Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Abusive husband and in-laws… What should I do?

Physical, Verbal, Emotional, Financial... Domestic Abuse is WRONG!

Physical, Verbal, Emotional, Financial... Domestic Abuse is WRONG!

I am a 25 yr old Bangladeshi doctor woman. I have always been over-sensitive, minding small things, keeping them in memory for long, becoming defensive or squirming for days for not having the confidence or the cunningness to answer back sweetly someone who insulted or made fun of me. I was free-willed, pampered and rebellious with my parents at times. I became frustrated easily when things went wrong. I was over-anxious that I would somehow fail and therefore, would start crying before friends before exams, or studying in buses, or sharing my tension with friends. I was very anxious about people’s jealousy and ‘evil eye’. When my relatives or some friends used to irritate me too much, I used to quit meeting them. During my time in medical college, I had understood that I could not take ‘Clinical’ sciences in future because of the stress of emergencies and my inability to tolerate and tackle unreasonable patients’ and attendants’ behavior; ‘Basic medical’ sciences were more suitable for me.

I got married in 2012. My mother-in-law is an excessively talkative, confident in her mischief, arrogant because she got all her rewards of what she calls her hard-work, piety and patience despite her poverty, cunningly friendly, and dominating woman, always boasting of herself and her children, esp daughters, but making sarcastic smiley faces when my unmarried sister walked in or my mother talked admiringly about my married sister as if my mother was boasting. She says things that the listener before her might find interfering, pinching, insulting, patronizing, or double-meaning, but you can't pinpoint her because she says them like she is actually a great well-wisher of yours, or a wise mentor giving grand advices.

My husband idealizes his sisters to the point of being jealous of his younger brother-in-law. He consciously or unconsciously compares me with them. Initially he used to admit it, now he doesn't. He is very prone to giving in to ill thinking about my personality, if I did something different from what his sisters (as well as, as I found out after marriage, maternal family women) did. Also, he can’t see through any cunningness of theirs; he can only see their patience; they are angels and oppressed by their fates and in-laws in his eyes.

One week before my wedding, when i cleared my postgraduation exam, no-one in my susraal showed any joy. My husband, even as a fiance, despite of talking daily on the phone, never bought me any gifts. My elder sister-in-law faked psychological illness. My fiance also told me that whenever we had fights, he used to discuss our issues with her. When my elder sister met her, she told me that she was the sort of woman who took a very keen interest in what others were doing. My younger sister-in-law was also too confident about giving opinions and advices. All in all, in the end, due to misgivings, I did not want to marry, but everyone told me it was too late to change my mind. I did istakhara many times, but no clear-cut answer came, so I got married. But i swear that i had no intentions of causing any 'Fasaad' in my susral.

1st month: First few days of my marriage, I became happy; my husband and I romanced. Even during our one-year engagement, he and I used to have discussions about my career. He hinted once that if I got too stressed with my job, he would make me leave it. But since he used to co-operate with me so much in deciding specialties, clearing interviews, contacting international institutes, I disregarded what he said as joking. I myself suggested once that first we would have family,then I would start my post-graduation. But around my wedding time, i realized that if i wanted to do something, i should start it as soon as i get a chance or i will become lazy due to domestication. Actually, I have always been very fond of doing some sort of post-graduation and earning myself, but I wanted to be a family woman as well. Therefore, I chose a specialty in which I knew there were no overnight duties. I told him so, but didn't know what bad things could happen.

A week after my wedding, interview calls from two hospitals came. One was near my in-laws house; the other was far away. My husband happily took me for the interview of the near one, and even agreed to let me join it two weeks after our wedding. But he forbade me from going for far-away hospital’s interview; I got irritated because I wanted to try out both so that I can know about pros and cons of both of them, and then decide. His elder sister started weeping that it was her fault that we were fighting. During a casual family meeting, my elder sister-in-law told my mother that I should not go for the far-away hospital. Her husband told me that since it was too far away, I won’t be able to look after my family if I joined it and I must not. I told him that it would be better for my family in another way; its timings were shorter and environment less strict, but he kept criticizing, so I became quiet. I told my husband later privately that he had no right to interfere (was I wrong?). I strongly suspect that actually this sister and her husband knew that far-away hospital was more manageable than near hospital, and I would be able to continue it and become a consultant, and they did not want that, because her husband had not as yet allowed her to start residency and being a very wicked and arrogant man, he couldn’t tolerate his brother-in-law to appear better than him by allowing his wife to do something he has not allowed his wife to do (till now, he was the one most praised for supporting his wife and letting her and paying for her to give USA’s license exams), and my sister-in-law was anxious that I shouldn’t get ahead of her. Anyhow, I joined the near hospital, and with the permission of my husband, also went to the far-away hospital for two days for checking it out, but the specialty I chose there was more clinical than the the specialty I had chosen in the near one. I got scared, and shared my fears with my husband, instead of asking the hospital to switch me into non-clinical specialty. Once when this brother-in-law came to my susral, i don't know why but my husband didn't leave his dinner and get up to greet him nor let me. My mother-in-law suddenly came in and saw this and scolded us, although my husband’s younger brother and sister were greeting him.

Anyway, we did not go on any honeymoon at all. I did not know this was a pattern. I recognized it only after some months. We did not have mehndi, honeymoon, aqiqua dawat of our daughter b/c my husband’s younger sister ('N') didn’t have it. Only after my husband had beaten me a lot & her husband had taken her to a trip of Islamabad, did my husband offer to take me to Islamabad, etc too. It was late in my pregnancy, so we couldn't go.

During those early weeks, there were relatives’ treats. In two of them, i admit that i did let myself be upset due to petty reasons. In 3rd, my mother-in-law kept mentioning that her son's tie shouldn't have been forgotten by me, called my mother an arts lecturer (actually, she is a physics associate professor) but i didn't let my mood get off. However, my brother-in-law was upset with me for forgetting to pay salam to him the previous day so i did sat next to him and apologized humbly in front of everybody. My elder sister-in-law did not pay salam to any of my family members at that party although she was greeting everyone else. My husband and I live downstairs, and my in-laws live upstairs. My younger sis-in-law has been living with us since my wedding, because her husband switched jobs sometime back and went to another city. Despite the fact that we did not have honeymoon, my mother-in-law scolded my husband and me three times during the first month of our marriage for not coming up to (i) meet her daughters, (ii) help her in dealing with a plumber, (iii) have dinner two times (she did not actually scold us, but my younger sis-in-law, N, called her brother on the phone). During all these instances, we were having intercourse. The day we did not go up to meet her daughters (I insisted to my husband, he refused), was the day my mother had invited my husband’s family for dinner: fifth party. That night my mother-in-law scolded me alone, then she complained about me to my mother acting as if she was upset because I had not come up for eating and she was concerned for my health although it was because she thought it was an insult that I did not go up to meet her daughters while they were coming to my mother’s invitation, although I had already invited them one day before on the phone. My stupidity was that I sent my husband to buy farewell gifts for my sister’s family, then my sisters-in-law also got ready very late, so my sister was upset when we reached late because they were leaving through a flight that night. My mother-in-law noticed that as well and kept in mind to use against me. Anyway, we had met after 7 years so we all got very emotional. I was hugging my sister and nieces and accidentally, hugged my bro-in-law as well, but may Allah punish me if I lie, I am sure, no body part of mine except my dopatta-covered head and arm must have touched his shoulder or chest for a few minutes (Allah forgive me). My sis had advised me to remain reserved in front of my husband but I forgot her advice.

My mother-in-law used to lie about things to make me look bad. One day she told me she cancelled two dawats because I wanted to visit my mother, although she had said to my mother a few hours before that she herself did not intend to go in them. Similarly, my husband did not take me to his elder bro-in-law’s dawat because I had to visit my mother that day, although I did say I could cancel my visit.

Things went normally until one day, a girl’s wedding came who was a common friend of me and my younger sis-in-law. I started preparing myself extensively thinking that it was appropriate for a newly-wed woman. My sis-in-law, already married for 2 yrs, prepared herself simply. My mother-in-law’s mood became off because her daughter was waiting and because she didn’t get to prepare me herself. My husband called me vulgar words too because I showed my stress on being late. His mood was off during the whole drive, I became sad that instead of seeing how beautiful I was looking, he was angry on being late, although the groom came in half an hour after us. So I became quiet during the drive going and returning in front of my husband and talked to N in a friendly way but very less. Inside the wedding, I talked to her a lot and even said jokingly at my friend’s query that N used to make me work. N showed her disapproval at my joke, I got surprised and apologized. My husband was in a separate hall due to segregation of males and females. I introduced him to my friend’s husband so that he may not get alone. Still, his mood was off on returning home, so I also changed and went to bed immediately without talking lest he may become angry that I was late even in changing clothes. But next morning he started abusing me that I was ill-mannered, illiterate, shameless, I broke N’s heart by giving her short answers on the way to the wedding, and I did not talk to him on returning because I was too arrogant about myself. That was the day the seed of hatred grew in my heart for N as well.

2nd month: All these things collected, and one day, after leaving me at my mother’s place, my husband came back and told my parents that I should change or he would leave me. My parents apologized profusely and made me apologize too, so he, on his mother’s insistence, allowed my parents to drop me back at his house. I had become pregnant. Everyone got to know.

3rd, 4th month: One day, I told my mother-in-law, when she asked about our situation that her son only knew how to respect his sisters and mother. She told me he thought I was too arrogant because I thought I was a doctor, so I was a big shot, and that I intentionally used to climb stairs in hospital to abort my child. I became shocked and told her that according to surah-e-Noor, slandering a chaste woman was a big sin. She got pissed off. Then I told her that I was too tired to come up to eat, so I should start living up as well.Then one day I found rat’s feces and cockroaches on the carpet where we slept. I told him his house was too dirty. He attacked me in return by telling me that I had committed zina with my brother-in-law. I became shocked and in the morning, because of being hurt, left the cell phone he had given a few weeks back as a gift at home on going to hospital. He became so angry, picked me up from the hospital forcefully and told me to leave his house, he wanted to divorce me. His mother also came down and said I was bad luck for the family, I was previously married or attached to some other man, that I said that meals should be brought down for me. A few days back, I had posted on facebook a fatwa from islam qa website on my own wall about in-laws not being allowed to interfere in a wife’s and husband’s affairs. I wanted my husband to see it and understand how wrong his mother used to do (so that either he stopped her or at least sympathized with me), but N read it and told her mother that I had posted it on her wall! My husband said he will snatch our child from me, I would kill it or make it like myself. My mother-in-law said I was psycho-case and not able to look after my kid. She said bad things to my parents even when they came to pick me up. He said I had intentionally become pregnant to entrap him. His mother said I did not want this child because once I had asked my husband to use protection until difficult part of my residency was over and he told that to his mother ( a stupid advice from a colleague).

When my mother’s brother went for a truce, my mother-in-law said very bad things about me. Just before marriage, my mehr was decided by my parents as one lakh rupees. My in-laws insisted that it should be 50,000. I told my parents not to fight over such a mercenary thing, but my husband called me materialistic and my mother-in-law said I was interested in their bank balance because during a related conversation, I asked my husband if he had some plot named after him. Actually I wanted to tell him that I did, but then had stopped, fearing it may appear as show-off. Anyway, I sat at her feet, so she forgave me. I came back even after being so insulted because I remembered my husband’s good points like taking me to outing, shopping once a month, romancing, etc. Now I realize he thinks they are just favors he is bestowing on me, not my rights. He told me he was tolerating me because his mother and sister stopped him from divorcing me.

5th, 6th month: My husband works in the same company as my sister. He told me one day that my sister was too cheap, and used to talk to males a lot. I explained to him that she had not been like that always; it must be due to some professional reason, or because her female colleagues must be unfriendly, but he kept calling her names. One day I messaged my male colleague for a work I needed to get done in the hospital. Accidentally, out of habbit, I wrote ‘yar’ meaning ‘friend’ in our language. My husband read that and became out of control with anger. I used to wear scarf, dopatta, loose, long lab coat while going to the hospital, but due to discomfort, kept my trousers on my waist. Unfortunately, it started exposing my ankles. My husband rebuked me again, so I started wearing long socks. However, one day, on way back from the hospital, my husband picked me. Accidentally, the sock became down and a small part of my leg became exposed. My husband told me I was shameless, and would take off my trousers in the public if I could. He told me not to come back to his house from hospital next day. So next day, quietly, I went to my mother’s house and told her what happened. Without telling me, she went to his house and complained about him to my mother-in-law. She made her son pick me up from hospital the next day. The moment I sat in the car my husband started abusing me and my mother. He asked me how many times I had been married before. When I protested loudly, he slapped me. Then when we reached home, he tried to kiss me. Understandably, I was angry, so I pushed him away; my hand hit his lips accidentally. In return, he slapped me 5 times, and when I started crying loudly, started throttling me. I resisted, got up, and told him I couldn’t take it anymore. He called his mother, she criticized me as well as scolded him, and things got back to normal. One day I came home, everybody was sleeping and got disturbed and woke up and made faces at my ringing the bell. From then on, I started staying in hospital late, working on my thesis, and stopped going upstairs daily. My husband gave me the key to directly go downstairs.

7th month: Till now, my younger sister-in-law used to dominate the whole scene of serving, washing dishes, etc. I wanted to work too to make a good impression on my husband who said to me once I didn’t do half the house-work his sister did, and told her so, but she didn’t listen. I started resenting her more. Also whenever I used to go up, I used to feel everybody’s eyes on me; their expression was judging and/or sneering. I felt alone. During Ramadan, I used to wake up in fajar daily for giving my husband sehri. Still my husband called me 'dying for sleep' b/c i couldn't wake up for fajar at times. I used to make iftar daily and took it up. But during an iftar one day, N told my husband that her son was ill and his dengue test was positive. Since I was not participating in any conversation, I felt odd in suddenly raising my head and sympathizing, so I kept quiet as if I had not heard. Besides, I was so bitter from inside I felt it was a drama and a lie. When my husband and I came down, I started regretting and started typing N an apology sort of message, but the same moment, my husband came down and started abusing me. I apologized and when he started taking N and her son to the hospital in his car, I went to the door and offered her juices and offered to accompany her. Then while they were in the hospital, I called her too. Then electricity failed and while I was alone at midnight downstairs, I started getting a repeated call from an unknown number. I didn’t receive because in those days, I was getting many prank calls. I didn’t know it was my mother-in-law. When my husband got back, I was half-asleep at 2 am. I heard somebody enter and first go upstairs. When he came down, he shook me hard and woke me up. He slapped me twice on the thigh and shook me by my collar and squeezed it and asked me what my problem was. He told me I was worthless for him if I didn’t respect his family, and he would leave me if I didn’t change. I nodded my head in agreement. His mother must have told him that I was not receiving her calls, so he picked up my cell phone. I had called my mother to tell her how I was treated. He saw that and started abusing about that too. Previously, also, he had caught some messages in which, in anger, I had vulgarly complained about him and his family to my mother. But doesn’t his sister complains about her mother-in-law to her mother? Even my husband knows minor details like how bad N's mother in law is, or how N took her mother-in-law to dentist. It couldn’t be a coincidence that every time some oppression is done on N, my husband finds out? He took her at least for 3 months without break to hospital in the mornings during her housejob; she herself told me that. He and his mother used to visit her so often at her in-laws’ house to provide her things; her in-laws’ house is so close to her mother’s. And I was forbidden to message and call my mother through my mobile. And it was called a very wicked thing of me to demand that I should visit my mother every week. I was told that N had not visited her mother’s house for four months after her marriage.

8th, 9th month: Then I got the permission to cook down myself because I told my husband that I disliked eating food made by N, and he told that to his mother. So I stopped going up altogether in my last two months of pregnancy. My husband stopped me because there was danger in climbing stairs. No-one came down to ask after my health.

Things became normal due to no interaction between me and his family. Then my delivery occurred. My husband kept calling up his sisters for advices one to two hours before delivery, but when I asked that I had to call my father, he refused. At one time, when he asked N to come to the hospital for me, I felt really irritated. I didn’t want to take favors from such a person. I made a face while answering when my mother asked me who he was talking to. He saw that and on DELIVERY TABLE, rebuked me for making a face at the mention of his sister. When I started crying, he let it go.

1st & 2nd month post-delivery: Things improved just after our daughter was born. My husband allowed me to stay at my mother’s for 45 days. I was happy; I even pleased him physically in my room at my mother’s. However, before the end of this period, I had to go to the near hospital I had been working in for the extension of my maternity leave. My husband bought me sweets for distributing but admin refused my plea and told me to resign and then rejoin. My department said they won’t retake me if I resigned. I was breast-feeding my daughter again and again while there was no proper place there for it, so I got irritated and said in a hurry that I would habituate my daughter to bottle a little, and then leave her at my mother’s for a few hours and then come here and discuss with admin, but my husband thought I was saying I would stop breast-feeding altogether and leave my baby daily at my mother’s to come and do job, so he rebuked me. Once before also, he had misunderstood what I said. I was expressing my dislike about people, specifically nosy women, staring at women and me, and he thought I was expressing pride that men stared at me! Anyhow, my husband came next day and said he had talked to his elder sister. Then next day, he asked me to resign from job for a year. I protested, saying I would resign for 6 months only; fight ensued. He said I didn't take iron during my pregnancy so that my baby could die, not because of my nausea. He threatened to snatch my daughter from me, then apologized. He stopped visiting me at my mother’s regularly. Behind his back, I went to my hospital one day for getting a posting certificate and then, my maternal aunt who was sick those days, called me and my mother who was with me and forced us to visit her. She lived in the same area. My husband suddenly decided to come home the same day. When I told him on the phone that I was at my aunt’s, he started abusing me that why I didn’t tell him, I had broken his trust, how could he know I was not with some boyfriend of mine, how dared I take his daughter with me. Actually, I had tried to take his permission for going out the previous day on the pretext of visiting my friend, but he had refused. What could I share with such a restrictive husband? Anyway I returned home immediately and apologized to him despite his abusive language. However, a few days back, Satan had got hold of me once; an old male school-mate of mine with whom I swear I had never had any cheap link or even a good friendship, added me on facebook. He was doing masters abroad. I was so sick and tired of my unhappy marital life that, so ONLY with the intention of asking about how he got the scholarship so that I could apply too, I started talking to him. I told him I was married and discussed only educational matters with him, but yes, Allah forgive me, I made smiley faces once or twice. My husband caught that chat the very same evening after our fight was over. That evening, he became quiet, but next day texted me calling me bad, and stopped coming home altogether.

3rd month post-delivery: A month passed. I received ultimatum from the near hospital to rejoin or resign immediately. I was calling and messaging my husband but he was not responding. Our daughter’s vaccination day came and he didn’t contact. My birthday and our wedding anniversary came, still no contact. So not knowing what would happen next, I rejoined. A week passed, one day while I was doing evening duty at the hospital, my husband came to my mother’s place. Not finding me, he got angry and started divorcing me. When I pleaded, he said either leave job forever and cancel all your male contacts or get divorce. So I left my job, cancelled my fb male friends and went back to his home.

4th-8th month post-delivery: Since then, things became quiet most of the time but after every two weeks, my husband abuses me and my parents on some small mistake of mine. He even slapped me once in front of my daughter, and asked me whom do I talk to whole day. Once it was because I said only dogs leave their mates after impregnating them. Once because I brought his home a bouncer my mother had given to my daughter (his own mother buys clothes for me and her and cot, etc too, but that he doesn’t find questionable). Once it was because my mother brought water bottle for me while visiting me when I had diarrhea. At one time, because I told him only one day before that my sister was getting engaged (it was an informal event, and my mother couldn’t decide whether to invite me and him or not; she called me to discuss that and I misunderstood that she was asking me to tell my husband and come; I am so stupid). Understandably, my husband got angry that he was not invited formally by my mother. I tried to explain my mistake to him, but he didn’t listen. Anyway, to placate him, I asked my mother to call and invite him as well as his mother. My mother in law’s mood at the event was very off. When she got to know that my younger brother in law also lived abroad, she got jealously quiet (she used to suggest divorced and mentally handicapped men for my same sister). During a conversation, she asked my mother very sharply if my elder sister used to live in Canada. Then she got up and told everybody proudly her brother was calling from Canada. Once, she also boasted of her daughter living abroad and her sons’ qualifications. Then she made fun of female engineers (my sisters are female engineers). This event’s attitude, in short, summarizes how my mother-in-law is. I accept that it is a very good thing that I get to live and cook separately from her, but even that one hour daily which I have to spend with her is a poignant torture for me; she does and says things similar to mentioned above. Besides, since my daughter was only four months old, she has kept insisting that I should now produce a son. She makes it sound like she is saying something of my benefit, without caring whether I care for that benefit or not. I start wondering if she says such a thing to take revenge for her elder daughter becoming pregnant with her third child 6 months after the birth of her 2nd one. She buys things for me and my daughter only to show her goodness and keep her control that she is earning, a giver, so that her bad things are ignored. Once she asked me to go on a job search with her, but  she refused to talk about it with her son and her mean things far outweigh her good ones. My younger sister-in-law has started living in her mother’s house again. If I don’t go up for more than a day, both my mother-in-law and my husband start rebuking me that I am insulting N and my mother-in-law. My mother-in-law makes N fondle my baby so much that I start getting jealous. She praises the interactions between my daughter and N and her son so much that I start wondering if she is doing it on purpose to use my daughter to show my husband again how good N is. After tolerating all this, once or twice I indirectly called my husband’s family cunning in front of my husband and my baby. My husband got so angry, he abused my sister, my parents, and told me he is living with me just because of my baby, although he also says negative things about me in front of my baby jokingly. Earlier, he himself got normal after such events esp if i apologized, and i did too. But now i have become sick and tired of all this, so now I become less talkative after such abuses even after he apologizes; he calls it my ‘arrogance’. Once when I was quiet on returning from my mother, he abused me for wearing a new dress bought for me by my mother, said who bought it for me as if some boyfriend bought it. Also, he said that i don't have enough worth to be bought clothes for by him. He called the moment of our meeting evilly unfortunate. When I asked him to drop me at my mother, he asked me to leave in a rikshaw like going in a rikshaw, which I used to do often, is a cheap thing. He refused to give my daughter and said mothers like me don’t deserve kids and their curses don’t work. I am not allowed to leave my mother’s house or take my daughter out for anything, while his own sister does shopping with her mother and goes for job almost daily (she is also a doctor). He says she does a lot of good things which I don’t do, so she is allowed a lot of privileges I don’t deserve. He questions me too much about how I take care of our daughter; twice he rebuked me without any valid reason.

I know, in this whole story, I did a lot of mistakes too, but each one was in response to some bad thing they had done. Still, they took more revenge from me than I deserved.

Now, I want to set conditions that my family and I should be respected in front of my daughter, i should be given freedom for doing part-time work and for taking my daughter out with my mum, my matters should never be discussed with his family, his mother should treat me with friendly SILENCE, and his sisters should not become too free with my daughter. If my conditions are agreed upon, i would never say or do any negative thing ever again. Otherwise i will get divorce; i don't want more kids with him. I can't bear living daily in the torture of the fear that someday he might snatch my kid from me. Kindly either give me Quranic verses or ahadeeth that can help me convince my husband to agree upon my conditions, or convince ME that i should not feel guilty that i did something bad to my daughter if I get separated from her father, no matter whether i stay here or leave for a better country.



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42 Responses »

  1. salaam sister.. divorce is not a good option. pls don't take any decision hastly. ur daughter need a father's Care too. everything will b fine, this is month of ramdan., ask Allah swt for everything.. u'll get wat is best for u..

    • I am sorry for sounding harsh, but tell me brother, what would you do if your wife repeatedly hit, slap, verbally abuse you and your family?

      • I hope she wouldn't, I'll b 25 next month, its been
        almost 2 years, I hav been praying to Allah swt ,
        give me a pious, religious girl... I think in most
        cases, we get wat we ask for.. ok, if she hit me
        and my family ( I can't even think, a girl wud hit
        her husband, hahaha) I'll try my maximum to
        understand her and will discuss the issue with
        their family, if it doesn't work, I'll marry one more
        time.. or wat I wud do... bt I'll b very depressed
        for sure.. bt ryt now I don't wanna think abt
        these matters..

  2. My husband has accused me of 'Zina' for the incidents stated above, in front of our daughter. His father rubbed me on the genital area and hips as a form of appreciation for bringing him food. If touching unintentionally is Zina, his father committed Zina as well. If talking to a married male colleague in a friendly way out of compulsion (not flirting) is zina, why did his mother sat alone in a curtained room with a male non-mehram relative of hers? My daughter needs a father's love, but i know from personal experience that men who don't respect their wives and beat them, disrespect and beat their daughters as well. Two days back when i tried to gain my husband's approval for going out with my mother for an errand, he called me 'Zania' and slapped me on face so hard 9 times and 2 times on my thighs. All i was saying was that talking to those males was a one-time, compulsive event, and his mother and sisters have flaws as well. Can't husband and wife talk and sort out differences? He never even gives a thought to what i am saying even in calm mood. He told me i was the kind of woman who would take off my clothes and sleep with other men. Is this the foul language you would like your kids to grow in? If you had a sister, would you have tolerated such words for her on such minor mistakes. In houses where a woman is not respected as a wife, children learn to disrespect her too, which leads to disobedience, mistakes, sense of guilt, low self-esteem and passive-agressive attitude in them. Brother, you can not estimate the height of the torture i feel. I breast-feed my daughter. How will i feel when one day she utters such foul language against me too? And my husband keeps telling me that he would have divorced me if not for our daughter. What if i have more kids with him and then he decides to leave me? It will damage even more lives. I don't think i committed zina; this is just a trick taught to him by his mother to prove me so bad, so that if divorce occurs, no-one blames her son even a bit.

    • Iffat: His father rubbed me on the genital area and hips as a form of appreciation for bringing him food. If touching unintentionally is Zina, his father committed Zina as well.

      Your husband should not be beating you for any reason.

      I have a feeling his father knew what he was doing when he rubbed on your genitals and hips. How did you react when he did that? Did you let him know that it is unacceptable? This thing seems very much INTENTIONAL. Are their any other adult males living in the family with you?

      May be you want to try marriage counselling. Your husband seems to be insecure for he is accusing you of committing Zina.

      Why your mother in law was alone with a non-Maharam if other family members in the family were there?

  3. What is a good option, you tell?

  4. I asked for an advice that does NOT make me feel guilty, but everyone i discuss it with it is like this brother.

  5. Assalaamualaikam

    Sister, what this guy and his family are doing is wrong. There is never an excuse for abusing another person, and ill-treatment and oppression of others is condemned in Islam.

    You might want to think about the ayat in Surah Al-Baqarah in which it is stated that persecution and oppression are worse than killing (2: 191, if I recall correctly - if I am incorrect, I hope someone will correct me, inshaAllah). In Surah An-Nisa, there are many relevant ayats which give guidance about how a husband should behave with his wife, the roles and responsibilities of both spouses, and what should happen in the event of a marital dispute - so, it may be worth reading this surah and thinking about the guidance within it.

    Islamically, domestic abuse is not permitted. The Prophet (peace be upon him) treated his wives with love and respect, and was clear that a husband must treat his wife kindly; we are told that The Prophet (peace be upon him) said that: "The best among you is the one who is best to his wife" [ Muslim].

    In terms of your daughter's wellbeing, she should not be exposed to such an unpleasant environment. Children learn from the world around them, so you need to make sure she is growing up in a supportive and loving home, where Islamic principles guide how people interact.

    I would imagine that you would have valid grounds for a legal separation and for khula, and to keep custody of your daughter on the basis of how you have been treated, but it's important to find out for sure - we aren't legal experts, so contact a family lawyer in your home area and ask them for confidential advice. They should be able to give you their opinion on whether you would be likely to keep custody in the event of a separation, and getting advice doesn't mean you're committed to any particular course of action.

    Yes, divorce is not something to take lightly, but it was made permissible for us. So, think carefully about your options, while holding fast to Islamic principles. Remember that this guy has been physically and emotionally abusive, that his family have been unkind to you, and that they are making threats in order to try to control you. Astaghfirullah, that all seems very far from the straight path - may Allah guide them to see their errors and to repent in time. As I see it, you are under no obligation to stay there and allow them to keep doing this. Stand up for the rights you have in Islamic law, and show your daughter that Muslim women are strong and to be respected.

    Before making any major decision, pray istikhara and ask for Allah's guidance.

    Midnightmoon editor

  6. Do you really want to live in this hell, woman? I'm surprised that you didnt divorce him in the beginning. He is such a scum! Dont stay with him even if he agrees to your conditions. Men like him dont change. He will beat you once again and it seems like he is madly possesive. This doesnt sound like a healthy relationship. I know that in indian/paki families divorce is considered a taboo but tell u what? The times have changed and you have the plus point of being educated. You'll marry again to someone who deserves you. Dont have more children with him. You dont want your kids to grow up in a violent household.

  7. Also, get to a police station and lodge a fir against him for beating you. That will teach him a lesson he will never forget.

    • Repot to police specially country like Bangladesh lol better to do it yourself as far as possible is am also from Bangladesh and for this kind of situation no fare punishment only taking money under the table!!! I hate bd alhumdulillah I am in better country now

      • Nadia ,

        Advise her some thing good rather than making fun of your own country .
        I have see this type of attitude of people who have migrated from countries like India/Pak/Bangladesh and feel superior about themselves which is wrong and arrogant way of thinking .

        Even a small child knows that developed countries are far better for living compare to poor or developing counties( Common sense) but don't degrade your mother countries .

        Allah hafiz

        • I am a bad girl I don't know how to advice good... It's my choice making fun of my country because I been situation like this I hate my country any problem with anyone?

          • Sr. Nadia,

            I wouldn't worry. What you said is true and even the unfortunate people who suffer unjusticely at the hands of authority figures in such countries would agree with you.

            I don't think it would be wise at all for the sister to go to the police, she is better off going back to her family for any help and aid.

          • Assalamoalikum sister Nadia ,

            Cool down .You are a good girl as at least you tried to help here .

            When you say you hate your country i think you probably meant that political system,police force ,corruption etc etc which you have the right to criticize .But you can't generalize and hate everything there .There might be so many good Muslims there ,Your family roots ,Mosques,Madrasas ,schools ,innocent kids etc etc .
            And bad people are there everywhere even in Unites States of America and UK.
            United states of America is that great country who killed millions of innocents in the gulf war by telling lie about WMD to the whole world .So please don't generalize it and say you hate your country .

            All muslims whether he belongs to USA or Bangaladesh they are part of one Ummah and a muslim should love other muslim .

            There are lot of converts from developed countries who travel to African and remote places(much poorer than Bangladesh) to give Dawah and help them .
            So if you give back to your country and help at least some people it will be a great work .

            Pray regularly namzaz and Pray for your country . BTW ,I am not from Bangladesh and don't know much ab out it .
            Also lets stop it here else it will be deviation from main topic .

          • Br. Logical,

            Sr. Nadia made her point clearly and I think you are reading much more into what she wrote especially when you implied that she was saying something negatively about Muslims, Mosques, Madrasas and innocent kids.

            Besides, the day our Ummah owns its problems is the day that we will solve them--why worry about other countries, when the silence of our own Muslims countries is deafening as babies, children, women, men, elderly are killed? Just look at Palestine right now. Ya Allah, help those who are in dire need of your help and protection, Ameen.

            And as you said, yes, let's stop it here as nationalism doesn't have any place in Islam.

        • I don't see any arrogant in her comment she is right bd police is worst then anything els this sister will loose her reputation if she take this kind of step. We most people get migrate not for free we earned by study or work or whatever then go. I am also from Bangladesh now I live in USA I left bd 30years now bd it's getting worse and worse I feel pitty about my country...

  8. Hastily? I have been tolerating for 2 years. My husband has himself asked me several times to take divorce even after our daughter's birth. The things he said i can't even imagine them. I have become sleepless. Do you know that if a spouse accuses another wrongly of zina, there should follow a procedure of La'an between them and they should be separated. Our marriage has automatically become invalid. When he was beating me, my daughter was in my arms: does that sound like a caring father to you. It's very easy to underestimate another's suffering. My husband falsely accused me of holding hands with my brother in law. A girl needs a father 's care but she needs a good environment as well. My performance as a mother is being compromised by living with him. Please don't publish any more comments like this which make me guilty

  9. One thing to be aware of is that brothers will often suggest women remain with abusive husbands. I don't know why, but it sometimes seems as if they think it is better for a woman to be murdered than to obtain a divorce. If he is accusing you of zina, it may be unsafe for you to remain there.

  10. You are an educated woman. Why would you let yourself be treated this way. I feel that your daughter is not safe with your in laws, in that home.

    Involve your family, your father and discuss this matter with an Imam as well. Maybe the Imam could come and teach your inlaws how to behave. I actually don't think your in laws will change. If nothing changes then get a divorce. In the meantime keep a very close eye at your daughter because she is not safe in ththat house.

    They don't deserve you. And plz in the future refrain from communicating unnecessarily with males

  11. First of all why would you take all the abuse, false accusations and get treated worse than a door mat? He insults your whole family yet you run and apologize. You said he idolizes his sister so much that he is jealous of his brother in law? Seems like he may have thoughts of incest. Its disguting.

    you have more right over the child then the father and definitely his parents. So i dont understand why are you still hanging around? So i will say is to leave him. Dont let him destroy your childs future amd your future.

  12. JazakAllah, editor. I will follow all your advices including doing istakhara. May Allah reward you. Ameen.

    • Assalam alaikum Sr. Iffat,

      You have recieved very good advice from Sr. Midnightmoon.

      I may risk being too blunt, but after reading what you have written, I see two problems:

      1) You aren't sure if the abuse you have suffered is grounds to move away to safety.
      2) You seem to be under the impression that your husband and in-laws will change.

      Sister, unlike many other women, you are educated and do not need to take further abuse from this man. (Not that I'm suggesting that less educated women should tolerate abuse, but sometimes they feel they have no options.) Not only is he abusive, but he is very immature to the point that he needs constant reassurance from you. He doesn't seem to have self-worth and seems to need your behaviour to constantly build him up.

      Because of where you live and culture that is practiced there, I can imagine it would be challenging for you; however, it seems that you have the support of your parents and that you can be independent. This is an option that you should certainly consider when your only other choice is to live with your in-laws where you are constantly scrutinized and evaluated for each and every move. I urge you sister to read the Quran with meaning and educate yourself Islamically because no woman should have to constantly weigh her words with her husband aiming only to avoid physical abuse.

      It was sad to read in your post how your husband would become "normal" after bouts of verbal abuse to your family or after hitting Dear, this is all part of the cycle of abuse and it will not stop without him acknowledging it and desiring to change himself. You can't teach him otherwise.

      The way you are living is no way to live. Your husband won't wake up as a changed man suddenly one day. I pray that you make the right decision for yourself and your child to be safe and away from harm's way.

      It seems that you succumbed to your husband's decision to divorce you at one point and immediately did everything that he wanted to avoid divorce--this is quite sad because it means that the threat of divorce is what is holding your marriage together rather than love, trust, friendship and most importantly, our Deen.

      I pray to Allah swt to ease your difficulties and help you towards the path which is best for you and your daughter inn shaa Allah, Ameen.

  13. Dear sister Iffat ,

    It is too much to tolerate .Don't tolerate it further

    Allah hafiz

  14. Omg leave him!!! Divorce him make sure u go back to ur job and work wear and do what u want as long as it comfortable hes not ur father as long as it fine and ur mum thinks its fine. They are arrogant and nasty people in other words vile. U haven't done anything wrong !!! U have a right to speak ur feelings and thoughts they have no right to disrespect u bully u and treat u like crap nod expect u to not say anything ur not a slave they don't own u ! They're enjoying the control and he thinks he can abuse you omgg honestl this really got me angry for you ! Ur not the sinner he is ! He is a disgusting man a man should never lay his hand on a woman specially his wife u can't be married to and stay with a guy who beats u disrespects u and ur family and his parents disrespect u and ur family for the rest of ur life u have to leave him ur already becoming fragile an weak. "I sat by her feet and she forgave me" are u kidding me she's not the queen she's ur husbands mother it's even vile of her to have let u sit by her feet u do not sit by anyone's feet but your mothers ! Please don't let them treat u like this ! U need to divorce him if u get bruses take pictures of what he's done and get them done as keep them safe at ur mothers he won't be able to take ur daughter of u ur the mother and he beat u up remember that and u have a fantastic qualification he's jeliouse of u and so are his family. U can't put up with this anymore u need to tell ur mum he hits u etc and what he does u need to leave him!!! And take ur daughter to and if it means get an injunction against him then so be bit I beg u take my advice or one day u will regret it!! He wants u to be in his control they want u to have not work can't u see that !!! Why would u quit ur job what kind Of man wants his wife to give up her fantastic career other than an evil jeliouse guy !!!! U should leave him ok get a divorce ur job y have enough money to have a goo life with u and ur daughter u deserve to be happy font tolerate this !

    • My parents don't support me fully. They leave the final decision on me. If i say i can't live with him, they say ok, leave him, but Whenever I am on the verge of divorce, i start crying a lot for my daughter, so my parents ask me to apologize and the story starts once again. Same happened yesterday. I want my parents to be strong on my behalf, to give me the courage to say goodbye to this abuse. But no one wants to take the blame for my divorce. Of course I will feel guilty and depressed at the time of and after divorce, even for months, i may doubt myself n my capability to earn and take care of my daughter simultaneously, but one day i would recover. Isn't it the duty of your family to help you with this. Only a dead woman can survive this situation, and even if I do, for how long can i hold? One day i may lose my sanity, and have 2 more children to think about, then? I did sabr, apologized yesterday, even then my husband s mother cursed my daughter. My husband starts acting like he really cares about my daughter, so i start feeling guilty n cry. If he had cared, he would not have defamed me for suchsmall mistakes, he told his relatives i have a bad character. Wouldn't such defaming affect my daughter 's future? He does tricks so that somehow all blame for divorce falls on my shoulder, like he either tries to prove me zani or corners me into a situation where i feel forced to ask for divorce, any other situation (like when he can't blame me fully) he tells my mother he would forgive me if i apologize to him and his mother, and listen to her rebukes. I did istakhara thrice; no clear answer. Please pray for me that I get the strength to put a stop at this, I STOP feeling guilty for my daughter! Please. Can someone help me in weighing pros and cons for my daughter?

  15. I fear his accusations will follow me and my daughter. I fear my daughter may feel deficiency in her life: the same what 'a brother' said

    • Domestic abuse.....
      I am some1 who makes domestic abuse.. I am living with my mother , when I get angry , sometimes I throw things , sometimes food.. ( its really shame to say). dats not mean everyday or every week. bt once or twice in a month. wen ever I make mistakes jst after few minutes I say sorry to my mother, not jst a sorry, I'll make her sure, dat I won't do it again.. I don't know sometimes its comes quick and I can't control.. everytime I ask Allah swt for give me patience and plz accept my tawba.. , especially 4 the sin I made to my mother.. ppl think dat I am very kind and I help ppl. bt they don't know wat I am at home.. wen we get into trouble, first we hav to check ourself , wat was the mistake we made in the past, and we should ask for sincere repentence. I wan say more things, bt my language limitation don't allow me.. Allah swt knows the best...

    • Salaams,

      I know I am just jumping into the conversation, but I just want to say that it's not true that someone who is abusive will have abusive children. There's a high likelihood of it happening if that behavior is modeled, but it's not guaranteed. Many children can grow up to be violent even if they had parents who were never angry or mean. There are lots of factors that go into why someone becomes the way they are, but the bottom line is that when we are adults we can choose who we want to be and discipline ourselves into a better character. Nothing overrides that.

      -Amy Editor

  16. I hope she wouldn't, I'll b 25 next month, its been almost 2 years, I hav been praying to Allah swt , give me a pious, religious girl... I think in most cases, we get wat we ask for.. ok, if she hit me and my family ( I can't even think, a girl wud hit her husband, hahaha) I'll try my maximum to understand her and will discuss the issue with their family, if it doesn't work, I'll marry one more time.. or wat I wud do... bt I'll b very depressed for sure.. bt ryt now I don't wanna think abt these matters..

    • Assalaamualaikam

      Domestic abuse can happen to anyone - male or female - and is never a laughing matter. Sadly, many men suffer abuse in silence out of shame, or not realising that they are not alone.

      Nobody should tolerate domestic abuse. The Prophet (peace be upon him) and his wives (may Allah be pleased with them) were kind and respectful of each other, and we should strive to be more like them in how we treat each other.

      Midnightmoon editor

      • Domestic abuse.....
        I am some1 who makes domestic abuse.. I am living with my mother , when I get angry , sometimes I throw things , sometimes food.. ( its really shame to say). dats not mean everyday or every week. bt once or twice in a month. wen ever I make mistakes jst after few minutes I say sorry to my mother, not jst a sorry, I'll make her sure, dat I won't do it again.. I don't know sometimes its comes quick and I can't control.. everytime I ask Allah swt for give me patience and plz accept my tawba.. , especially 4 the sin I made to my mother.. ppl think dat I am very kind and I help ppl. bt they don't know wat I am at home.. wen we get into trouble, first we hav to check ourself , wat was the mistake we made in the past, and we should ask for sincere repentence. I wan say more things, bt my language limitation don't allow me.. Allah swt knows the best...

        • actually my point was, if I get a abusive wife, I can't blame any1. coz I know the mistakes I made. and I'll hav to blv dat my tawba didn't accept Allah swt.. and I hav to pray the price for my mistakes.' abusive wife was jst an example' Allah swt can give me punishment through otherways also, I know dat. now I am abusive to my mother , in future my children wud b abusive to me.. dats y, in every salat I ask repentence to my sins, especially for the mistakes i made to my mom.. u may think dat, I am always bad to my mom.. No.. 90% I am very gud to my mom.. she scold me most times. bt she is my mom. dat is fair. bt wen I scold her, dat is haram.. I know..
          we don't know how this sister (iffat) was in her past. may b , now she is paying her price for her past actions.. wat I am saying is, we must do our sincere tawba to Allah swt.. today is the last day of 2nd 10 of ramdan. its a golden chance to make our tawba. don't miss a single second for dat..

          • Assalam alaikum Brother,

            If you are not able to control your anger at times, even if it is one ore two times a month, I suggest that you seek professional help because this could get worse with time.

            Also, just because people face challenges in their life doesn't mean that they are being punished for past actions. If that is true, does it mean that those who don't face any difficulties in their life are being rewarded? If this were true, we wouldn't have a day of judgement in which true justice will prevail.

      • No no, sister I wasn't saying like dat.. we should have test from Allah swt.. we all know dat.. bt I was jst remembering dat, we should always repent our sins.. sometimes we don't give much importance some kind of sins and at the same time we give lot importance to other sins.. for example, normal base we don't not dat Care abt interest ( riba).. most of us hav link with bank, in someway or other. and we mix our halal money with this bank interest.. so dat is totally haram.. or we r paying interest for the loans dat we taken from bank. dat is also haram.. riba is the one of the biggest sin according Allah swt.. in other hand, in our life we wud hav done adultary, I means,my hand wud hav done adultary or lips, or legs.. etc.. and we ask Allah swt for repentence for 24/7.. other hand we forgot abt our other sins.. sister I am not saying u r like dat.. bt most ppl r like dis.. abt my anger, its decreasing .. I don't need professional advice, I ask the Allah swt for giving me patience.. its working...

  17. Omg I am too a Bangladeshi woman in a abusive verbal abusive marriage which is controlled by my elder sister in law.

    I can't go to bed with him without her permission.
    If I say anything against her - my husband threats to divorce or beat me up.

    It came to point my parents defend me - as a result my mother and sister in law started to attack my mom.

    They all get together in secret conference call and tape our conversation and use it against us.

    They label me as a prostitute even though I was a 30 year old virgin when I married - my husband said if his sister says I'm not a virgin it is true.

    My mother and sister in law introduces him to other woman - my husband says it is not cheating because heaven is under mothers feet and what his mother says is Allah's blessing.

    I am too Confused if I should divorce.

    This marriage cost me 100k in debt, sickness, embarrassment and lost desire to live. Because of age.I may not have children.

    Some reason most Bangladeshi men and their mother and sisters are toxic.

    Please also pray for me.

    • Sister,

      The things you mention are so common in the Indo-Pak community unfortunately. I wish I heard about what you are mentioning for the first time, but I'm not shocked at all.

      There is no need to be confused about how he is treating you--it is deplorable.

      I assume you are living in Bangladesh--why don't you post your own question so that you may get feedback based on your situation.

      I pray that Allah swt ease your difficulties, Ameen.

  18. I can definitely relate to your story in multiple ways that it scares me. I don't understand why muslim in laws are this way. I grew up in the US and married overseas. It has definitely been challenging and depressing. I thought things would've been better because of all the religious people there but it isn't, especially with uneducated people. I came home by myself and am regretting to go back.

  19. Hi i also have same story as urs my husband and inlaws were abusive i was mentally tortured inspite of my high education i couldnot understand that i was abused. But now i realised that IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. So i will b going for divorce. I am also having 3 yrs old son with me.

  20. Salam Iffat,how are you and your daughter doing?

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