Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Abusive father is ruining our lives

She ran away because she was oppressed


You will have to bear with me as this will probably turn long.
My dad and my sisters and mum live here in the UK with no other family near us. We have never received any love from him, we have witnessed him beating up our mum, destroying lives of other family members, doing fraudulent deals, lying and always always showing himself as the best person there ever is to the outside world. Every sentence he starts will start with an Islamic idea or belief that will turn into a lecture. To the outsiders, he seems like a sincere compassionate believer. Inside the home, he is abusive to the point that each and every member of the family is considering suicide.

As far back as I can remember, it has always been like that. We live on egg shells and we are not allowed to go out, visit anybody, and keep any relations with our family. His view of Islam is that a woman’s work is in the household and he has a right to talk in a bad manner with her. He also has a failed marriage before him with 5 kids as well. I assume the reasons are the same. He has no empathy and restricts everything. Even how spoons are kept in the kitchen must be how he wants, how a dish is washed must be his way. What we wear must be his way – he himself never follows his rules. The list and events can go on and on.

Many a times, I have asked my mother to leave him, given her options but she has always said no, what is the point now? I don’t want you to grow up without a father; however she fails to understand that she has destroyed our childhood and our adult lives. We live in despair and just want to die.

The problem is we know my father is mentally ill because I read it up on the internet. This is the illness he has, it’s called narcissist personality disorder however sadly there is no cure for the disorder therefore we haven’t mentioned it to my father. But its hell to live with and most of the family know about it but no one helps us or does anything. They all watch us and don’t do anything; I will never forgive these people. And my dad’s sisters add fuel to the fire and make everything 100 times worse.

The police in the UK are also useless, somebody made a complaint to the NSPCC and they come home to check on us and said they would be back later. They never returned and that was months ago.

Someone else has mentioned it could be black magic, I don’t know – can black magic take effect when all relatives live abroad and this has been happening since childhood of my dad’s?

I can’t leave behind my mum or my sisters so staying for now is the option. I can’t go anywhere anyway, I am not financially dependent, I have no clue how the world operates and I do not want to unleash a hurricane by running away. Plus only my mum will be blamed as my dad always blames her for our attitudes and bad upbringing.

Can I kill him? Is that Islamically allowed, as the only way the world would be a better place would be if he died? Is it wrong to pray to Allah to take him away from us, to give him death?

Can I expose him? Publish the above story line on social networking sites so that I don't have to lie to anyone anymore. I am too tired to explain to each and every person why my family is like this.

I have said a few times to him that I don't believe in God anymore, I don't think there is any such thing as Islam. This is not what I believe but this is what I had hoped would shock him into changing himself.

We have prayed and read and made dua and done all that is possible for 20 plus years, yet our trails and suffering are not over, why would an all loving Allah not intervene by this point. If he isn't intervening, can I?

Tagged as: , , , , , , ,

8 Responses »

  1. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. But no, it's certainly not allowed to kill anyone! Not by any law or religion is that ever okay! I find it interesting that you are reluctant to take some of the peaceful steps that could help you and your family, but you are not in the same way reluctant and dismissive of the idea of killing your father. I understand your frustration over no one doing anything to help you - but if people don't know the extend of your problems, how can they be blamed? I assume you're old enough to make decisions of your own and speak up for yourself - I understand you don't want to run away and create a big drama. But that's exactly what you need to do, to draw attention to the unacceptable ways your father has been acting. If the police never turned up again, go to them again and be persistent. Talk to your doctor and tell him or her you live in such an abusive environment that you are contemplating suicide on a daily basis. Don't give up asking for help until you recieve some help. Yes, it may take a while to get it, but if you don't stop asking for it it will get to you, inshallah.

    Please forget about doing anything illegal and haram such as killing and suicide. Instead, do everything you can to expose your father and get the help you need.

  2. Assalam alaikum,

    If you have read about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, then you would have also come across what happens to the children of people with NPD. Either they themselves develop NPD or end up suffering from other disorders--in other words, they are not left unaffected.

    I suggest that you get counselling asap. The fact that you would consider taking your father's life is completely unreasonable and when I say this, I speak from a place where I can not only sympathize but also empathize with you.

    The best thing for you and your siblings is to take care of your own affairs and matters and be supports for one another. By continuing to expect your father to change is to put hope in a hopeless place and this will only hurt in the end. Do not disrespect him, just move on with your lives and YES, it is possible.

    I hope that you get counselling for your sake. May Allah make it easy for you, inn shaa Allah, Ameen.

  3. I am very sad to hear of your situation. Get help immediately. There is a good counseling organization that helps victims of domestic violence and abuse. If you are in the UK it is Nour Domestic Violence Organization. They have counselors who can help you get out and get to a shelter if you need to. No child should have to live in abuse eve! Get out before its just to much for you, as you said you want to kill your father. It is time for you to find away out when abuse gets this serious! Counselors at Nour are very sensitive to victims of abuse and they are Muslims that take domestic violence very seriously. Even if your mother stays with your father you and your sisters and family should not have to . This is child abuse and if your mother can not protect you then you still have a right to safety and to go to a shelter for abused victims. Your mother probably feels dependent and helpless especially if she has no job. But you can do something and find out about getting to a shelter. Your safety should be first priority for you and your family. If it has become so bad you want to kill your dad then you need to get out of that abusive home. It is horrible women and children suffer so much abuse . Nour has good Muslim counselors who can help you.

  4. Salam My dear child,

    I am so sorry to hear your story. I hope this message arrives on time to ease your pain, inshallah. As a mother and in a similar situation like yours, I totally understand where you are coming from. Many times, my daughter would share with me the thoughts like wishing herself was not born in this family or wish her father disappear or gone and like you, sometimes she would ask me why stay in the marriage.

    Let me tell you, I choose to stay because there is no other better alternative and I am unable to support my children on my own. My husband does not physically abuse the children but sometimes his rigidity about rules upon women is hard to tolerate and some more...... For my situation, I choose to stay and at the same time I make sure that the family provides a safe and financial stable environment for my children to grow up. I exert all my ability to protect them from any psychological / mental abuse and try my best to counteract and talk to them about any unfair religious related issues. They know and are waiting the day they are old enough and financially independent to move out.

    I know you are hurting, you are angry and you hate him. I know you sometimes wish him go away or dead. It is understandable as you are being abuse emotionally and hurt from inside badly. Your image of Islam or God has been twisted or distorted, I guess. One thing is for sure that you cannot kill him and neither you should have a suicidal thoughts. You need to stay strong and so do your siblings. Be there to support your mother and your sibling. Stay together and support each other.

    Does he abuse you or your family members physically? If he does, there is a prove you may seek help immediately. If it is only emotional abuse, not much you can do as HE IS SICK.

    Here's some survival tips for you: Stay strong, try your best to avoid any contact with your father at home. Do not confront him, stay away from his radar BUT do your chores. Don't let him to pick on you and your siblings. THE MOST IMPORTANT thing is to study good, not only good, but be the best on your field. Study something - a special skill that you can get a job easily. This is no time and it is too luxury to study for your liking. You need to study something you are good at and something that the job market needs. This goes to you and your sibling. Nothing is too late. If you are already out of school, go to study in the evening. YOU NEED TO BE FINANCIAL INDEPENDENT to move away from this situation.

    If you are at school, get as much help as you can from your teacher. Talk to them about your career choice, etc, etc. They can give you advice. Stay after school to study or go to library to study if you do not want to be disturbed by your father. You need to plan smart, don't sulk, look forward. DO NOT take on part time job to distract yourself, focus on your study. DO NOT think getting marry is a solution either.

    Also, go to get some counseling service in your school or in the community. You need to get heal and get support from others. You need to ventilate your anger and helplessness situation.

    Believe me, you cannot change him but you can change your future. Look at it positively, you have the power to change your situation, inshallah. For your father, Allah knows the best about this kind of person, we are not in a position to say he is bad or he deserves to go to hell, etc. What we can do is trust to Allah, keep your salat, don't give up, keep making dua for your mental health and your future, make dua and ask Allah to give you strength to pass this test in the earth and the whole situation.

    Inshallah, by focusing yourself to achieve something rather than blaming your mother or cursing your father Trust me, in no time, you will see you are strong and able to move away to this unhealthy family. Now, stay low and stay focus. (My daughters listen to my advice and they do so good in their study. Inshallah, they will go to college soon and inshallah they can achieve anything they want AND they are keeping good faith in Islam.

    Take care. May Allah's protect you from any harm, may Allah open your heart and eyes to see there is always a light. Our life in this earth is short, our suffering is temporary. Do get help from others.

    May Allah be with you, comforts you, ease your pain and guide you to the right path.

    Unfortunately, he is not an good example to show you the deen but try to separate him with Islam. As you said, he is sick, try to forgive him in your time. I understand that if you cannot now. Ask Allah to give you strength to go through each day.

  5. OP: To the outsiders, he seems like a sincere compassionate believer. Inside the home, he is abusive to the point that each and every member of the family is considering suicide.

    Your father may be suffering from mental illness. Did any one in his family (parents, siblings, grandparents) had any kind of severe mental illness.

    He should be helping you grow, instead he is torturing you. Deep down he is a very insecure man.

    Try to move away from the family any way you can.

    If things are so bad you guys want to commit suicide get your mom divorced. You have to be careful your father may physically hurt members of your family if he knows that you guys want to live him. Has he ever threatened to kill family members

    To the outsiders, your father seems like a sincere compassionate believer. Unfortunately there are many people who pretend to be very religious but are just the opposite in their actions.

  6. assalamualaikum. This sounds like possess with a jinn. If Possible take to a imam to read Quran on him. May Allah make it easy for you and your family.

  7. go register his complaint again and again, then the police will take it seriously. there are anti suicidal support organizations you can discuss this matter with them and they will provide you a solution. if the police dont do anything go to the court and file a case against him and also make a complaint about the police performance to the higher level.

Leave a Response