Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Abusive Husband

An abused woman, a victim of domestic violence

He hits me in front of his family

Assalam O Alaikum to all...

I have been married since the last 1 yr & 4 months. It was by my choice. I guess that's where I made a mistake. I knew my husband for 8 years before marrying him. Even during our courtship he was very abusive, physically & verbally and would always threaten to leave me.  We would somehow get back together & I would forgive & forget everything.

He used to be loving & caring at the same time. He belongs to a huge family. All the other brothers & their wives also stay with us. He considers his mother & sisters as the most important part of his life. His sisters are all married, however they spend most of their time in our house. During the times that they visit, the home environment becomes very tense, because they keep gossipping about all of us (4 daughter-in-laws). Whenever I hear them speak about me, I generally go to my husband & very politely tell him to make them understand not to say such things.  Instead my husband tells me that I'm indulging in GHEEBAT.. so I never share anything with him.

My mother-in-law & sister-in-laws do not like my husband spending money on me or taking me out. They never say it directly but make sure that my husband fights with me & they brainwash him a lot.

He beats me up during fights & literally calls all his sisters, mother & younger brother to stand & watch.

At this point of time im fed up of him & his family.

Please help & suggest a solution.

Jazakallahu Khair

- shaz

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35 Responses »

  1. Salam sister,

    I'm going to be blunt and forgive my honesty but... do you really need to ask what you should do ?!!! GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE !!!

    You have suffered enough ! You should have left him the very first time he hit you ! You know, in my country we have a saying that goes like this: "If this is how it starts, then I don't want to see how it ends".

    I really admire your sabr and I understand that the reason you have stayed with him for so long is that you deeply love him but please, sister, wake up and smell the coffee, he's never going to change. You've endured enough humiliations from him and his family.

    May Allah guide you to the right decision. Ameen.

  2. Salaams Sister,

    You need to leave this man. I am sorry, but there is no miracle cure for his awful behaviour. Mothers will always be first, but sisters should not come before a wife.
    As you have been with him for so long, it is only out of habit. The longer one remains with an abusive person, one will feel that without that person they cannot survive. You have invested a long time in your life with this person. This will make it hard for you to leave.
    You say you have tried to talk to him about his gossiping sisters to no avail. Ask him straight how he feels about you, then suggest you both seek mediation so that you can air your problems in the presence of an objective person, maybe your masjid offers such a service. He may well refuse. Thus, this will be an indication that he cannot see his faults and does not care about you as you deserve to be cared for.
    We all have warning signs, don't fail to take note. My own situation was made worse by interfering family. I had children though, so hung on in desperation and hoped things would get better- it never did. You haven't mentioned children, so if there are none, there is no point in staying in this environment.
    People like this only get worse. Maybe once he's lost you, he may realise. As you have put up with so much already, he is confident that you will remain with him regardless of the way he treats you. It's a horrible truth, but we let these things happen to ourselves.
    Insha'Allah you make the right decision and look after yourself.



  3. sister this man does not deserve you, and you dont have to stay with him, just leave him i know you do love him and its gonna be hard but you have to.

  4. Dear Shaz, Walaikumsalaam,

    What a terrible situation you are in. It is so frustrating reading this because you have walked into a marriage with a man whom you already know is abusive and violent. I can see that over the years you have lost any self esteem and confidence that you had to start with.

    Your husband has a controlling abusive nature and can only settle with a woman who is submissive and accepting of his abuse. You have accepted his violent and mental abuse and if you do not put a stop to it now, you could very easily end up just another 'statistic' like many other women.

    By you allowing your husband to mistreat you, do not be fooled into thinking that this is 'patience/sabr' on your behalf - because it is not. This is you not knowing how to stand up for yourself and ignoring the human rights that Allah has given you.

    You are a Muslim woman. Take pride in this and do not allow this abuse to continue any further. Put a stop to it now. Remove yourself from this situation by moving out - go to a close family member or friend until you can make other arrangments. Although I have advised you, I feel that you already know all this Shaz.

    What is stopping you from leaving this man? Why do you not love and respect the life that Allah has so generously given you? Read about the beautiful nature of Allah's messenger Prophet Muhammad(saw). He was so loving and kind to all his wives. Read about the women of Islam - they stood up for they believed in. They knew Allah had given them rights to protect them from tyrants. You too can be protected Shaz if you allow yourself to be. You deserve better. Everyone deserves better.

    You do not need to take this step alone. Please confide in family and friends or women's welfare services before it is too late.

    Please be strong.

    Best Wishes

    • Thank you SisterZ for this comment: "By you allowing your husband to mistreat you, do not be fooled into thinking that this is 'patience/sabr' on your behalf - because it is not. This is you not knowing how to stand up for yourself and ignoring the human rights that Allah has given you."

      Very right. I think so many abused women have a martyr complex. They believe that their husbands will change if they are only patient enough, or that "true love" means sticking with the husbands even through the abuse, or they believe the husbands' propaganda that the abuse is the womens' fault. But as you said, accepting abuse is not sabr. It is lack of self esteem, lack of self worth, and is not consistent with the Islamic spirit.

  5. Assalamu alaikum Sister,

    I am so sorry, and hurt when I read about sister's being abused like this. The only time I give advise on this web site is when I read about abuse situations. As a man I have to speak out about this problem that is running rampant in the Muslim community. The stories that we read here are just the tip of the mountain. There are so many stories that are not told.

    I have three daughter's, two sister's and three nieces who I love very much. If any of them were treated like this only Allah(swt) would be able to stop me from taking matters into my own hands.

    I am in complete agreement with what angelmr, Troubled, nida86, and sisterZ have written to you. You do not deserve this treatment. You need to somehow find the courage to get yourself out of that house. This situation is not going to get any better considering that he has the backing of his family. You haven't mentioned whether you have a child or not, but either way you need to find someone who you can talk to and trust to assist you in leaving that house.

    Sister I know it may be easier said than done but you have to do this. Don't be one of the women who feel that they have to stay in this situation because you think he might change, or it's your duty to be a good wife, it's your fault or any of those excuses. The bottom line is that you need to protect yourself. No one in that house is looking out for you so you have to do it yourself.

    if you need to reach out to one of the sister's who have written to you offline then do so. Maybe they can give you some suggestions. If you live in the West then there are organizations that you can call for help.

    I speak so passionately about this because I see these situations in the Masjids all the time. Many times it just get's brushed under the rug. How many times have we seen sister's who come from Muslim countries who are just told to be patient, he's your husband and don't say anything. This has got to stop.

    So please sister, take our advice and remove yourself from that home. I understand if you say that you can't turn to the Masjid, but you have to find someone, preferably a Muslim.

    Sister, this problem is not confined to the Muslim community. Every religion, ethnic goup, race, has this problem. But we as Muslim's are supposed to better than that.

    For those men who are reading this, we need to follow the example of our Prophet (PBUH). If you are not then you need to look in the mirror and have a very long talk about why your not following his lead. Brother's we need to speak out and make your concerns be heard in the masjid. We need to demand that lectures and khutbahs are provided so that the whole community is aware that this behaviour is not acceptable.

    Sorry for going on and on, but this is important and it needs to stop. To all the sister's who are going through a similar situation, just know that you are not alone. There are people out there to help you through this. But first and foremost, you also have to put your full trust in Allah(SWT).

    Your Brother in Islam

    Abdul Wali Carter

  6. Assalam O Alaikum RBW...

    Thank you all for supporting me in this never ending crisis. *****We don not apparently have any children yet from this marriage***.

    I am really feeling happy to know that there is none who feels that i should re consider my decision of leaving him & walking out of this marriage. Everyone here who has helped me in finding a way out, is very right when you say " HE WILL NEVER CHANGE".

    Thank you all for the love & support. I feel proud to be a WOMAN WITH IMAAN.

    I know for a fact that he will realise what he has lost after I leave him. But that will be his loss.

    PS: He is now trying to say that i should apologise to his family & then he will take me back. However, i am unable to convince myself to apologise, as i do not see the reason for doing it.

    • Shaz - try to remain positive and focussed.

      Don't fall weak if he starts being nice to you. A few nice words and gestures do not make up for years of abuse.

      If you are considering leaving, I would suggest that you do this without making a scene, do it quietly without him knowing. Make sure you know where you are going before you leave and take what you need so as not to cause suspicion. The rest can be collected later when you have some reliable friends/family with you for support. Whether you are doing this to give him a chance to better himself or to leave him for good can be sorted out later. For now just focus on your mental health and well-being and know that living in this house is not safe for you, hence you need to move out. Also arrange to see a counsellor if you can.

      If you need help in taking further steps, please do not hesitate to ask our editors here.


  7. asalmu alaikum,

    sis your husband is saying to apologise to his family & then he will take me back? dont worry soon enough your husband and HIS family will be on their knees begging you not to leave, jus imagine the look on their face 🙂

    one bit of advice dont let them easily sweet talk you into stayin, cos they very good at that.

    ma salama

  8. Dear Sister,

    I am so glad Sister Z and other sister and brother Carter are supporting you. But I have been there so I'll tell from my experience.

    You have not left him and you will not leave anytime soon because unless you know what is happening and why it is happening.

    Every time my husband use to hit me then immediately or within few hours he would bring me flowers or sweets and apologize and promise to be good. I would believe him a and we would be good for few days and then he would do the same thing again. Then apologize and promise. This continued for a very long time. I learned it is called cycle of violence. I learned from this site. My friend helped me talk to the lady and I understood what was going on.

    I stayed because I thought I was right and if I left I'll be blamed but now I see I don't had to prove anything to anyone because Allah knows and he wants me to live with dignity.

    I left because I had done everything in my power to stop his violence. But it was in his power to stop not mine. I could do no more.

    talk to someone you trust who will not spill beans to him and his family. I spoke to a friend, she told her husband and he told my husband that I am planning to leave. Then things became very bad, I had to go to hospital because he hit me so bad.

    Prepare a small bag with your important papers, a dress, medicines you use, some one and keep it at a safe place if things become dangerous you can grab it and leave.

    When a woman decides to leave a violent man it is the most dangerous time bacuse he feels he is loosing control over her.

    If you leave chances are he and his family will come begging to you to return but after few days it will be back to what it was. One time I even have him sign a bond with our local masjid. But he even broke that. I learned if you want to do a bond then do it in the court because there is fear of fine and punishment.

    I'll be praying for you,


    • Dear Anonymous,

      Thank you for your input - I am sorry for what you have been through. I hope you are feeling stronger now inshaAllah. You made a very valid point in saying:

      "I left because I had done everything in my power to stop his violence. But it was in his power to stop not mine. I could do no more."

      We cannot change anyone else, we can only change ourselves. So in this situation, if this sister does not like being abused by her husband, she cannot make him stop (as she has tried and tested this for over eight years). If she wants the abuse to stop, then she must make the change in herself by removing herself from this situation no matter how difficult. As Allah(swt) says:

      “Verily never will Allah change the condition of a people until they change it themselves (with their own souls)” Surah 13, Verse 11

      I just read a very beautifully inspiring and empowering quote and thought to share it with my sisters: "A Woman's Heart Should Be So Lost In The Love Of Allah, That A Man Would Need To Seek Him(swt) In Order To Find Her"

      May Allah keep you and all my sisters strong - Aameen


  9. Assalam O Alaikum ..Br Ahmed.. SisterZ n to everyone...

    I am much in need of help to very peacefully put an end to this situation. I have heard him say the forbidden word "Divorce" too many times during the course of every fight. However , he only talks & never does anything beyond that. He also very smartly says " You do it from your end, why should I?" .. he says i am trying to play it safe. It was never my intention to leave nor did i ever talk about ending this relationship. It always came from his mouth. His mother & sisters too him into ending this marriage. They have tried the same with my other sister-in-laws too, but it did not work. Because my sister-in-laws somehow have their husbands standing by them even if the mother n sisters continue their nonstop habits of ruining their lives. My sister in laws are very filthy.

    I just do not want to go back but i need to put this across to him in the most polite way possible. Because all my efforts of talking to him or continuously texting him are in vain. He never communicates with me at all.

    I am a very peaceful person & i just cannot handle violence. Now I pretty much wonder how i tolerated this person for 9 long years.

    PS : Due to the fact that we have not been together for long periods of time.I am unable to conceive & the Doctor says that my tests are fine Alhamdulillah. However due to this stressful environment, its affecting my health. This also my husband has used against me in saying that I have some defects. I place my trust in Allah SWT & I know He will bless me with an offspring, at the time when He decides & not when we want.
    But this has left me immensely hurt & it was something i had never expected from him. As he was present when the doctor explained about the reasons.

    In all this my parents have been suffering. As i am the only daughter & they got me married to him in the best way possible.

    How do i make him communicate with me?? None of my elders r interested in getting involved because they are tired of putting their best efforts, but see no improvement in him. It only gets worse.

    I have to face Allah SWT one day. I may have done my bit too. But i have done it in order to safe guard my respect & that of my family's. I have voiced out too.

    Did i do anything wrong???

    Jazakallahu Khairan


    • Dear Shaz,

      You are doing nothing wrong by speaking up. You have a God given right to speak up. You have done right by involving your family. If this has not affected your husband in a positive manner, then do not ignore this. This is yet another sign showing you your husband's unwillingness to improve himself.

      I think there are two more practical things you need to do.

      1) Firstly, move out of your husband's house as a matter or urgency, but in a planned and well thought out manner because the abuse is damaging your health and mental well being. Allah wants us to protect our lives; so that means if someone is inflicting pain and harm on you, you must move out of harms way - no matter who that person is. By doing so, you are only respecting yourself and the life that Allah has gifted to you and of course you may find this difficult. But the other option is to stay with your husband and continue being abused which will be even more difficult.

      2) Secondly, go and speak to a good qualified Imam. He will put your mind at ease with regards to your Islamic rights. It may also be a good thing for this Imaam to speak to your husband - if this is possible. The latter is only if you want to try to reconcile matters.

      Sister, if what you want is for your husband to change - you must understand that he cannot change over night without a miracle from Allah. He would probably need a major wake up call, along with therapy and he would need to show you practically that he has changed. For that you would need alot of time - many months most probably and you would need someone trustworthy to help you observe him without him knowing. This man has very ugly habits and I cannot see him changing without a miracle in the near future.

      Having said that, 'changing him' should not even be your focus. Your focus needs to be 'YOU', 'YOUR HEALTH' and 'YOUR RELATION WITH ALLAH'. So take support from your family/friends or a women's refuge and move out. Get some counselling and work on yourself. When you are emotionally stronger, you will know what is good for you and making a decision between reconciling or divorce will become much clearer for you.

      Of course you will feel lonely at times, this is normal. It does not mean that you are missing 'this abusive' husband, it means that you want a loving companion. Train yourself to differentiate between the two.

      This journey will be difficult and you will find emotional hurdles along the way. But Shaz, this is the only healthy way forward. InshaAllah with the right support and your determination you will end up a happier person when you have managed to get to the other side of the bridge inshaAllah. If you reside in the UK, please let us know so we can help you find the best contact suited to your needs inshaAllah.

      Keep seeking help from Allah too and doing Istikhara,
      May Allah help you with this journey,


  10. Anonymous: As-salamu alaykum. I only removed the multiple links that you posted. I don't mind a comment that includes a link to a relevant website, but when you routinely post comments that have seven or eight links, all to one website, that is spamming in my opinion. And when you comment anonymously, and use different email addresses, it becomes doubly suspicious. You have done the same thing before and I let it pass, but that's enough.

    It's a good suggestion to add some resources about domestic violence to this website, and I will work on that Insha'Allah.

    If you still want me to delete your previous comments, I will do so.

  11. walaikum asalam sis shaz,

    for a relationship to work effort is needed equally from both partys others its a very high chance that it will fall through.

    so sis dont worry you didnt do anything wrong, you could clearly see its your husband who is not tryin so dont stress over it. sis you mentioned " He also very smartly says " You do it from your end, why should I?" then i suggest you say it loud and clear that you dont wanna be with him, and you wanna seperate from him.

    also if the husband pronounces the 3 talaaqs then the divorce is valid, also sis since you dont have any children things will be more easy for you. so the first step is getting away from him, and then you will be able to ease your mind inshallah your good health should return.

    ma salama

  12. Assalamu alaikum,

    Brother Wael, I think it would benefit the community if you could post links about domestic violence. Our brother's who are engaging in abuse need to know that this behaviour is not exceptable and the sister's need to know that they have options.

    Please keep this discussion going. Our community really needs to be engaged, and our sister's who are going through this need all the support they can get. What we read on this site is just a fraction of what is actually happening.

    Your Brother
    Abdul Wali

    • Yes, that's a good idea, brother. I will do so Insha'Allah.

    • Salamz everyone,
      ive been in a similar situation known my husband before marriage and once i got married he abused me , raped me, beat me, mentally totured me esp after having his child. He threw me out the house when i was 2 months pregnant and returned when i was 7 months pregnant. He would i gnore me , lock me in the house and come in late night and never chat to me, he never let me take antibiotics for my infected stitches, tried burning me with boiling water, acused me of sleeping with my fatger, brother in laws and his best friend. He asked me to proove my puriy to him. He would beat me up if i stack for myself. He starved my daughter for feeds and forced me to breast feed when i couodnot produce milk with stress. Iwas up all night feeding my hungry baby who would not sleep qnd he cut her dummy nipplez so she doesnt settle. I picked the quran and my daughter and cried to save my marriGe and he put on bhangra music and called me Liar. He would kick me if our feet touched in bed , called me fat black and ugly after i gave birth and vowed he wouldnt touch me. I was so deprived of love and comfort

      • I had enough, my sister in laws interfered and made my life hell. They broke my marriage up. My husband began sleeping around and i suspect drinking alcohol n taking drugs. My family told me to leave him but i didnt. I remember he hit me for no reason i cried and said if i left him he would lose his house, baby, job and me. He laughed.

        Thats wat happened he hit me i called the police pressed charges, stayce ed in his house and got the police to get him out the house, claimed child maintenance etc... I havent heard from him in 4 months as he is on bail. Allah does give people a taste of their desert.

        • May Allah protect you sis. Dont fall into the trap of taking him back. Protect yourself and your little one at all cost, and consider a shelter if necessary. Please log in and submit a post too so we can offer you more help and support on this issue. Here is the link:
          I will remember you in my duas InshaAllah.

  13. Assalam O Alaikum SisterZ & to all..

    I am very happy to see the responses i have been receiving & it somehow, empowers me to feel that I am NOT ALONE anymore. May Allah SWT bless each one of you, who has been trying to suggest me a solution.

    Well, i have been continuously texting him to ensure i get my point across to him. Which is, I dont want to move ahead & since he has been saying he wants to end it.I have asked him why he dsnt do so, when that is always on his mind. He never replies to my countless messages. My friends say that i should not message him, because he might feel that i am missing him & want to be back. However, thats not what im trying to do. I know for a fact that he is capable of showing all my messages to all his family members in order to ensure that he safe guards his pride & say dat i am the one who is after him, even though he dsnt respond & that i keep torturing him with my messages. 🙁 . I cry a lot because of his stone hearted behavior.

    I have applied for various jobs / decided to even study further to keep myself busy & my mind diverted.But, i cannot go & work / evrybdy feels he might use that against me. To say that i wanted a free life. I have lost out on several good oppurtunities because of this. To me it dsnt matter.. what he says,its just that i dont want to be a burden to my family. My parents may not feel dat i am a burden. But my conscience dsnt agree. I am really tired of putting in all my best efforts. None of my elders want to get involved. Everybody says he needs to make the move. As he initiated the fights. But in this battle im losing & most importantly my life is stagnant..!!! 🙁

    PS : SISTERZ, I am in India ( Karnataka, Bangalore). Here everythng is different, the way ppl n society look at this. Its a situation where no matter what the man does.Its the woman who gets pointed at. If there is any place here, that i can contact. Pls do let me know.

    Im really in need of HELP.

    Jazakallahu Khair

  14. Assalam O Alaikum..

    I just wanted to know what is the rule... if a man uses the word "Talaq" several times...during various occasions. However not 3 times continuously.


  15. asalamu alaikum,

    It is a sin to give three Talaaqs in one go; Rad al-Muhtar, Kitab al-Talaq, vol.4 p.434. The Sunna method of giving Talaq is to give one Talaq in a period of purity (Tuhr), then give the second Talaaq in the following period of purity and then give the third Talaaq in the third and final period of purity. Obviously, the wisdom in staggering the Talaaq in this manner is that it still gives the husband a chance to change his mind and take his wife back. There is another method of Talaaq, termed as "Ahsan," and means to give only one Talaaq in a period of purity and then let three "Hayd" (menstrual cycles) pass. By their passing, the wife will become separate from her husband and both free to marry someone else. The wisdom in this method is that not only is there the chance to take back the wife during the three Hayd, if they feel they have made a mistake then they can still come back together again by conducting a new fresh Nikah, as three Talaaqs had not been issued.

    ma salama

  16. Dear Shaz, WalaikumsalaamWarahmatullah

    You are in India - ok that helps me understand your situation alot better. I can see now why you are finding it so difficult to get the support you need.

    It is not clear to me if you have moved out of your husband's home or not. But if you want to do anything that is going to be of benefit to you, you need to stay focussed and plan your steps.

    You keep saying that you do not want to be the first to take a step, but there will come a point where you will have to make some very important decisions for yourself. This is your life, you cannot keep letting things happen according to what others want just because you feel powerless to make a choice. Although right now, I think it would better for you to stopping sending your husband multiple text messages. Apart from this being very annoying, it is not actually getting you anywhere.

    I am not making any suggestions to you about divorce and I will never do that. This is because I want you to be emotionally strong enough to decide what is best for you in this matter. All I am encouraging you to do at the moment is to do whatever it takes to regain your mental and physical strength again.

    - Your family may not be willing to help you, but that is most probably because in many parts of the Indian subcontinent, 'culture' is the religion instead of Islam. So although it is difficult, try not feel defeated if your family are not helping you. But it is important that you have someone reliable you can lean on for support. Is there a good female friend or family member who is willing to give you the moral support you need for as long as you need it?

    - If you want to study or work, this is good. It will help you become a stronger individual and will help you stand on your own two feet inshaAllah. Remember Allah recommends us all develop ourselves through both study of the world and religion. How can your husband use this against you?

    - Is it possible for you to see a lawyer who can tell you your rights, preferably someone who knows Islamic law aswell? There must be some women's rights organisations in Karnataka. I just did a search on the net and found the following: (A women's refuge in Karnataka) (This is also in Bangalore, +91 80 2663 1829, ask them if they know of any services to help women in your situation)

    Shaz - the more you know, the more you will feel empowered and confident to make the best decision for yourself.

    - Is it possible for you to get some counselling? Maybe you could ask for any Muslim Women's counselling services at the above number that I have pasted.

    Shaz, I know you must be feeling tired, but try to space things out in your mind. Calm down, relax and think about one thing at a time. Instead of jumping to divorce, just think about how you can secure yourself a safe place to stay first, then try to do the things I have mentioned above.

    With regards to your question about the saying of 'Talaaq', I do not know the answer. This is a fiqh related question so you would need to ask a qualified Sheikh for an answer to this. If you do not know any Sheikh you can ask, you can find online Sheikhs who are qualified. I can give you details if you wish, but they will take a couple of weeks to reply.


  17. Assalam O Alaikum To All...

    Its a very nice feeling to see all of u extending ur support to me.. I guess all of you have really prayed for me sincerely. That's why my husband now has agreed to take me back. After almost 45 days of separation. He has promised never to behave the way he has earlier. I have however asked him to give me enough time to think over it.

    He has made such promises earlier also. This has left me in a dilemma. He says he wil never leave me. No matter what & that all the things he speaks are only in a fit of rage & anger. He never really means any of that.

    I am really confused now. Should I forgive him again & move on. Giving him a last chance ??!! or Should I place some conditions which wil stop him from getting into fights with me & involving his family members??? or Should I jus leave him ( keepin in mind he's not ready to leave me)..??!!

    He has been saying sorry & asking me to forgive him..? I have forgiven him ... but i am way too scared to face his mother & sisters ..rather his entire family ..after what he has done to me...!!


    Jazakallahu Khair..!

  18. Assalamu alaikm Sister,

    I am sorry for appearing harsh, but did you understand anything that we have been telling you? Your husband has told you that he is willing to take you back. This sounds as if you did something wrong and he now forgives you. Sister Shaz, you did nothing wrong and no one deserves to be treated the way you have.

    This is the point where you must take control of this situation. Do not let him take control and call the shots. Remember, this is your life that you are talking about. In most instances, the abuse gets worse. It may let up for a while but eventually he will return to what he knows.

    Listen, almost every man will tell his wife that he did not mean to hit her or treat her badly. He will promise that it will never happen again. I can't give you the percentages, but it will continue to happen again and again.

    Sister Shaz, we can't make decisions for you, only you can do that. You will have to ask yourself how many times are you going to forgive him and how many beatings are you willing to take before you move on.

    If you are absolutely confused then try this, it might help you with your decision. Tell him that if he would go for marriage counseling and anger management classes, then maybe you would consider. If he refuses then you will know that he does not acknowledge having a problem. At that point I think that you should move on with your life. You need to look out for yourself.

    Remember, you have been going through this for 8 years!!!!!!!! Make istikhara and ask Allah for guidance.

    Your Brother in Islam

    Abdul Wali Editor

  19. Asalaamualaikum Shaz,

    I agree with Brother Carter,

    This is a 'cycle' that has been on-going for years. So by your husband saying sorry and promising to never mistreat you again - this is nothing new. So before you jump back in to that cycle and ready yourself for his next fit of rage (which will happen), stop and do something different; otherwise expect the same results, i.e. beatings, abuse emotional torture, disrespect, unhappiness etc.

    His promises are empty when you have seen no proof of his actions.

    - So you can either be a weak woman and do as you have always done: go back to him because you have fallen for his empty words with no proof of change

    - Or you can be a stronger woman by doing what Brother Carter said: Tell your husband that you want both of you to go for marriage counselling and you want him to take therapy for anger management. If he is sincerely willing to change, he will run to the classes. If he is not sincerely ready to change, he will make every excuse he can think of not to go. He may try to turn the tables on you again and blame you for not trusting him and his words.

    I think you do not understand the concept of 'forgiving'. Yes, Allah says we should forgive. But don't use that as an excuse to go back to a mentally and physically abusive man. You can forgive him for the way he has treated you, because you realise that in fact by mistreating you, he is damaging his own soul in the sight of Allah, so you pity him. However you do not 'forget' what he has done to justify you going back to him in his same state; so he can start the same abuse towards you again.

    It seems that you are in love with your husband's 'potential' and not 'himself'. You keep thinking that you will change him one day to be a nice man. Sister - he is not your 'project' to work on. He is an abusive man who requires professional long term medical therapy if there is any chance for him to change. That does not mean you now feel sorry for him. Allah listens to our duas, but at the same time he has given us tools of wisdom to see warning signs and to then move away from that danger. So if we walk in to the fire eyes open - we have no one but ourselves to blame when we burn. By doing so we throwing away the gift of life that Allah has bestowed on us.

    And furthermore, after the disgusting and disrespectful way in which your husband has treated you, it should be you who is deciding whether you take him back based on your own conditions. Sister, please show yourself the respect you deserve as a human being.

    Imagine if Pharoah was here, you know what destruction he caused to Bani Israel. Pharoah says 'Sorry, I promise not to mistreat you all again, put me back in power and I'll be fair this time'. Would you place control back in his hands?

    Make Istikhara too.

    SisterZ, Editor

  20. Sister,

    Don't go back to him. Do not make that mistake. Do not let him fool you into believing he will change. He just won't. Now you can choose to go back to the hell you've living in for the last decade or you can start a new happy life.

    It's your decision.

  21. I left an abusive husband 9 months ago. He hit me once and that was enough reason to leave. But it was not his only abuse. All along my 3 year marriage, all his family (mother, sister and father) and himself abused me emotionally and mentally. His mother never let him to share his money with me or share his thoughts and decisions with me. they always humiliated me and made me look bad as a wife. His mother was his real wife and I was just a puppet. It was very hard at the beginning, but now I feel soooo happy.
    You will get there too. Life is too short to waste your youth over something that is not gonna change for you.

  22. Asalamulakum

    I have also left my husband I was married for 4 years and have just had a new baby. Husband was nasty and abusive in 1st yr of marriage whilst e lived with his parents but he said that was because his mum ue to brain wash him we left and lived separately for 3 years but once baby was born his family were back on the scene. Husband swear at me and told me and parents to get out of his house and also swear at my mum over the phone. He called his parents round ours to belittle me that's way the parents did 1st yr called 4 of my Sis in laws and swore at me and my family no 1 stopped them.

    We had 3 previous miscarriages then Allah blessed us with a baby and I had to leave and call the cops at he didn't allow my friends to visit or me to ring me Sis. Wanted to control my fiancees and wanted me to live bk with his abusive parents whereas in Islam if wife doesn't. Get on wid in laws husband has to move out if i didnt obey him he said he wid bury me alive infront of his and my parents.

    His sad use to drink and bet his mum up he said he wanted to treat me the same I was scared so left he hasn't seen r baby or been into for 6weeks.


    • Dear sister "abused", please log in and write your question as a separate post. Give us more details about the situation and your options, and we will try to advise you Insha'Allah.

      Wael Editor

  24. all i can say z if u fear abreach btn dem twain(husband n wife).den appoint an arbiter from his folk n an abiter from her folk
    in dat way if ey desire amendment Allah will make dem of one in Allah.

  25. Dear sis,
    Assalam o alaikum, sis i am an army doctor and i hv suffered abuse too from my husband who us aldo an army doctor. We hv been married for four tears.our was arranged marriage and we have 2 and half years old son. My father in law is a brigadier and mother in law is biochemist but my sister in law though 2 years older is still unmarried she even called me bitch snd acceptex tht she is jealous of me.but my husband never stood up for me. His mother said tht i am immature, liar and unresponsible. She said my mother is stupid. And abused me repeatedly so much that i prayed tht we shall be posted some where when we r posted my mother in law came on skype everyday asked every routine and brainwashes my husband who one day raised his hand on me.tht night i packed my bag told my co tht i want leave and left for 1 month leave.after just 2 days my husband msgd me tht i hv hurt him and he doesnt want me anymore.CO gave him warning after one day he started talking sweetly and apologizing. M at tht time pregnant. Now he is forcing me to talk to his mother and apologise to her as if i hv wrongd her.
    its how abusive minds work dont let yourself be the ball in their tennis and have full faith in Allah.

    • Hi...I need help. I have been married for 15 months. By the 5th month of our marriage my husband began beating me such an extent that I would frequently have bruises on my body, he chipped my front tooth and routinely punches me in the head. He is now overseas visiting his family but wants to live there permanently...I stayed there with him for 3.5 months and during this whole time he would beat me for no least every 1-2 weeks and he would say the most awful awful things to me. I am now back in my home country with my parents...whom he does not speak to and always bad mouths as they questioned him as to why he hit me. He is now pressuring me to return and picks fights with me when I make excuses not to return.

      I do not know what to do. How can I face society if I divorce him? Yet I know in my heart that one day his beatings will kill me. I am only 5'0" and he is about 6'1" and much more physically stronger than me. Even though I try to defend myself I never can. I do not know what to do. And to make matters worse, this was not an arranged marriage 🙁 can people please guide me I need help 🙁

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