bad and she's out free probably clubbing and drinking. I can't just leave my parents and then on the other hand I'm engaged, I can't leave all my responsibilities and parents behind. It's not easy for someone like me. And even if I did, where do I get the money for everything.. it's not easy. I wish it was. And if I did leave my family, I would feel guilty and cry everyday about the guilt and what I did.
Assalamu Alaykum, Flower Girl.
You are AMAZING. It takes much strength to survive what you have. And much strength for a girl to wear a hijab in school in USA. And you are popular. I think they can see Allah in you and they like it!
But you MUST return to prayer. That is the start of putting this right. I know many others will have much advice and can help with suggestions, but you have to return to regular prayer. It will help you to remember Allah at all times, and if you remember Him, He will be with you.
I hope others can offer suggestions for the many other issues you have to face, but please, pray. Your winning number is 2-4-4-3-4. Fajr Dhuhr Asr Maghrib Isha. Always a winner!
Your Brother
Thank you for your comment Brother, I really appreciate it 🙂
Your story is very inspiring because after what you went through yet you do not give up. Mashaallah, my best advice to you is keep performance salat to Allah swt & reading Quran. You will feel so peace. Maybe you should talk to someone you trust like teachers etc ?
Thank you for your comment Sister I appreciate it 🙂 But if I tell one of my teachers, trust me, they will go to the office and tell. This one time, this one teacher was being rude to me and excluding me because I'm a muslim and 5 of my other teachers went to the office to complain about her and whenever my teachers see me quiet once, they ask me if everything is alright. I don't think my teachers would stand knowing how I get abused at home. I'd be too embarrassed because my character at school being all happy and energetic is much different than home being sad and quiet and crying.
Assalamoalaikum Sister Flowergirl,
First of all i have so much prayers for you that everything gets good for you.
Now secondly I hope you get some help in my advice although i don't know how to give a precise advice to you but some aspects of your life relate to me , so I want to advice you based on my own experience.
You are a brilliant young Muslimah. Regarding abuse the Editors here would offer you a better advice and some better options. I just know that you don't deserve living under whatever your brothers say. Freedom is your birth right . Allah(s.w.t) has created all of us free human beings. Nobody has the right to pressurize us or make us answerable to them. The same goes with your engagement. It's your life and you must be the one choosing whats good for you. Nobody else under any circumstance. Never ever. Same thing happened to me at the age of 12 years. And I stood against it, although late but then too it wasn't too late.
The same set of emotions went with me, looking for someone everywhere to understand me, to listen to me, to make me feel special. But believe me it's no good. Going the haraam way brings more destruction than any good.
I felt good and started having peace despite my home's surroundings and conditions when I started practicing my religion from my heart. When I started bounding all my feelings with Allah(s.w.t) only. I started reading Quran translation, doing Dhikr all the time and expressing all my feelings to Allah(s.w.t) only.
And now looking back since I started standing up for my rights and keeping the center of all my life's matters only Allah(S.w.t) I am much better and happy.
My dear sweet Sister start doing exercise everyday, eat healthy, do everything halaal that makes you happy. Talk to your Dad and make your point straight before it's late.
I will pray for you Inshallah.
May Allah(s.w.t) ease all your matters for you. Ameen
Masalaam
Thank you for your advie Sister I appreciate it 🙂 I think I will talk to my dad and tell him everything but I won't break the marriage, I'm going to tell him that now it's upto him to decide if he wants me to marry or not and I will be happy whatever he decides. And when you said you started standing up for your rights, what do you mean and how? I'd also like to know the exact way to perform Istikhara and all the duas for it. I would like to talk to my dad when he comes and perform the istikhara and tell him whatever Allah guides me to is what I will do if he agrees with letting me do the istikhara prayer.
Assalamoalaikum,
I am so glad to hear from you. And my advice if of any help, I would be more than happy to give it to you.
I was exactly like you always having in mind not to disrespect my parents by telling my wish. Although now too I face problems but they are much lighter than the ones when I used to keep everything bottled up inside me for everyone else's happiness. So I too need your prayers my Sister.
Sister perform Istikhara . There is a link on the top of this page. And do your Duas and prayers and seek for Allah(s.w.t)'s guidance and Inshallah you will see everything going in the right direction.
Standing up for your right means as I said it's your life and your choice. Talk to your Dad about it. Explain everything to him. Before doing so read Ayat ul Kursi and go for it. Your Dad loves you so much. Make him understand how you feel. And see where it goes. See how you can work it out. Tell him you need your career and everything that you said here. I hope Inshallah he will understand.
Meanwhile I will pray for you.
You are really a very intelligent, strong and shining young girl . Inshallah if Allah(s.w.t) wills everything will work out for you if its good for you.
Regarding activities, I understand that they don't let you go out. You can do many things at home too. You can buy a DVD and do yoga to relax and have peace of mind. You can buy some equipment and do exercise at home too. I do the same as I don't have much time to go to gym and come back so it's more easy at home.
And you can go with your girl friends to spas, to Islamic lectures, to dinners etc. You can help people around you in some way or the other. It really feels good, even if it's just a bit chit chat about positive good thoughts.
Write in back if you want to ask anything more.
Take care of yourself.
Masalaam
I just told my mom I don't like my cousin and I don't want to marry him... the first thing she said to me was "then who do you like thats why you want to leave him cause you like someone else and then he'll leave you like these Americans come and go with girls" I felt like breaking into tears but I held it till I got to my room. It pissed me and I said "yes it is cause i like someone else" and i screamed it and I left to go to the bathroom. When I came back , she asked me "tell me who you like" I just smiled and walked away and then she asked why I'm being like this and I told her she and my dad ruined my life getting me engaged at 15 and I didn't know anything and that I was just a little kid. She said "you won't find anyone better than him" and I told her "I don't want to marry, I don't want to marry anyone and remain single my whole life" and she said "who's saying your gonna get married" She thinks I'm gonna grow up being 18 and just marry him. She doesn't understand anything... I'm in tears right now writing this but they don't get it! The thought of the fact that I want to finish my education never came to her but instead the thought that I like someone else! This is what I mean by everyone thinks wrong! EVEN MY PARENTS! :"( And everyone will talk bad things about me like my own mom just thought bad and that too my fiance is my cousin! I have no choice but to marry him. :"( The only person that understands me is my 15 year old cousin and she told me to talk to my and she told me I deserve better but everyone thinks my fiance is an angel and the best and smartest. I have a right to choose what kind of guy I like right? Well my fiance drinks and smokes!! I can't stand the smell of cigarrette at all! I feel like throwing up around the smell of cigarette and alcohol is not only haraam but it causes for a guy to violent! This one time my fiance told me to "shut the f*** up" because I told him to stop acting like he knows everything. He always acts like he knows everything and tell me I know you this and you that. I didn't message him for four days and he messaged me screaming saying "what is this supposed to mean" and like I said.... I don't like talking to him maybe he can have some patience and wait for me start having some feelings for him... I don't know what to do. Because of this, I have started doing bad in school and im really depressed. I have so much more to talk about I just don't know where to start and what to say or how to explain. I'm sorry for writing so much but I need someone to pour out my feelings to 🙁
Oh my dear sweet girl you're still too young I'm a parent myself you do have a rigt to chose whom u wish to marry listen sweetheart you're very smart and bright if your mom doesn't understand explain it to her even if there isn't another person u like tell her how u wish to finish ur education first ... Dont assume she or anyone can read ur thoughts and speak up u do not deserve such treatment it breaks my heart about ur situation I really wish I could help u :/ INSHALLAH have patience maybe ur mom is just old school so she assumes u will just marry please stay calm all is ok and u know what let ppl talk thy talk anyways so who cares its ur life and ur happiness u greatly deserve it I will pray for u 🙂 but relax for now try explains things to her in detail and stay calm tell her what u want and that when u r ready to marry u will b of the right age I as a mother only have two sons but u r a female and I feel like as if I would b seeing all this happen to my own sister since u two are around the same age group .. All I can say is that u must be strong and stand ur ground cz the abuse and ignorance being made at u is not good don't give up flowergirl <3'
I would also like to add that I want to keep myself busy by joining a sport or club or going to YMCA or gym but like I said, my parents don't let me do anything. Just home and getting abused by my brother.
Sa flowergirl mashallah you are a very strong young lady. You gave been through di much yet your still standing and being patient. Sister just remember Allah SWT loves ans and rewards the patient greatly and that after all hardship comes ease. It's our duty to obey Allah and pray asking for his help ALlah lives those who seek his help. Please sister return to your daily prayers and ask Allah to help you and all Muslims including your abusive brothers to return to the right path. Your patience will pay off inshallah. الله مع الصابرين
Thank You for your advice Sister, I appreciate it 🙂
Maybe you could live with another family member ? But yes I understand what you mean of course dishonoring ur parents is out of the question but seek ALLAH no matter what happens because you are strong and you are beautiful some ppl in this world just don't understand that's all.. And if you wear a hijab then let others speak because I think it's a sign of great respect and beauty 🙂 your courages flowergirl and I admire you because you have great strength I'm glad others and I were able to advise you and your time of happiness is on its way keep your head up girl you'll see it soon ! Remember some ppl in this world live, others just exist... It's your life so now you need to know which one you wish to do (;
Haha your response made me smile, thanks 🙂
Salaam Sister
I am really sad to hear your story, I see the same issues in my brother's household, my nephew treats my niece like this and it breaks my heart and I am powerless to do anything. My sister in law is like your mother.
But your story gives me hope that maashallah you have such a beautiful spirit and you will hold your own one day and Allah (swt) is building your endurance and strength so that one day you will bloom into the amazing character you were meant to be inshallah.
I will pray for you sister, dont let them break your spirit and keep persevering.
Thank you for your advice Sister I appreciate it. But I'd like to add you shouldn't just watch that happening! You're an elder and you can speak up against and help your neice... please don't let her go through what I did. I wish I had someone who would notice and get me out of this... please help her. Going through this will lead her to think and do very wrong things.
Your story gives me hope for my niece, I pray that Allah(swt) eases your burden inshallah.
Thank you Sister 🙂
Salam FlowerGirl,
My daughter too will graduate from high school next year so I can relate to your age well. As a mother, I don't tolerate anyone within my family abusing anyone in my home...period. Last year my older son beat my daughter horribly and my daughter called 911. Long story short, my son went to jail and to that I say..."good". No one has the right to lay a hand on you...no one. My husband thinks his son can do no wrong and did everything he could to protect him, even when our son went to jail. Never did he inquire how our daughter was and she was so hurt and rightly so. She didn't feel he cared at all about her. Even when we had to go to court, my daughter had to sit there and lie to the judge about what happened in order to save his skin. Don't get me wrong, I love my son but his hands belong in his pockets...never on another person, especially his younger sister!
FlowerGirl, listen to me and listen to me well. No one controls you or the decisions you make but you. No one has the right to force you to marry someone not of your choosing. Who cares if people talk about you if you don't marry this guy? Let them talk. Will those very people be there when you end up marrying some guy you don't want to and you are not happy? You are right...you are too young to have children and you darned well have every right under the sun to pursue your dream of an education!
FlowerGirl, it really saddens me that as you approach your senior year that you even have to worry about getting married right now. It's your last year of school...a time to study hard and focus on doing well...period. There are a million Muslim men in the world and there is no need to rush to marry, especially to this person who doesn't even have the respect for you while putting his hand under your shirt. Or...kissing you. What? He can't take the time to get to know you as a person? No wonder you are so put off! In a relationship, love and respect grow with time...not overnight.
Its a shame that your mother does nothing when your brother hits you. By her not taking action at all, it just makes your brother feel all the more in control because he knows he has to answer to no one. Its a shame really.
Continue to work hard at school. Try not to let the comments at home by anyone discourage you from doing what you are. Continue to do your best and keep your salat. If anything, your salat will give you comfort and lift your heart. Remember FlowerGirl...no one can force you to marry anyone at all. It is your choice to make, no one else's. Don't simply agree to a marriage because you fear people will talk. People talk no matter what...ignore them.
FlowerGirl...you are special and you are important. You have goals in this life and dreams like we all do. Keep your head up and make decisions based on what you like and want, not the whims of others.
Hugs from me to you!
PS...If I rambled, I'm sorry. It was late at night when I saw your post and just knowing your the same age as my own daughter saddened me that you are going through so much.
I don't mind anything at all and I think you and your daughter did a good thing about your son because I know what it feels like to go through all this. Thank you so much for your post it brought tears to my eyes and my mom... all she says to me is "maybe you should listen to him and this won't happen to you" Thank you so much... I have got much more courage now and I will sit and talk to my dad when he gets back from my country. I don't know what to say, I feel like I have found another mother in you, thank you so much :'')
FlowerGIrl,
Thank you for your sweet words. I really do hope that you will make a stand for yourself. With all the courage and strength that you can muster, speak with your father with respect and kindness. Just ask him to listen to you and what you have to say. There is no harm in doing so and who knows...he may have no idea how you are feeling about being engaged to someone you do not wish to marry. You might also bring up the fact that due to your brother beating on you whenever he feels like it, it is bringing you down and you are feeling depressed as a result. Family should love one another and be there for one another. If your own brother can beat you and your mother thinks nothing of it, how will she feel if you marry a man who beats you? Would that also be okay with her? Of course that is a hypothetical question but you know where I'm coming from.
My own husband is an Arab and he believes the use of his hands is quite alright...I on the other hand do not. To me, a man using his hands to beat a girl or woman shows he is nothing more than a coward. A real man would not hit a woman...ever. I wish you the best of luck when speaking with your father. Maybe just the two of you could go for lunch or dinner so you can speak freely without anyone listening to what you have to say or interrupting you and not letting you get out what it is you have to say. Best of luck to you. Have a great week at school and keep up your hard work!
Salam!
Thank you 🙂 🙂 I will talk to my dad. Pray for me because I talked to mom and it didn't mean anything to her. I replied to one of the posts above explaining what happened when I told my mom. I would like it if you read it and got back to me about it. And yes your right, my mother wouldn't care one bit if my husband would be beating me up. She would just tell me I'm the one doing something wrong. And again, Thank you so much 🙂
Salam FlowerGirl,
My husband sounds a bit like your mom...always assuming the worst in any given situation. Why does there have to be a reason for everything? Sometimes things just are! Just be straight with your mom and tell her I don't want to marry him and it's not going to happen. Tell her that there is absolutely no chemistry between the two of you and you could care less who he is...cousin or not. In the end of the day, you can't argue what Islam teaches and Islam says it is forbidden to force a woman to marry against her will. Surely your parents understand that and it is a sin upon them to force you.
So let me get this right, your cousin smokes...drinks, has no respect for you, talks to you using foul language, puts his hand up your shirt and your mother thinks you won't do any better than him?! He sounds like a real winner to me...not. No wonder you are climbing the walls!
This whole scenario is reminding me of my husbands niece. Some years back, my husbands niece was engaged. She didn't want it...she fought it and no one would listen. I swear the day of her ghumra (a Saudi traditional gathering where the girl has henna applied to her hands and so forth in a decorative fashion), she looked as though someone had died. Even her own mother could not smile and it was so obvious to anyone there that this girl was in her own hell. Would anyone listen? No. No one cared. They all basically told her to suck it up and marry the guy. Didn't last even a year and he was abusive to her. She has never remarried and most likely will never remarry at all.
I feel so bad for you having to deal with all of this at a time when you should only be worrying about finishing school and enjoying your friends. This just isn't right at all. I really do hope for you that your father will listen to you and what you have to say. You need to tell your father that you are struggling in school and your grades are falling due to the pressure that has been placed upon you. Just open up to him and say what you need to say. In the end, the reality is...no one can force you to marry someone you don't want to. If you stand your ground and be firm, you are not going against Islam and it's teachings. Let you parents know that if they love you and want what is best for you, they need to listen to you and stop forcing something upon you that you clearly do not want.
Salam
Assalam oalykum wr wb.Jazkiallahu khairan for taking out time and expressing your problem.
May allah swt give all our muslim ummah the wisdom to follow his deen and to parents so that they can can imply and make there kids do the same ameen.
FIrstly indeed i could figure out the frustration,pain. anger,grudge in you while writing this question here.As i know from where you hail from,i understand firmly and it quite common there for getting engaged to older guys.
I would be concise,blunt and speak you in steps :
STICK TO ISLAM AND ALLAH WILL HELP YOU AND TO THOSE ALLAH SWT HELPS NO ONE CAN HARM THEM. AS U SAID THAT YOU HAVE FIRM BELIEVE IN HIM SO TO PORTRAY THE FIRM BELIEVE YOU HAVE TO OFFER SALAH AS INDEED ALLAH SWT SAID THAT THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MUSLIM AND NON MUSLIM IS SALAH.
>>I am very happy and felicitate you for your courage and patience which you have put up till now,, subhanallah may allah swt bless you ameen . and give hidaya,wisdom to your parents ameen.
1)As earlier a brother said first step is salah.. and that is the winning number INDEED .First step is always the harder step. PLEASE and most most important of all the reason for this kind of atmosphere to exist at your home is due to shaitan . I advise you dont forget to read ayatal kursi after every salah and READH LAST TWO VERSES OF SURAH BAQARAH BEFORE NIGHT
.Abu Hurairah (radi Allahu anhu) reported that the Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said, "Do not turn your houses into graves. Shaitaan is barred from any house in which Surat al-Baqarah is recited." [Sahih Muslim]
2) Repent for your sins ,show some remorse on that. sins for not offering salah , sins for cheating your fiance ,sin for what your fiance did and you did not revolted to that.. though you didnt had feeling for him. Elhamdulilah YOU SHOULD BE GLAD AND PRAISE ALLAH that you haven't transgressed and saved your virginity .
3)I agree that being alone and depressed ,sad urges you to hug somoeone.. love someone to whom you can trust. but remmeber this cant be an alibi to commit a sin in no case!! sin is a sin in whatever circumstances you hold.
4)Your family is no doubt wrong. indeed and they cant never force you for marriage BECAUSE ITS HARAM IN ISLAM !! TO FORCE SOMEONE TO MARRY WITHOUT THERE CONSENT.THERE ARE NUMEROUS AUTHENTIC HADEETH IN THIS REGARD.
5)START READING QURAN WITH TRANSLATION AND SPEND TIME IN IT SO THAT YOU CAN LEARN AND SPREAD IT ALSO MANIFEST THAT YOUR PARENTS ACTIONS ARE NOT PRESCRIBED IN ISLAM.:) because when you have Quran and hadeeth to back you no one can say you wrong or harm you.
Its like super power to support you 😉 so why do u need to get scared with powerless atoms.
6)doing hijab doesn't meant just in apparel(i again congratulate you for being in hijab till now though you were taken by criticism ) ,you should indeed bring hijab in your actions, intentions and behavior.. Maintain the distance between boys .PRECAUTION IS BETTER THAN CURE. THE MORE YOU ARE AWAY THE BETTER ITS FOR YOU .
7)Islam doesnt stop women to learn , grow or to do job but this all should be in limit ,.
8) The best way to lower the nafs, lust in you is to fast 2 days in a week monday and thursday indeed.
You are a very good girl indeed.
And see the difference if you imply these things.. Make a habit of reading quran in leisure , THIS MIGHT SOUND BORING TO YOU BECAUSE THE SHAYTAN MAKES YOU PERCEIVE THAT .but infact you surely feel the serenity,tranquility and peace inside you .
Take care .and i am here to listen your whole book inshallahu taala.
Fee amanalalh
Thank you so much for your comment 🙂 You are absolutely right about everything you said and a sin is always a sin in any circumstance but the thing is I'm so depressed and lonely and not loved that I don't regret kissing that guy so how am I supposed to ask for forgiveness for my sin? I feel so shame but how can I ask for forgiveness when I don't even regret it. I'm sorry if I sound wrong but I am being honest. I don't know I can't even regret it no matter how hard I think about it 🙁
Slm sister
I hope that ur situation has changed since this post. I feel like enveloping u in my arms to give u a hug. U r mature beyond your years and I hope u continue to maintain some sort of positivity. Its posts like these that encourage me to raise my son's to know that respecting women is of paramount importance. I hope ur father is able to understand and protect you wen he gets back home Inshallah. I wish u all the best dear sister. You are an inspiration.
Thank You Sister.... no nothing has changed... I'm getting more and more lonely everyday.... I know what Islam says.. but the people from my country are really messed up... they don't care about anything but their honor and name... There's not one day that goes by and I don't cry... All my mom does is scream and cuss me out 24/7... she doesn't talk me in a proper manner EVER... I don't know what to do... I smile it off in front of everyone and act like I have the best life ever... And my fiance... I know he's my future but I don't like him in a way that I want to be with him or lust or chemistry or whatever you want to call it.... I feel so bad because he always gets upset and tells me why I don't message him back or take days to reply to one message and never call him... even if he calls me I don't feel like talking to him.... I just don't have that type of feelings for him and I feel bad cause he does love me or so he says...He's my future but personally to me... He's like NO ONE... I feel like I'm hurting everyone :"( I'm so lonely... I really need someone to hug I feel really unloved and unwanted.. I just can't do it anymore... I know this is wrong but in my head, I always imagine that what if this or that happened then I could get away from home... from my family... from everyone. I'm really sorry i wrote so much... this was like nothing to all of what I could say.
Salam Flowergirl,
Sorry to hear things have not changed for you. Have you had a moment to talk to your father about your feelings? If you haven't, try to sit down with him and talk things through. I think what makes things even worse for you is that you are having to keep these feelings you have all bottled up. It is important for you to express yourself and the concerns that you have. I encourage you to take the initiative and tell your father you wish to speak to him. He may not even be aware of how you feel. Just do it. God willing he will listen to what you have to say and consider your feelings in all of this. Sending cyber hugs your way. 🙂
Salam
Yeah sure I would like your number... I really need someone who I can turn to anytime and let it all out... I don't have anyone in my life who I could trust anyway... Thank you so much.
We don't allow the exchange of personal contact information on this website. Are you seriously ready to call up some guy who you don't even know (and a non-Muslim to boot)? And "trust" him with your personal problems? Why would you do that? Don't you know you are setting yourself on a path to sin, and just asking for trouble?
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
(link deleted by the editor)
That's my facebook page, maybe we can chat there. I wish the editor would hear me out and see that I'm a good person, providing care and honest help is in my nature.
Erik,
Please stop posting your facebook page. It won't be approved by us. We do not allow exchange of personal contact information for everyone's protection.
Whether you are good by nature or not is not something we are sure about. Plus, such interaction between non relative male and a female can lead to a lot of evils. Hence, we will NOT give your link to her.
If you're so helping in nature, then feel free to post your helping comments on this page instead of a privet conversation.
Thanks,
Muhammad Waseem
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sorry Muhammad. I understand what you mean. I assure you that I am not one to spread any type of evil, I promise I am a trustworthy person, please give me a chance? I am very helpful. I will not post my personal info anymore. I'm sorry if I've been a nuisance at all, I'm just very worried about her.
Thank you.
Erik, you've already repeatedly ignored my request not to write contact information here. That tells me already that you are not a respectful person, and definitely not someone to whom I would refer a young woman who is vulnerable.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sorry Wael, the only reason I posted my facebook link is because there was a field titled website available, I didn't realize it was against terms. Again, I will not post anymore personal info, I understand.
You understand how she feels?
Are you a girl? A muslim girl? Do you have abusive brothers?
Oh!!! you have a girlfriend who was kinda muslim.. Well that makes you an expert in knowing muslim girls problems. I bet that if you go on a plane, the moment you land you would think yourself to be a pilot.
We muslims also believe in God. Did you know that? Of course not it is not the god that you created from your understanding and desires.
I don't think you do understand and it's seriousness also who's to say you won't end up manipulating this girl especially know what emotional and physical state she's in .. Ur not a girl so you wouldn't understand how she feels all u have is your sympathy for her and I see ur point of view as well but honestly ask urself also in what way can u really help her even when she's already tempted to do things she shouldn't ?! And if u can help then getting personal with a girl a Muslim girl then to be honest it's best if she stay on a halal path and not be brought to a haram one ...
#i think ur maturity is much more dan ur age so sit down with the guy tell him that if he realy loves u he should allow you to finish ur education b4 getin married. If he should wait till when u finish ur degree by not marrying another lady den make him happy by marring him and vice versa which will result to a beta guy #again u said u need someone to show u love why dont u love dis guy transform him by prayer and ur high level of maturity becouse he may be d best guy for u. after dat keep the promise
Been a while, hope she's okay.
OP: I know its haram to have any sexual contact with even your fiance but the very next morning the first day we talked my fiance kissed me and already reached under my shirt. I didn't like it at all! I was only 15 and I never thought about this stuff! I didn't have any feelings for him in that way too, but I didn't say anything and when I finally told him its haraam...
Did you marry him?
good luck please 🙁