Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Abusing, controlling mother in law, ruined my marriage, my life, I feel dead inside…

in laws, cooking, baking, mother in law, strict, abusive

Strict mother in law

Salaam to all the sisters.

It breaks my heart to read all the problems of my married sisters. I have and still going through the abuse and mentally torture from my in-laws speacially mother in law. I don't even know where to start and where to stop and what to tell and what not. I am extrely tired, abused mentally and physically i feel isick all the time couldn't sleep couldn't smile from within,i pray to Allah to help us husband and wife because we both got married at a very young age and obviously can not afford Our own personal accomodation. We he have been married more than two and half years and those were a living hell only i know how i prayed to Allah to grant me sabr to just pass the time as i am never been happy from my heart,  never have the freedom to live my life with my husband. Our inlaws are extremely jealous because my husband had a good, educated and respectable wife. My mother in law specially couldn't stand me from the day one i got married and came to her house.

She bangs our room door at midnight and start yelling at us cursing my husband and me for locking the door and one time she even yelled "were you guys doing sex? Tell me?"(nauzubillah) me as nd my husband got numbed hearing such shameful thing. My husband said what you have to do with it? Should we ask you before doing it? We both were just talking, whats your problem? And then she started a whole big fasaad out of it. Its the story of everyday in my husband and my life. Mother in law wants my husband to leave me so she could own her son and she wants him to marry her nieces which is the biggest sin according to Allah and his Rasool. She badmouth My husband as soon he leaves the house to do some work.

She says the worst and evil things as bout her son that i wanna put fingers in my ears and start screaming but obviously i am not allowed to stop her, or say that i am hurt we can't take your abuse anymore please never do it again. And then when my hubby comes back she flips her face and talks to him so sweetly that i become so shocked on her cleverness that how a woman can be so hypocrite and is shaytan even worst than her, her mind is the house of shaytan's planning and plotting and believe me or not she scares me. She shows mus by doing all that my life and my hubby's life is in her hands, she is the boss. She even told me to leave my husband as he can't do nothing for me against her will. When i come to my room i start crying hysterically i thought what is Allah doing with me? Please take me far away from her and my other evil inlaws that are with her in plotting against us. She acts so sweet in front of other people when she meets them. she acts like angel and the most innocent woman you have ever seen on earth. It just torns my hear even more.

My life is living hell because i am living in her house?
If i will tell anyone they will never believe me, that she can do such things to us. She is horribly double faced. My husband loves her even after seeing what she really is, one day when he tell her that he will leave the house with me because it's enough, she threaten him that she will make us bad in everyone's eyes and will zaleel us and take badla from us both. Other inlaws are also with her. My family doesn't support me they say It's ok. How is it ok??? Because all of them are not living my life and are happy in their own saparate homes? I am pakistani and i know all pakistani inlaws are like mines, but we can't do nothing about it right? Bahu is meant to be abused but i have always kept a smile on my face infront of everyone and never ever told anyone how i am living a hell.


M.i.l is scared of other bahus becoz they have family support on Their back, and the other bahus refused to live with her and in her house, even her sons take their wives sides and listens to their wives orders like a servant. I am shocked at how parents stand behind their daughters after marriage, no matter how much a saas plays sweet, they never let their daughter live with susral And girls like me with no family support live tortured life by evil mother in laws and then become bad bahu inspite of all the sacrifices and Heart bleed. I used to serve 12 and more of my inlaws everday, cook alone by myself serving breakfasts saparetly in their rooms, picking empty trays from their beds, washing the dishes then again prepare for other, while me and my hubby used to becempty stomach, no one ever bothered. then it was time for lunch and so on, most of the time i was sick, inspite of all that my sister in law, father in law and mother in law treated me with no respect, coundn't go anywhere with husband, she always force to go with us no privacy, we take her eith us most of the time ouourselve but she won't go us alone ananywhere. She wants us to keep our door open till she sleeps at night.

I also had a miscarriage at early stage due to heavy stress, i was in very bad condition. I thought i was going to die, extreme bleeding and i blacked out, i barely crawled and dropped on the bed, i could hardly breathe. Blood was everywhere, my hubby panicked he screamed your face is fully blue, my mother in law came but she didn't reacreact or worried, she listened the whole story and then said yes it was a miscarriage and then walked out, she never took me to a gynacologist, she didn't gave me something to eat, my husband rushed and made me a sandwich etc. And the worst part, with that condition i made food for myself and my hubby. Yes, that's what i am going through still... These are just some of the things that i shared.


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20 Responses »

  1. Wa alaikum as salam.
    He can marry his cousins first of all, it's not a sin in Islam. I feel very sorry for you. Try to sit down and talk to your husband about all the things you said here. It's better if you love separate from your mother in law, or if that's not possible ask your husband what you are supposed to do in this situation.

    • I hope your husband gets married to his "cousins" in your presence and existence... As it is ok with you but i am sorry to tell you that i am not. Allah bless

    • susan, your comment is mean-spirited and juvenile. I only published it so that I could correct your misconception about all Muslims going to hell. That is completely incorrect. I don't know where you got that.

      Wael Editor

  2. You need to get out of that environment and house and away from that mother in law. Tell your husband enough is enough and you need a separate accomodation. She can spread whatever rumours she likes. You dont need to care what people think just care what Allah swt thinks. Dont worry about her empty threats. You dont have family support but you have Allah swt. Dont stress yourself out. Try to persuade you family to back you up.Next time she asks are you having sex say Yes and Whats your problem. Dont be timid.Fire back at her insults till she back down. Of you are quiet they will walk all over you. I know most pakistani MIL are like that .I can certainly understand. I am not pakistani so it was total shock for me initially and they lower your self esteem and make you feel worthless. Even my husband doesnt stick up for me always his moms side. Iam 8 months pregnant with a girl and in laws are creating a nightmare becuase they want a boy.Iam happy with whatever Allah swt gave me and its not like anyone has choice on gender of a baby. Sometimes i just curse them on the inside when i run out of patience and feel helpless and they are half way around the world.if i was living with them i would have probably beaten my mil by now.

    • Dear Sister,

      I truly hope you didn't mean it when you said you'd beat up your MIL if she lived with you. After all she is human, however flawed she may be.

      I understand that sometimes our in-laws can give us a hard time (I have a set of my own), but we have to be patient with them. After all, they raised our husbands to be the great men that they are and the least they deserve is respect for this.

      -Helping Sister

      • No i didnt mean literally. I wouldnt hit a fly. And no she didnt raise good man. All she taught her children was how to lie and use people. Such people deserve no respect. The things that she has done i dont think anyone who fears Allah swt is capable of doing.She told my husband to have affairs because i kept having miscarriage and didnt have children for 2 years.She made him physically abuse me while i was pregnant. She said that will sort me out! So she gets no respect from me.

        • I’m really sorry to read about what you’re going through. Your anger is justified. However we all have choices in life. You can either choose to stay with someone who is abusive and has no respect for you or you can cut your losses and move on in life. It’s easier said than done but there really is no point being married and lonely. Perhaps your miscarriage is a blessing in disguise so you can re-think about the status of your marriage and the most pressing issue on hand: your abusive husband.

          -Helping Sister

        • I agree with you sister it's awful how bad and ignorant inlaws can be specially MIL and FIL an then husbands follow their evil advices like they areblind. I can feel how hurt you are i have gone through the same... I appreciate the advice you.gave me sister I am glad there is someone who can feel my pain and say i am not wrong and i.should move out, where on the other hand one member sana wrote my husband can marry his cousins as it is ok in islam? Wow like i didn't know that it is permitted in islam? Of course i know but i will never allow him to marry another! I cant understand how ignorant and emotionless people can be
          be. Smh

        • I agree with you mwen sister it's awful how bad and ignorant inlaws can be specially MIL and FIL an then husbands follow their evil advices like they areblind. I can feel how hurt you are i have gone through the same... I appreciate the advice you.gave me sister I am glad there is someone who can feel my pain and say i am not wrong and i.should move out, where on the other hand one member sana wrote my husband can marry his cousins as it is ok in islam? Wow like i didn't know that it is permitted in islam? Of course i know but i will never allow him to marry another! I cant understand how ignorant and emotionless people can be
          be. Smh

  3. My in laws helped break my marriage - I don't understand how awful these people's behaviour is!! May Allah swt guide them. Although the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, if your husband is decent and good to you then continue to develop your relationship with him, and gently persuade him to get seperate accomodation. It needs to be him who confronts your mother in law and organises accomodation. In the mean time continue to be civil, try to stay out of her way and ignore whatever vile words come out of her mouth. I pray Allah swt makes things easy for you and gives you all the happiness you have dreamed of, ameen.

    • Thanks bucks i appreciate your kind words. I am so sorry to hear that your marriage was also ruined by your in laws... May Allah grant you sabr and so much happiness in up coming life Ameen

  4. Asalamoalaikum Sister,

    I'm truly sorry to hear about your pain and struggles. I commend you for your patience and Allah swt will surely reward you for this.

    With regards to your marriage, I'm glad to hear your husband is somewhat supportive towards you and it seems like he understands the difficulty his family is putting you through. I suggest you continue to be kind, merciful and gentle with him. He is in a difficult position. On one side are his parents who have reared him throughout his life and on the other side is his wife, someone who he's going to spend the rest of his life with, inshAllah. I understand it’s difficult to see him loving his parents after what they’ve put you through, but this love is put in his heart from Allah swt, just like his love for you is put in his heart from Him as well. Work hard to not get create a distance between yourselves as this is essentially what your in-laws want. Try not to complain about your in-laws in front of him all the time as well (unless they really misbehave with you) as this may hurt or frustrate him (after all, they are his parents) and result in him drifting away from you. Pick your battles wisely.

    I also highly suggest that your husband and you should put your foot down. You both need to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with your in-laws. Explain to them that their behaviour is negatively impacting your lives and they have two options:

    1.) They can either choose to change their selfish and unkind ways for the better so there will be harmony in the home. That means you will no longer be their servant. You will choose to serve them out of your kindness and to reciprocate the love and respect they will give you. Your husband and you will no longer go empty stomach. Both of your needs will be considered just as important as theirs. And there will have to be some privacy between you both and the rest of the family. It is unacceptable and very disturbing to read your MIL's interference in your intimate lives. This is haram and something she needs to steer far away from.

    2.) They can continue behaving the same way. However there will be consequences and that means that both of you will need to move out (even if it is in a basement of someone's home on a rental basis) for your own sanity, happiness and well-being. At that point it won't matter if they choose to cry, emotional manipulate or slander you both in front of others. You both have to think about your well-being and future. Other people are not going to come and wipe your tears so the last thing you both need to worry about is what others will think or say.

    If your In-laws begin to act out and create chaos, you can kindly let them know that they can take a few days to think about what has been discussed and inform you of their answer when they are calm and collected.

    Remember dear sister, you both need to go through with your words. I understand this may be difficult for your husband but unless he doesn't stand up for himself and his marriage, things will only worsen and a wedge will be created between you both. I’ve seen and heard of many couples divorcing at the end when the man cannot stand up for his family.

    -Helping Sister

    • Walaikum Salam helping sister
      Thank you so much for your concern and thanks for the time you took to read and reply to my problems it means alot... I will like to tell you that we habe tried option 1 countless times but no use... MIL has always denied that she has done anything wrong to us and she just easily say i have done nothing wrong you husband and wife will be going to hell etc etc believe me sister she is not the one who stops her wrong doings because she is awfully arrogant and far away from Islamic teachings... Option 2 is our only chance. My husband is not all that supportive, in his heart he doesn't wanna move out and always trying to pick a fight with me and pretending he doesn't have enough money to move out and trust me he spends much more money on himself more than the possible accommodation rent

  5. OP: She bangs our room door at midnight and start yelling at us cursing my husband and me for locking the door and one time she even yelled "were you guys doing sex? Tell me?........... Mother in law wants my husband to leave me so she could own her son and she wants him to marry her nieces

    How old are you? How did you meet your husband?

  6. Assalam alaikum,

    You are in a seriously abusive environment. At the same time, your husband appears to know that what you are going through isn't right.

    In order to be happy, first you have to really foster your relationship with your husband and ignore 100% what anyone says. If they knock on your door and say nasty things, ignore it and carry on, if they put you down, ignore it and smile, change the topic and kill them with kindness and ignore it. I know, this isn't easy, but sometimes this is the only option. Considering you don't have family support and considering that you may be living in Pakistan/India, you probably have limited options. What you are going through is very common, I have seen girls in my own family suffer in this way--to the point that they are not allowed to talk to their husbands too much in front of others, let alone sitting next to one another for dinner. It is ridiculous and inexcusable, but some abusive cultural practices in some of those countries are carried through under the cover of our beautiful Deen, Islam.

    If you can, try to arrange living separately OR somehow separate the areas in which you live from your in-laws in the same house--this is possible and I have seen this done. Talk to your husband about having privacy while still living with your in-laws--maybe this is the wake-up call your MIL needs.

    Do not fight or yell back at your MIL--I know how hard this can be--but Inn shaa Allah you will be rewarded for it--Set a schedule for yourself to be healthy, when you get up, how and what you eat, resting, doing work etc...and stick to it. And whoever tries to break this pattern, simply stick to your plan--if you become determined and devoted to your health and yourself, and seek strength from remembering Allah swt, trust me, your in-laws will be confused as to how to bring you down. This is only a power struggle. Recognize what it is and combat it with strong, healthy behaviour which begins with you.

    May Allah swt increase the love between you and your husband, soften your MIL's heart, ease your problems and bring upon you a solution that you have not even dreamed of, Ameen.

  7. hello sister,

    i think we both have same life your story is same same like me my mom in law also want my husband to leave me and get married to her niece who is the wife of his younger son who has die last 3yrs back i can feel your pain as mine but i kept on fighting so keep hope and never stop praying

    • I am so sorry hear your problem sister i know this pain is unspeakable, words are too small to explain the pain... This is not fair how can your husband get married to his brother's wife in your presence?? How ignorant and evil are your in laws... What does your husband says about this matter? Do you have any support from your parents?

  8. All sisters married into abusive Pakistani families please b notified every abuse that u mention here is all a set up drama so much hard wired that u won't b able to differentiate that if its for real or a drama but it is all a setup to control ur life. It will not change and never end in short. And alahh helps those who help themselves so u need to take the first step and then see how u will b happy again . only option out is to get another place even if its abasement if u need time for this to get ur family's support or friends help to get basement then take ur time but until then bear thinking ur gonna move out for gud so yes u must ignore them as much possible and considered health first to get the energy to get out of this mess

    This is the only way believe me there is no other way don't leave I ur husband just talk to him take anyone's help to get out of that house and yes totally ignore what khaandaan will think believe me once u stop thinking what they wud think to move out wil b very easy try it bnice to them but slowly let them know ur moving out if they say v will make u look bad in front of khaandaan say my husband needs privacy and please have children for this even if khaandaan comes to u sayv need to have children and v cannot in this house say its too crowded u need to take things piece by piece first break them apart slowly like get ur own p!lace ur mil may say I'll stay with u say ok bcuz dealing with one wud b easier than living with all those who support her u see my point u gotta play thus game to not divorce ur husband it will work insha Allah.

    Either ur mil wont live with u or if she does wait until she lives with u in ur house but if u move to a basement automatically she won't live with u and if she is does believe me have kids right away she will gv problems with ur child so no worries ignore and do what u have to at ur p!ace make new friends call ur family overo stay do take care of her but balanced way soon either she will leave our change but other than this baby Allah will nothing will work.

  9. Assalamualaikum sisters!
    Are you still on this thread?? Please i am also going with rhis situation..I have been married for a year and the mess is started after 2 months of marriage itself..I conceived very soon after marriage Alhamdulillah..but my m.i.l during fights tell my husband that no one conceives so fast..and if there is a fight with my husband,he says take khula..during my 7 mnth pregnancy they send me to my mothers place for delivery as first delivery is done by maika!! During those months also my husband tortured me by saying call his sisters call his mother and ask abouy them daily..if i dont do that he said he wants to give me talaq..when i was admitted in hospital for delivery my husband fighted with me..i am blessed with a cute boy Alhamdulillah..he was having rashes very baddd..I and my father took my son to many doctors..but my husband never came and took my son charge..he dint ask also if the baby needs anytging..they wanted 40 days party..we cant do bcuz my grandfather was hospitalised and my husband became so angry..whenever we had fight he used to become sad and sleep on the sofa in the hall or he wont talk to me..during our fight he dint called to ask about the baby nor did he came to meet..i had c section so he tells that what is that it takes only 7 days to heal..i donno wht to do..shall i stay with him? I know he will not fulfill childs things financially..m.i.l creates fuss between us..she doesnt want my husband to meet my son ..and my husband cannot balance his wife and mother..he always says if i want to be with him..i should obey his mother and married sisters.please help me..they also said that ur grandfather is old he will come and go to hosoitals whats the big deal you should have given the party later two days my grandfather died..on 31st march we had 1st wedding anniversary but he dint wished..neither i ak talking to him cuz whenver i call or msg he dont receive..bcuz of them i suffered high blood pressure bcyz of that only i had c section..i know my hysband wont keep me in other house..and if i live with m.i.l she will create fuss..what to do please do reply please!!

    • It doesn’t seem like there will be a normal, respectable, happy marriage. You married into a culture where men are dominating and will let their mother and sisters make your life hell. He is a jerk an idiot. You don’t want to spend rest of your life with person. He’ll never change. Threatens you with talak when he is the biggest culprit. What a joke.

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