Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I need help with breaking my addicted to masturbation

wudu

Allah loves purity

A/A i am 21yr old and i have a habit of masturbating since frm 13.

I did it continously frm this age and nw at 21. I feel sorry what I was doing, but now there is a problem that I always want to do sex.

Can you please help.

~ Kaiser Bhat

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22 Responses »

  1. Brother, Walaykumsalaam,

    Other teenagers and adults have sought advice for the same issue on this website. So I have attached a link where some good advice has already been given.

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/my-past-is-haunting-me/

    'Professor X' wrote the following advice that I think may also help you insha'Allah:

    Asalaam alaikum,

    I would like to share with you the fact that when you masturbate, essentially your mind, since it is addicted the the temporary high of orgasm, is looking for the fastest way to achieve it. It does not matter the costs, because it only wants a temporary pleasure while putting you in danger of sin and great remorse afterwards.

    The mind and body are lazy things, and look for the quickest "fix" for its' lower desires. Your brain, knowing that masturbation gives it what it wants very quickly, without any emotional investment of a halal relationship, creates an addiction wherein you feel helpless to stop yourself and you masturbate quickly to achieve your "high." The brain knows that spiritual satisfaction and an orgasm through a halal marriage would take you more time, but it just wants something quick and easy. Please understand the psychology of this sexual addiction.

    I am including this link on masturbation and what is called "touch deprivation." You'll find that as you masturbate, some techniques become "regular" and you attempt more. What happens is that you are becoming used to your 'fix" and this is why, frequent masturbation occurrences happen. Just like a drug addict, you are need more of your 'sexual drug" to give you the same feeling repeatedly.

    I'm going to copy and paste this article to you, albeit edited for content. I hope it helps.

    However, in my experience as a healthcare practitioner I have found that socially, culturally and physically , masturbation can be a debilitating, brain-altering act. When I hear the word ‘masturbate’ I think of how it can take a person away from another human being’s touch and affection, what we truly want as pair-bonding beings, and how it has the tendency to throw us into a neurochemical spiral without the benefits of human touch, cuddling and kissing.

    I’m referring to touching yourself as an act of solo-sex, for the purpose of climaxing and getting ‘high.’ This can create a dependency on self-touch, and turn into an addictive obsession. I probably don’t even have to mention porn here, an industry where they count on you to throw away a real mate, and become addicted to the illusion you see on your screen. Masturbation can create a driven mindset, which can backfire in daily life and especially in romantic situations.

    As pair bonders, we were meant to form a union with a partner and are naturally at peace when we are bonding with someone we love. Selfless acts of love, both in and out of bed are always ideal, but we may not always have access to this kind of healthy connection. When we turn to masturbation as a substitute for lack of connection, we create a whole slew of new problems. After the initial aaaaah of orgasm, a new wave of aggression can arise. This wave of aggression may scream to future/potential partners: “See?!? I don’t need you!” Such an energy may not only cause us to close in on ourselves reminding us that we do not have an active partner, but may scare potential mates away, too. As a healthy woman would naturally be repulsed by an overly-aggressive man, a healthy man is naturally repulsed by a woman who seems to scream independence bordering on desire for isolation.

    For women, excessive masturbation can cause an unusual amount of dryness during penetration and disinterest during actual marriage partner sex. Sexual aids are actually more effective in desensitizing their precious female parts. Sexual aids desensitize those parts because they give too much supernormal stimulation which can easily become a problem because it decreases brain sensitivity (and thus satisfaction). If a future husband walks into a situation where he cannot compete, do you think he will want to stick around for very long?

    Typically, the purpose of masturbating is to get off. Orgasm can be such an absorbing goal that some people turn to it for everything. Bored? Masturbate. Lonely? Masturbate. Happy? Excited? Trouble sleeping? Procrastinating or don't want to study? The list goes on and on for why someone might want to masturbate. For some people, masturbation is treated as though it were an instant solution to almost any feeling. And few people seem to remember how to do it without today's brain-numbing porn. Like the sexual aid, porn's constant novelty over-releases dopamine, gradually numbing the brain to subtler pleasures. Today’s stimuli also spare users the bother of developing interpersonal skills and mood-regulating skills because they are such powerful instant diversions from reality.

    Moods are variable; having an addictive relationship with masturbation is like using the chemical release of orgasm as a drug to regulate one’s mood. Having such an addiction, can get in the way of learning how to accept variations in moods or learning how to regulate moods in more healthful ways. Many, especially the younger generation of masturbators, are just not used to the fact that moods come and go. Almost all of us need to learn techniques that counter these natural mood swings in healthier ways. Regular meditation, exercise and socializing are among some of the techniques that work quite well for this purpose (though consistency is advised for best results). Even if your body turns into a sex machine after kicking your addictive habit, you would still be wise to develop some of these other mood-regulating skills.

    As a health care practitioner, I can almost always tell when a patient or a new friend masturbates too frequently. These individuals seem shut off to social cues; their moods tell the tale that they are disinterested in anything other than going home to masturbate; they can have a shortened temper or their personality can seem to flat line along with their social skills. Of course, they think masturbation is doing their bodies a favor, and that it’s everyone else that is growing gray and boring. As their addiction escalates, they sometimes think they are special because their sex drive is so high. But it is only high because every time they masturbate, their dopamine receptors (the reward center of pleasure) shut down, and they need more stimulation (orgasms) to get the same high. They are literally training their bodies to need increasing stimulation to get former happier results. They are now no different than the cocaine addict who keeps using more of his drug to get back to that same “first high” he experienced long ago.

    When someone has masturbated long term, they have weakened adrenal functioning (in Chinese medicine we call it Kidney Yang deficiency), and possibly an insatiable sex drive or erectile dysfunction (ED). It is not unusual for me to suggest to a patient to stop masturbating, even if this is not why s/he came to see me. Men always seem to be shocked when I say this, and ask me how I know they have been masturbating frequently. The way I know is that I can see it in their eyes; there is certain lifelessness in them.

    Orgasms can't replace marriage sex. We need marriage sex for social bonds to soothe our brains. The doctors who claim, “an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away” provide no scientific evidence for these claims. In actuality, it is the human touch and intimacy that causes us to live longer, healthier, more satisfying lives. In other words, it is marriage sex that is beneficial, rather than the orgasm itself.

    By going cold turkey from solo-sex for several months you will, in effect, ‘reboot’ your brain by allowing it to return to its normal sexual responsiveness. As far as I know, this is the only way to tear away from the cycle. Depending on how addicted you are, and the length of your use, you might feel better after only two-weeks. However, many highly addicted do-it-yourself addicts may need months to feel better, especially if they are not married. Watch out for certain symptoms that may arise such as: intense “need” for an orgasm, less responsiveness to sex, fantasizing about extreme stimulation, cravings, irritability, snapping at others over nothing or feeling uncharacteristically deprived, anxiety, dissatisfaction and/or feeling unfairly treated.

    So what to do in the absence of a marriage partner? Go and get one! My first recommendation is to be proactive in finding a live, consenting partner. Tell your friends you are single and ready to marry.

    The problem is the addiction that starts a downward spiral of making you crave more stimulation even though you receive less satisfaction. As most of us are go, go, go in our daily lives, having one more thing that is goal-driven (sex for the purpose of climaxing) adds yet another stress to our daily lives (even though we may think it is the thing that relieves the stress).

    You cannot have a deep, nurturing relationship all by yourself. Nothing will ever take the place of the feel of a real live human being.

    Professor X

    ***
    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Asalaam alaikum,

      I thank you Sister Z for including the advice I have given earlier. It is interesting to note the amount of damage suffered by masturbation in people concerning heir future sex lives with their partners.

      For men, I would add the following comments by a sex therapist:

      And what about male masturbation? Most guys end up masturbating with vigorous movements and soon their brains demand more and more stimulation to climax. A "death grip" bears little resemblance to the feel of a woman, so when they actually get to have sex - oral or genital- they often "can't feel anything" and quickly lose their erections (and their condoms). Soon, men can find they need more (or different) stimulation to stay interested in a partner. Masturbation dilutes their natural affinity for a woman's body.

      Steps for kicking the habit.

      Masturbatory lust is a failure to exercise the will toward righteousness. People who battle any form of lust must work at strengthening their wills. But it is never enough merely to address one’s lack of discipline. It is crucial to view lust as a product of hatred: hatred of our loneliness and our circumstances and hatred of the God who requires us to love in spite of our pain. Lustful addictions are the vehicle to flee from the ache and use our helplessness as an excuse not to love others and God.

      What is required for destructive lust to be transformed into passionate, lively, and loving desire for God and others?

      1. Face the problem.
      Addictive lust feeds on the darkness of denial. “I’m not an sex addict. I just masturbate to sooth my nerves – or to feel more relaxed.” “I may masturbate a lot, but doesn’t everyone at one time or another?” Deception is the ally of lust in that it allows us to serve both the Shaytain and God and make it look as if all is well.

      Every lustful obsession serves the desire to be satisfied apart from God. If change is to occur, denial must be lifted and the ugly parts of our soul exposed.

      2.Wrestle with your heart as well as your behavior.
      Without question, lust will not be changed without a willingness to discipline the will. You must be willing to fight, scratch, and claw toward holiness. If you can’t say no to the temptation to masturbate, then you ought to avoid situations where your lust will be given room to flourish. You must make the initial right choices before you are inclined to masturbate

      Yet, choice is not enough.We must repent of the deeper issues that are feeding our lust. But one cannot deeply repent of what is unknown. We need to pray that God will reveal the secret things of our hearts. Some of the subtle categories of the heart to be considered when dealing with a tenacious lust problem are these:

      What is the context for your struggles with lust? Many find that lust is more severe after a stressful event, such as a failure or success. It is very important to keep a journal that records the experience of lust, the context, and the battle to deal with both the heart and obedience.

      What significant current or past wounds are you ignoring in my struggles with lust? Many times a lust problem is easier to bear than a deep wound that seems impossible to erase. For example, one man found that he often gave in to sexual fantasies after phone conversations with his critical and demanding father. His sexual addiction masked the lonely wounds and anger related to his parent.

      Sadly, a struggle with lust may subtly serve as an excuse for choices that may seem more frightening. This man refused to address his father by talking about their relationship. He quietly endured his father’s reproach rather than praying and agonizing over what God might have him do to understand the relationship with his father.

      3. Learn to love.
      Honesty and repentance are crucial to change. The ultimate antidote to lust, however, is love. It is very, very difficult to destructively lust after someone you love. It is very hard to lust after something that does damage to someone you love. Lust is a consuming and absorbing possession of something in order to dull our own pain rather than a delighting in and enhancing of another.

      Tragically, many men attempt to deal with lust by avoiding rich, intimate, and honorable relationships with a woman, their wife. They believe that distance insures safety; in fact, reserve only seems to increase private fantasies. The only real safety net is love.

      With hearts redeemed by love, we will be free to turn toward the path of beauty rather than pursue the track of hatred and lust.

    • Thank you so much

    • SisterZ: However, in my experience as a healthcare practitioner I have found that socially, culturally and physically , masturbation can be a debilitating, brain-altering act.

      What kind of healthcare practitioner are you? Can you expalin "I have found that socially, culturally and physically , masturbation can be a debilitating, brain-altering act."? Statements like that can do more harm then good. Some one who has been masturbating may think they are debilitated and their brains have been altered

      SisterZ: For women, excessive masturbation can cause an unusual amount of dryness during penetration and disinterest during actual marriage partner sex.

      What is excessive masturbation and what is not so excessive? Masturbation can also help a woman discover what can make her enjoy sex to the max. Disinterest can happen for so many different reasons. Many women rarely have orgasm with normal sexual intercourse. Some just do it as a duty to their husband.

  2. fast for 30 days!

  3. Being in company of respected elders, exercising & going to gym, morning walks, and regular prayers, all these prevent masturbation.Furthermore, prevent spending time alone.Even playing computer games, watching favourite shows, movies & listening to music are much better ways of spending leisure time, or when you're bored or something.Do not use the internet when alone.Form a new hobby, like learning to cook favourite foods,etc.Never watch any porn & avoid looking at women on streets.Eat less non veg foods.Many times marriage cannot break this addiction, it may make you feel pathetic though, concerning your addiction.It can complicate things even more, sometimes.People masturbate to escape some inner hurt.Till the time they find it out & get rid of it, they won't be able to break this addiction.Only God can help them get rid of any tension that they feel they are incapable of dealing with and then 'resort to repeated orgasms/ejaculations until they are unable to think about that very problem'

  4. hav heard salah keeps u away from sins . ! ! If our prayers arent stoping us frm doing wrong then then they arent strong enough to save us .... Myself tryn same brother

  5. As-Salaam Wa-aleykum,
    May Allah, The All-Mighty forgive me for my sins. The only reason I am conveying my sins are for encouragement of the brother who posted here.
    My dear brother in Islam and humanity, let me tell you about my life concerning this habit. I started the evil habit from the age of 13 and up till the age of 23, may Allah forgive me, I was engaged in this evil habit for the past 10 years. Pornography and masturbation were my fixes, prop,and an idea of relaxation.
    Basically my life revolved around this, which lead to me staring with evil intentions at anything and everything that looked like a female .
    Alhamdulilah, Allah saved me from the sin of zina. But this habit of mine, engulfed me completely, which caused many of the effects which are rightly mentioned by Professor X (May Allah bless him abundantly for his efforts).
    The variety of women, color, sizes, etc were all the incentives one has when viewing pornography. The ultimate pleasure you get at the moments of your orgasm, etc are all very alluring and addictive, no doubt over it whatsoever.
    The more you fall into this evil, the more you tend to detach yourself from Allah. No matter what you do, up and until you dwell on this habit, you'll never get to taste the sweetness of the Deen of Islam.
    Today, it's been almost 4 months or more since I abandoned this evil, Fi-Sabillilah. And by Allah, in all these years, I have never felt more alive and completely rejuvenated by the Deen of Islam, by the physical and mental state I am in. Alhamdulilah ! Everything seems possible after beating this habit !
    Brother and any other addict reading this, mark my words ! And mark them well,
    1) the one and only thing standing between you and this evil habit of pornography and masturbation is you and your nafs.
    2) Nothing you do will bring you closer to Allah up and until you quit this habit of yours.
    3) You will never attain Khushu in your salat, if everytime you get into salat, and shaytaan starts whispering the pleasures of your last night's video highlights.
    4) You'll never find an incentive to open up and read the speech of Allah, The Quran. Because you find reading boring now, cause you pleasure lies in viewing, not reading.
    5) You wont find pleasure in socializing or mingling with your family members and relatives, when all you want is a quick handpump.
    I can keep going on, but the truth of the matter is that, this evil, if not THE most devastating, it is ONE of the most dangerous and evil forms of degradation and destruction of moral values of the Muslim Ummah.
    So my brothers in Islam, Let me break this down and make it clear,
    1) This evil habit of pornography and masturbation are linked to one another, stopping both of them is essential to break the cycle. Don't kid yourself by saying you'll do one and quit the other.
    2) The more you dwell in this habit, the more you fall deeper into it. This viscous cycle has to break, for your sake !
    You ! and only YOU, can break this cycle. WITH the help of Allah !
    3) Never ever console yourself by saying that, "Everyone's doing it", or "I'll stop it once am married" or "I'll stop one day", or "It's my only from of enjoyments", etc. Stop fooling yourself, and realize that, what you going through is an addiction. An addiction of the order of a cocaine addiction.

    If by any chance you're thinking, it's all easier said than done. Then let me tell you that, I've been through all this and I know how difficult it is. The encouragement I can give is:
    1) Go cold turkey. Don't come close, not even slightly close to pornography or nakedness in any shape or form whatsoever.
    2) It's very very difficult in the starting, but trust me. Things get easier as you go on. Inshallah !
    3) Reduce the hours you spend on watching movies and sitcoms, and spend more time with The Quran, Seerat un Nabi, etc.
    4) Don't expect to sleep peacefully at night, after watching semi nude women on TV or movies. Start by cutting down, then eventually completely give up watching them.
    5) Never despair of the mercy of Allah. Keep repenting and seek for His Forgiveness.
    6) GET MARRIED ASAP !

    Dear brothers, it's been a rough and smooth ride for me. There are times, when things get difficult. When these urges grow on you, it's all about getting over them.
    Am sure it will be a good for you as well in your abstinence of this evil. Seek help from Allah, and Inshallah you'll succeed.
    Lastly, I'd like to add that, it's of paramount importance that you get married ASAP !
    Unfortunately, circumstances do not permit that I get married anytime soon in the near future. I get irritated on days, due to lack of an outlet for my sexual urges. I get tempted, but always remember that there are two angels with you always. Which one would you like to keep busy ?
    I feel I'm always in a state of Jihad, fighting with my Nafs, Inshallah I hope to get rewarded for this, and hope so you will also, for your efforts in your abstinence.

    Please do remember me in your Dua's, and please pray that I stick to the path Allah has blessed me with, and Allah the Bountiful, blesses me and the youth of the Ummah of Muhammed (s.a.w.s) with early marriages.

    "Our Lord, let not our hearts deviate after You have guided us and grant us from Yourself mercy. Indeed, You are the Bestower.
    Al-Imran [3:8]

    • asslamu alikum!
      jazakALLAH sir
      blve me its a gr8 source of encourge mnt for me to get rid of this habit.
      i'm a grl n just indulged in this sin about a month ago just because of bad comny
      but i alwaz feel a repulsion n hate aftr doing this demoralized act
      i wanted to avoid bt i feel im not much brave bt by all these precious post now im feelng a power in my self that i'll inshALAH be free from this evil
      despiratly needing ur prayrs

    • Well put jazaakallahu kheyr brother

    • jazakallah brother for at least stopping me to do this evil to night,,,,,i am a victim of this habit since last 9 years.....thiis evil lead me to zina also.....i am totally ruined...... i hate my self.... i always pray to allah o my allah i am the biggest sinner of the world i know that but i m praying you to make me pious......plz make me as u want me to be....i am done my brothers i am done i am drowned.ruined,crushed and devastated.pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz pray for me your prayers are the only hope for me pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    • Just wanted to know, are you now married brother? 🙂

  6. Dear brother ,as a dr i would like to share the fact that addiction needs to be broken by brain modulation by drugs . You take fluvoxamine 5omg for 1st 4 days, then 1oomg for another 4 days at bed time. After this take 5omg in morning and 1oomg in evening INSHAALLAH U will win but do exercise your will. Please do tell me about ur win

  7. Thank you sisterZ. As a man who has been masturbating since he was 11 until the age of 25 each day, sometimes more than once, reading this has been an eye opener and found that I was agreeing and seeing everything I have struggled with socially over the years due to this. I feel fighting the addiction and going cold turkey for a few months is the only way, and I thank you for your kind and wise words. I would never have reached this point without it and find it is the best advice I have ever recieved. Peace be with you and your family

  8. jazakallahu khairan for these contributing comments and advise.

  9. May Allah bless all the Muslims in this world and those that r dead. And after this I will stop I no I will in shaa Allah. For those who feel powerless I am praying fr myself and all other we r one less nt feel powerless Allah is our strength and he will guide us aright.

  10. May Allah bless all the Muslims in this world and those that r dead. And after this I will stop I no I will in shaa Allah. For those who feel powerless I am praying fr myself and all other, we r one(under the same faith) less nt feel powerless Allah is our strength and he will guide us aright.

  11. jazaakAllah for all these wonderful supportive responses!! i dont know how i got into this horrible habit...... its as if shaitan tought me how to do it!!! i was only 10 !! an age when we dont even know wht sexual feelings mean ;( ;( i belong to a family where evryone is very pious..... we all offer 5 times prayers,read Quraan, do discussions on islam its teachings and remind of them to each other..... but im the worst person of my family!!!! i have seen porn very few times... have a company of very good people alhamdulillah.... but still engaged in this habit..... IM AMONG THOSE WHOM ALLAH HAS ADRESSED IN THE QURAAN AS THE "TRANGRESSORS":( 🙁 🙁 I FEEL i will never be forgiven!!! ive been praying to Allah to help me get rid of this najaasat....i stay busy n try my bes tnot to do it intentionally but it happens to me wen im in a very deep sleep at nite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wen i get up i cant even properly rmmmbr if i actually did it!!!! :/ 🙁

    i just feel so bad when i think of how i wud face the person i wud marry someday n my children!!!!!!!!! i ask Allah for a pious partner but how wud i deserve one??? ;( ;(

    i do taubah n cry n repent in sujood.... but still this najaasat doesnt get away from me cmpletely.... i hope Allah purifies me one day....

    i recite this dua every often :

    " Allahumma inni a'uzubika min hamazaatish shayaateeni wa a'uzubika rabbi aen yahzuroon "
    may Allah SWT help us all getrid of this evil habit and make us good practicing muslims....

    may we be in Mohsineen,Muqsiteen,Qaaimeen,Raakiyeen,Sajdeen,Saabreen,Muneebeen,Rashideen,Saadqeen,Ashaab ul yameen..... ameen!!!

  12. Im a 25 year old male who has been suffering from the addiction of watching porn and then masturbating. It's out of extreme dissatisfaction with myself that I am writing this. I feel ashamed and guilty after doing such bad deeds. But it seems like an obsession. I fight with any thought related to watching porn for days sometimes but then end up giving in to such a thought and before I know it, It's all done. I don't want to do this. But I just dont know why I end up doing it. Please suggest me something that could make me get rid of such an evil habit. I think Allah has cursed me now and that's why I can't rid myself of this bad habit. I'm not regular with my prayers but whenever I pray to Allah, I ask Him to help me get rid of this habit. I can't concentrate on other things in my life. It feels like everything else in life is just slipping away and I am just destined to destroy myself with this bad habit. I'm depressed. I'm hopeless. I'm afraid of my painful end. Please just help me out.

  13. Asslam o Alaikum,everyone here have provided great amount of info & genuine things to stay away from masturbation,however my problem is it's been 2 months I am not watching porn or anything else but everynight i sleep my naaf gets hard & big because of it i feel myself wasted my food, iwake up with no energy +lazy, i cannot marry trust me ,i have 2 elder brother & sister how could i get before them I started at age of fifteen now I am 18 ,tried really hard but no peaceful night and this thing is killing me please help.

  14. It's so hard bro people out there suffer, they even feel like breaking down crying about it; we need people to help instead of scaring them and being even more negative.

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