Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I accept gifts from my ex for our daughter?

Absent Father

Absent Father

I have a question which I am not sure what islam says about such situation that I am in.

I had an affair about five years ago as I was stuck in a marriage that was arranaged for me at the age of 16 he use to beat me basiicly i was from a standard strict family..etc. trying my best to make it work for about 14 years....

Hence fell in to this trap,... i did post on this site before and now Alhamdullillah Im ok and following islam in every way I can. I sincerly ask Allah for forgivness and regret what I have done since that day... I am no angel but i am trying my best to stay on the right path.. hence why I want to do the right thing now.

Well at the time I was with my ex... my intention was to always be his wife and was not intimate for the begining of our relationship about 3 years ... but Shataan got his way and eventually i fell in to the trap.... my ex always said to be i love you and all this sort of rubbish .. and that he wanted to be with me... yet at the same time he was cheating on me. and

doing all sorts of bad things... but i was young and stupid.. he was my first and last bf....well on the day i decided that i did not want to continue on this path and told my ex.. i found out i was pregnant.... since that day hell started... at first he told me that we should get rid of my daughter.. but i refused as I had no right i had my daughter throughtout my pregnancy he would do and say things to hurt me.. even at one time made out he was cheating again...but either way had my daughter..

During this time he didnt realy bother and continued to say he would make it work.. and that i would have to leave my husband who i was not having relationship with but was staying with for the sake of my older daughter who was his...... my ex would always say to me leave your husband.. i wont marry you but just come to the same city as i am in and then ill see after that.. which i refused to do as i had to think about my older daughter as well..

I respected that the mess i was in was no ideal... but i was in deep depression from what was happening in my marriage and what was happening with my ex.. and my family .. i didnt tell anyone no friends and no family that i was close to.... and was so misguided i based my choices on what i thought was the right thing and not turn to islam.. as there was nowh

ere i could turn to for help.. imaams instead i moved in to a house in the same city as i was away from my husabnd.... but enought to not leave my own family as he was telling me to do.... i thought i was doing the right thing.. divorce my husband and marry my ex.. bf at the time... but the day i moved......i found out my ex was cheating again.... this time it was enough for him to leave both me my daughters and marry this girl he had met.... i begged and asked pls for the sake of our daughter lets try to make it work.. my world was destroyed .... he left me and didnt contact me....

from that day it took me about a year to get over things and get back on to my own two feet.. during this time he didnt ask to see how his daughter was.. or to ask for pictures see her growing up... i would send one or two a year... as i thought it would be nice for him to see her even if its just a pic.. as he refused to see her the one time i did ask.. he said now he was married it wouldnt be easy...

eventually i stopped sending him pics as i felt like i was just trying to contact some one i had no right over.. at tht point a year went by and on her birthday i did text him once saying thankyou for rembering our daughters birthday as he forgot....

after that text .. he started to send one gift from him to my daughter my home address.. . the first couple of gifts i gave to my daughter....when she was 2 and 3.. many times i asked him do not send her a gift as for all these years you didnt bother .. she does not need materialistic things.... and i requested kindly pls... let us be and let me bring her up in peace....his choice when he left us he said to me... you have the girls.......

i asked him the last time i spoke to him two questions.. one i asked for him to tell me where he lived as i should know where the father of my daughter is.....i have the address but i would never go there or do anything to mess his marriage up as his wife is innocent in all this.. i accept no matter how much i loved him.. ..

Allah wrote him in her kismath (Editor's Note: Fate/Destiny) and i pray that she will be as happy as i ever wished to be inshaAllah.. and the second q i asked him was.. should anything ever happen that he was to get so ill that to tell me.. i would bring his daughter to him to see her.. (ie: death etc)

this year a few months ago... i found out that he has been taking credit cards fraudulently on my name... which i managed to remortgage and clear one but one is outstanding which i am sorting out now throught the police as there is no way i can pay......and the second part.. was he did get so ill.. enought that he was close to death.. but he didnt bother to ask to see his daughter...

now i feel like im stuck .. it was her birthday.. which again he contacted me after the whole credit card issue happened....and the fact i found out he didnt bother to ask for her seeing as he was so ill.. to me in my heart..... he didnt and doesnt really care for her..... even on her birhday he sent a text saying "ordered somthing... for X you should get it by tuesday"..

nothing like " May Allah bless our daughter with a long happy life inshaAllah.. hug or kiss for her".. ....not just that but he thinks one gift on her birthday will make up for all the rubbish he has put us through.....i asked him not to send anything on her birthday as it would be returned....... and that if he had a shred of decency he would let us be and let me bring our daughter up in peace... but again all i got was him threatening me and saying one day she will leave me etc....

when he text on her birthday i ignored it for the first time tbh... he is a no body to me.... he is someone else's husband and in my eyes i shouldnt even contact i ignored.... the next day he again text me asking if i recived anything... and again i ignored...... then last night a gift arrived a brown box which was a bike....i rejected the gift...and the courier took it back...

now i feel confused.... i dnt know what to do.. in islam what am i supposed to do... i dont what to look like or even feel like a "jealous ex" all i want is for him to go live his life and let me bring up my daughters in peace..... but in islam does he have a right?....if i keep the gifts for her who am i to say they are from? as she doesn't know about him......not just that but it messes my head up... brings back memories i want to forget.... i dont need that rubbbish in my head...but i do not want to be a B*** and not give anyone there rights.. i just feel like im stuck what do i do...

i want to be a good mum...... i want to get on with my life.. ... should i have returned the gift?......or do i have the right to refuse to let him be part of her life......

i know i got myself in to this... and these are the consequences of going on the wrong path. regardless of how young and stupid i was... but i am trying my very very best to follow the guidelines of islam... i just dont know what they are in this case.. pls help :-/

~ hinaz_tearz

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31 Responses »

  1. As between parents the mother has more rights than the father. The reason is apparent. Mother has borne the child’s burden during pregnancy, has undergone birth pains in delivering the baby, has sacrificed her own comforts to provide comfort to her children, has looked after them and felt worried for their well-being. That is why mother deserves our good treatment more than the father. A Tradition of the Prophet (PBUH) tells us that a Companion asked the Prophet, “ Who deserves my good treatment most?” “Your mother”, said the Prophet. “Who next?” “Your mother”. “Who next?” “Your mother”. “Who after that?” “Your father”. This means that the mother deserves three times more good treatment from her children than the father deserves. Another Tradition wants us to extend kind treatment to close relations on the mother’s side also (even to her friends). A famous Hadith (Tradition) says, “Paradise lies under the feet of the mother”. This means doing good to our mother lead us to Paradise.  

    Sister if you do not like getting gifts from your x husband to your daughters you can avoid. You have more right, But one day your daughter will ask you about there father!(maybe)

  2. My Sister,

    Please focus on your daughter. She deserves to know her father, to get gifts from him if he sends them, to know him on whatever level he can. Do not think about any of the past interactions with him or any of his failures (or for that matter, your failures).

    Think only of your daughter in this matter. What is best for her. Have someone who is less emotionally involved from your masjid help you sort this out. Then decide what you think is best for her, and then pray istikhara to confirm your path.

    All of the other issues, while important to you, are not directly related to the best interest of your daughter from this point forward.

    Again, focus on what is in the best interest of your daughter.

    You must not punish her further for her parents mistakes. She is already suffering enough because of the two of you.

    AmericanMuslim Editor

  3. Salamualaikum,

    Additionally, sister,

    According to Islam, you should tell her about her real father and she can have no one's name but his.
    No one can be called by any other man's name. So, perhaps its time you should tell her.

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

    • Reali? that so in islam? Even thought he left her at his own accod to satisfy his own desires...and more so as he was an ex bf? i have to in islam tell her?....

      When she was born i did say i wi give her his name as her surname so at least she will have his name bt he come now al of a sudden he stamps his feet he can get his rights aftrr all these tht he has realsied he and his wife cant have kids so quick...tht he is now after my daughter when before she was a no body?

      • Does isam say i have to tell mu daughter she is born without me and hef dad marrying????????...

        • Its obvious that if you give her her real father's name (which you should), then she will come to know who her father is. So, whether you tell her or not, she'll know some day.

          Muhammad Waseem

      • Islam does not allow a person to be called by someone else's name as his or her father.

        Read this Aayah from the Quran:

        "Call them after their fathers. That is most just in the sight of Allah. If you know not
        their fathers, then call them
        your brothers in faith and your patrons. There is no blame on you if you make a mistake but you are accountable for what is done intentionally. Allah is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful." [Qur'an 33:5]

        Regarding when Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam adopted Zaid bin Harith (Radiyallahu Anhu) as his son:

        Abdullah ibn Umar said, "We used to call Zayd ibn Harithah, the patron of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, Zayd ibn Mohammed until the Qur'an stated, "Call them after their fathers. That is most just in the sight of Allah." (Bukhari)

        After this, he was again called Zaid bin Harith.

        Another Hadith:

        Messenger of Allah, sallallahu
        alayhe wa sallam, said that, "Whomever is not named after his father, or who takes as a benefactor and protector other than his supporter, is cursed by Allah, His Angels and all the

        This is the right given to him by Allah and there is no way to step back from it, either from his side or yours.

        The Ahadeeth above, and the Aayah from the Quran are clear.

        Muhammad Waseem Editor

      • Sister,

        You are focusing on his failings. His failings have nothing to do with your daughter. She deserves to be treating in the proper Islamic fashion no matter what the sins of her father or mother are.

        And, your daughter was NEVER a nobody. Allah has a plan for her. He is preparing her to be a part of His plan. Your role in this is to rise above the pettiness and banalities of a secular existance and allow Allah to help prepare her through you. She has no other parents but you and her father. This role cannot be reassigned. You must do your best for her.

        AmericanMuslim Editor

        • I agree..she is everytging to me....i am trying my very best and no matter how hard it will be i will do what islam says...and this is why i am here...i am not a petti person never have been and do not intend to be...i just want to do what is best for her and what islam asks of me....i wil do

          • Sister

            I will make dua for you.

            Allah will be by your side if you remember Him. He will watch over your daughter as well. Insha'Allah she will live a life filled with His rewards, followed by bliss in Jannah.


          • In sha Allah......

          • Just need to 100 % sure before i do what is needed.....i dont want to risk doing the wrong thing again...i just need to know what islam asks of me

    • She is only 4...and it would cause my family to fall apart. .So much shame....we would loose everything.....she has my ex husband who thinks she is wil break his heart to...

    • Slm - I've read that a baby gets named after the bed it was born from meaning the husband of the wife. (Even if its not his)

  4. My sister, I think you should contact Ulama' in this regard.
    I have the contact numbers of the Muftis of Haram ash Shareef and also some other prominent scholars of our time.

    If you know Arabic or Urdu, just let me know and I'll insha Allah give you the numbers accordingly.

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

    • Salaam...

      I did not give her his name in the end as he refused and got in a argument with i had to give her my husbnds name....

      In regards to arabic or urdu...i dont i spk eng n mirpuri......and i am so rubbish at there any way i can get i know no body. ..Otr the sisters i knw....i wouldnt be able to discuss somthing like this...

  5. Sister,

    I'm sure that giving her your husband's name is Haraam according to what I mentioned earlier.

    But I was mistaken about giving her your ex's name.

    Because I read that the Scholars say:

    With regard to a child born out of wedlock, he should be given his mother’s name and cannot be given the name of the adulterer.

    And if the mother's name is difficult to be given due to the society, the shame and all of that, she could be called with her second name as Abdullah or Abdur Rahmaan or any other Name of Allah with the word 'Abd.

    But in no way can she be called by your husband's name.

    Jazakillah that I could learn something I was not sure about.

    May Allah ease your situation

    Muhammad Waseem Editor

    • I see....i guess il have to change her name in that case?...society will make that hard for ok...

      Stil confused with gift Insha Allah answer will come some how

    • still, you better contact a qualified Mufti to give you a fatwa in this regard.

      Muhammad Waseem Editor

  6. Sister,

    Regarding the name, please consult with a scholar. In such a case where a child has been conceived out of wedlock and the woman is married to another man, the child will not take on the name of its biological father.

    SisterZ Editor

  7. Sister Z is right as the child is born out of wedlock, it is the mothers name the child takes, only when a child is born in a halal relationship that it takes the fathers name. Brother waseem you should be careful in what you say, as you are only expressing your opinion, not a fatwa. So please do not misguide

    • Sister, you need to consult with a qualified person. There could be a case where the baby was conceived pre-wedlock, but both parents later marry. Or there could be a case where the mother marries a man who willingly accepts the child. Or there could be a case in which the mother never married. So it is not the case that the child can never carry his father's name. It depends on the case.

      At the moment though, I do think you have more important things to consider than just the name. Please see an imam and tell him your situation.

      SisterZ Editor

      • I agree bak to my original q.....what are his i tell her about him? i stop contct etc....

    • Right Sam, Jazakallah.

      I wasn't aware that the ruling for a child born out of wedlock was different.

      Muhammad Waseem Editor

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