Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to marry her, but confused about accepting her past

A Righteous Husband is what she wants

A Righteous Husband is what she wants

I know a girl who had converted to Islam few years back,

As per my knowledge she is good mulsima, need attention, & need support of man, as her country's environment is not suitable for Muslims. She grown up in a broken family & once got depressed , then she studied books/ other materials & converted to Islam,she had accepted Islam against strong resistance of her mother & family,

This year we got chance to meet, & become more closer, (& start thinking to marry) in fact I pointed some issues in her attitude, she promised me to change & to prove to a good muslim wife, she always very well dress with hijab (which my country's women dont do), so i started liking her & infact want to support her, she is accepting all terms & condition, as house wife, cut off with old male friends.

After making my mind to help her I have been struck with a big confusion, i.e about her past. she told me that she had spend couple of years with a muslim boy as his Girl friend.

Both did sex many times. Later when she studied Islam & comes to know that its not allowed in Islam, she stopped him. & did TAWBAH. But still she likes him too much, both are in touch as friend only (no more sex). Also at same time she hate her & confirm me to completely cut off from him if i marry her.

My question is.. is it ok to trust her, specially on her Tawbah ? Also, is marrying her will lead me to any type of sin.?

~ kk

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21 Responses »


  2. she stopped him. & did TAWBAH. But still she likes him too much, both are in touch as friend only (no more sex)

    Don't you feel ,little strange after reading this ....

  3. Salam Ya Akhi/bro

    If she has stipulated she will cut off things once you are serious about marriage then it is your call and what you feel in your heart, Don't put her past in front of her, that's done finished Kalas.

    It is hard to impress someone who has they past in front of them. However you need to talk to her regarding this "i still like him to much, whats that about??" She either moves on or does not, what are her intentions.

    Ya Salam

  4. I would personally never marry a man with a past, first of all. 2nd of all, if by any chance I were to accept marrying someone with a past (which, again, would never happen), I would no way in hell choose to marry someone who still has feelings for someone he did haram with. Someone he still has a so-called "friendship" with. No. That's just not acceptable to me. And I can't understand why it would be acceptable to ANYONE. It's clearly a deluted idea that you can keep in touch with someone you sinned with; someone you donated your body to. No! It just doesn' sound right! It ISN'T right!!!

    Brother, I'll urge you to not marry her. I know converts like this lady, and...marrying them always end up in divorce. With no exception. These kind of girls come from broken homes and use the neglect and hardships they have been faced with (as if native Muslims don't go through hardships, too) to gain attention and allowance to keep up their wrongdoings. But they're just invalid and lousy excuses.

    • Assalam u alaikum wa rahmatullah 'Adina'? I dont know if you are a brother or a sister ...

      I read your msg but i think accusing someone is not right.. If someone did something wrong in the past most especially the convert women doesn't mean will always do wrong ..... That's why Allah open their hearts to know what is the meaning of life , why were here. Allahu guide them to Islam to leave the wrong doing and be a good Muslim ... Dont judge anyone its a sin! Be Just !!I myself is a convert Muslim and have many things i did in the past..but Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala guide me to Islam .. Being a practicing Muslim we should act what Allah's command ....give chance to other, because Allah always give chance to the believers.. ...

    • Pls think before u say abt sm1 u dnt knw personally. Ur suggestion was enuf..abt getting married or not. No one is allowed to raise a finger onto the ppl u dont know.

    • astaghfirullah! so much of arrogance and unfair judgement in ur reply! Allah alone has the right to judge a person. You do not know what is in her heart. U will put off new reverts completely from Islam with that kind of attitude. The brother just needs to tell the girl he wants to marry that he does not want her to keep in touch with her ex any more and based on how she reacts to this, he can make further decisions.

  5. Sorry but you said she still likes him too much ? than why do you want to marry her if she still likes the guy from her previous relationship , you said they're still in contact right you can never keep in contact with your past an ex is there in front of them for a reason because there meant to be EXcluded from your life not be there as an Extra , how do you know she won't betray you and go back to him properly again , im sorry to burst your bubble but its hard to trust people and things easily these days you may think you know them really well but deep down you don't you need to be careful out there.

    make sure you can fully trust her at first before thinking ahead like a marriage with her and that , think about it to yourself about consequences that can and cannot happen if she continues to keep ties with her ex.

    if you think you can trust her than the past is a past no looking back to it always move ahead especially if they learnt from it.

    from now on good luck wish you all the best in your decisions , may Allah swt gide you to the right path in shaa allah ameen.

  6. As-salamu Alaykum,
    I think it is reasonable for you to ask that she cut off ties with this individual before marriage, not after. Observe her reaction and see if she is willing to do that. When you are satisfied that she will not be tempted to have male friends now or in the future, I think you will feel more comfortable moving ahead with the marriage. I do not see why marrying her would lead to any type of sin for you. As a new convert, she is in a transition period and may have trouble making a break with the past, so you need to explain to her why you cannot accept the current state of affairs. If she is sincere, she should understand this and take the steps necessary to leave the old relationship behind. Point out to her that she, too, would not like it if you were the one maintaining a relationship with a former girlfriend. Contrary to what Adina said, a new Muslim in this situation can definitely change her ways, but she likely has extra work to do because of the mindset she grew up with. I will admit that the friendship is concerning because a person would normally feel revulsion at being friends with someone they had sinned try to figure out what is really going on here. It may be that she is quite insecure and does not know how to stop being friends with that person. A lot of women in particular worry about being "rude" or hurting the other person's feelings. This issue is serious enough that I would not proceed with marriage until I was fully confident that my potential spouse and I were on the same page.

  7. Assalamualaikum,

    Brother, your concern is whether you can trust her, her tawbah. You asked: " is it ok to trust her, specially on her Tawbah ?"

    Like Ali Yousuff said, a revert is like a new born. If she did Zina before her reversion, she has been forgiven already. If she did Zina after she was a Muslim, tawbah was necessary. You said she did not know before that it was a sin. She stopped immediately when she learnt that it was haraam. So, if this is true, I would answer to your question in affirmitive. You must trust her and her tawbah. Whether Allah Forgives her is His Decision, which she must hope that she does.

    She was probably in contact with this man because she was unaware of limits of gender relations in Islam. Even if she was aware, she wishes to cut contact with him. Make sure her past does not become a reason for a problem/a fight anytime in the future. As long as she is within her limits, you must not blame her for anything. If you choose to marry her, then know that you chose to forget her past and it should not be brought up again when she has herself buried it.

    If you want to marry her, I think this is enough to trust her, and Allah Knows Best. Just make sure you make a lifetime commitment and she does it, too. Do your part and trust in Allah for the rest.

    May Allah Give Barakah in your relationship if you choose to get married.

    Abu Abdul Bari Editor

    • Assalamu alaykum

      "But still she likes him too much, both are in touch as friend only (no more sex)"
      How is her Tauba accepted if she still likes him and they are still "friends"???
      Brother i do not think is right to marry her as you said yourself, she still likes him and they are still in touch after she did tauba she should stop comunicating with this man but she doesnt!as far as i know your tauba will only be accepted if you stop the sin, you can not have contact to a non maharam after you did zina with him and repented.if she is serious she should stop her friendship with this man and any other non maharam including you!if she stoped her friendship with this man is up to you if you want to marry her but do istikhara before you take any action.if you choose to marry her you have also to forget about her past and do not bring it up if you have arguments.

      • I understand what you mean, but whether tawbah is acceptable or not is not for us to decide. It is upon Allah to decide that. She did tawbah from the greater sin and she remained on the smaller sin. Both are sins after all, but we should not be doubting her tawbah without knowing anything.

        Sometimes, people sin, do tawbah, sin again, do tawbah again. Stopping the sin immediately is the condition, and "resolution" not to repeat the sin is a condition. If one repeats a sin, one has to do tawbah again. Having said this, one must not take Allah's Forgiveness for granted. By doing so, one may even deprive oneself of it.

        I hope you have got the point. If she has done tawbah and agrees to never return to the smaller sin also, the OP can consider her for marriage if he wants to.

        Abu Abdul Bari Editor

  8. I agree with Br. Abu Abdul Bari.

    I also wanted to mention that you also are talking to her and I assume it is privately since you know so much detail about her personal life - which isn't allowed in Islam. In a way, how can we blame reverts when we ourselves constantly blur this line between men and women? If I am wrong, I apologize.

    At least you know about her past - she has told you - there is no guarantee that someone else you would marry would ever disclose that to you.

    Do make sure you make it clear to her that she should not be in contact with her ex from the past or make friends with males. If you wish to marry her, make it clear to her as soon as possible and then marry her. Otherwise, stop interacting with her because that also is not allowed and it sends the wrong message.

  9. I have been through a similar situation where I would be in the girl's place. So accordingly I will tell you this, that please try to forget her past, don't let it hinder your future prospect. If she has done tawbah then let her be, try to move on from unnecessary issues like this as there will be more important issues. Most important is that she was not a muslim when she sinned so she didn't know the limits. I am sure she would be broken if you leave her for this reason but you are correct in asking her to stop any communication with that guy, infact I think that is understood and the best she could do. And the best you could do is try to move on and not let your precious present relationship be affected by something of the past that can't be changed.That would be a great injustice and Allah will definetly question it. You should accept her and together try and imbibe islamic principles in your life. What's gone is gone what happens forth should be a matter of concern

  10. brother kk salam,

    After reading your post I could sense how confused you are and the confusion is not because of any doubts regarding contradicting facts instead its because your heart is not co ordinating with your mind.
    You love this person too much but her mannerisms haven't completely convinced you inspite of her conversion.

    Since you are Close to her as a Muslim you automatically play the role of a guide. more than what you say your revert friends will follow your actions, if they think that you are a practicing Muslim. you have already sent across the message that a non mehram boy and girl can be friends by getting close to her though you don't have sex. Quite Naturally she feels she can befriend another man. Now the main problem here is the big twist that follows this simple explanation and that is that is guy is not just a platonic friend. he is her ex. someone who she loved and adored and even had sex with. even though we do all the tawbah in the world, shaitan keeps reminding us of how pleasurable the sin was and ho much we are missing it by staying on the right path. a person has to make great effort to keep away from that sin and beg Allah to keep him firm. what your probable future wife is doing here is very dangerous to her emaan since she has kept herself exposed to fitna. she hasn't closed all doors and hence can trip any minute. to be blunt she still has feelings for him and wants to stay in touch with her ex in some hope which she is perhaps not fully conscious of.

    tell her that her tawbah means little if she continues to stay friends with him and risk her emaan like that.
    As for youself, I think you know what you must do.

    There is no relationship without the strong foundation of trust.

  11. Tell her your expectation.change starts today talk tht if u marrrying telll her u wnt her to cut off talking to him ...n she cn tellk the oher guy..u cn do istikhhaaara tell her to as well.

  12. Brother, if i need advice according to islam, i think many bother gave u the right advice, but me, i'll give u advice from my experience.
    First of all, it depends from a man to an other, if u have this point in ur heart, than its better to stop it since now.
    Shaytan is very smart, and he will keep touching u in this point, Shaytan is making couple doubt on each other without having nth so what about ur case?!?!
    i am married to an niqabi women, and she told me she had a boy when she was 16 (not boyfriend), he just hold her hand once, and stay close to each other, this is all they did, but me, im burning and im thinking of divorce just before of this. Its not me, it might be shaytan who exaggerate it to me, but shaytan works 24/7 and we dont work nor 5 mins aganst him.
    my last advice

  13. i really need aswel my sins are hunted me and I feel depressed all do is cry. I had relationships with a guy it did nt work out betwen me and him end with him because of my family did not approve of him, My mum find out she told me lots time end contact with him lot times and then eventually I did it was really hard as he kept on contact on me so i had no choice but to change my number. I got marriage propasal he heard about and then the guy number and reveal my past to person the propasal broke off then my mum really stress. And I have another propsal that coming up but really scared he will do same thing again.Do I have to reveal my past to my future husband what if he find out? i pray every day for this not happen to me again but i can t help be scared about it because i really try my best to move on but this person i don t think give up on me.

    • rima, we've answered many questions on this subject (whether to reveal your past to your future husband, or your husband). Please do a search of our archives and I'm you'll find the answers you need, Insha'Allah.

      Wael Editor

  14. Dear Admin,
    Kindly delete this post.


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