Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Abusive husband won’t leave

abuse violent physical beat

Asalam aleykum,

i have an issue in my marriage. my husband has been so verbally, emotionally nd physically abusive blaming me of all that happens. He is soo cruel but he was nothing like that until 2 months after marriage.My self esteem is now in its lowest. Yet i still wnt to give up my marriage. I know this is a test but Im not sure what God needs me to do.

He is constantly cursing at me both in english spanish and arabic. Once i opened up with him about something that happened to me when small and he uses it against me when mad. He hates me so much, i can feel his hate. He hates my parents and says we r just dogs after him. He is so stingy with eveything from money to food.. he hates my parents yet he still asks me to go over to get for him say some tomatoes, sugar etc. And i do it..my parents dont mind. His food is for him only and my food i share w him. Even my parents offer him to eat with them and he says so ugly “no i dont eat that garbage” and i feel sad because they are old already 75-80yrs and its my duty to care for them. He gets mad when i help them or when i pay for them.

i work but i dnt make enough i have a 6yr old child which is not his and calls him bast***. Then i cry hearing my son asking me “mommy why doesnt he love me if i love him!”

Even when i mention his mother he says i shouldnt say that because im so low to even mention her. This really breaks my heart. He makes me so jealous when he keeps mentioning his sister in law being such a good muslima. Even though his sisters keep complaining about all the makeup n tight clothes she wears back in their country.

Anyways, my issue is his ways.. i dont know if i should leave or stay. He is good if i agree with everything but lately he keeps getting mad and trying to spy on me like if im hiding something. He justifies hitting me that its my fault cuz i get him mad or provoke him and plus he does me the great favor of hitting me in my legs where i can still “live” rather that hitting me places where vital organs are...unless hes more mad he will hit me every where.. so it makes no difference.

i have fone to talk to the imam and they only say divorce. Im sure there are other alternatives.  Im a muslim convert and im still learning prayer but i feel discouraged when he says i should go back to christianity/catholic.We live in a back apt in my parents house.and he wont leave.. maybe cuz he Dnt pay bills.. and he has good paying job.. the thing is he keeps saving in his personal acct which i have zero access to .

He keeps mentioning how when he goes to his country he is taking 15k to spend on gifts for his family. On me he hardly buys me something and it has to be a need not a want. All these 2 yrs he has only botten me a silver ring for $60 (he left the tag to show how much it was) in iur first anniversary and a card. I wish no harm on him and i know how to forgive.

I have gone through several traumas in my life that im sure i can overcome this too alhamdulilah!. this is why i just wish he would just leave voluntarily and avoid me having to involve law enforcement in which he will be in great problems being on temporary green card.   i know i have to continue praying but should i divorce him or not? Pls help me brothers and sisters. Pray for me too.

Kary

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13 Responses »

  1. As Salam alaikum sister. I shouldn't be the one telling you what you should do. What do you want to do? I personally don't think anyone should go through tests like this if it becomes abuse. I wish you luck! I hope you find the answer from Allah..

  2. Aslaam walikum sister i can really feel for u that man is not a man hes talking about her sister in law is a good muslim wat good is he no man has any right in islam to hit or abuse a wommen i dont know how u are tolerating him sister all i say flow ur heart believe me if there was some one else in your place they would of left a man like that long time ago . And asking a qustion from any one shall i divorce him believe me no one can really answer that you should no better if u cant make things better hes not changing keep abusing flow ur heart u will get ur answer

  3. Assalam o alaikum,
    May Allah taAla help you

    Sister, ultimately the decision is yours, of course.

    I read your very sad story and I am very sorry that you had to deal with such behaviour.
    It is truly heart-breaking.

    I know and appreciate that you must be emotionally invested with this man, however, he does not seem to be worth your effort and time.

    I would suggest sitting down and having a discussion about the problems and the way he is making you feel.
    Please be very firm and make him understand that you are worth a lot more. There are God-given rights that you have that he just be fulfilling as a husband and not be taking away from you.

    Address these issues. Then on the basis of his responses, it should help you decide whether divorce is the option or not.

    Your Sis in Islam x

  4. Police social worker ..there our ways ..

  5. There was 1 thing this is not what Islam is about ..i feel sorry 4 u ...my mom went through a very similiar story such as yours...do youknow the weapin of a believer is dua supplication but in order to get accepted is being clise to Allah..such as the basics perfecting salah wudu and inside salah reading properly ....not praying late without a proper excuse and then reading quran daily.....things to keep away..haram earnings food interest and music generally bad stuff....does....attend halaqas ladies gathering fundraising helping poor or community living a balance life...there is hadith to something to this effect....those who dont have time remebering Allah .then Allah will fill there heart with grief worry and at the end of the day he will never be satisfied because Allah is the controler of hearts...i recommend mufti menk you tube

  6. Assalam O Alaikum. He seems like a horrible man. I know divorce seems like an unacceptable option but as a mother you need to put your child first. Your baby deserves better, you deserve better. He is nothing but toxic for you and your child. Give him a divorce, it is your right. You have right over his money too. Too bad for him, he couldn't give you his money during marriage, now he's gonna have to give you money of whatever amount you please, its a process of the divorce. Allah will help you fend for yourself my sister ❤ it is time you take matters into your own hands. You don't need people like him after converting, he resembles nothing of a true muslim. I suggest you kick him out, take over his savings, find a job if necessary, learn more about islam by going to khutbas/visiting islamic youtube channels like The Daily Reminder, TheProphetsPath, MercifulServant, iloveUAllah, LoveAllah238 etc (they really help strengthen ur iman and teach you more about your religion) it will make you a stronger woman In'Sha'Allah. After having a stable position, marry again if you like in a few years or so to a better muslim. For now, you don't need that vile excuse of a man in your life. Talk to Allah, really talk to Him, tell Him about your day and all (it really helps build a stronger connection, nonetheless He already knows everything about you ❤) and make duas. Teach your son the same, tell him that Allah loves him a lot ❤
    Lastly congratulations for finding the right path, may Allah bless you and make you a resider of jannatul firdaus for all the tests you've been put through.

  7. OP: I have gone through several traumas in my life that im sure i can overcome this too alhamdulilah!. this is why i just wish he would just leave voluntarily and avoid me having to involve law enforcement in which he will be in great problems being on temporary green card. i know i have to continue praying but should i divorce him or not? Pls help me brothers and sisters. Pray for me too.

    Leave him and inform ICE. He most likely will leave you after he gets his permanent green card or citizenship.

  8. Salam,
    My heart goes for you. Nobody can tell you what to do, but we can still give you what you can do when you decided to which way you move forward.
    What is his legal status in your country- is it possible he married you for it pluss saving money on you? Don't think with your heart! To me it seems he is planning his future without you as soon as it is safe for him to leave you! Sorry if I upsetting you.
    Good luck !

  9. Ask yourself so you and your child deserve better ?? The answer is YES YOU DO and with him you will never find it. If you can't do it for you then do it for your child they learn from what they see and he will treat another girl like that one day.
    If he thinks you and your family as dogs then get out and find someone who will treat you as the princess you are .
    Good luck hunny x

    • Salaam. My dearest sister in Islam, my sincere duas are with u.

      I have been through a very similar situation myself. After 10 years of abuse I divorced him. The best thing I have done in these ten years.

      Put your trust in Allah. He alone makes ways and He alone provides. He will make a way for u and your child. Ask Him.

      My personal take on this matter is - divorce him, inform the authorities, have him deported back to where he came from.make sure he goes to prison for hitting u too, get all the money u can get out of him!!! Don't let him get away with this. How dare he hit U, and call your innocent child names!!! How dare he... sister wake up pls!!!

      Remember Allah says don't oppress, He also says don't be the oppressed. What u are putting up with is not patience or rewarding for u to put yourself and or your innocent child through this.

  10. How much worse does he have to treat you to make you take action ? You deep down know you don't need him so why the hell are you still around ? Forget about divorce , why not just move out for a while and see how that goes . men like this will get worse over time if action isn't taken place. They will keep walking over you because you allow them to. There is no justification in beating your wife .

  11. You write:
    Im sure there are other alternatives

    There really isn't. If there were other alternatives to divorce, why haven't you made use of these alternatives already? Why isn't your marriage improving? I'll tell you why: Because your marriage is already dead. You just haven't decided to bury it yet...

    Don't be so desperate to hold on to a man that abuses you and your family, degrades you, humiliates you, mistreats you and is overall a vile and cruel person. Clearly, you have self-esteem issues and your husband - being the nasty coward that he is - saw this weakness in you and gets some kind of sick satisfaction out of treating you like garbage, and being able to get away with it. Because you stick around for him, no matter what he does, he has absolutely zero respect for you. Ask yourself how bad your self-esteem issues are at this point. I mean, at what point do you think you deserve better? When your passes on HIV or AIDS on to you from the skanky women he might cheat on you with in the future? When he tries to kill you? When he makes you handicapped? Or maybe when he has actually killed you? When is enough enough? Now is. Honestly. This "man" (I feel sick calling him that - he's not even an animal! Animals have more compassion than your husband does) is seriously sick. As in, it sounds like he's some sort of mental problem - that he's a psychopath. Leave before it's too late...

  12. He is an abusive man who needs to be reported to the police. He has not just taken advantage of you (food,shelter and green card I presume) he is also being an extremely bad influence on your child. Please kick him out of your life for your child.
    Divorce was made permissible for situations like this.

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